Sleep.....

Is somewhat important. Those who get this on a regular basis cannot possibly understand what it is like to not be able to get any. Those who get their 6-8 hours nightly probably think I am crazy...when really I just want to SLEEPPPPPP~~~!!!!!

That is all for now.

My Christmas Story

Once upon a time there was a girl. This girl loved Christmas and dreamed about the day when she would get up in the middle of the night and wrap presents for her children from Santa the way her parents did for her. She wasn't even mad when she caught them that Christmas eve, she was excited. Excited to do the same thing for her own kids one day.

Then the little girl grew up. She met a nice young man and they decided to get married, and not long after that they decided to have a baby, because we all know, that is what young people in love tend to do sometimes!

They tried and tried and tried, but every month the little girl all grown up had her little death one morning, and each time it brought pain and sadness and tears. She prayed and prayed and hoped and hoped, but still the little girl all grown up was broken, and she didn't know why.

One day the little girl all grown up went to the doctor and they did an operation and when she woke up the doctor told the girl that she was very sick on the inside where no one could see, but that they had fixed most of her and they were going to give her medicine so that she and the nice young man could have a baby together. This made the girl very happy because they told her by Christmas she would be expecting her baby and things would be happy and healthy.

The girl went home with this very nice young man and tried and tried some more to have a baby. She took the medicine that the doctor gave her, and even though the medicine made her very sick she still took it, because she wanted a baby so badly.

Christmas time came and went that year and the girl was still not expecting her baby. She went back to the doctor and they told her that even with the medicine and the operation that maybe she was just too broken inside where no one can see and she should try this other medicine to help her body rest for awhile, and then maybe she could have a baby later. The girl decided she would try that, because after all, the nice young man and her wanted a family very badly, and were willing to wait if that is what it took.

For four months the little girl all grown up had the poison raging through her. It made her body think it was even more grown up, like she was an old woman, and her emotions and thoughts and memory were all affected by this magic medicine they gave her through a needle every month. The nice young man she married tried to be patient, but their very young marriage was falling apart. So even though the doctors told her not to, the girl decided to stop the medicine because she loved the young man very much and didn't much like the way she was anymore. So when the time came for her to get the 5th shot, she stayed at home instead and read through the baby names book she had bought so many years before.

The little girl all grown up and the nice young man read a book about how there are natural things you can do when you are broken inside where no one can see in order to have a baby. The girl and the nice young man tried all these things over and over and kept trying and trying, but still the girl did not get pregnant.

Pretty soon it was the time of year where the little girl all grown up and the nice young man would have a baby with them to decorate the tree, had the doctors not lied and filled the girl full of medicine and poison that doesn't work, and she was not broken inside where no one could see. Christmas time was always the girls favorite time of year, but this year it seemed broken and empty, and she was not able to get much joy at all anymore.

The little girl all grown up still hopes for a baby for her and the nice young man, but she has almost given up hope. She looks around at all the things she bought for her future baby, and instead prepares to give them to other people who are not broken inside. Now not only is her body broken inside where no one can see, but her mind is broken too. She has bad dreams and cries all the time and is just not happy at all, especially at Christmas time. The doctors keep giving her medicine, but this time it is to help her broken heart and mind and not her belly. She takes these medicines, even though she doesn't think they are helping very much. Call her crazy, but medicine hasn't really done its job for the little girl much lately, so even though she takes it, she still doesn't think they will work.

The little girl all grown up now writes stories about her dreams of being a mother and tries to enjoy time with the nice young man and the animals she has surrounded herself with the ease the pain and loss. She bites her tongue when people say that she shouldn't be so sad anymore and that she has had plenty of time to get over it. You see, in the girls mind there was a death, and she feels the pain just as much today as she did then. She avoids people and places that remind her that she is broken inside, and when she can't avoid those people and places she waits until she gets home with the nice young man and he holds her while she cries all her tears out. She wants so badly to enjoy Christmas again, but until she is a little fixed inside where no one can see, she will just keep in her head the dreams she had as a little girl, about how she would hide the secret of Santa until her children were old enough to know that fairy tales really don't come true.

Home

Dan and I are home. Our own place. Our own kitchen. I took a bath with the door open and walked naked to my closet to get my slinky nightgown I haven't worn in 7 months because my in laws don't need to see my...well you know. Incidentally it doesn't fit. Too big. *BIG SMILE*

Sassy and Bandit are loving it...although Sassy is still getting used to being on the leash to poo. She'll get used to it.

Dan made me eggplant for dinner. It was seriously good. And I did the dishes. No more walking over dirty ones all over the floor.

The new bed the in laws got us for Christmas is wonderful. Even Dans back didn't hurt when we got up this morning.

We still don't have a couch but my parents are loaning us camping chairs...which is just as good as anything I suppose when you can sit in it in your own place.

The second bedroom is currently holding all Dans computer stuff and random things I have no place for.....but beyond those things I can see a crib. I see a playpen. I see HER.

I see Lydia Lane Culwell.

And I see HIM.

I see Elliott Issac Culwell.

I still see you sweetheart.....and I await your arrival as always Love, Mommy

When it rains.....its a fucking blizzard

I am currently writing this from my parents house cause Dan and I are snowed in. Here by choice, though, because they are 20 miles closer to town then us. Anyway it has been snowing all day and even though I am trying not to think about it I can't help but think I am supposed to be a mom.

I was supposed to be pregnant last Christmas. I was supposed to get pregnant with no problems. I was SUPPOSED to never see an Iowa snow again. Now here I sit in my mothers living room trying not to cry while it snows a foot and a fucking half and I take my birth control pill because everyone seems to think that it helps. I hate this shit.

Fucking snow.

Fucking Iowa.

Fucking infertility.

Fucking endo.

Fucking blizzard that is my life.

Snowing

It's snowing here in Iowa. I was never supposed to see an Iowa snow again. I am still here...and the cold embrace of winter is here again.

Award!

I just got this award from Sonja at


The Rules:

* Share 7 things that you don't already know about me.
* Name 7 other blogs to receive this award.
* Leave a comment on each of the blogs I nominated.
* Thank the person who gave you the award.

Seven whole things huh???

1-As hard as it may be for those who follow to believe...I used to not want children. When I was a teenager my mom would say to me all the time she hoped I had a kid just like me and I would tell her it will never happen because I am never having kids.....guess I should have never said those things huh?

2-I drink my skim milk with ice in the glass through a straw. I don't think this is strange but others seem to.

3-I put all my favorite facebook games on my husbands account as well so I can send myself the gifts I want...it drives him crazy

4-All of my clothes are second hand or under 10 dollars. Yes, all of them. Even my Silver Jeans I found two pairs of for 8 bucks each :)

5-I am so bad about taking my meds every day that I have a site email me a reminder ever night

6-I am awake right now because the stupid internet only works sometimes in the middle of the night cause I live in the middle of nowhere in the middle of Iowa

7-Middle is my word of the day :)


7 Other Blogs...

1-Carrie at [carrotspeak.]
http://address-the-world.blogspot.com
I always look forward to a post from this future best-selling author

2-The Daily Nail
http://daily-nail.blogspot.com
A different nail polish design every day for a year...I wish I had this patience!

3-Miriam at Hannah Wept, Sarah Cried
http://hannahweptsarahlaughed.blogspot.com
I came across this blog through Sonja and I am loving it

4-Gina at On The Road to Baby
http://ginalou.blogspot.com
Gina and her hubby Kev recently conceived while battling endo AND pcos....an inspiration to those like me with both.

5-Alex at The Ins and Outs of Endo
http://theinsandoutsofendo.blogspot.com
A look at endo with some laughing in there as well!

6-Alyce at At Home with Books
http://athomewithbooks.blogspot.com
I just recently found this one and really enjoy it because her tastes in books seem to run along my own.

I don't have 7 because everyone else I would nominate has already been given this award! Congrats to those I chose and keep up the entertaining me!


Sonja....Thank you so much for this award. Your friendship and support has meant so much to me this past year and I am grateful and blessed to call you friend.

One more "little death"

I read once about the "little deaths" that infertility brings every month. The familiar wetness between your legs that brings with it the red of death...the death of your chance to conceive that month. Even though I know that the chances are so low they are almost not even there...there is still that one little part of me that thinks maybe this time will be the time.

I started birth control pills this last month. Even though I knew the white pills were coming they still caught me by surprise. Last night I took the first one, and today the pain came just like every other time, and tonight...my little death.

Is it still a death when I know that that stupid pill makes it even more impossible? Is it still something to mourn when there was never anything there to begin with? Even though I know through months of therapy and talking with friends that I have every right to feel this way...I still feel guilty.

