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Saturday, September 19, 2009

Here is Autumn....and an update

For once I am about to make good on my promise of posting the next day. I will try to tough on everything that has been happening lately, as I know I have been lacking in my updates.

My pain is slowly but surely getting to be constant again. For almost 6 months I have been able to get through the days without much pain, and I can see now that eventually I will be right back where I was before...constantly in pain. Although I know this is coming, I am hopeful that I will be able to continue to go to school and spend time with my family. This is my hope.

I see my sister often, and even as much as it pains me to see her glowing as she does, I am trying my best to be happy and prepare myself to be the best aunt I can be. When I see little trinkets that I would love for my own child I try to get them for hers. I smile when she shows me her ultrasound pictured and complains about morning sickness, and I keep my tears for Dan and I at home. I cry often for my loss that seems to be her gain. She has everything I have ever wanted, and it pains me so. My only comfort is knowing that even though it has not happened yet, I WILL be a mother one way or another, and I hope that the wait will make it all that sweeter.

School is going better than I thought it would. I am doing my best and it is paying off in good grades. I am hoping the constant pain will not come back before I can get through this semester, and I am currently spending lots of time looking at prospective schools to transfer to. My current first choice is a school in Florida that offers a five year Bachelors/Masters program in Biology. There is still much planning to do before I make a decision, but every day brings me closer to getting my degree and doing something with my life. On a side note I would like to say that even though science is what I choose to study the most of...I HATE CHEMISTRY! I spend most of the time in that class wishing that I was sitting in Biology or even Math, because those I am so much better at.

My furry ones are doing well. Sassy follows me wherever I go and I seldom leave without her beside me. She is one of the few constants in my life, and I love her more than I can put into words. God sent her to me to be my baby until he sees fit to bless me with one of my own. Bandit spends most days outside chasing bugs and laying in the sunshine, and at night he sleeps beside us. He is the best cat in the world (although I am sure Sonja would say otherwise hehe) and I love him.

Other than that there is nothing else of interest happening, and although I am busy with school I hope to update more often, but for now I am off to snuggle with the most handsome man in the world and to love the ones dear to me, for they seem to be all I have these days.


autoimmunelife said...

Hey, I can comment again! *ahem* anyway.......

Wow... I'm impressed... I'm not very good at keeping the posting promises either... :( Good job!!

I'm sorry about the constant pain thing... mine is up to between 2 and 3 weeks a month again... :( The miscarriage seems to have sped things up, though it could be a coincidence. :( I'm sorry you are having more issues again!! :( :(

I'm glad to hear you are doing a bit better with your sister... I'm so sorry it's been so hard on you! :( ((hugs)) I'd take the pain away for you if I could! I think you are handling it well, you need the release of crying when you are with Dan, but you are also giving her the happiness and support she (I assume) wants and needs. ((hugs)) I'm not sure that your loss is her gain in any way... I think it's just the way things go. :( Yes, you will be a mom and not only that, but you will be an awesome one! :) And I strongly believe for you (and me, and the rest of us having to deal with infertility) that the wait will make it even sweeter to be a mom!

I am glad school is going well, and hope that the constant pain will not interfere with your ability to do well! Chem sucks, and bio is awesome... so I feel for you there... though I hate math also... so I can't say I wish for math classes over chem.... >.>

Awww about Sassy, and it sounds like Bandit is having a blast! However, I must also disagree with you.... Bandit isn't the best kitty in the world... M is! I'm glad you have such great furbabies!

Sonja said...

First of all girls, Alex is the best ;-)

We just have the ultimate trifecta of kitty ones!

I wish I could make the pain go away :'(

You are so awesome trying to be happy for your sister, but don't pull a Sonja and smush all your feelings; do let them out! I'm here for you!!

And you WILL be a great mommy someday!! (You already are to the furry ones!)

I'm sooooo proud (and kinda jealous) of you going back to school! :D

autoimmunelife said...

Sonja has an excellent point.... we do have the ultimate trifecta!!

Well, she's right on more than just that... PLEASE don't pull a Sonja with your feelings! ((hugs)) Crying when you are with Dan, and dealing with the emotions are both excellent things to do. There is a time and place where letting emotions out isn't necessarily the best (says the one with no emotional control whatsoever lol!) but you do still need to feel them and let them out so you can deal with them. Bottling them up is NEVER a good thing!! Especially long term!!

Sonja said...

You have a blog award:

Sonja said...

I gave you another award!

foxywaitingroom said...

Just for the record, I have the most handsome man in the world! LOL

Keep your chin up, kiddo. As well, you've been diagnosed and are getting help for your multiple conditions!

How are you getting on with the anti-depressants? I just loved being on Prozac for nearly a year. At first, I was like, "how totally embarassing!" and in the end I was delighted to wake up every morning! People even ask me why I'm so bloody cheerful. I just say "Well, I woke up this morning..." That's enough for me!

Take care,