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Saturday, April 17, 2010

Marriage and Menopause

There is a reason that for years and years people have gotten married at a young age, had babies, and THEN gone through menopause.

Its because a young marriage is not meant to deal with this shit.

Dan and I have been married for a little over two years now, and even though I KNOW I love and and I KNOW he loves me, this thing is breaking us.

We can't talk without fighting. I must look deep in thought all the time because he keeps asking me what I am thinking and when I tell him it never fails that we end up in some sort of argument. Like tonight. I went to bed, it woke him up (which I didn't MEAN to do, but if he would keep the goddamn covers straight I wouldn't have to fix them) and as I was laying there he asked me what I was thinking. Then, of course, like an idiot, I told him. I told him that the events of the past few days have made me wonder if I gave up motherhood period what I gave up biological children.

Bad idea.

Why does he ask if he doesn't want to know? Why push me to share my feelings if you aren't going to be open and actually HEAR them, rather than get on the defensive? Then I made another boo boo. I told him I thought we should go to therapy together.

"Why pay to have a crap on Dan session when we can do that here for free?"


Is that what I said? Did I say that I wanted to go pay someone to listen to me bitch about you so that they can bitch about you and you can just feel back about yourself?


I asked you to come to therapy with me because we are obviously NOT doing well and the way the losses in my life are going I really can't afford to lose my husband on top of everything else. I asked you to come work this out with me and stand by me and hold my hand while I cry, because believe it or not I know that most of the problem right now stems from this damn surgery and my inability to handle it and I need some help here and God bless you for trying but I just don't think you alone are able to help me the way I need. (this is not word for word obviously I am paraphrasing...but that is basically what I said)

His response?


Thats right folks...the man asked me to share and after making me feel like crap for doing so he just went right back to sleep as I was spilling my stupid guts and bawling like a baby.

So I called him on it.

So long story short I am now awake when I don't want to be cause I can't sleep on the couch and I won't sleep with him and I can't ask him to come sleep out here because then I get to hear about how "you don't even want to share a bed with me why don't you just leave me" for the next three days. And frankly? I don't have the time or the energy to hear it right now.

So I send this question out there into the world tonight. How does a marriage survive something after two years that its not supposed to see for 30?

"For two people in a marriage to live together day after day is unquestionably the one miracle the Vatican has overlooked."
~Bill Cosby


KC said...

This situations totally sucks and it you shouldn't have to deal with this shit. Men just don't get it do they!!! I know my husband doesn't get any of this and would do all the "wrong" things in a situation like this.
Once.....and I mean literally once we had an all out on the table discussion about all of our infertility issues and he gave me some insight. G told me that no matter what it is that gets me down he feels like it is his responsibility to fix it. He feels like I am attacking him when I am frustrated and helpless because he is unable to help me. I keep telling him that all I want is for him to listen to me, grieve with me, and at times get angry with me. This is not about them...why can't they get it. I don't want pep talks, or defensive responses and I certainly don't want to feel guilty or silly about how I am feeling. Sometimes the way my hubby acts makes me feel like I am crazy and overly emotional.
I think we might be married to the same guy because we have a marriage deal (initiated by G) that even if we leave the bed because of a fight that when we are ready to sleep we will return to our bed. It sucks but it seems to work because there is the comfort that no matter what happens we will work things out.
Anyways, lord knows that G doesn't get this IF issue so I can related to the strain on the marriage.
I might have punched him in the face (or the balls) if he fell asleep though. What a way to make you feel like he gives a shit about what you are going through. It seems very passive aggressive!
If you need anything let me know, I am a night hawk with a long distance plan so I can be available if you need to vent!!!

KC said...

wow I really need to start proof reading.....haha!

shell87 said...

This is one of my fears, i was on lupron as a teen to simulate menopause and it was really bad.

Well now i am with my partner of 3+ years and family is pusking me to have an ooferectomy basicaly with the thinking that "you must like being in pain otherwise you would have the surgery" but as much as i dont like pain, i cant deal with the moodswings of menopause, posibly loosing my partner and posibly still being in pain later on.

I have no wise words, but i get your issues, they are one of my 2 main reasons for not wanting the surgery. (the other being afraid that it wont help)