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Wednesday, July 20, 2011

New life

I got out.

Of Iowa, I mean.

Dan got a job in Fargo, North Dakota, and we have rented a very cute place exactly 1.6 miles from my BBF Sonja in Minnesota.

lol.  BBF.  Inside joke :)


Anyways, I am 9 hours away from the place that stifled me for all those years, and this is my new life.  My new start.  I may have finally started to find my way over the rainbow.  I am starting a new blog.  A new start.  This is not a goodbye, dear readers, but an invitation to join me on a new journey.  If you would like to come join me on my new blog, please email me at sarajculwell@yahoo.com and I will respond with the new location/web address.  Those with anything less than positive to say, and those who will use my words as an opportunity to judge and be mean are asked to kindly not ask for access.  Everyone else-come join me!!!

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Have you ever put your whole head under the water in the tub?  With just your nose above the water to breath? There is this noise you hear when you do this.  It's like being inside a seashell.  White noise.  I hear this all the time.  It's strongest when I am staring off-losing time.

I have reached the point of depression when the thought of breathing is exhausting.  I stared at myself in the mirror earlier for long enough that my features blended together.

I am lost.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Let's take things point by point

The following was left as a comment from my mother on a recent post "sisters and other strangers."  At the risk of sounding like I am dwelling on it-I feel like I need to address the things that were said.  This was the comment-and I am going to take it line by line and set things right.

From my mother-
I just read this blog and must say that I am saddened and surprised by all that I have read. First of all, Sara yes you were scheduled to have your surgery on the date that your nephew was due. I suggested many times that you insist on moving the date of your surgery forward or back in order that it not coinside with the birth of your nephew. I felt that it would be very painful and a change of dates would make things easier for you. You insisted that they continue with the scheduled date in order to not delay and that was the same date that your sister was scheduled for an inducement. If you will remember, I left the c.r. hospital long before your sister gave birth in order to be with you during your ordeal. I was there before they even put you under and started the surgery and I was there when you came to. I stayed there with Dan trying to be supportive during the entire time. When you came out of surgery, noone said that you had a nephew, BEFORE you asked about your sister. Yes, Sara, you asked us if you had a neice or nephew.
I spoke with "N", just moments ago concerning this blog of yours and simply asked her about the fact that she was being used to represent a certain lifestyle. She said that she is not a member of any commiunity, organized group, or LGBT. She also stated that she prefered not to be used as a representation for such things. She lives her life, minds her business and does not appriciate being spoken so openly about on the internet without first being asked.
Noone has ever said Sara you were faking your illness. I myself said that I had only wished that I had taken you more seriously during your teen years and perhaps it would not have gotton so out of control. However, this illness started showing signs of being a real problem while you were married to your first husband, and if you will reacall, it was HIM who refused to get you the medical attention you needed. You Dad and I are the ones who insisted on your seeing another doctor, and we are the ones who paid for the visit in order to insure that you were heard. In refernce to your cousin, I remember that during that conversation, all that was said was that even though she was very ill, she worked in order that she might be able to pay for the necessary treatment in order to be well. NOONE ever said that "she went to school, and worked even though she was sick". And noone ever indicated that you were not ill. I am not certain what is to be gained by this misconscrewed information on the internet. I understand that everyone needs an outlet of sorts, but bringing the people who care about you the most and showing them as mean and ugly people who don't care hurts me greatly. There is noone is this ENTIRE world who was more broken and saddened by the fact that you will never bear children, than your Mother and Father. Please out of respect for us stop badgering your siblings, who by the way, love you every bit as much and remember the times when we have all been there over and over again to try and help you in anyway we could. Please stop the constant demeaning of my family and all those whom I care about.
We are sad that you are miserable. There is no pleasure in that knowlege for any of us. We have tried to reach out to you and be as supportive as possible. I honestly thought that this was all behind us, but then I came across this blog and was disapointed to discover that for whatever reason, you are still angry and bitter for the things that life has thrown at you. I was saddened to find that you are claiming to be agnostic. As far as your being liberal, in all honesty, you KNOW that we have alway's said we admire the fact that you think independently, and raised you to think for yourself. Having an opinion is a wonderful thing, and not necessaraly bad if it is different than what others think. But to take those thoughts and use them in a hurtful manner is doing just that, hurting others and unnecessary. It would my hope that you would direct your anger and frustration over this illness in another direction than your family, and that everyone might know that none of us are the bad guy's. We are simply the family that loves you, that wants what's best for you, and can do nothing to change your circumstances but would do anything to make it better for you. Do not dispise your sister because she has something that you do not. I have alway's said that your day is coming and your blessings await. Things that are personal are personal. They are not stupid people and they are not fooled by the use of initials being used as examples. Everyone in this family and their friends know our initials and which people you are speaking of. Please lets put a stop to this now before more feelings get hurt. Hurting those of us who care about you is not going to help the circumstances. We only love you and want what's best for you. I was so proud of the progress that you had made in dealing with things this past year. But this entire thing saddens me beyond belief, and it would be my hope that you find it in your heart to stop.





So here we go.  My response to you, dear mother of mine.  I know you will read this and I hope you take it to heart.




I just read this blog and must say that I am saddened and surprised by all that I have read. First of all, Sara yes you were scheduled to have your surgery on the date that your nephew was due. I suggested many times that you insist on moving the date of your surgery forward or back in order that it not coinside with the birth of your nephew. I felt that it would be very painful and a change of dates would make things easier for you. You insisted that they continue with the scheduled date in order to not delay and that was the same date that your sister was scheduled for an inducement. If you will remember, I left the c.r. hospital long before your sister gave birth in order to be with you during your ordeal. I was there before they even put you under and started the surgery and I was there when you came to. I stayed there with Dan trying to be supportive during the entire time. When you came out of surgery, noone said that you had a nephew, BEFORE you asked about your sister. Yes, Sara, you asked us if you had a neice or nephew.


You are saddened and surprised?  Why?  Nothing that has been written here is anything that I have not said to you or my sisters in person.  The fact that you think this is all brand new information just shows that you weren't ever listening when I talked about it.


Yes, I was scheduled on the due date.  And yes, I asked about moving the date, and I couldn't wait the month and a half that I would have had to wait if I had rescheduled.  Yes, it was very painful, but a change in the date was not an option, because I had already waited literally YEARS for a fix.  There was no moving it.  I don't blame Maggie for having the baby the same day-no one could have planned that.  I do remember that you were there with me.  I also remember sitting in the room waiting for surgery while you dictated the texts you were getting from CR about how the delivery was going.  I did ask if I had a niece or a nephew.  Just because I wanted to know if my sister was alright-that doesn't mean that I needed a play-by-play along with pictures on cell phones and details.  If you will remember-I was a little bit DRUGGED and perhaps those people in the room that were thinking clearly should have been a little more on top of watching what they said-whether or not the person on MORPHINE was asking for them to talk or not.


