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Wednesday, June 24, 2009


I can't make myself not think about it. For a few weeks there I would go hours or even days at a time without thinking about how I am broken and weak. These days I can't seem to think of anything other than that. I can't even look at myself in the mirror for more than a few seconds because I can't stand what I am seeing anymore. All I see are my failures and my faults. And there are so many of them. I feel so very old and jaded....and I hate myself for it.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

I don't even know where to start.....

How do I begin to even describe how I am feeling these days?? With an update on everything...

For those of you who don't know a few weeks ago Dan and I sold our home in anticipation of moving to Florida so that I could continue my schooling and we could not be in the pit of hell that is Iowa anymore. Long story short...Dan got offered tow jobs but neither paid well enough for us to move there on and so now here we are with nothing but clothes, pets, and a few kitchen things living in his parents basement with just a curtain between his sister and us so that even if I felt like it (which I don't lately) I can't put the moves on him unless the light across the curtain is out and we are sure she's asleep. How long are we here for you may ask? Who freakin knows. The pit of hell apparently wants to keep its hold on me for a little longer and whatever....whats a few more months of not being able to leave the house without being reminded that every single day is just one day closer to my death here in the pit of hell? Whats a little longer misery to me? I hate this.

I went of the Lupron a few months ago and last week my period was actually on time. Bring on the pain. I haven't been in pain like that in awhile and the only thing that I can say about it is that at least it was only for a few days. I am still pretty sure that I have endo on my sciatic nerve because my stupid legs both went out on me at about day three and stayed that way through the end. I can feel it inside me, growing every month, every day even. Its never gonna go away and even if I can for one moment forget that I am not a mother and maybe never will be the knowledge that my femininity has been stolen from me is always there in the front of my mind. I would love to find a treatment that actually works while not fucking with my head, but sadly, no luck yet. The doctors want me to go back on the Lupron, that there was no other option and another surgery was out of the question. I told them to shove it to hell and am now on the search for someone new again that will listen. It will never end.

Nothing new left ovary always hurts. Always.

So there ya go folks. There is prolly way more news than that but lets face it....the only thing I see is the children I can't have and the pain I am in all the time....what else is there? This is not rhetorical people.....someone PLEASE tell me what there is other than this constant heartache.