I feel guilty that I have all these things to be thankful for and yet all I can think about is everything I don't have. I feel guilty because the only thing I could ever want for Christmas no one can ever give to me, and I hate that. I feel guilty that I can't look at myself in the mirror and see who I am and not some broken woman. I feel guilty that I can't make love to my husband and enjoy it because all I can think about is how nothing will come of it but one simple moment of pleasure. Thats almost the worst of all...because I know he deserves something better than that.

I am on these magic pills that are supposed to make everything better. I always said that I would never go on anti-depressants again and yet here I am taking the little blue pill they keep increasing the dosage of in some attempt to make it work better. Right next to those stupid birth control pills. And the pain pills. And the anxiety pills. And the nausea pills. And the pills pills pills. Why is it that these little things are supposed to make everything ok? Nothing is getting any more ok than it was before the pills, so why still take them? Why still pretend that tere is some end to this feeling inside, and these stupid things are going to help me get there?

I know I shouldn't complain so much. I know that the doctors are trying to come up with the "right" dosage and all that crap...but its been months! When am I going to start feeling better? When am I going to be able to look at all the good things in my life and not just the bad. I am about to move out of this basement and into our own apartment. Dan just got a great job, and things are finally starting to look up. And all I can think is broken.

Broken.

Broken.

Broken.

Its not just my womb anymore. Its not just my useless body now. Its me. I, me, myself...WHO I AM....is broken.

So what is the little death? Is it the fact that another month has gone by without the blessing I pray for daily? Or is it me? Am I just a series of little deaths? When will they stop? When will I be a life again?

Thanksgiving

I am thinking of all the things I am thankful for this year....these are in no particular order :)

Dan-he makes my world go 'round

Sassy-She is my little white knight...I love her more every day

Bandit-My sweet boy who came home to me!

My Mom-My best friend and truest mirror.

My Dad-My biggest fan

Maggie-even though we don't always get along, I love her

Nancy-My little sister who is not so little anymore

Vicky-My SIL who has shown me real sisterhood

Sam-My SIL who has shown me the joy of food

Joe and Susan-Dans parents who have taken me in as their own

Ham-I am always thankful for ham

So many other things......

What are YOU thankful for?

Ignorance

I would like to post today about the ignorance and stigma that unfortunately still surround chronic illness. As much as I wish it wasn't this way, I get up and face the battle of fighting the win-less fight every day. For those of you who are faithful followers you know the battles I face...but for those of you who are just stopping by now and then to check up on me to use my posts to hurt me...let me enlighten you.

A chronic illness is basically one that will not go away. I have many, if you think about it. I have Endometriosis, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, Migraines, and recurrent Pelvic Inflammatory Disease. None of these has as cure really to speak of, only treatments that sometimes work and sometimes don't. I have been on many different treatments without much success. Let me tell you (those who are too ignorant to educate themselves) about what my days are like.

IF I am lucky enough to wake up without pain I am never able to make it to the bathroom without it coming on. I have spots of Endo and adhesions on my bladder and bowels, and it is painful to have a full bladder or have a bowel movement. On the worst days I sometimes have blood in my urine and stool, and while in your world this would be cause for concern, for me it is just par for the course. I have to watch what I eat for breakfast and how much of it I eat because there are many foods that either trigger a migraine or are too heavy, starchy, or just plain hard for my diseased bowels to pass. With my breakfast I take 17 supplements to replace the nutrition I am losing from not eating the foods that you can eat. Along with that I take a non-narcotic pain killer, whether the pain is bad yet or not, just to stave off any pain that is waiting to pop up. Then I get on the internet and check my many sites where I communicate with other women who have the same issues. Yes, I spend hours talking with them, but they help me, and I hope I help them. They are my friends, and some of the very few people in my life who if they don't actually suffer, at least educate themselves about the disease I battle because they love me. And that is my morning.

I could go on but, unfortunately, like the unpredictable pain does, it has come again and now I have to go take more pills and get in the hot bath before my head betrays me with a migraine. I will post my afternoons later...if I don't hear from you before then with the apology for your ignorance that I am owed.

I would die for that

I just found the best song for saying how I feel...I shall post the link and lyrics now.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JqfGqOx2iDQ


Jenny was my best friend.
Went away one summer.
Came back with a secret
She just couldn't keep.
A child inside her,
Was just too much for her
So she cried herself to sleep.

And she made a decision
Some find hard to accept.
To young to know that one day
She might live to regret.

But I would die for that.
Just to have one chance
To hold in my hands
All that she had.
I would die for that.

I've been given so much,
A husband that I love.
So why do I feel incomplete?
With every test and checkup
We're told not to give up.
He wonders if it's him.
And I wonder if it's me.

All I want is a family,
Like everyone else I see.
And I won't understand it
If it's not meant to be.

Cause I would die for that.
Just to have one chance
To hold in my hands
All that they have.
I would die for that.

And I want to know what it's like
To bring a dream to life.
For that kind of love,
What I'd give up!
I would die for that.

Sometimes it's hard to conceive,
With all that I've got,
And all I've achieved,
What I want most
Before my time is gone,
Is to hear the words
"I love you, Mom."

I would die for that.
Just to have once chance
To hold in my hands
What so many have
I would die for that.

And I want to know what it's like
To bring a dream to life.
How I would love
What some give up.
I would die ...
I would die for that.

Soooo....

I know I said I would post yesterday, but now I can't even post today because my period is here and I can barely sit here to say sorry to all of you for not making good on my promise to update. I really will try this weekend.

oh how I need...

to try to update more often. It just seems like every time a get a few minuted they are taken up by something. So here I am letting you all know that tomorrow I PROMISE to get a post up about everything that is going on.....till then just pray for me

Here is Autumn....and an update

For once I am about to make good on my promise of posting the next day. I will try to tough on everything that has been happening lately, as I know I have been lacking in my updates.

My pain is slowly but surely getting to be constant again. For almost 6 months I have been able to get through the days without much pain, and I can see now that eventually I will be right back where I was before...constantly in pain. Although I know this is coming, I am hopeful that I will be able to continue to go to school and spend time with my family. This is my hope.

I see my sister often, and even as much as it pains me to see her glowing as she does, I am trying my best to be happy and prepare myself to be the best aunt I can be. When I see little trinkets that I would love for my own child I try to get them for hers. I smile when she shows me her ultrasound pictured and complains about morning sickness, and I keep my tears for Dan and I at home. I cry often for my loss that seems to be her gain. She has everything I have ever wanted, and it pains me so. My only comfort is knowing that even though it has not happened yet, I WILL be a mother one way or another, and I hope that the wait will make it all that sweeter.

School is going better than I thought it would. I am doing my best and it is paying off in good grades. I am hoping the constant pain will not come back before I can get through this semester, and I am currently spending lots of time looking at prospective schools to transfer to. My current first choice is a school in Florida that offers a five year Bachelors/Masters program in Biology. There is still much planning to do before I make a decision, but every day brings me closer to getting my degree and doing something with my life. On a side note I would like to say that even though science is what I choose to study the most of...I HATE CHEMISTRY! I spend most of the time in that class wishing that I was sitting in Biology or even Math, because those I am so much better at.

My furry ones are doing well. Sassy follows me wherever I go and I seldom leave without her beside me. She is one of the few constants in my life, and I love her more than I can put into words. God sent her to me to be my baby until he sees fit to bless me with one of my own. Bandit spends most days outside chasing bugs and laying in the sunshine, and at night he sleeps beside us. He is the best cat in the world (although I am sure Sonja would say otherwise hehe) and I love him.

Other than that there is nothing else of interest happening, and although I am busy with school I hope to update more often, but for now I am off to snuggle with the most handsome man in the world and to love the ones dear to me, for they seem to be all I have these days.

Too Tired

I fully intended on a post tonight, but as you all can see I have made my blog all pretty and as much as I want to continue on the computer tonight, I have a handsome man and two furry things in my bed that are calling to me...so tomorrow the update shall come.

WARNING-CONTAINS PICTURE OF ICKY FOOT STITCHES

So since I have written last I cut my foot. I know, I know, those who actually know me know that this isn't exactly headline news, because I am indeed a klutz who doesn't watch where she is going as she should. Anyways, I was on the phone and walking out of my bedroom when I stepped on (I think) a shelf bracket. It didn't even hurt when I did it but as soon as I saw it I knew I was in trouble time. A very large piece of the skin on the bottom of my foot was hanging off. Lovely, I know. So I had to get 7 stitches in the bottom of my foot. The picture is only to see how many of you I can freak out lol!