My hysterectomy was not an "ordeal."  It was a life-changing, mood-altering CHOICE that I regret most days.  It changed my life and my marriage and my faith and my outlook and my future.  It changed WHO I am.  To call it an "ordeal" is truly putting it lower than it deserves.  You wanted to be there for me during my "ordeal?"  Guess what, mother-it's still going on.  This "ordeal" will never be over.  And I am sorry-but being there for the physical event does not make up for the fact that you were not there for the psychological ramifications that I deal with still-and will deal with for the rest of my life.  It's like going to a funeral and then never calling the widow.  The fact is, you aren't there.  You weren't there.


Also, "noone" is not a word.  Neither is "neice."




I spoke with "N", just moments ago concerning this blog of yours and simply asked her about the fact that she was being used to represent a certain lifestyle. She said that she is not a member of any commiunity, organized group, or LGBT. She also stated that she prefered not to be used as a representation for such things. She lives her life, minds her business and does not appriciate being spoken so openly about on the internet without first being asked.


As far as Nancy goes-what on this green earth thinks that she would tell you she is proud to be who she is?  All she has ever heard from any of you is how wrong and immoral it is.  The fact is that she IS a member of that community.  When SHE asked me to stop referring to her as a member of it, then I will.  Until then, I will continue to support gay rights.  Even if my sister loved a man instead of a woman I would STILL support the cause, because unlike you, I believe that we are all equal and there are no "second class citizens" 


Noone has ever said Sara you were faking your illness. I myself said that I had only wished that I had taken you more seriously during your teen years and perhaps it would not have gotton so out of control. However, this illness started showing signs of being a real problem while you were married to your first husband, and if you will reacall, it was HIM who refused to get you the medical attention you needed. You Dad and I are the ones who insisted on your seeing another doctor, and we are the ones who paid for the visit in order to insure that you were heard. In refernce to your cousin, I remember that during that conversation, all that was said was that even though she was very ill, she worked in order that she might be able to pay for the necessary treatment in order to be well. NOONE ever said that "she went to school, and worked even though she was sick". And noone ever indicated that you were not ill. I am not certain what is to be gained by this misconscrewed information on the internet. I understand that everyone needs an outlet of sorts, but bringing the people who care about you the most and showing them as mean and ugly people who don't care hurts me greatly. There is noone is this ENTIRE world who was more broken and saddened by the fact that you will never bear children, than your Mother and Father. Please out of respect for us stop badgering your siblings, who by the way, love you every bit as much and remember the times when we have all been there over and over again to try and help you in anyway we could. 


Yes, Mother, Maggie did in fact, on more than one occasion, say that I was faking. In fact, you, on at least one occasion, told me that I was being a baby about it.  How nice for you to be able to blame my ex-husband.  You are so right, he wouldn't get me the care I needed, but that doesn't change the fact that when I was a CHILD and depended on YOU and told you there was something wrong YOU did nothing to help me.  Saying now that you wished you had listened is all well and good-doesn't that make you the perfect martyr of the situation.  And yes, you and Daddy paid for ONE visit to your doctor, where I was NOT heard, but only given more pain medication.


As far as my cousin-you are not remembering the conversation correctly.  I am not going to argue that-I know what was said.  But to say that she "worked even though she was ill to pay for the care she needed" is nothing more than a slap in the face to me and every other woman with this disease who is unable to work.  How dare you imply that if we were to go to work we could get the care we need?!  You have no right, and the fact that you would even say something so heartless and cold makes me ashamed to call you my mother.


As far as bringing the people who care about me most and showing them as ugly and mean?  I have shown you as you are.  I, in fact, have been BEYOND nice in the things I have said about you.  Your comments have done nothing except show people that I have painted you prettier than you actually are.  I have said nothing that isn't true.  If anything I have been less than honest about how things actually are-because I know you guys read this.  Rest assured-I no longer care what people think of you.  You made this bed.  You can lie in it.


Oh yeah, and no one hurts worse than you and Daddy that I can't have children?  You say this often, and you forget one thing.  ME.  I HURT WORSE THAN YOU.  Remember me, the one actually going through it?  The one who actually lost something?  Or how about my husband?  Remember him?  To say that no one hurts worse than you shows how selfish and ignorant you are.  How very sad.


I am not badgering my siblings.  If I was emailing them and calling them and yelling at them every day then you could say that I was, but I am not.  Seems to me that the ones "badgering" are you and Maggie.  YOU are the one who came to this blog and started badgering ME.  


You have not helped me in any way you could.  You COULD have, just once, acknowledged the fact that I lost something.  You could have supported me.  You could have NOT ripped into me and my friends for feelings that you know NOTHING about. 



Please stop the constant demeaning of my family and all those whom I care about.
We are sad that you are miserable. There is no pleasure in that knowlege for any of us. We have tried to reach out to you and be as supportive as possible. I honestly thought that this was all behind us, but then I came across this blog and was disapointed to discover that for whatever reason, you are still angry and bitter for the things that life has thrown at you. I was saddened to find that you are claiming to be agnostic. As far as your being liberal, in all honesty, you KNOW that we have alway's said we admire the fact that you think independently, and raised you to think for yourself. Having an opinion is a wonderful thing, and not necessaraly bad if it is different than what others think. But to take those thoughts and use them in a hurtful manner is doing just that, hurting others and unnecessary. It would my hope that you would direct your anger and frustration over this illness in another direction than your family, and that everyone might know that none of us are the bad guy's. We are simply the family that loves you, that wants what's best for you, and can do nothing to change your circumstances but would do anything to make it better for you. Do not dispise your sister because she has something that you do not. I have alway's said that your day is coming and your blessings await. Things that are personal are personal. They are not stupid people and they are not fooled by the use of initials being used as examples. Everyone in this family and their friends know our initials and which people you are speaking of. Please lets put a stop to this now before more feelings get hurt. Hurting those of us who care about you is not going to help the circumstances. We only love you and want what's best for you. I was so proud of the progress that you had made in dealing with things this past year. But this entire thing saddens me beyond belief, and it would be my hope that you find it in your heart to stop.


I have never once demeaned your family.  I have only told the truth about MY family, and how I am treated in it. If you find no pleasure in the fact that I am miserable, then please stop contributing to my misery.

DUH I am angry and bitter.  YOU HAVE NO IDEA.  You all walk around acting like I should just be over it.  I will NEVER be over it-all I can hope for is to one day be able to deal with it.

To say that you are saddened to find that I am agnostic like you didn't already know, again, shows that you never listen when I talk.  I have not believed in God for a long time now.  And to tell you the truth, even if I did, I would not want to be associated with you and your so-called "Christian" values that allow you to judge that which you do not understand.  You wonder why people think that Christians like you and Maggie are hypocrites?  Read the things you wrote to me-they are a perfect example of "Gods love."

