Saturday Songs #1

"The Kill (Bury Me)"
Written by Jared Leto (um, hot much?)
Performed by 30 Seconds to Mars
Album-Beautiful Lie

What if I wanted to break
Laugh it all off in your face
What would you do?

What if I fell to the floor
Couldn't take all this anymore
What would you do, do, do?

Come break me down
Marry me, bury me
I am finished with you

What if I wanted to fight
Beg for the rest of my life
What would you do?

You say you wanted more
What are you waiting for?
I'm not running from you

Come break me down
Marry me, bury me
I am finished with you

Look in my eyes
You're killing me, killing me
All I wanted was you

I tried to be someone else
But nothing seemed to change
I know now, this is who I really am inside

Finally found myself
Fighting for a chance
I know now, this is who I really am

Come break me down
Marry me, bury me
I am finished with you, you, you

Look in my eyes
You're killing me, killing me
All I wanted was you

Come, break me down
Break me down
Break me down

What if I wanted to break?
What if I, what if I, what if I
Bury me, bury me


If you watch the music video to this song without actually understanding or listening to the lyrics, one might be slightly confused. Although I will say that being confused while looking at Jared Leto is better than just being confused in general! Everyone is looking at a copy of themselves. Twins were used for most of the shots, but the members of the band were obviously made double by lots of film-making tricks that I wouldn't begin to be able to tell you about. Either way, the most moving part of the thing for me is when Jared screams at himself "this is who I really am."

In an interview once, he said

"It's really about a relationship with yourself. It's about confronting your fear and confronting the truth about who you are."

This song as always had meaning to me. Whenever I hear it I see myself looking at the pre-hyst/IF/endo/PCOS/adeno me and screaming at her...this is me. This is YOU. There is no escaping it and there is no hiding from it. Get used to it. Bury me in it...still not going away. It sucks and it blows but really, what are you going to do about it?

Then there's the pre/all that crap me looking at me now...screaming...you're killing me. Killing my dreams, killing my kids...killing everything about me I know to be true.

So who is left at the end? Is it her? The Sara who thought anything was possible and still believed in miracles?

Or is it me? The Sara who wants to believe but can't...because this thing inside me killed me. Killed my dreams...killed what I wanted.

Who knows?

"This is who I really am."
~Jared Leto