Awake

I can't sleep. I wasn't feeling well this afternoon so I took a rather long and super comfy nap with my Bandit and Sassy...although I am paying for it now because I am wide awake...although grateful to my friend Jenny for being awake and chatting with me at this ungodly hour! There isn't really much to say that I didn't say in my last post, other than my shoulder is kinda achy and I am worried about my grandfather. He isn't doing so well and is in the hospital up in North Dakota. I am hoping and praying that he pulls through....

My shoulder is sore from digging up this horrid bush at my mothers the other day. I dug it up good....but now my shoulder is killing me.

So thats all I guess...I am gonna go eat something now cause I am feeling shaky....

Thankful

believe it or not folks...I am here. Still. I was going to move my blog but that turned out to be more of a pain in my ass than I wanted it to be so here I am writing here again. I would have written sooner but the stupid server hasn't let me on for weeks and I just spent the last hour reading up on my bloggy friends! So here I go with an update for all of those who care....

Dan

Dan and I are actually doing really well. The fighting has stopped for the most part and we are getting along great. Most of the time I look at him and think I have done nothing to deserve something so wonderful...and I am thankful.

Bandit and Sassy

What can I say? I love them, they love me, we play, we cuddle....they are my children for now and I am thankful

School

I started school last week again...giving it another shot at my Biology degree. It is going well, and I have only missed one class due to pain, and for that, I am thankful.

Zoloft

My doctor has put me on Zoloft to help with the depression. I don't think it is doing anything yet but everyone else seems to think it is..so I guess for that I am thankful.

Maggie and the Baby

Although it kills me every time I think about the fact that I am barren, I am trying very hard to be excited about being an Aunt. I will strive to be the best one I can be and hopefully I will do that little baby justice. I love my sister and I am thankful that her and my family are being understanding about how hard this is for me. I am thankful she is healthy so far, and I hope for a safe delivery of my first little nephew (yes, I KNOW its a boy lol)

Finally!

For those of you who have been following me I am sorry for the delay in getting a post up...stupid blogger hasn't let me log in for like a week! I have decided not to move my blog, cause fuck that...if someone doesn't like what I have to say then they don't have to read it. I will no longer be a slave to what mean people think. I am too tired tonight to write a full update, but I promise tomorrow I will sit down and really get it done...love you all!

Anyone want to know.....

why I hate it here in the pit of hell? this is why.

http://www.kcrg.com/news/local/52924272.html

Blog has moved!!!

Okay peeps this is it! I will continue to blog here on blogger as it is being imported to my new blog. However if there is content that I don't want certain people to see I will only be posting those on my new blog site, so you will have to go there to read it. These posts will be password protected and the information to access it will only be given to those trusted people who ask. It will not be given to those who wish to use my feelings and what I write to exploit me. My email is saraculwell@yahoo.com if you want to access info!

Blog Moving...

So I will be moving my blog to someplace else, being as there are eyes reading it that it was never meant for...Hi Maggie, Happy reading. For those of you who are avid followers, I will be letting you know where to access the new blog. For those of you who are only reading to have something to throw in my face and make me feel bad.....look elsewhere.

Today

I had to see my sister today. All hell hit the fan. I am seriously not ok....although after the yelling stopped I was able to sit there and talk about names and didn't cry till she left. I am just not ok.

Thinking.....

I hate my life

"Eh, whatever"

So I went out to some garage sales today with my mom. She knew that Dan was going out to look for work and I would be alone and I am pretty sure from the way she acted all day that she is sure I am going to off myself over Maggie being pregnant. I don't need to off myself....I am already dead.

So anyways we are at this garage sale and there is a large table with lots of baby things on it, and even though it hurt like hell I thought maybe there would be cute things that we could pick up for them. So there was this really nice crib that was hardly used and was just super nice (the kind that turns into a toddler bed, then a twin, and so one) and it was only 20 bucks so I said to my mom that we should get it for her. So she calls Maggie and her and Tyler (her husband) are sitting at the DHS office (because why not have a kid when you can't afford it, right? Everyone else does) and my mom asks if we should pick it up. Maggie asks Tyler and he says "NO, I dont want a USED crib and we have NINE months. Umm...yeah. You are sitting there at the DHS office getting FREE FUCKING MONEY because you are broke ass people and you are going to turn your nose up at a FREE CRIB?!?!?! Needless to say I was pretty pissed. So after that we keep seeing all these baby things that Mama wanted to buy and I finally had to go to the car and stay there because it was about killing me that here my mom wanted to buy all these baby things for them and they are just stupid stupid stupid and I am not pregnant and my life blows.

So THEN Dan and I are sitting there when Tyler brings their dog over (because they cant even take care of their dog by themselves, so yeah, they should have a baby) and I didnt say anything to him because I knew that I would cry...so Dan says "Tyler congrats man." and Tyler says "Eh, whatever" and rolls his eyes. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME???????? The man has no idea how lucky he is and even if he is stupid enough not to realize it he should have enough respect for us not to say "whatever" when we swallow how sad we are to tell him congrats. Stupid Stupid Stupid little boy who is about to be the father of my first niece or nephew. So not only did she get knocked up before me....she let a broke retard do the knocking up. SO PISSED!

Update

I added pics to my post about Backbone...there are tons more on my facebook if you want to go check them out!

Dead

My sister is pregnant.

Help

Ok anyone who knows how to get one of the cool blog templates from online to on here would you PLEASE let me know!

Backbone State Park

So I said I would blog about my trip to Backbone state park with Dan and Vicky, and late is better than never...so here goes!

So the other day was one of those very few and far between beautiful days in Iowa. None of us wanted to sit around here all day and waste the pretty weather, so we decided that we should head to Backbone and do some hiking and general outdoorsy stuff.

The park is like an hour from here (the middle of nowhere) and when we got there, although we were disappointed at the large number of people there, we were excited. I had never been and Dan hadn't been since he was young, so Vicky was acting as our guide. I hate it here so much, but I will say that being there reminded me that there is beauty in all things if you are willing to look for it.

The first thing we did was head to Backbone Cave. Vicky had been there before and said it was pretty cool. For those of you who don't know I suffer from a slight case of claustrophobia, so before I saw the thing I was not even sure that I was going to head in...but I figured I would give it a shot.


*note* I have been trying for three days to get pics of all this to come up with no luck....so you may have to use your imagination on how things looked.

So we get into the cave and I actually did really well, heading about halfway back before I had to turn around and find the light again. I think if I wasn't so scared of the small space it would have been pretty cool to be in there longer and enjoy the cool things there were to see. Either way the cave was cool and we spent about an hour going in and out and talking to people there.

After the cave we went on the "cave trail" that goes up over the cave and around again. It was pretty cool...more like actual hiking then just walking on a trail (my muscles hurt BAD the next day). Dan got some pretty cool pictured of wildlife and plants and when we got back to the car we were pretty filthy so we headed to the stream to wash off.

The streams at this park are super cool. All the bridges are underwater bridges so its like tons of little waterfalls everywhere you go. We hung out on the bridge and did some wading around for awhile and then headed to the springs.

Richmond Springs were SUPER COOL! Its this spring that shoots out 2000 gallons of water every minute and send the water to all these streams that the cool bridges are over. The water is a constant 48 degrees and there are trout EVERYWHERE. You can see all the fish cause the water was crystal clear. Apparently the water used to be piped to the hatchery in the park but they have since closed it...so no baby fishies for Sara...although Vicky and I did crawl around in the holes that were left.

After the springs we went to the "beach" where the stream was calm and sandy and did some wading. There is a series of pictures of me where it looks for sure like I am falling and almost did....but I caught myself every time. I got pretty wet and tired and despite Vicky wanting to go on the other trails we called it a day after that...I was pooped and in some pain.

I was pretty stoked that I made it was far as I did, even though at the end I felt bad for having to cut everyone elses day short because I was in pain. I guess I have to take what I can get, and the other day I got a fun day with my handsome husband and his silly sister. I will try to post those pics again, although with the internet here I am not going to guarantee anything. Till next time! Peace!

Blog coming tonight...

I planed to blog about my recent trip to Backbone state park, but the internet is being stupid and now I have to wait till free access time at 1 am to get my pics to upload for it....so there will be one in a few hours!