I do not despise my sister for having something I can't have.  I despise that I can't have it.  None of you have ever understood that.  None of you have ever tried.

There will not be a stop to this.  I will deal with this forever, and I will deal with it the ways that work.  I will be honest, and I will continue to write.  I am sorry that you don't get it-and even more sorry that I have had to apologize for your behavior.

If your feelings are hurt by the truth about yourself, perhaps you should change that truth.

Friday, February 11, 2011

Alcohol

I am drinking tonight.  Till I can't feel the pain.  Slightly drunk-I still feel it.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Award!


I got an award!



The rules:

Thank and link back to who gave you the award.
Share seven things about yourself.
Award up to 15 bloggers, and let them know about the award.


So first, thank you Sonja!  I love you girl I would be lost without you!


Seven things about me-

1-My fingernails and toenails are always painted.  I have over 200 polishes.  My fingernails are a different color every single day, but my toes are always some shade of pink.  It's kinda my thing.
2-I blog about my nails and other beauty stuff here.
3-My hair is longer right now then it has been in years.  It is driving me insane-its all over the place and I have to constantly brush it to keep it tangle-free.
4-Monday is Valentines Day, which is also my three year wedding anniversary to the best guy ever!
5-I fully support LGBT issues...and not just because of my sister who is a member of that wonderful community.
6-I am the only liberal in my immediate family.  I am also the only agnostic.
7-I have 8 tattoos and 11 piercings.  And I want more.


Bloggers to award-


Thanks again for the award, Sonja, and to the rest of you, Congrats!

Sisters and Other Strangers

The past few days, since I had a fight with my sister over this blog, I have been thinking more and more about what it means to be the sibling who is sick.  My friend Sonja and I have talked about it-she has two brothers who will probably one day start a family of their own.  Watching siblings starting their own families can be torture on the infertile/barren/sick.

The first thing that I heard after I woke up from my hysterectomy was that my sister had given birth to a boy.  I had been saying for months that I just knew she was going to go into labor while I was in surgery, and everyone kept saying that I was being stupid.  Bigger than life-before I walked back to the delivery room, my mother got a text saying it would be soon.  When I woke up, broken and gutted-I asked my husband if everything was ok.  He said yes.  I asked about my sister.  He said "we have a nephew."

When my parents got back to see me (after driving 45 minutes to see her), the very first thing that was said was "do you want to see a picture of your nephew?"

Not really, mother, but ok, I will pretend to be happy at this moment.


Don't get me wrong, eventually I was happy, but mostly I just wanted to feel my own loss for just a few moments.

My siblings will have families.  I hope for nothing more than for M's children to grow happy and healthy, and I hope nothing more than for N to one day be able to legally marry a woman she loves and start a family of her own.  That all being said, I will still always be the sick one.  I will always be the one trying desperately to get them to understand-and always failing.

Once, after another large fight with M, I actually convinced her and my mother to sit down and talk about Endometriosis, PCOS, and Adenomyosis.  I brought all my books and research and journals and all kinds of things.  A whole bag full of information that I had been trying to share with them for months-and now I was finally going to get to.  M proceeded to tell me that (another M), our cousin, who also has endo, was able to get through school and work full time-therefore I must be faking or something.  She would not even try to hear me when I told her that this disease effects every single woman differently.  She refused to listen-refused to see things for what they were-and left in a huff.  My mother kept the books and info and read them, and for that I am thankful.  There were things that she didn't know-and at least she made an effort.

Then after this, when we had a family event in ND, we stopped in Fargo for the night, which was uber cool, because it meant that I was going to get to finally meet one of my best friends, Sonja.  My mother and M were sharing the room with me, and expressed interest in meeting her to.  Sonja and I went up to the room, and M said, and I quote, the following to her...

"I just want to say thank you so much for being there for Sara because I know how much she needs it and I know how much it helps her to have you there for her."


Um.

What?

M's big thing is that my online friends and blog friends who have endo all feed me.  I feed them.  We "feed off each other."  She says this often.  But when she is actually faced with another human being who suffers like I do?  Oh well then its all "I understand" and "thanks for the support."

Hypocrisy.

The whole thing is-I can't change it.  I can't make her see me for who I am, and I can't make her grow up.  But I can try.  I can try to get her to see who I am and what I am-and I suppose if she never gets it, then thats her loss.  Because lets face it-I am pretty damn cool.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Yet Another one

If I have to read one more pregnancy announcement of Facebook I am going to scream.  I don't care that people post about their happy news-but could they not WARN me ahead of time that they are going to be posting stuff?  Just now I was checking friends profiles and a very good friend of mine who has always been there for me and actually ASKED about endo and stuff is pregnant.

I don't care that she talks about it on facebook-but I feel like if it were me, I would tell people one-on-one-especially if I am telling people who I know will never be able to be as blessed as I am.

So congrats.

And thanks for the warning.

PS-
Hi dear sister...please get a life.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

To be censored or to be honest....

My sister reads this blog.  She never comments or asks me about what I write about until something upsets her.  She is angry with me right now for my last post-where I talked about finding out that she is pregnant again.  Lost story short, I was told to stop writing about her.  I told her I would take the post down-but the more I think about it, the more sure I am that I am not going to be censored in order for those around me to feel better about themselves.

She pretty much told me that if this is the way I am going to be, then I can just be fine with not ever seeing my nephew or the other little one on the way.  Obviously I am not ok with that-I love my nephew and I will love the next one.  I tried to explain to her that I write about my life to deal with it, and if I really didn't care about her as she claims, then the things that happen between us wouldn't bother me.  I haven't heard back from her yet-she won't listen to me any other way, so I suppose this is my way of telling her-and the rest of my family who reads this and never mentions it till something is written they aren't happy with-this.

I will not be censored.  I write this blog to deal with the problems and issues in my life.  I write it to reach out to other people with the same problems and issues.  I write it to make friends-the kind of friends who ask me more often how I am doing than all of you put together.  I write it to HELP people.  I have had more than one person tell me that by reading this blog they are a better person-better prepared to face what is in front of them because they know that I am somehow getting through it.

I write about my life-and all of you are in my life.  Things that are said and things that happen between all of us affect my healing process-and if you were to be a little more open to hearing about things face to face-then perhaps I wouldn't have to write so in-depth about my life.  If you don't want the things that you do, say, think, feel, share with me to be shared here-THEN DON'T SHARE AT ALL.

This is my outlet-how I deal with things.  I come here and reach out to people when I feel like I have nowhere else to turn.  The women here don't tell me to deal with it or fight it or move on-they understand.  I don't get that anywhere else in my life-therefore I will not be changing what I write about or the way I write about it.

I don't use your names on here out of respect.  You asked me not to-therefore I don't.  But that is as far as I will go.  If you can't understand that then you no longer have to reach out and be a part of my life.  That would kill me inside, because I love each and every one of you-but I have to heal in the only ways that I know how.  And this works.  Writing about it works.  If I am given an ultimatum-to stop contact with you or to stop writing-know now that it will be an easy choice and you will not win.

