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Friday, May 21, 2010

IComLeavWe May 2010

I could say where has May gone, but this is the first month I will be doing this!

Ok, so this marks my return to blogging after a little break because of my marriage hitting a rough patch.

I have tons I want to say, so I will prolly just write something up later after I am done with the million things I have to do today, in the meantime, check things out, and I will get some of my "good" posts up so you can get a better intro to ME!


Ok, I know I said I was going to update later yesterday, but instead I am updating today, and I also have to catch up on my commenting and what-not, because I spent all day yesterday cleaning and running.

Yes, I run now.  No big deal.

At the risk of killing my typing ability before I get to comment on everyone elses bloggies, I have compiled some posts that pretty much tell the whole story.....

My What If
Basically my what if about what if I wasn't all broken and barren and what-not inside.

To Stop Trying
Basically the point that everyone on the TTC journey reaches one point or another, mine was reached with my hyst a couple months ago

Mothers Day Letter
a letter I wrote to the birth mother of my one-day child...I can't even really read it without getting all teary :(

Other than those, lets see.....

Dan and I are good.
I still love my Sassy and Bandit more than the world.
oh yeah...
and I run now.

No big deal!

Sunday, May 2, 2010


As much as I love my blog and my readers and writing, I think I am going to have to take a break from writing for awhile.

I will explain more later, and please no one be surprised if I can't stand it and I have to write something before I am actually ready to and it comes out as some jumbo that doesn't really make any sense at the time.

Like that last sentence.

Wish me luck.

I have to go try to save a marriage.


I have left Dan.  We are separated.  I won't get into it here but I will say this.

I may be a bitch.

I may be overemotional and crazy right now.

I may not be processing my loss as well as I should.

I may deserve to be yelled at sometimes.

But I WILL NOT be disrespected in a physical manner, no matter now little it may seem.

I am BETTER than that.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Saturday Songs #2

"The River"
Written by Garth Brooks and Victoria Shaw
Album-"Ropin' The Wind" and "Double Live"

You know a dream is like a river
Ever changin' as it flows
And a dreamer's just a vessel
That must follow where it goes
Trying to learn from what's behind you
And never knowing what's in store
Makes each day a constant battle
Just to stay between the shores...and

I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry

Too many times we stand aside
And let the waters slip away
'Til what we put off 'til tomorrow
Has now become today
So don't you sit upon the shoreline
And say you're satisfied
Choose to chance the rapids
And dare to dance the tide...yes

I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry

There's bound to be rough waters
And I know I'll take some falls
But with the good Lord as my captain
I can make it through them all...yes

I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry

Yes, I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
'Til the river runs dry

So there is a video for me to post, but I am writing this from Dans parents house and they have a limit on the internet that can be used per day...those of you who have been following me for more that awhile know this from when I was living here with them.  Stupidz Internetz!

Anyway, this song has always been one of my favorites.  So has Garth Brooks.  His songwriting is just PHENOMENAL, I can't think of one song of his that I don't just really appreciate, if not love.  So here is my take on this one....

The whole "dream is like a river ever changing as it flows" really rings true, doesn't it?  This dream for me to be a mother has changed.  LOTS.  You know when I was a kid I used to tell my mother that I never really wanted children.  Mostly I think I told her that because she used to say to me all the time that she hoped I have a child "JUST LIKE YOU!"
(Let it be known that I think I am pretty alright and would love a kid like me...bring on the challenge!)
Anyway, I got off....

So I never wanted kids, then I kinda wanted kids only not with my ex-husband, and then I really wanted kids, and now I can't have kids.  Still want them.  But my river took another path.  A really rocky, downhill, white water, off limits to those rafters with any sanity path, but still, another path.

"Never knowing whats in store."  Who ever really knows whats in store?  I know that I, for one, have no idea whatsoever.  I don't know if we will adopt from foster care or adopt an infant or just be foster parents the rest of our lives.  At this point I don't even know if I have the energy to have kids at all, ever.  The choice to remain child-free has crossed my mind more than once these days, and it is an option I am exploring, if not yet actually talking it over with Dan yet.

"Each day a constant battle just to stay between the shore."  No shit.  Every single day I am fighting to stay between the shores of this dream.  Every single day I wonder what is going to happen next.  Every single day I think about where I am going and where I have been.  This line rings SO true.

So I don't know where this river is taking me, but I know that I am going to fight like hell to stay between the shores of it, and fight even harder to get to the end of it; where it meets this other river that I will have to navigate.  That river is called parenthood.

There's bound to be rough waters
And I know I'll take some falls
But with the good Lord as my captain
I can make it through them all.
~Garth Brooks

ps-The "Double Live" CD is AMAZING!

Weekend Update, With Sara The Infertile...

This week when Sara asked Dan what she was supposed to eat at his sisters birthday party at the steakhouse, with her being a vegetarian, he came back with the best answer ever.

"They have fish!"

(ensue laughing)

Sara plans on seeing her mother today to pick something up. She hasn't seen her in over a month due to a falling out over her very hard choice of getting a hysterectomy, among other things.

Like lying.

(never lie to your children, especially one week after the hardest choice ever.  Now you can laugh, cause after all, what else are we gonna do?)

And to leave you all with nightmares for the rest of eternity, I give you the bug I found on my foot the other night.  I give you....SATAN.

Meet SATAN, a, evil-hate filled creation of the bug world sent here simply to cause Sara many nights of wondering how on earth something so evil could have ever made it to the perfectness that is her pink-manicured foot.  He enjoys stealing souls, giving nightmares, and the occasional deal of eternity in hellfire traded for various useless items such as concert tickets or even more blog followers!  (don't worry folks, I turned him down.  I prefer to increase readership by the sheer talent that is me!)  To contact SATAN,  Please contact Bandit....

as he ate this particular form of SATAN with great zeal.  And then threw him up all over Sara's floor.  Poor kitteh.  Please remember, dear kittehs of the world...eating SATAN is eating EVIL.

That is all.  Stay tuned for a "Saturday Songs" post later.

(All artistic renderings of SATAN and his evil doings are drawn and copyrighted by ME.  Please contact me for any contract work needed for you next event where a picture of SATAN is needed.  What better for your evil-themed birthday party than a life-sized portrait of the evil one himself?)


Love you all!

Even if there is nothing to laugh about, laugh on credit.  ~Author Unknown