This is copied lol

Okay so I am having to write this in office so that I am sure if blogger decides to be stupid yet again and delete my post then I will be able to go here and have it without having to re-write everything.....
So here we go again...
We aren't moving to Florida, as most of you know, because Dan couldn't find a job and we are pretty much too broke to do anything. Where are we living then, you may ask, as I spoke before of selling our home to be able to move. Well, folks, I am 25 years old and living with my in-laws. Thats right, I am sleeping on a mattress in the middle of the basement where the whole world can see me and I have to go behind the water heater to change my clothes. I have no privacy, and not only do I have nothing really to my name, all the things that are here are nasty. Thats right, packrats. Not that there is anything wrong with keeping everything that you ever got in your entire life....whatever...to each their own...you should, however, should you chose to keep these things, keep them clean. I kid you not I have to walk over dirty dishes to even get to the sink. I cleaned the whole kitchen one day...top to bottom...took me all day, literally. What did it get me? A day of a clean kitchen. Three days later I was walking over the dirty ones all over again. Do they mind living like this? Apparently not, being as I have yet to see anyone do anything to make it any different.
There is no cable here. One would think that that would prevent this next problem, and yet it doesn't seem to. It doesn't matter what time of day it is, where everyone is at, or what anyone is doing, the TV is ALWAYS on full blast. There are times (more than once a day mind you) that I will go in the living room to the TV on as high as it will go on some stupid public TV channel because that is all we get...and there is no one watching it!!! Just no one...not even a dog sitting in the room. So what do I do? I turn the damn thing off. Three hours later I get hollared at for turning the TV off! Hello?!?!?!?! There was no one watching it! GOD! Oh, and could I EVER watch the news around here? Nope, we don't care about what is going on the the world around here because Barney is on. Yes, Barney. I kid you not. So I have to read my news on the internet, that is when it is working....
The internet is never working here. We live in bum-fuck Iowa so the only internet we have is the kind where if it decides you have had enough internet for today it just stops working. Or if it is cloudy it stops working. Or rainy, or windy, or sunny, or if it is just having a bad day and wants to piss Sara off, it stops working. Why is this important? Because since I am STILL stuck in this stupid state and we live so far outside of stupid town that I can't afford to drive to class everyday the only way I can be a full time student is to take....you guessed it...online classes. Well, so that is all shot to pot so I am only part time. No difference, though, because we all know its only a matter of time before the dreaded “E” word comes barreling back into the center of my life instead of just staying in the sidelines as a minor annoyance...
The “E” word we all know is Endometriosis. For the longest time I thought that it was at least simmering down for awhile. Wrong. Yesterday was such a pretty day that Dan, Vicky, and I decided to go hiking and check out backbone park (I will blog about that and post pics here when the internet is workign lol) and about halfway up this mountain thing I started to have cramps. I didn't complain though because I know that everyone gets timed of hearing me complain about being hurt and I know that Dan was eexcited that it was me who suggested the trip in the first place, cause usually I would never think of it because of the pain. So today, despite the good time, I am stuck pretty much in bed, and I have no internet because, like we learned earlier, my life sucks here.
So that is pretty much all she wrote for now. I really did have a good time at Backbone and I will write more later just about that so there are some happy things for my readers to read about. I will be posting more often now, I think, being as there is nothing better to do and I am stuck in this horrible place I may as well try to be entertaining to others. I will write more soon, till then I wish my Endo and PCOS sisters a pain-free day and the rest of you a good afternoon!!! Peace!

GAHHHHHHHHH

it did it AGAIN!!!!!!!

GAH

I just spent an hour writing a blog and it erased it....

I will try again tomorrow

IT

I can't make myself not think about it. For a few weeks there I would go hours or even days at a time without thinking about how I am broken and weak. These days I can't seem to think of anything other than that. I can't even look at myself in the mirror for more than a few seconds because I can't stand what I am seeing anymore. All I see are my failures and my faults. And there are so many of them. I feel so very old and jaded....and I hate myself for it.

I don't even know where to start.....

How do I begin to even describe how I am feeling these days?? With an update on everything...

FLORIDA
For those of you who don't know a few weeks ago Dan and I sold our home in anticipation of moving to Florida so that I could continue my schooling and we could not be in the pit of hell that is Iowa anymore. Long story short...Dan got offered tow jobs but neither paid well enough for us to move there on and so now here we are with nothing but clothes, pets, and a few kitchen things living in his parents basement with just a curtain between his sister and us so that even if I felt like it (which I don't lately) I can't put the moves on him unless the light across the curtain is out and we are sure she's asleep. How long are we here for you may ask? Who freakin knows. The pit of hell apparently wants to keep its hold on me for a little longer and whatever....whats a few more months of not being able to leave the house without being reminded that every single day is just one day closer to my death here in the pit of hell? Whats a little longer misery to me? I hate this.

ENDO
I went of the Lupron a few months ago and last week my period was actually on time. Bring on the pain. I haven't been in pain like that in awhile and the only thing that I can say about it is that at least it was only for a few days. I am still pretty sure that I have endo on my sciatic nerve because my stupid legs both went out on me at about day three and stayed that way through the end. I can feel it inside me, growing every month, every day even. Its never gonna go away and even if I can for one moment forget that I am not a mother and maybe never will be the knowledge that my femininity has been stolen from me is always there in the front of my mind. I would love to find a treatment that actually works while not fucking with my head, but sadly, no luck yet. The doctors want me to go back on the Lupron, that there was no other option and another surgery was out of the question. I told them to shove it to hell and am now on the search for someone new again that will listen. It will never end.

PCOS
Nothing new here....my left ovary always hurts. Always.

So there ya go folks. There is prolly way more news than that but lets face it....the only thing I see is the children I can't have and the pain I am in all the time....what else is there? This is not rhetorical people.....someone PLEASE tell me what there is other than this constant heartache.

Lovely Blog Award!!!

Ok I have not been as good as I should have been about keeping people updated...but tomorrow I promise I shall!

I just received my first blog award from my good friend Jenn! I am supposed to put the logo on here but I can't figure it out so I suppose I shall wait till I can to get that up and to give the award on. A big thanks to her for the award....it makes me feel extra special!

And again, I promise tomorrow I shall update everyone on all the exciting news!!

Post Mothers Day Update

Ok I know I haven't really written anything in awhile and what better time than today? I am not going to go into detail about what happened...Sonja knows the horror that was Sunday. I don't want people reading the details all over the internet so lets just say...it could have been worse, but just barely.

Everywhere I looked there were families. They were fishing and hiking and just being happy spending the one day in Iowa that it was beautiful together. Every time I tried to think of happy things and go to my happy place there were children there too. Of course it does not help that of all days my period decided that Mothers Day is the day to come raging back into my life and bring with it the kind of pain that brings me to my knees. I didn't need the pain to bring me to my knees that day, I was already there. How can those of us with this pain be expected to be the bearer of gifts and flowers and pretend like we are happy for those who are lucky enough to have what we have been denied? How am I supposed to sit there and watch mothers yelling at their children for them just being children and not be completely pissed off? Do they now know how lucky they are? Do they not know that there are those of us whose bodies just don't do what they are supposed to do, and therefore we will never get that miracle? I would KILL for my child to spill his milk or lose a shoe or even mouth off to me. No one who has this joy seems to know that that is exactly what it is...a joy that they should cherish and love and be thankful for every day of their lives. There is no way to describe how painful it was for me...except to say if I EVER hear another women whine about the pain of childbirth I am going to scream...because yes, that may have hurt, but imagine Mothers Day without being a mother.

Sassy saved me really. She sat on my lap and walked beside me and even hiked for a little bit with me without doing her usual prissy thing where she does what she wants when she wants. She licked my face and jumped in my arms when I said "come to mommy." She even got me a card and a photo, although I suppose daddy helped with that...but what three-year-old doesn't need help with that? :)

I am already dreading next year, although I figure that if I got through this one maybe I can do it again. But I will never ever EVER look around a restaurant or park on a family holiday and wonder why there are always just a few that look like they want to kill themselves or someone else, because I have been that person, and will prolly be again.

So that was the dreaded day. If you want more details cause you like the juicy stuff lol...and trust me it is...message me or gimme a call or whatever, y'all know how to reach me. I am off now to pretend like it doesn't still hurt. Wish me luck.

Happy Fucking Mothers Day

If I see one more freakin baloon boasting congrats to women who are not broken everywhere I am going to scream! As if it isn't enough that I have to listen to the woes of the stupid women who don't know how lucky they are in the grocery store line complaining about sore nipples are something equally tragic, I also have to run about doing errands as if there is some sort of arrow pointing at my head saying "LOOK!!! An infertile woman!!! Lets make her feel worse, shall we?" GRRR. I will post more when I have the time and my computer isn't dying but until then, I propose a holiday....the holiday of "Shut the fuck up and keep your kids at home so I don't have to feel any more sorry for myself!"

This is what I think of packing.....

it BLOWS

The Plan

We are selling everything that we can part with....including the trailer. We are moving in with Dans parents till we sell enough to move. We are getting the hell outa here. I can't be here anymore. Its breaking me....always has been. Thats the plan. Now you all know. Warmer days and NOT Iowa here we come.