And just so you know, I am writing a book.  It probably won't ever really be done and even if it is it may never see the light of day.  You are all in it.  I have changed your names but I have not changed events or facts.  I am writing it to deal-the same reason that I write this blog.

The fact is that I am sick.  I will always be sick.  I will always deal with that.  If you can't deal with that-then you know where the door is.

I will not be censored.

I will be honest.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Again it never ends

My sister is pregnant again.  I found out when I went to spend the day with her, my mother, and my nephew, and we had to make a "quick stop at the doctors" for my sis.  While she was back in the office and I was trying not to cry while watching my nephew make faces at me, my mom started the conversation that went something like this....

Mom-Do you know why she is here?

Me-I dunno med check or something?

Mom-She's going off her meds

Me-Good for her.

Mom-Do you know why she's going off her meds?

Me-Well I would imagine that shes better enough now that she doesn't need them or something like that.

Mom-Remember when she said they were going to try again?

Me-Yeah, I guess she can't try while on BC and anti-depressants.

Mom-She's pregnant.

Me-Are you kidding?

Mom-No, are you ok?

Me-No.

She's due in August.  I haven't seen her since.  Not on purpose I guess, just haven't had a reason to reach out and see her.  I don't need to go through it again.  Last time she was pregnant there was still a very small chance that I could get pregnant too.  There was still that glimmer of hope.  This time, there is no possibly way.  And I can't watch her go through another pregnancy knowing that it will never be me.

I am going back into therapy.  I never meant to really stop before, it was an insurance thing that I couldn't help.  Anyway we are poor enough now that there is funding for me to talk out the crazy.  I am very slowly losing my mind.  Maybe when I finally get there I will be able to forget.  It never ends.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

When I was young my mother used to tell me that she hoped I had a child "just like you!"

Apparently I was a handful or something.

Then I would say to her that it didn't matter because I was never going to have any kids.  I didn't want them.

I would kill for a little girl just like me.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Long Time, New Blog, New year coming soon

I have been bad about writing.  I have been spending so much time with school and my new beauty blog and everything that I feel like I have ignored you all, and for that, I am truly sorry.

I promise to get something written up over the next day or two to let all of you know how things have been going with my health, my marriage, and all that other overly interesting stuff that you all tune in to read about.  In the mean time, check out my other blog....its my way of holding on to my womanhood AND sharing my love a beauty products with the world!

Studio Sara Jean 

Talk to you all soon!!!!

ps---how are all of you?

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

I miss you....

Eugene Alvin Hilbers
May 17th, 1932-July 30th, 2010

Rest in Peace Grandpa.

Thank you to my friends who have shown their support during this time, especially Sonja, who listened to me bitch and cry and talk in circles every night for a week while I dealt with family......

I will return to blogging as soon as I feel up to it.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

A jabbering post....

Ok I lied.  I didn't write the next day.  I am not purposely keeping anything from any one or something like that, its just that not only does my internet not work right (a problem that WILL be remedied tomorrow by the cable guy, lest I shoot him), I am being hot all the time and I can't seen to make myself think in a way that would make any sense were I to type it out.

I read the last real post I wrote, and there isn't much new to say.  I went to my gyno a few weeks ago and she is insisting that I do not need estrogen and won't even try me out on it until my migraines are under control and treated by someone other than her.  Great.  Bring on the three weeks of waiting for an appointment and the four visits to the ER since she put me on the evil Norethindrone thinking that it was going to help the hot flashes and mood swings.  News flash...it doesn't.  All this med does is give me more frequent and stronger migraines, but all I can do is wait for August 4th when I see someone else about actually getting on the Imitrex injectable I was on before.

Menopause still sucks big time.  Like UBER big time.  I am moody and irritable and I am running at about 1,000,000.1 degrees at all times.  And of course our A/C is broken (never really worked).  Its so humid in our apartment that there is literally water on the floor of the kitchen and bathroom.  The kitties lick it up.

Did I say kitties?  Plural kitties?

Thats right followers....there is a new member of my family!  Her name is Rogue, and I have spent an hour trying to upload her picture on here but like I said, I am paying for internet that doesn't actually work, so maybe tomorrow after "sometime between 5 and 7" we will be able to meet this sweet girl of mine!

I have been really trying lately to hold on to my girlishness.  I put on my favorite Hard Candy lipgloss and my nail polish and whatever large gaudy ring I feel like wearing that day (THIS is a fine example of my taste in jewelry lol) and I go about my day.  I suppose it helps...the whole looking good thing.  If nothing else it gives me something to do for awhile in the mornings before it gets too hot.

Everyone should head over to the online auction going on know to benefit and Endo Sister named Amber who is needing a hyst and due to health issues cannot get insurance.  Its a great cause, and I donated one of my paintings to be auctioned off.  My only bid so far is from my friend Sonja, who also donated this wonderful blanket.  So head on over there and make a bid on these and the other cool things to raise money for an awesome cause!

Thats all for now folks...time for my 4th shower since I have been awake...love those cold few minutes every day!

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Back Online and Back to Blogging

Ok, so its been awhile.

Too long.

I have been without internet, and without the will to really write at all.  Even my journal is slightly empty considering life is still life, which means it pretty much always has something to write about.

Either way, I am here again.

Perhaps tomorrow all you beautiful people will get another few lines put together by yours truly.

Till then I am off to dream.

Friday, May 21, 2010

IComLeavWe May 2010

I could say where has May gone, but this is the first month I will be doing this!

Ok, so this marks my return to blogging after a little break because of my marriage hitting a rough patch.

I have tons I want to say, so I will prolly just write something up later after I am done with the million things I have to do today, in the meantime, check things out, and I will get some of my "good" posts up so you can get a better intro to ME!


UPDATE!

Ok, I know I said I was going to update later yesterday, but instead I am updating today, and I also have to catch up on my commenting and what-not, because I spent all day yesterday cleaning and running.

Yes, I run now.  No big deal.

At the risk of killing my typing ability before I get to comment on everyone elses bloggies, I have compiled some posts that pretty much tell the whole story.....

My What If
Basically my what if about what if I wasn't all broken and barren and what-not inside.

To Stop Trying
Basically the point that everyone on the TTC journey reaches one point or another, mine was reached with my hyst a couple months ago

Mothers Day Letter
a letter I wrote to the birth mother of my one-day child...I can't even really read it without getting all teary :(

Other than those, lets see.....

Dan and I are good.
I still love my Sassy and Bandit more than the world.
oh yeah...
and I run now.


No big deal!

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Break

As much as I love my blog and my readers and writing, I think I am going to have to take a break from writing for awhile.

I will explain more later, and please no one be surprised if I can't stand it and I have to write something before I am actually ready to and it comes out as some jumbo that doesn't really make any sense at the time.

