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Tuesday, December 29, 2009


Is somewhat important. Those who get this on a regular basis cannot possibly understand what it is like to not be able to get any. Those who get their 6-8 hours nightly probably think I am crazy...when really I just want to SLEEPPPPPP~~~!!!!!

That is all for now.

Monday, December 28, 2009

My Christmas Story

Once upon a time there was a girl. This girl loved Christmas and dreamed about the day when she would get up in the middle of the night and wrap presents for her children from Santa the way her parents did for her. She wasn't even mad when she caught them that Christmas eve, she was excited. Excited to do the same thing for her own kids one day.

Then the little girl grew up. She met a nice young man and they decided to get married, and not long after that they decided to have a baby, because we all know, that is what young people in love tend to do sometimes!

They tried and tried and tried, but every month the little girl all grown up had her little death one morning, and each time it brought pain and sadness and tears. She prayed and prayed and hoped and hoped, but still the little girl all grown up was broken, and she didn't know why.

One day the little girl all grown up went to the doctor and they did an operation and when she woke up the doctor told the girl that she was very sick on the inside where no one could see, but that they had fixed most of her and they were going to give her medicine so that she and the nice young man could have a baby together. This made the girl very happy because they told her by Christmas she would be expecting her baby and things would be happy and healthy.

The girl went home with this very nice young man and tried and tried some more to have a baby. She took the medicine that the doctor gave her, and even though the medicine made her very sick she still took it, because she wanted a baby so badly.

Christmas time came and went that year and the girl was still not expecting her baby. She went back to the doctor and they told her that even with the medicine and the operation that maybe she was just too broken inside where no one can see and she should try this other medicine to help her body rest for awhile, and then maybe she could have a baby later. The girl decided she would try that, because after all, the nice young man and her wanted a family very badly, and were willing to wait if that is what it took.

For four months the little girl all grown up had the poison raging through her. It made her body think it was even more grown up, like she was an old woman, and her emotions and thoughts and memory were all affected by this magic medicine they gave her through a needle every month. The nice young man she married tried to be patient, but their very young marriage was falling apart. So even though the doctors told her not to, the girl decided to stop the medicine because she loved the young man very much and didn't much like the way she was anymore. So when the time came for her to get the 5th shot, she stayed at home instead and read through the baby names book she had bought so many years before.

The little girl all grown up and the nice young man read a book about how there are natural things you can do when you are broken inside where no one can see in order to have a baby. The girl and the nice young man tried all these things over and over and kept trying and trying, but still the girl did not get pregnant.

Pretty soon it was the time of year where the little girl all grown up and the nice young man would have a baby with them to decorate the tree, had the doctors not lied and filled the girl full of medicine and poison that doesn't work, and she was not broken inside where no one could see. Christmas time was always the girls favorite time of year, but this year it seemed broken and empty, and she was not able to get much joy at all anymore.

The little girl all grown up still hopes for a baby for her and the nice young man, but she has almost given up hope. She looks around at all the things she bought for her future baby, and instead prepares to give them to other people who are not broken inside. Now not only is her body broken inside where no one can see, but her mind is broken too. She has bad dreams and cries all the time and is just not happy at all, especially at Christmas time. The doctors keep giving her medicine, but this time it is to help her broken heart and mind and not her belly. She takes these medicines, even though she doesn't think they are helping very much. Call her crazy, but medicine hasn't really done its job for the little girl much lately, so even though she takes it, she still doesn't think they will work.