Charity begins.....in the unempoyment office

I got laid off. Apparently the good people at the MDA have decided that they don't need to pay 5 temps to do what three salaried employees can do for free (kinda, you know what I mean). Either way, it blows and now Dan and I are both unemployed. How fantastic. He has a new temp job starting in two weeks but my question is what the hell are we supposed to do until then? And even after then, as the new job is only 4 hours a day 10 bucks an hour. That works out to us being 2,000 bucks in the hole every month, assuming that I stop all meds and we don't eat. If I stop blogging its because I had to cancel my internet and I have killed myself because of the lack out outside contact. Have I mentioned lately that I HATE MY LIFE?

The holiday of childless people

Just so everyone out there knows....if I see one more little kid looking for an Easter egg I am going to scream.

Why is it that every single holiday is marketed at kids? I used to meet these holidays with the joy that maybe that would be my last one without a child to share it with. Now they all just annoy me. How is it that they can take any freakin holiday and turn it into something to do with children? I want to know where the childless people holidays are. The holidays where all of us, either by choice or circumstance, who don't have children, get together and exchange gifts and drink and be merry and have a good time without the pregnancy of the world literally shoved in our faces. Where is this day. Perhaps I should make it today, in which case, I am off to buy more wine and be merry with myself.

There isn't much else to say. I hereby claim today the day of childless people. Have fun....if you still can.

Headaches and Heartache

I have a headache. It started yesterday as a dull inconvenience and has slowly grown into a raging roar right behind my right eye. I blame my new job. Its not hard by any means...pick up the phone, pitch, and up the phone after getting yelled at. Really no biggie. Note to all, though...if I charity calls you and you are genuinely too cheap or lazy to help out, please just tell the person on the other line the truth, rather than going into some really long rant about how I, 500 miles away, should have known now to call in the middle of your AA meeting while you mother is dying and your dog is going through Prozac withdrawal. I hate my life sometimes.

I have to stay, though. We woke up this morning to freezing cold and no hot water...problem? No gas. Solution? A check that is sure to bounce driven across town in the wee hours of the morning while I cry about not wanting to go to work and Dan convinces me to go in. We need the money. I need excision surgery like no one would believe, and I need the hell out of Iowa even more. Neither one of those things happens without me working and earning more money, therefore, I stay. Please don't misunderstand, though, its a great cause and when I get a "yes" I feel really good that I am doing my part. When I get a "no," "fuck off," or the more usual than you would think "I don't believe in charity," I feel like wow I hate my life and would just as soon stay at home and call random people in the phone book and ask them to donate to the "Sara needs gas to take a hot shower cause she has a headache cause of cheap-ass people" fund. What do I tell myself to get through the day? Nothing. I pretend it isn't me and that the life I am living is the dream and the dreams are my life. This has been working out well for me...although its put me in therapy....all the more reason to keep working I suppose.

Where is the heartache I spoke of in the title? I am so glad you asked. Its not really anything new. Just the usual "I hate my life why can't I have a baby why does everything suck so damn much" rant that so many of you have already heard before. Mostly it just sounded cool in the title, and it worked, cause here you are reading this. Now all I need is some baby food company to pay me lots of money to advertise on my blog to make the irony come full circle.

There really isn't much else...I have to go clean my house and clean my hair with cold water...I hate being dirty. I will close with the ever popular I hate my life....and wish you readers a happy Easter and hope that tomorrow the sun will shine brighter. Although it probably won't because I live in the land of never-ending Winter that is Iowa. *Sigh*

Sara's rules for commenting...

okay, those of you who are normal followers and frequent supporters, this is not meant for you...this is meant for those who do not know me personally and have never spoken to me except through this blog....

I have endo sisters and close friends that I ask for opinions when I want them. For those of you who only know me because of this blog, you don't really know me. When I want to reach out and ask for other peoples opinions I will do so...until then please leave your uninformed thoughts to you own blog.

Yes, I did drugs when I was younger, and yes, I am aware that is wasn't good for me. Just who the hell do you think you are, telling me what was and wasn't good for me? Trust me when I say that there are plenty of people in my life that make me feel guilty for my past choices, myself included, and I do not need those who have never even spoken to me telling me what they think I should have could have would have done. I am not an idiot and I am well aware. For you to imply that the reason I am in the boat I am in is because of choices I made when I was younger makes you just as ignorant as those who knew me then and think the same thing. Until you are in MY shoes, you have no place to judge.

If I need religious advice I will be sure to ask those who I know and trust. If I choose to believe or not to believe in certain deities that is my choice. Again, there are plenty of people in my real life who thrust their uneducated opinions in my face on a daily basis. My relationship with God is between me and God, and no one else. While I appreciate the prayers you so kindly offered, that is all that is needed. Please keep your opinions on religion and God to those who ask.

I am well aware of the treatment options that are available to me, and I alone will make the choice when and if to pursue those options. You are not my doctor, and you are not one of my trusted friends, so until you are either of those, please offer your thoughts to someone who asked for them. If I choose a particular treatment, even if you think it is stupid, please either be my friend and support me or don't be my friend and don't-but shut up about it. AGAIN, I have plenty of people in my own family that think they know what is best for me and my body, and I don't listen to them, either, except to take their thoughts into consideration. Those thoughts that I use to make my own decision come from those who I trust, not those who have only known about me what I have chosen to share in this blog. If you look at my reasons for starting this blog you will see that I am NOT a doctor, nor do I claim to know any better than one what is best for someone else. I would never come to your blog and disrespect a choice you have made regarding your own treatment, so please give me the same respect.

Please do not send me links to "helpful" website that do nothing but advocate your own opinion. What you chose for your own research is your choice, and I respect that. Please show me the same consideration, and please know that I know PLENTY of site, thank you very much.

This last bit is meant not only for the inconsiderate person whose mean thoughts are no longer in my comment section, but for anyone who comes across this who knows someone who is suffering from infertility......

The LAST thing any of us want or need to hear is that we are young and to stop stressing. That is just mean, uneducated, and disrespectful. If I hear one more time that I should just adopt I am going to SCREAM! I am well aware that that is an option for me, along with the millions of other women in my situation. We are ALL aware of this, and while that may be an option in the future...COULD YOU PLEASE LET US GRIEVE OUR LOSS!!!!!!!! It is not always the loss of future pregnancies we are grieving. While that is at the top of many lists, there are dozens of other things that hurt us just as badly and until you are US (which, by the way, is impossible) you will never know. Things bother me that don't bother friends I have even though we are all suffering the same problems. No two people are the same, and to assume that adoption is an option for everyone is just the same as assuming the best way to quit smoking for one person is the same for all smokers. Please, if you know and/or love someone who is suffering from infertility, please only offer your opinion on family building when you are asked. We do not need to hear about the options.....we are all aware of them.

There are those of you reading this who know this is not directed towards you, and to those...I LOVE YOU TO PIECES! You are my friends...and I don't know what I would do without you.

One of those moments...

I am having one of those moments. One of those moments where I am sitting here really thinking about the fact that I am childless. I hate these moments. They are usually late at night when Dan and all the animals are asleep and there in no one to talk to. These moments break my heart. How fair is it that I am sitting here with the room and the love and the desire for a child while there are teenagers out there getting knocked up on their first try? How fair is it that I have to explain to my family for the 500th time that they really don't get it? I don't need to hear about how using the same soap got my parents pregnant forever ago. I don't need to hear my sisters twisted opinions about Endometriosis and the pain that comes with it. I don't need to hear about how ALL the girls I went to high school with are parents, and that most of them aren't even married. I HATE THIS.

If I see one more mother being mean or not paying attention to their child while I am sitting there waiting for my therapy appointment to talk about the fact that I am barren I am going to scream. How fair is it that they put the poor women like me in the room to wait with all the pregnant people? Couples holding hands and looking at ultrasounds and women with babies waiting for the doctor to come out and tell them that they are perfectly healthy and that there is nothing wrong with their body; unlike mine which seems to fall apart every time I turn around. This is NOT fair, and I just do NOT accept it.

My therapist and I have been talking lots about how I have the right to be angry. I have the right to grieve my loss and to have it affect me, because that is just what it is, a loss. No one else seems to get this. I mean, for the first couple months they seemed to be really understanding and said they understood how angry and upset I was...but now its like they all seem to think that I should have gotten over this weeks ago. None of them seem to realize that I will be grieving for the rest of my life this loss. I have lost something I was never blessed enough to have, and that is the cruelest loss of all. I have been talking with my friend Sonja about how when someone real dies, whether it be a pet or friend or family member, people get together and grieve together and talk about it and have the ceremony where they celebrate that persons life. Where is the ceremony for my loss? Where is the funeral for my dear friends lost children? Where is the celebration of the life brought to this world for me and my sweet husband? There is none. There never was that life. And maybe there never will be.