Like that last sentence.

Wish me luck.

I have to go try to save a marriage.

Done

I have left Dan.  We are separated.  I won't get into it here but I will say this.

I may be a bitch.

I may be overemotional and crazy right now.

I may not be processing my loss as well as I should.

I may deserve to be yelled at sometimes.



But I WILL NOT be disrespected in a physical manner, no matter now little it may seem.

I am BETTER than that.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Saturday Songs #2

"The River"
Written by Garth Brooks and Victoria Shaw
Album-"Ropin' The Wind" and "Double Live"

You know a dream is like a river
Ever changin' as it flows
And a dreamer's just a vessel
That must follow where it goes
Trying to learn from what's behind you
And never knowing what's in store
Makes each day a constant battle
Just to stay between the shores...and

I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry

Too many times we stand aside
And let the waters slip away
'Til what we put off 'til tomorrow
Has now become today
So don't you sit upon the shoreline
And say you're satisfied
Choose to chance the rapids
And dare to dance the tide...yes

I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry

There's bound to be rough waters
And I know I'll take some falls
But with the good Lord as my captain
I can make it through them all...yes

I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry

Yes, I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
'Til the river runs dry

So there is a video for me to post, but I am writing this from Dans parents house and they have a limit on the internet that can be used per day...those of you who have been following me for more that awhile know this from when I was living here with them.  Stupidz Internetz!

Anyway, this song has always been one of my favorites.  So has Garth Brooks.  His songwriting is just PHENOMENAL, I can't think of one song of his that I don't just really appreciate, if not love.  So here is my take on this one....

The whole "dream is like a river ever changing as it flows" really rings true, doesn't it?  This dream for me to be a mother has changed.  LOTS.  You know when I was a kid I used to tell my mother that I never really wanted children.  Mostly I think I told her that because she used to say to me all the time that she hoped I have a child "JUST LIKE YOU!"
(Let it be known that I think I am pretty alright and would love a kid like me...bring on the challenge!)
Anyway, I got off....

So I never wanted kids, then I kinda wanted kids only not with my ex-husband, and then I really wanted kids, and now I can't have kids.  Still want them.  But my river took another path.  A really rocky, downhill, white water, off limits to those rafters with any sanity path, but still, another path.

"Never knowing whats in store."  Who ever really knows whats in store?  I know that I, for one, have no idea whatsoever.  I don't know if we will adopt from foster care or adopt an infant or just be foster parents the rest of our lives.  At this point I don't even know if I have the energy to have kids at all, ever.  The choice to remain child-free has crossed my mind more than once these days, and it is an option I am exploring, if not yet actually talking it over with Dan yet.

"Each day a constant battle just to stay between the shore."  No shit.  Every single day I am fighting to stay between the shores of this dream.  Every single day I wonder what is going to happen next.  Every single day I think about where I am going and where I have been.  This line rings SO true.

So I don't know where this river is taking me, but I know that I am going to fight like hell to stay between the shores of it, and fight even harder to get to the end of it; where it meets this other river that I will have to navigate.  That river is called parenthood.



There's bound to be rough waters
And I know I'll take some falls
But with the good Lord as my captain
I can make it through them all.
~Garth Brooks



ps-The "Double Live" CD is AMAZING!

Weekend Update, With Sara The Infertile...

This week when Sara asked Dan what she was supposed to eat at his sisters birthday party at the steakhouse, with her being a vegetarian, he came back with the best answer ever.

"They have fish!"

(ensue laughing)


Sara plans on seeing her mother today to pick something up. She hasn't seen her in over a month due to a falling out over her very hard choice of getting a hysterectomy, among other things.

Like lying.

(never lie to your children, especially one week after the hardest choice ever.  Now you can laugh, cause after all, what else are we gonna do?)



And to leave you all with nightmares for the rest of eternity, I give you the bug I found on my foot the other night.  I give you....SATAN.


Meet SATAN, a, evil-hate filled creation of the bug world sent here simply to cause Sara many nights of wondering how on earth something so evil could have ever made it to the perfectness that is her pink-manicured foot.  He enjoys stealing souls, giving nightmares, and the occasional deal of eternity in hellfire traded for various useless items such as concert tickets or even more blog followers!  (don't worry folks, I turned him down.  I prefer to increase readership by the sheer talent that is me!)  To contact SATAN,  Please contact Bandit....

as he ate this particular form of SATAN with great zeal.  And then threw him up all over Sara's floor.  Poor kitteh.  Please remember, dear kittehs of the world...eating SATAN is eating EVIL.


That is all.  Stay tuned for a "Saturday Songs" post later.



(All artistic renderings of SATAN and his evil doings are drawn and copyrighted by ME.  Please contact me for any contract work needed for you next event where a picture of SATAN is needed.  What better for your evil-themed birthday party than a life-sized portrait of the evil one himself?)

HA!

Love you all!



Even if there is nothing to laugh about, laugh on credit.  ~Author Unknown

Friday, April 30, 2010

Friday Follow #2 AKA 100th post!

For this weeks Friday Follow I would love it if everyone headed over "Hannah Wept, Sarah Laughed".
The woman who write this blog is just amazing. For her What IF project she did the most powerful video I have ever seen on the subject of infertility. The thing about her video that got to me the most was her asking "what if my story helps millions?"

That is why I write this blog.

To help. To reach out and connect with others going through the same things or even people who are just curious and want to learn more about it.

Long story short, Keiko is going to be around for awhile, and I would like to thank you for all the wonderful work she is doing.  The blogging world, and the world in general, would be a more hollow place without her.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

To "Stop Trying"

I have been thinking lots about all the ways that Dan and I tried to have a child.  All the ways and times we tried to conceive our child biologically.  Then came the hyst.  Yes, I asked for it, and yes, we both looked forward to it.  But I have just recently begun to see it for another thing that it was.  It was not just a radical treatment for the Endometriosis, it was not just another diagnosis, the Adenomyosis.  In a way it was the point that ever couple on this journey must somehow reach.  It was our decision to stop.  To stop trying.  To end fertility treatments.  To officially look for another way.

I am by no means saying that we tried everything we could have.  Money and pain were the biggest things stopping us from continuing the journey.  If I hadn't been in so much pain all the time, we would have saved the money and tried an IVF cycle or another IUI or SOMETHING.  But I couldn't do anymore.  WE couldn't do it anymore.  I was literally living on Percocet, while on the couch feeling sorry for myself.  There just was nothing else to do.