The little girl all grown up now writes stories about her dreams of being a mother and tries to enjoy time with the nice young man and the animals she has surrounded herself with the ease the pain and loss. She bites her tongue when people say that she shouldn't be so sad anymore and that she has had plenty of time to get over it. You see, in the girls mind there was a death, and she feels the pain just as much today as she did then. She avoids people and places that remind her that she is broken inside, and when she can't avoid those people and places she waits until she gets home with the nice young man and he holds her while she cries all her tears out. She wants so badly to enjoy Christmas again, but until she is a little fixed inside where no one can see, she will just keep in her head the dreams she had as a little girl, about how she would hide the secret of Santa until her children were old enough to know that fairy tales really don't come true.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009


Dan and I are home. Our own place. Our own kitchen. I took a bath with the door open and walked naked to my closet to get my slinky nightgown I haven't worn in 7 months because my in laws don't need to see my...well you know. Incidentally it doesn't fit. Too big. *BIG SMILE*

Sassy and Bandit are loving it...although Sassy is still getting used to being on the leash to poo. She'll get used to it.

Dan made me eggplant for dinner. It was seriously good. And I did the dishes. No more walking over dirty ones all over the floor.

The new bed the in laws got us for Christmas is wonderful. Even Dans back didn't hurt when we got up this morning.

We still don't have a couch but my parents are loaning us camping chairs...which is just as good as anything I suppose when you can sit in it in your own place.

The second bedroom is currently holding all Dans computer stuff and random things I have no place for.....but beyond those things I can see a crib. I see a playpen. I see HER.

I see Lydia Lane Culwell.

And I see HIM.

I see Elliott Issac Culwell.

I still see you sweetheart.....and I await your arrival as always Love, Mommy

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

When it rains.....its a fucking blizzard

I am currently writing this from my parents house cause Dan and I are snowed in. Here by choice, though, because they are 20 miles closer to town then us. Anyway it has been snowing all day and even though I am trying not to think about it I can't help but think I am supposed to be a mom.

I was supposed to be pregnant last Christmas. I was supposed to get pregnant with no problems. I was SUPPOSED to never see an Iowa snow again. Now here I sit in my mothers living room trying not to cry while it snows a foot and a fucking half and I take my birth control pill because everyone seems to think that it helps. I hate this shit.

Fucking snow.

Fucking Iowa.

Fucking infertility.

Fucking endo.

Fucking blizzard that is my life.

Thursday, December 3, 2009


It's snowing here in Iowa. I was never supposed to see an Iowa snow again. I am still here...and the cold embrace of winter is here again.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009


I just got this award from Sonja at

The Rules:

* Share 7 things that you don't already know about me.
* Name 7 other blogs to receive this award.
* Leave a comment on each of the blogs I nominated.
* Thank the person who gave you the award.

Seven whole things huh???

1-As hard as it may be for those who follow to believe...I used to not want children. When I was a teenager my mom would say to me all the time she hoped I had a kid just like me and I would tell her it will never happen because I am never having kids.....guess I should have never said those things huh?

2-I drink my skim milk with ice in the glass through a straw. I don't think this is strange but others seem to.

3-I put all my favorite facebook games on my husbands account as well so I can send myself the gifts I drives him crazy

4-All of my clothes are second hand or under 10 dollars. Yes, all of them. Even my Silver Jeans I found two pairs of for 8 bucks each :)

5-I am so bad about taking my meds every day that I have a site email me a reminder ever night

6-I am awake right now because the stupid internet only works sometimes in the middle of the night cause I live in the middle of nowhere in the middle of Iowa

7-Middle is my word of the day :)

7 Other Blogs...

1-Carrie at [carrotspeak.]
I always look forward to a post from this future best-selling author

2-The Daily Nail
A different nail polish design every day for a year...I wish I had this patience!

3-Miriam at Hannah Wept, Sarah Cried
I came across this blog through Sonja and I am loving it

4-Gina at On The Road to Baby
Gina and her hubby Kev recently conceived while battling endo AND inspiration to those like me with both.

5-Alex at The Ins and Outs of Endo
A look at endo with some laughing in there as well!

6-Alyce at At Home with Books
I just recently found this one and really enjoy it because her tastes in books seem to run along my own.

I don't have 7 because everyone else I would nominate has already been given this award! Congrats to those I chose and keep up the entertaining me!

Sonja....Thank you so much for this award. Your friendship and support has meant so much to me this past year and I am grateful and blessed to call you friend.