Why does it seem that this theft only occurs to those who least deserve it? There are dear friends of mine who I love more than anything, and would make the best parents I could think of, and yet they are suffering the same, if not worse, loss as me. Why is it that the people that deserve parenthood the most are the ones robbed of it? This makes no sense to me. My sister seems to think that God has a plan and all this. Bull. No one is going to convince me anymore that this is part of some larger plan. I WANT to believe that God is there and hasn't forgotten about me and my struggles...but WHERE is he? I pray ALL the time. I pray for relief and for pregnancy and for my friends and yet NOTHING happens. I told this to my sister and of course her answer to these questions was the ever popular "maybe his answer was no." Explain this to me, PLEASE. If God is there and knows what is best for me then how come he thinks that for me to be in this horrible pain is what's best? This makes NO sense, and I just hate it. And it IS pain. No one seems to get that either. Yes, I am still on the Lupron (for now) and yes, for the most part, my physical pain is gone. What about this pain in my heart? My heart actually hurts for this loss. Every time I see anything having to do with babies it just kills me. Dan asked me earlier what I was thinking about and I told him the truth "I am thinking of babies." All he could say was that I should try to think of something else so that it didn't make me so sad. Yeah, like that is easy to do, if even possible at all! And thats another thing....here we are wanting a child desperately and I seem to be the only one in this marriage who is still affected by this! He NEVER cries or gets upset or even says wow this really sucks. All he ever says is "don't be sad, Sara, it will happen for us." I HATE HATE HATE those words. Yeah it is all easy for everyone in the whole damn world to say that it will happen but they dont know! No one knows, and that is what kills me the most. Sometimes I want a hysterectomy so bad I can taste it...just because then there will be an absolution. Then there will be an answer...not the one I want....but at least an answer.....and that is all I want.

I have gone on. I should prolly head to bed and try to get some sleep. Maybe tonight my dreams won't revolve around the little girl in my head that I shall never meet. I will leave with this one last question. How can someone who has never lived, never breathed, never even died....still haunt me?

Bandit, Jobs, and the return of pain

Hey all! I know I haven't written too much lately, except to tell you all about Boy Cat. :(

Anyways, I am sitting here wishing it was spring so I could go outside and play with all my babies, but alas, Iowa is my enemy and the wind is cold and unforgiving. So instead I will sit in my warm bed with my animals who love me and write to all of you.

The last week has been rather busy actually. I decided after Boy Cat passed that is was time to get a job. I haven't worked in over a year because of pain, and although it has been under control for a little while now, I just haven't been ready. I think that I am now. Dan helped me update my resume and get it out there, and I got one! On Monday I start at the MDA helping to raise money for their yearly "lockup" program. Its only part time and temporary but I think thats a good thing...no reason to jump into things too quickly. I went and bought some new nice clothes to wear and actually had a decent time shopping for them with my sister Maggie. I am looking forward to getting out of the house a little bit and earning some money.

The other news is Bandit. I went out to the special needs kitty shelter with my sister-in-law because she was looking to adopt a kitty for when she gets her first apartment. I didn't think I was ready to get a new kitty yet, but Bandit just kinda gumped out at me. I came home and thought about it and talked it over with Dan and ultimately decided that I couldn't just leave him there. I got him two days ago. He is a domestic shorthair, black and white all over. I will post pictures of him as soon as I can, I can't right now as Dan keeps taking the camera with him when he leaves the house. Silly hubby of mine. Juno and Bandit are becoming fast friends...they both slept with Dan and I last night! I thought it was pretty cute, but I did miss my Sassy and she was giving me the cold shoulder this morning when I got up. That little one really does live up to her name! Sassy and Romeo are interested in Bandit, but not quite ready to make friends I think. I honestly don't think it will ever happen with Romeo....he just doesn't like kitties. Oh well, though, Bandit is making his was into my heart and our home, and I am glad I made the choice to get him. He is healing my hurt. I still miss my Boy Cat, though.

On the pain issue I have been having some random ovarian pain. I still can't really pinpoint if its something I need to worry about or not. There are worse things I suppose. Still sucks.

I have decided to go off the Lupron. I have thought long and hard about it as my hair falls out and the time since I was last able to make love to Dan gets farther and farther away. I just can't do it anymore. I am not sure what the long term plan is but I am definately going to try to get down to Atlanta for exsicion surgery. There has to be more options that dont involve these horrible side effects. There is always another choice, and although my family thinks I am crazy, no more Lupron for Sara.

My good friend Sonja lives in the Fargo area and was evacuated not long ago. This makes me really sad. Most of you know that last year my family and I lived through the worst flood Cedar Rapids has ever seen. I know first hand how horrible a flood can be and how long it takes to clean up and rebuild after one. My thoughts are with her and her family and everyone else who will be touched by this freak of nature.

So thats the last week or so. I really will try to update more often, but that is all I can write now as I really want my house to be clean when I start work and if I dont get off my butt and do it it wont get done cause lets face it, men are lazy. But that is a WHOLE other blog.

Boy Cat

This is the story of Boy Cat. April 14th, 2008-March 22nd, 2009

After my surgery in August I was really down and sad because I didn't have a baby. Dan brought me home my sweet boy after work one day and thought it would help. We did have dogs but they wouldn't cuddle with me on my lap nicely the way I needed after the surgery. I named "her" Calliope. My Callie Cat.

"She" played with the dogs and had fun and brought joy to all our lives for the short time "she" was here. The name changed after I saw his little balls and thought "jeez hes a boy!" but I couldnt come up with a good name so Boy Cat it was. Three months ago we brought home Alegra to be friends with Boy Cat and they ran and played and we just pretty much cute all the time. They slept in an empty drawer in the kitchen...when Boy Cat wasn't sleeping with Juno being VERY cute.

Last week Dan and I noticed the cats were getting outside somehow, and we found a small home that gave access to the outside through our bathroom, and although we thought we had it closed last night my sweet Boy Cat got out. We are still not sure what happened, whether it was a car or another animal or what, but here is what we do know.

At 1am Dan went to the bathroom and came back and woke me up to tell me there was blood all over the floor. I went and looked and we could hear Boy Cat crying somewhere behind the wall. After taking the wall off we found him, covered in bruises and blood. I scooped him up in a towel and we ran to the ER vet just outside of town. They took him back and did the initial exam. When the vet came out the first time he told us there was significant trauma and he thought either his spine was severed or his pelvis was seriously broken, but there was no way to tell without xrays. So we gave the permission for that and they pulled us back to look at them. My poor kitties spine was in two pieces, broken right above his hind legs. An injury like that is very hard and very unlikely to come back from. There was too much damage to his bladder to ever function again and it was filled with blood. The vet said it would be a slow, if painless (from the spinal injury) death. We made the desicion to put him down. My sweet Boy Cat was taken from my arms at 6:30 this morning, and the next time I see him will be in an urn.

This is my tribute to Boy Cat. He was sweet and affectionate and SO funny. He made me laugh when I needed and distracted the dogs when I needed a break. He made friends with any animal or person he came in contact with, and was the most laid back cat I have ever met...right till the end. He nursed from our Juno and even though it was silly we let it happen, because it seemed to be a comfort for both of them. He kept my belly soft and warm after my surgery and kept my heart warm in the months we had him. He knew where home was and even after injury he knew where to come to get the help and love he needed to leave this world painlessly. Although I will miss him terribly, I am trying to remember the good things he brought to my life in a very hard time.

My mind is reeling over this loss. I can't seem to accept it yet. I woke up this afternoon and asked Dan if it was a dream, because it still feels that way. I will never know why God took my kitty at this time in my life, when the loss burns even more. There are many tears to come. Please pray for me, as I have lost what I considered my child. And pray for his friends in this house, Juno, Sassy, Romeo, and Alegra. They will dearly miss their friend.

Update

I haven't written much in a long time. I have been pretty busy. I had my birthday on the 13th and since then I have been pretty much spending all my time "playing" with my presents. I got a new ipod and some rollerblades so I have been spending lots of time outside now that it is getting nice. I am not gonna lie...its really nice to be able to plan something and be able to do it without much pain. These days most of the pain is in my head. I have had a few breakdowns where I just cried uncontrollably because of the lack of babies and periods and the feeling that I am not a woman anymore. Dan and I are not having much sex...I can't seem to make myself enjoy it and even though I still give it up to him he still gets upset because I figure what the hell right? Apparently I either don't fake it well enough or something and so that is getting us into fights about that. Oh well, though, I can't help it so I guess it just comes with the territory. That is pretty much it. Therapy weekly and fights weekly and crying and trying to keep busy to prevent going out of my mind. I will try to update more for those of you who read this often. Peace out all!