I know there are women out there that have tried these treatments numerous times without results.  I am by no means saying that my choice was any harder or easier than theirs.  It was just different.  It came to us in a different way, in a different form.  The mindset that all of us infertile people are the same is something that has been explored before on other blogs, and I must say that lumping us all together into one big basket with the black I pasted on the side is just as unfair as looking at a group of people with AIDS or cancer and saying that they are all the same, and have been on the same journey, and reach their choices the same way.  We are all unique, and we are all on relatively the same journey, but we are individuals.  One of the things that we all have in common though is that every couple, no matter if the end comes with a child or a choice to stop, has to reach that point of "enough is enough."  Every couple has to stop at some point.  Sometimes it is chosen by the couple, in a situation where they feel they have tried everything they can do.  And sometimes it comes in the form of a medical condition, like with us, where I needed the hysterectomy to survive.

I am not saying that keeping my uterus and ovaries would have literally killed me.  I could have lived with them still inside me.  I could have continued to breathe while sitting on that couch or lying in bed for the rest of my life; but how would that have been any different from someone leaving me in a coma with no function for the rest of my life?  I see it the same.  So I had to have it.  I had to lose those things to find me again.  But it was also our choice to stop trying.  It was also that point that everyone on this journey eventually reaches...that point when they are done.

It's an odd feeling.  I am no longer TTC.  We are no longer trying.  I no longer have a use for the very expensive ovulation predictor or pregnancy tests or even the big bottle of folic acid (other than the obvious staying healthy on this new journey).

In a way I feel robbed.  I didn't get to sit down with my husband and have that long talk about what to do next.  I did get to sit down with him and talk about how we were going to deal with the loss of my organs, but I didn't really get the choice of "stop and pursue adoption or continue trying."  That important choice was made for me, made by my stupid body that never really worked the way it was supposed to work.

I don't regret the hyst.  Well, I don't regret it right now!  I go through regret times and happy times, and I think thats normal.  I think that if I didn't think about my loss AND think about my gains in equal form right now, this soon after, I would either be crazy or on drugs, and I am pretty sure I am neither.

Mostly I just want to let everyone out there know, in case it isn't obvious.

Dan and I are no longer trying to get pregnant.  We are exploring other options.  I will never be pregnant.


(BIG duh....but I still strangely feel the need to have that moment that others get.  That moment where they share their choice to stop with the world.)



Although we've come to the end of the road, still I can't let you go, it's unnatural, you belong to me, I belong to you .

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

So I was just writing....

Ok, so I know mothers day isn't for a few weeks and I know its crazy, but I was sitting here and just started writing and this is what came out.  Don't ask me why.  Maybe too many mothers day ads on FB or something.   Who knows.  But I am going to save it and send/give it to her one day. 


Dear Mother of my Child,
I don’t know your name.  I don’t know where you are from or how you grew up.  I don’t know your dreams, your thoughts, your religious views, or your political stance.  Maybe one day I will know these things…even shake your hand and look into your eyes.  Maybe you will always be a mystery.  What I do know is that I love you.  I love you for your choice, and I love you for your strength.  You carry inside you something so precious, something so fantastically miraculous, that I was not able to do it.  I am in awe of you.  I am in awe of your body, and your ability to do what I was not able to.  I am in awe of your decision to give the child inside you life…even if that means a life without you.

As I write this you may not even be carrying our baby yet.  You might not even know that you are going to face this choice.  For all I know, as I write this, you are sitting in high school science, or out on a date.  For all I know you have no idea what one day our paths will forever be crossed.  Our hearts will forever be joined in one tiny human being.  Our child.  You, the mother who gave him life, and me, the mother who will raise him.

I can’t promise that I will be the best mother in the world.  I can’t even promise that I will do a better job than you would have done.   What I can promise you is that I will love that child as if I had carried him myself.  I will put him first, and give him everything within my power to make sure that he is successful in his life.  I will teach him to look both ways before crossing the street, but I will also teach him to look both ways before making judgment.  I will love him no matter what he decides to do or who he decides to be.  I will teach him to make the right choices, and then I will support him even if he makes the wrong ones.  I will be an open door and a shoulder to cry on.  I will love him no matter his sexual orientation or political views.  I will never lie to him.  I will never make him feel as though he is not welcome, wanted, and loved.

I will tell him about you.  I will tell him about the incredible bravery of the mother who gave him life.  I will tell him how much you loved him, and love him still.  I will tell him that you didn’t give him up, you only handed him up.  Handed him up to a life you couldn’t give him, but that you knew he deserved.  I will do everything in my power to make sure he never feels as though he has no “real” mother, but that he is doubly blessed, because he has two.  I will do my best to make sure that he wasn’t un-wanted, but all the more loved.  You, my child’s other mother, will always be in our home and in our hearts.  You are a member of this family.  As much as this sweet child is.

And so with this mothers day approaching, the first since disease robbed me of the ability you have, I want to say thank you.  Thank you for the choice you will one day make.  Thank you for loving our child.  Thank you for choosing his life and happiness over your own.  I promise that I will always do the same.  So on this day, the one that will forever be harder on you than this one is to me, I want to say Happy Mothers Day to my child’s other mother.

Wordless Wednesday #2

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

One Month Down

One month down.  One month ago was my hysterectomy.  In some ways it doesn't seem like it has been that long, and in other ways it feels like it has been years.  Either way, this past month of recovery and thinking and stopping myself from going for a run or making love with my husband or doing too much housework has made me think about so many things.  I could list them all here one by one, but honestly I just don't have the energy to get into tall of it right now.  Instead, I will just say I am sorry for not posting lately, my internet has been out; and say that all of my readers mean so much to me...I don't know what I would do without any of you.

I will post more later....

I just don't have the energy right now.

Friday, April 23, 2010

Friday Follow #1

My first Friday Follow is to send all of you lovely people who haven't been there already to check out my friend Sonjas blog.

You know I have been sitting here thinking about it and I am not horribly sure how I actually met her!  I know we talking some in the groups on Facebook about endo, but who knows if that is actually where it started.  Either way, she is now like my very best friend and I don't know what I would do without her.

She is actually the one who started me blogging.  She thought it would be good for me to put my thoughts out there and to maybe even help someone else going through the same thing at the same time.  She really is amazing like that.

Her blog mostly follows her feelings dealing with her hysterectomy.  Well, that and her sweet kitteh girl Alex.  She is the best kitty mommy and the best friend and has one of the best blogs out there...so if you aren't already following...get on over to The Mud and The Lotus for not only a good read about the struggles we go through...but also a laugh here and there.

ps-love ya girlie!



"It is not so much our friends' help that helps us as the confident knowledge that they will help us."
~Epicurus (341 - 270 BC) Greek philosopher

Thursday, April 22, 2010

What If....

I am a different person now because of infertility?

What if the person that I was is gone?  I was a kick-ass, get-it-done, nothing-can-stop-me, take-no-shit, pull-no-punches, pink-wearing, faux-hawk-wearing, pretty all-around awesome chick.  Who I am now?  This person who thought nothing could beat her, is getting beaten.  This thing is beating me down, and it HAS changed me.  There is no "what if" anymore.  It just is.  My "what if" happened.

