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Thursday, April 15, 2010

Menopause at 26

I would have never thought that I would be going through this at my age. Well, at least not before 5 or 6 years ago. Since I was 21 or so I pretty much knew it would be much earlier than God intended. In fact for the last year or so I pretty much BEGGED for it.

And here I am. Sixteen days post hyst and menopausal and 26 years old. I NEVER thought that this would be has miserable as it is. Shall we look at all my symptoms one by one?

You can ask my husband, my dog, or my family who has pretty much disowned me whether or not I am over exaggerating when I say that I am a total bitch these days. I cry at the drop of a hat, I can't stand anything going wrong, and even though I don't want to be, I am yelling all the time about everything. I hate the world and I hate God and I hate my body and I hate hate hate. Bless Dan for putting up with me these days.

Night Sweats
When I finally do get to sleep, usually after three or four cold showers, I wake up a few hours later just soaking wet from sweat. My hair is sticky and my back is wet and I literally stink. Along with that comes the inevitable stains on my if they weren't ruined enough from the bleeding all the time before the surgery. So yeah, night sweats? NOT fun.

Hot flashes
Ok, so its Spring in Iowa, which in most places would mean cool nights and nice days, except we live where there is no spring, only winter and summer. And it is full on summer....85 degrees till the sun goes down, then we get a little break and fall down to 70. Put on top of this the fact that randomly throughout the day for no particular reason I break into a sweat and become literally so hot I think I have just caught a plague or pretty much sucks. I tried just the air good. Fans? No good. Air conditioning and two fans with a constant ice pack on the back of my neck while drinking iced water all day like its going out of style? Slightly bearable.

Distorted self-image
So I know that I am still the same person and Dan still finds me attractive and all that...but I can't seem to look at myself in the mirror for longer than to brush my teeth and hair. I hate my body for betraying me and I hate myself for accepting it and giving up the fight. I am hoping that this will change in time, or at least get easier, but if it doesn't you can expect many more blogs about the horrors of self-loathing.

I kid you not I have a new respect for anyone, any age, who has ever had to live through this. That being said, surgical menopause is harder than biological, ask any doctor. (I have to say this because there are certain people out there who seem to think that just because they had hot flashes once a week for 10 after giving birth four times that means they know what I am going through.) It is the second hardest thing I have ever had to do, the first being accepting that I would never have biological children and that I needed this hyst to get better. I know that it has only been two weeks and that it will take a long time, years even, to be completely ok with it...and I may never be completely ok with it, but I am hoping that one day I will be able to completely accept it.

As most of you will notice the blog has taken a large overhaul and re-doing, and I plan to post more often if the hopes of helping others who are going through the same thing I am. I also plan to add other things, such as a spin on wordless Wednesdays and maybe book reviews or something like that. If anyone has any ideas or suggestion I am totally open to them! I am also going to try to start tagging my posts so that new readers can easily find something they might be looking for. I am hoping to increase my readership with these things, because, lets face it, more followers makes anyone happy!

I might post again later tonight, maybe with the firsts of the series I am thinking about...maybe not. Depends if I am actually able to sleep later or not. In the mean time I hope everyone out in blogger land is well and that those that are in pain get some relief.


Waiting Lisa said...

I cried as I read this. We have a lot in common.