Mostly I am pissed

For those of you who don't already know, today begins March, aka Endometriosis Awareness Month. This will be my first official March with an official diagnosis. Oh the joy. I want to go out there and spread the word and tell everyone I meet all about it...but mostly I am just pissed. Pissed that despite the friends I have made and the things I have learned, I shouldn't have to even know this word, Endo. I am 24 years old! I should be able to have a child when I want to and get a job when I want to and go shopping and clean and LIVE when I want to! I should not even know the things that I know about disease and my own body and other womens bodies and research and all this! Don't get me wrong, I am glad that this disease has opened my eyes to all the injustices in the medical community, and yet I am pissed that I even have to sit here thinking about it while chewing my nails down to nothing worrying about things that no one should ever have to worry about. Mostly I am pissed.

I will be 25 in two weeks. I should be happy. Mostly I am pissed because not only do I not have the child I wanted by the time I was 25 but I don't have the degree and the long hair and the smooth skin and the house and the debt-free life and the career and all mostly ANYTHING that I wanted by the time I was this age....and its all due to endo. And every freakin March for the rest of my life I will get one year older and have the thoughts of something that I should have by that older age but I don't have because of this freakin disease. Mostly I am pissed.

Please don't get me wrong, I am beyond happy that there is a whole month where people can spread the word and learn and teach about endo. I think its great. I also think that if someone would get off their ass and find a freakin cure already then the month of my birth would not only represent the passage of time in my life...but that horrible disease I once had that pissed me off all the time. Maybe I could plan a party and plans and have a martini and just be...happy. Maybe I wouldn't be mostly pissed.

Interview

woo hoo! Jenn interviewed me and if any of you bloggers out there want to be interviewed by me just let me know!

1. If money didn't matter, what would be your dream job?
I would sing. Once upon a time I was really good and got offers that most people would not believe and I screwed them all up because I was, well, stupid when I was younger. I would sing for free.
2. If you could meet anyone who would it be and why?
My brother, Ryan. I always knew about him and when he found us I was beyond excited. That was almost 5 years ago and I have still only spoken with him on the phone and through e-mail, so I would want to meet him and get to know him because from what I do know he is more like me than either of my sisters.
3. What animal would you say best describes your personality?
wow this one is hard! I would say....a turtle lol. Mostly because when I get my feelings hurt or if something scares me even though I want to face it head-on I am usually to scared to do it and I just hide within myself
4. If you could have any superpower, what would it be?
breathing underwater. partly because it would be super-cool, and partly because then my never-ending fear of drowning would be gone.
5. What is your favorite book?
its a little cheesy but its still "Little Women." I have tons of books that I love but that is the one I can always count on for the rainy or painful days to carry me away...which is the point of books, after all!

Six things that make me smile

I was tagged by Sonja!

1-Dan. We have our moments where we argue and want to kill each other (lol) but mostly he is my best friend and my one and only love. Hes really my everything

2-my animals. Sassy is my second best friend in the world and between her and romeo and boy cat and girl cat (and very rarely Juno) I am almost never lonely

3-my friends. online mostly...but they are still more than I could ever ask for and I thank God that he blessed me with women who know what I am going through and who I can lean on.

4-my family. My mom and dad and my sisters are the most awesome ever and I couldn't ask for better!

5-pomegranates. I LOVE them and they are a special treat when I can find a ripe one!

6-books. I don't know what I would do without the worlds that are right there on my shelf. They take me to better and happier places when I need an escape!

Hannah's Prayer

'O Lord of hosts, if You will indeed look on the affliction of Your maidservant and remember me, and not forget Your maidservant, but will give Your maidservant a male child, then I will give him to the Lord all the days of his life, and no razor shall come upon his head"

I am Hannah. I am barren....and my prayers still go unanswered. When will I get my miracle?

Those with stronger faith than mine may say that maybe I have gotten my answer and its "no." I refuse to accept this. Not yet. I still dream of pregnancy every night and I still wake up and cry because part of me if scared to death it will never actually happen. When do I get MY miracle?

I am lazy...I shall update now

Okay I know I haven't written anything since, well, forever...and so I shall write now.

I saw the new specialists at the University about two weeks ago. Long story short they told me I wasn't getting preggers any time soon and that my best bet was lupron. So I took it. Stupid Stupid Stupid Lupron. I have never hated anything worse than I hate the way I am feeling now. I am having hot flashes and I am bleeding and it just plain sucks...sucks sucks sucks.

So yeah, thats the quick update. I would write more about it except that, you know, UGH! If I talk or write or even think about it more than I want to then I just cry. So yeah...although I have been reading lots since all this cause I have no energy to do anything else so my book blog is soon to be updated with all the fun of the books! Peace people!

Tagged

Is it sad that I feel somehow special because I have been tagged? lol....thanks Jenn for the tag, and the use of your picture here that I didn't ask for!

1) I took my first shot of lupron today. Those of you who follow the blog will hear all about it tomorrow when I have real coherent thoughts.

2) I sometimes miss the cat I had for 14 years growing up. RIP Attic!

3)I go through animal fazes where for a few days I am a dog person and for a few days I am a cat person. This confuses my animals!

4)I was very close to living in England a few years ago when my ex-husband was facing deportation. Being still married to him would be hardly be worth the culture!

5)Some of my best friends I have never met in real life. This includes my endo sisters and Dan (not either husband lol) with whom I have had a pen-pal relationship with for over 10 years

6)I have a sister who is gay and since finding this out have become very interested in reading/learning about the gay community

7)I read so fast its scary. I can literally sit down and read a large "chapter book" or novel in a few hours or less. I tried once to write down and count all the books I have read and I stopped counting at 3,432.....and before you ask that is a real number I just looked at my list!

TAGGED PEEPS!
Sam
Whitney
Kristen
Allyson
Jenn-ha ha I wasn't going to and you talked me into it
Sonja-you should feel special (cause you are) cause you are tagged at least twice!

My fears.....

I am seeing my new doctor tomorrow. She is supposed to be this really great RE (reproductive endocrinologist) who has helped hundreds of women in my situation. I am scared to death.

First off.....if she says that there is a chance I can get pregnant...what will the cost be? Never mind the financial strain that we are already under just trying to keep me comfortable because of the PCOS and endo....but more fertility treatments than I have already tried cost literally hundreds and thousands of dollars. How could we ever afford it? No insurance and only one income does not rich people make. And thats not the only cost. How much longer can I be in pain and "just deal" with it because I so desperately want to be a mother? How much longer can I put this strain on my marriage because we want a child to share our love with? How fair is it to try like hell to being a child into my life when I am still so sick and in so much pain that I may not be able to care for them the way they deserve? There are so many more costs to consider other than money. In fact, money is the least of it. I would find a way to get the money if that was my only concern.

Then there is the fear that I will hear what I am sitting here tonight trying to prepare myself for. That the chances are so low that it would not even be worth it to try. I have always thought that there might be something wrong with me in the reproductive department, but when I was with my ex-husband I just thought that God was looking out for me and not letting me get pregnant because he knew that he would have been a bad father. But what about now? Now I have a man who would be a fantastic father....who loves me and would love any child that we would be blessed with. I always thought that it was Daniel....I thought, "thank God he couldn't have kids cause then I would still be tied to him" I guess it was me that whole time. Long story short I have been thinking about this for years and here I am about to be faced with the possibility that it will never happen for me and my heart is breaking. I am crying every other hour because I hear the doctor telling me what I am so scared will be true. I am infertile. And the thing is I might get awesome news tomorrow but what if I don't? Even though I am trying like hell to prepare for the worst I know there is no way I will be able to hold it together if I get the news that somehow I already know is coming.

And then there is what to do next? What to do if the news is bad and then we have to deal with the next steps....the steps to get me out of pain and on with my life? I talk all the time about how if it comes down to it I would be ok with having my ovaries removed or even having a total hysterectomy....but really thats just talk. It sounds all well and good to act strong when you are sitting there having coffee with your mother...its a whole other thing when you are sitting here in the middle of the night not able to sleep going over and over it in your head. On the one hand....I would KILL to never have another period again...but then again what women wouldn't? On the other hand how would I ever deal with that inevitable feeling of not feeling whole? Two very good friends of mine recently underwent hysterctomies due to adenomyosis. (I will place a brief description at the end of this blog for those of you who are interested.) These are two of the strongest bravest women I have ever had the pleasure of calling friends....and even though I know it is never as easy as it sounds...they are dealing better than I ever could. You read stories about how women without breasts because of cancer or things like that come to the realization that they are still whole women even though they are missing the most outward feminine part of them. These women are stronger than me I think. I still have all my girlie bits and yet I feel broken and not whole now...how would I feel if I didn't have my uterus anymore? Or even if I didn't have my ovaries? Even right now, sitting here, I feel as though what defines me as a woman is somhow inferior to others. The logical side of me tells me that this just isn't true....but my poor broken heart sees it differently.