To just give you a run-down of everything I have given infertility, I think I shall use the cool list feature I just learned how to use.  I give you.....


THE LIST
  • 8 years
  • 87 pregnancy test.  Yes, that is the correct number.  All negative
  • Three surgeries
  • 1 ovulation predictor
  • 27 ovulation test strips
  • 2 marriages
  • My hair-While treating the Endometriosis with Lupron
  • My body-losing and gaining weight due to illness 
  • Countless depressing poems
  • My nails-I chew them when I am stressed
  • 13 doctors
  • $54,000.00 (at last count)
  • Two ovaries
  • One cervix
  • One uterus
I gave these things to infertility.  Just gave em up.  Handed them over gladly in hopes that it would get me a child in return.  It hasn't yet.  Instead I find myself faced with this person that I hardly recognize.  This person who, when faced with choosing biological children over getting out of pain, chose to give up the one thing that I never thought I would be able to give up.  I handed that over too.  I said here, take these things from me, anything you want....just get me out of pain and make me normal again.

But I was wrong.

It didn't make me normal it made me even more different.  It made me this person I am now.  And I am not sure who she is.  In all reality is pisses me off.  It pisses me off that I am different now, that I have somehow lost who I am.  So that is my "what if" now.  What if I am a different person?  A person who has no faith and thinks about living child-free sometimes.  A person who still can't go to the baby aisle in the store, because I still feel like something has been stolen from me.  A person, who despite all the people in her life that tell her differently, still feels as though there was something more she could have done to make her dreams come true.  This might be me.

But what if that is ok?  What if its ok that I never really get over it and I still think about it years later and I still feel like I was robbed?  What if that makes me the kind of person who doesn't take things for granted...a person who sees all the blessings in her life...because the blessings in her pre-hyst life weren't ever really seen?  What if the person I am now is the person I was always meant to be?  A person who sees life...and loves what there is to be loved out of it.  That's more than I had before.  Loving what there is to love.  Before I wasn't able to love anything but the thing I didn't have.

So maybe its not the end of the world after all.  Maybe, just maybe, I will live.  I will be ok.  And maybe I will be a different Sara.  One who still kicks ass...but also sees that there is true suffering in the world.  Because I have been there.  So maybe thats the real reason why.

And maybe its ok.

For more information on infertility.....
www.resolve.org/infertility101
National Infertility Awareness Week....
www.resolve.org/takecharge





Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Oh Hey, I am Not Crazy

So all the problems I have been having with my husband?  All those problems I have been beating myself up about because I thought it all went back to the stupid hyst and lack of hormones and its all my my my my my fault?

It was him

He hasn't taken his anti-depressant in a WEEK.

So apparently I can say things right and I did say some things and I am not imagining his temper and him staring off and everything.  I wouldn't even be so pissed......

Except he didn't tell me.

I had to find this out by looking on the shelf and seeing that his pills were gone.  I had to find this out by Sonja asking me, "is he taking his meds?" because I have spent the last week on the phone/online with her going "omg what do I do I think this hyst is ruining my marriage?"

So turns out its not me.  I should be happy, but I am not.  I am more worried about the fact that he kept something from me, that he lied to me, and that his excuse for doing these things was "I was afraid you would get mad."

Oh yeah, this is much better.  He let me think for over a week that I was losing it.  He let me believe that I was to blame for the cracks in our marriage and that it was my problem to fix, instead of ours. 

I am just in shock.

I don't know what to do at this point, but first thing is first...he is on his meds again TOMORROW.
I guess we will see from there.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Wordless Wednesday #1

This is my Sassy baby at the dog park last week.  We made the mistake of walking to the park instead of driving and then all she did was lie on the concrete while all the other doggies played.  Next time we will drive to that we are actually getting our moneys worth out of the park!



"My little dog - a heartbeat at my feet."
~Edith Wharton

Monday, April 19, 2010

Me...Post Hyst

When I first started this blog my very first post ever was an intro to me.  That was nearly 100 posts and two years ago.  For those of you who have been around since the beginning, you know that I am a different person now.  I mean I am still Sara Jean.  I still prefer to be called Sara by anyone who isn't my husband or very close to me.  I still love pink, and keep my toenails in a constant state of pinkness (assuming I am not having surgery in the next few hours).  I still love my Sassy dog and my Bandit butt, and I would still take in any animal in need as long as I could.  Fundamentally, I am still me.  But I am not.  I am different.  I am a different person, and I have been meaning to explore exactly what that means, and so since I am awake in the middle of the night, yet again, I figured why not now?

For years, with two husbands and countless doctors, my life revolved around getting pregnant.  Time was counted with periods and fertility treatments.  Moods were described in pain levels and not actual moods.  Dreams revolves around that little plus sign on a piece of plastic that would change our lives forever.  Even though I was in pain, I was hopeful, and faithful, and I KNEW that it was going to happen.  I knew that I would get pregnant.

Everyone kept telling me that my time was coming.  I remember calling my mom after a negative test and she kept telling me that my time was coming and I just has to be patient, because she knew that I was going to get pregnant soon.  People would remind me that there was always a chance, always that little percentage of hope that would get me pregnant.  My world was that little number.  My world was that hope.

And now it never will.  It will never happen.  I am never going to get pregnant.  There will be no more pluses or minuses on pieces of plastic, no more temperature taking, no more pills and sperm counts and wondering and worrying.  No more of that.

And no more pain (I hope).

Was it worth it?  I thought I was SO ready for this, but this person the surgery left behind?  This isn't me.  I don't know this barren women whose whole world of hope and faith is just...gone.  What do I look forward to now? School?  Adoption? Vacations?  They somehow just seem....less.  Less than that hope, less than that dream.

So this is me now.  I get up and write and read and go for walks.  Despite my slight depression over everything lately I am very much looking forward to starting the adoption process next month.  I still keep my toes pink...but none of the polish seems as bright anymore.  I still watch what I eat, but not because I might be pregnant.  Thats the real killer.  Before this...there was always that chance...that possibility, that I was carrying a little piece of me.  Never again.

So I will paint, go to school, read, maybe even get another hobby.  Anything to get me over this hump.  Something has to be able to do that.

Right?




"Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else."
~ Judy Garland

Is it hot flashes or heartache?

Last night was ANOTHER one of those nights that I couldn't sleep.

Who knows why.

Is it the hot flashes that I can't seem to stop having?  Or is it the constant heartache about everything?

I wake up in the middle of the night hot, sweating, and crying.

So who knows?

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Reminders

I read a blog today but a wonderful person, SIF, where she talks about a relationship she has witnessed with her "little sister" and that family.  She warns at the beginning of the post that she is taking something that SO isn't about her and making it into something about her.

But the thing is, when you are going through infertility, everything can be connected to it.  Maybe because the world surrounds us with mothers and fathers and happy families that only remind us that those people aren't us.