This damn depression scares me too. I have always gone through bouts of depression even when I was a child...and I can tell when its just a passing thing or if I am in for months or even a year or more of serious battling with my own head. This one is getting bad. Before you all freak out and say I should see someone I fully intend on asking the new doc tomorrow for a referral. But seriously...who wouldn't be depressed with all of this stuff going on? Every minute of every day of my life I am thinking about all of these things. It has gotten to the point that I have to have the TV or radio or SOME kind of noise going on at all times just so that I am not overloaded with the screaming thoughts in my head. I put the TV on sleep for three hours and then somehow sometimes I am able to get to sleep. I ask dan to turn the TV back on when he leaves to work so when I wake up I will have something to focus on that isn't my own thoughts. Even while reading I have to have the radio on in the backround because if I don't I somehow see myself and relate everthing in the book to what is going on in this crazy head of mine. I fear seeing someone for this. I was on so many pills for so long when I was a child that when I turned 18 and could take myself off of them that is exactly what I did....because I really thought that I didn't need them, and for the most part I was right. I have been without anti-dperessants since then and I am afraid if I talk to someone they are just going to want to fill me up on prozac and send me on my way. I know all to well the side effects of these kinds of medications. I believe that they can so some people some good....but I also believe that most doctors use them as a fix-all and they are only using that particular pill that particular day because someone from that company bought them lunch the week before. I should stop talking about this now before I go off on the problems and my opinions on drug companies!

So that is today. All these things running around in my head and not a damn thing to do about them but write. It does help though...getting all these things out there into the world. I can say things when I write that were I talking I would search for hours for the right words. For those of you reading this, thank you for listening. And for those of you who are battling the same things I am and know where I am coming from, I hope that you get everything you desire and my prayer is that one day there will be a cure for our ills and these thoughts will be but a memory. God Bless you all.

AS PROMISED!!!!!

Adenomyosis is a medical condition characterized by the presence of ectopic endometrial tissue (the inner lining of the uterus) within the myometrium (the thick, muscular layer of the uterus).

The condition is typically found in women between the ages of 35 and 50. Patients with adenomyosis can have painful and/or profuse menses (dysmenorrhea & menorrhagia, respectively).

Adenomyosis may involve the uterus focally, creating an adenomyoma, or diffusely. With diffuse involvement, the uterus becomes bulky and heavier.

Causes

The cause of adenomyosis is unknown, although it has been associated with any sort of uterine trauma that may break the barrier between the endometrium and myometrium, such as a caesarean section, tubal ligation, pregnancy termination, and any pregnancy.

Some say that the reason adenomyosis is common in women between the ages of 35 and 50 is because it is between these ages that women have an excess of estrogen. Near the age of 35, women typically cease to create as much natural progesterone, which counters the effects of estrogen. After the age of 50, due to menopause, women do not create as much estrogen.

Diagnosis

The uterus may be imaged using ultrasound (US) or magnetic resonance imaging (MRI). Transvaginal ultrasound is the most cost effective and most available. Either modality will show an enlarged uterus. On ultrasound, the uterus will have a heterogeneous texture, without the focal well-defined masses that characterize uterine fibroids.

MRI provides better diagnostic capability due to the increased spatial and contrast resolution, and to not being limited by the presence of bowel gas or calcified uterine fibroids (as is ultrasound). In particular, MR is better able to differentiate adenomyosis from multiple small uterine fibroids. The uterus will have a thickened junctional zone with diminished signal on both T1 and T2 weighted sequences due to susceptibility effects of iron deposition due to chronic microhemorrhage. A thickness of the junctional zone greater than 10 to 12 mm (depending on who you read) is diagnostic of adenomyosis (<8>

MR can be used to classify adenomyosis based on the depth of penetration of the ectopic endometrium into the myometrium.

Treatment

Treatment options range from use of NSAIDS & hormonal suppression for symptomatic relief, with hysterectomy the only permanent cure option. Women with Adenomyosis fail endometrial ablation because the ablation only affects the surface endometrial tissue, not the tissue that has grown into the muscle lining. This remaining tissue is still viable and will continue to cause pain. The result of failed ablation due to Adenomyosis is hysterectomy.

Those that believe an excess of estrogen is the cause or adenomyosis, or that it aggravates the symptoms, recommend avoiding products with xenoestrogens and/or recommend taking natural progesterone supplements.

Prognosis

There is no increased risk for cancer development. As the condition is estrogen-dependent, menopause presents a natural cure. Patients with adenomyosis often also have leiomyomata and/or endometriosis.

*source-wikepedia.com*

PCOS

I wrote about my endometriosis story a few days ago like that was my only problem....but I also suffer from PCOS, and lately it has been giving me even more grief than the endo. I thought I would write a quick blog just introducing all of you to PCOS and the smptoms and why having this disease along with endo is a double sided knife.

PCOS is basically an endocrine disorder that stems from an overload of testosterone. There are so many more things that stem from this than just ovarian cysts. Obviously this is one very big symptom but there are so many more that affect women everyday. Here are just a few....

• Oligomenorrhea, amenorrhea — irregular, few, or absent menstrual periods.
• Infertility, generally resulting from chronic anovulation (lack of ovulation).
• Hirsutism — excessive and increased body hair, typically in a male pattern affecting face, chest and legs.
• Hair loss appearing as thinning hair on the top of the head
• Acne, oily skin, seborrhea.
• Obesity: one in two women with PCOS are obese.
• Depression.^[4]
• Deepening of voice

I have more than a few of these. My periods have never been regular. I remember when I first started trying to have a baby with my ex-husband I never knew when to get excited because I would bleed randomly for a few days at a time without reason or schedule. I was told by my doctor at the time that this was normal.

Obviously I am having troubles with infertility.

I have hair that grown randomly all over....the ones that drive me nuts the most are the five long, thick, and deep-bedded hairs that just appear overnight on my breasts. Drives me insane. I shave them off and I always look and never notice them growing back and then one day I look and there they are....looking like they have been growing for weeks.

Acne. This is one of the worst ones. I have tried every single face wash, cream, treatment, anything you can think of for my face and nothing seems to help. My mother used to tell me that everyone gets acne and that it was normal, but the fact is that after a certain point it is no longer "normal" to get frequent breakouts of this nature. They are deep, red, and painful...."face cysts" I guess you could call them....all over my face, chest, neck, and back. There is no schedule to the breakouts....teenagers often break out close to their periods but in women with PCOS there is no rhyme or reason for these breakouts. They are the single most outward sign I have that there is something wrong with me.

I have always been a little overweight. I thought it made me look like a "real" woman instead of those girls out there that are tiny and all that. Come to find out the reason all my weight is all around my middle might not just be my genes. Even when I eat right and exercise I am still always just a little bit big around my middle. My husband is ok with it, and until I started reading about the effects of PCOS I was ok with it too. Now I am worried that if I somehow don't get my weight under control I will be in a world of hurt not long from now.

Obviously all these things can cause a girl to become depressed. There are girls out there who are overweight and think themselves somehow less of people because of that. I am depressed. I am sad because I can't have a baby and because when I look in the mirror I have to look away because my face is always broken out and I am fat. I hate that I have done nothing to deserve or even cause these things. My life revolves around just convincing myself to get out of bed in the morning.

The treatments for PCOS vary depending on who you talk to. Basically all I have been on is a very low dose of Metformin everyday, and I was only diagnosed that after three months of clomid not working. From what I have read I prolly should have been on at LEAST this med from the beginning....unfortunately the last doctor I had that I had to fire was a complete moron who didn't even tell me I had PCOS until she found a very large cyst after a few months of Clomid.

Long story short this thing that I have (on top of the endometriosis) affects my life every day. There is no cure, and like endo, no one really knows what triggers the body to have too many hormones that in turn cause it......my prayer is that one day there will be relief for me and the millions of other women out there living with PCOS.

*NOTE*

*just because I wasn't in mind-numbing pain when I was younger does not mean I was not in pain and I would never want anyone reading this to think that I am somehow saying that severe symptoms went unchecked in my childhood. The worst of the pain started sporadically three years ago and got steadily worse to the point this last summer when I was severely sick. Just a quick note to clear up any confusions or misunderstandings*