I know that people probably look at us as selfish, or attention seeking.  Us beautiful, strong, fighting women...who are only fighting for what we were denied when our bodies failed us.  I have been unfortunate enough to live around, and even with sometimes, people who don't seem to understand why everything connects back to this loss, and why we can't "just get over it."

The thing that no one seems to understand with the whole getting over it thing, is that we have had a loss.  A real, true, in your face no going away any time soon loss.  And it is just as real to us as if we had gotten a call from a hospital in the middle of the night that someone we loved had passed.  The diagnosis of "infertile," however it comes and whatever comes with it, is just as life changing and significant as any other loss.  And people need to realize this.

And everything does remind us of it.  Most times its seeing some other family go through some crisis or change or something, and wondering if we will ever get to have that.  Other times its seeing people who see their children as some sort of burden, some sort of annoyance that wants breakfast while they want to sleep in on Saturday mornings.  All these things remind us that the world isn't fair and our bodies don't work the way they are supposed to...that we have been denied those "annoyances" that other people far less deserving have been given.

Everything reminds me that I am barren.  Even if I spend the entire day inside and don't watch any TV or listen to music that you would think would remind a person of children in any way, I am still reminded.  I am reminded when I cook dinner and its just for two people.  I am reminded of it when I look at my husband, and I know that even if we are lucky enough to one day have a family through the miracle of adoption, I will never see his sweet eyes look back at me through my child.  I am reminded of it when I look at my paintings on the wall and even though I didn't mean to put it there, there is always some little piece of my lost somewhere in all those oils.  Hidden, but there just the same.  Because I can't do ANYTHING without that loss being there.  Its there, it is always going to be there...and like it or not, I am going to be reminded of it through little things that catch me off guard for the rest of my life.  One of these days maybe I will wake up and the hyst and my kids and all those things that I really don't want to think about won't be the FIRST thing that I think about.  But its not now.  And even if I get to that day in once piece, which seems such an impossibility right now, I know that there will never be a day that I won't be reminded of my loss...and I have a right to feel it.  I have a right to be pissed.  And anyone who says otherwise can wonder this....lose a child, then come tell me it shouldn't hurt.  My memory is my own, even if its just memories of a child in a dream...and its my own to treasure if I chose.



When someone you love becomes a memory, the memory becomes a treasure.
~Author Unknown

testing commenter thingie

just what that says.  I am testing commenter thingie.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Marriage and Menopause

There is a reason that for years and years people have gotten married at a young age, had babies, and THEN gone through menopause.

Its because a young marriage is not meant to deal with this shit.

Dan and I have been married for a little over two years now, and even though I KNOW I love and and I KNOW he loves me, this thing is breaking us.

We can't talk without fighting. I must look deep in thought all the time because he keeps asking me what I am thinking and when I tell him it never fails that we end up in some sort of argument. Like tonight. I went to bed, it woke him up (which I didn't MEAN to do, but if he would keep the goddamn covers straight I wouldn't have to fix them) and as I was laying there he asked me what I was thinking. Then, of course, like an idiot, I told him. I told him that the events of the past few days have made me wonder if I gave up motherhood period what I gave up biological children.

Bad idea.

Why does he ask if he doesn't want to know? Why push me to share my feelings if you aren't going to be open and actually HEAR them, rather than get on the defensive? Then I made another boo boo. I told him I thought we should go to therapy together.

"Why pay to have a crap on Dan session when we can do that here for free?"

Um.
What?

Is that what I said? Did I say that I wanted to go pay someone to listen to me bitch about you so that they can bitch about you and you can just feel back about yourself?

No.

I asked you to come to therapy with me because we are obviously NOT doing well and the way the losses in my life are going I really can't afford to lose my husband on top of everything else. I asked you to come work this out with me and stand by me and hold my hand while I cry, because believe it or not I know that most of the problem right now stems from this damn surgery and my inability to handle it and I need some help here and God bless you for trying but I just don't think you alone are able to help me the way I need. (this is not word for word obviously I am paraphrasing...but that is basically what I said)

His response?

Snoring.

Thats right folks...the man asked me to share and after making me feel like crap for doing so he just went right back to sleep as I was spilling my stupid guts and bawling like a baby.

So I called him on it.

So long story short I am now awake when I don't want to be cause I can't sleep on the couch and I won't sleep with him and I can't ask him to come sleep out here because then I get to hear about how "you don't even want to share a bed with me why don't you just leave me" for the next three days. And frankly? I don't have the time or the energy to hear it right now.

So I send this question out there into the world tonight. How does a marriage survive something after two years that its not supposed to see for 30?


"For two people in a marriage to live together day after day is unquestionably the one miracle the Vatican has overlooked."
~Bill Cosby

Saturday Songs #1

"The Kill (Bury Me)"
Written by Jared Leto (um, hot much?)
Performed by 30 Seconds to Mars
Album-Beautiful Lie

What if I wanted to break
Laugh it all off in your face
What would you do?

What if I fell to the floor
Couldn't take all this anymore
What would you do, do, do?

Come break me down
Marry me, bury me
I am finished with you

What if I wanted to fight
Beg for the rest of my life
What would you do?

You say you wanted more
What are you waiting for?
I'm not running from you

Come break me down
Marry me, bury me
I am finished with you

Look in my eyes
You're killing me, killing me
All I wanted was you

I tried to be someone else
But nothing seemed to change
I know now, this is who I really am inside

Finally found myself
Fighting for a chance
I know now, this is who I really am

Come break me down
Marry me, bury me
I am finished with you, you, you

Look in my eyes
You're killing me, killing me
All I wanted was you

Come, break me down
Break me down
Break me down

What if I wanted to break?
What if I, what if I, what if I
Bury me, bury me


If you watch the music video to this song without actually understanding or listening to the lyrics, one might be slightly confused. Although I will say that being confused while looking at Jared Leto is better than just being confused in general! Everyone is looking at a copy of themselves. Twins were used for most of the shots, but the members of the band were obviously made double by lots of film-making tricks that I wouldn't begin to be able to tell you about. Either way, the most moving part of the thing for me is when Jared screams at himself "this is who I really am."

In an interview once, he said
"It's really about a relationship with yourself. It's about confronting your fear and confronting the truth about who you are."

This song as always had meaning to me. Whenever I hear it I see myself looking at the pre-hyst/IF/endo/PCOS/adeno me and screaming at her...this is me. This is YOU. There is no escaping it and there is no hiding from it. Get used to it. Bury me in it...still not going away. It sucks and it blows but really, what are you going to do about it?

Then there's the pre/all that crap me looking at me now...screaming...you're killing me. Killing my dreams, killing my kids...killing everything about me I know to be true.

So who is left at the end? Is it her? The Sara who thought anything was possible and still believed in miracles?

Or is it me? The Sara who wants to believe but can't...because this thing inside me killed me. Killed my dreams...killed what I wanted.

Who knows?





"This is who I really am."
~Jared Leto