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Monday, November 30, 2009

One more "little death"

I read once about the "little deaths" that infertility brings every month. The familiar wetness between your legs that brings with it the red of death...the death of your chance to conceive that month. Even though I know that the chances are so low they are almost not even there...there is still that one little part of me that thinks maybe this time will be the time.

I started birth control pills this last month. Even though I knew the white pills were coming they still caught me by surprise. Last night I took the first one, and today the pain came just like every other time, and little death.

Is it still a death when I know that that stupid pill makes it even more impossible? Is it still something to mourn when there was never anything there to begin with? Even though I know through months of therapy and talking with friends that I have every right to feel this way...I still feel guilty.

I feel guilty that I have all these things to be thankful for and yet all I can think about is everything I don't have. I feel guilty because the only thing I could ever want for Christmas no one can ever give to me, and I hate that. I feel guilty that I can't look at myself in the mirror and see who I am and not some broken woman. I feel guilty that I can't make love to my husband and enjoy it because all I can think about is how nothing will come of it but one simple moment of pleasure. Thats almost the worst of all...because I know he deserves something better than that.

I am on these magic pills that are supposed to make everything better. I always said that I would never go on anti-depressants again and yet here I am taking the little blue pill they keep increasing the dosage of in some attempt to make it work better. Right next to those stupid birth control pills. And the pain pills. And the anxiety pills. And the nausea pills. And the pills pills pills. Why is it that these little things are supposed to make everything ok? Nothing is getting any more ok than it was before the pills, so why still take them? Why still pretend that tere is some end to this feeling inside, and these stupid things are going to help me get there?

I know I shouldn't complain so much. I know that the doctors are trying to come up with the "right" dosage and all that crap...but its been months! When am I going to start feeling better? When am I going to be able to look at all the good things in my life and not just the bad. I am about to move out of this basement and into our own apartment. Dan just got a great job, and things are finally starting to look up. And all I can think is broken.




Its not just my womb anymore. Its not just my useless body now. Its me. I, me, myself...WHO I broken.

So what is the little death? Is it the fact that another month has gone by without the blessing I pray for daily? Or is it me? Am I just a series of little deaths? When will they stop? When will I be a life again?

Thursday, November 26, 2009


I am thinking of all the things I am thankful for this year....these are in no particular order :)

Dan-he makes my world go 'round

Sassy-She is my little white knight...I love her more every day

Bandit-My sweet boy who came home to me!

My Mom-My best friend and truest mirror.

My Dad-My biggest fan

Maggie-even though we don't always get along, I love her

Nancy-My little sister who is not so little anymore

Vicky-My SIL who has shown me real sisterhood

Sam-My SIL who has shown me the joy of food

Joe and Susan-Dans parents who have taken me in as their own

Ham-I am always thankful for ham

So many other things......

What are YOU thankful for?

Wednesday, November 11, 2009


I would like to post today about the ignorance and stigma that unfortunately still surround chronic illness. As much as I wish it wasn't this way, I get up and face the battle of fighting the win-less fight every day. For those of you who are faithful followers you know the battles I face...but for those of you who are just stopping by now and then to check up on me to use my posts to hurt me...let me enlighten you.

A chronic illness is basically one that will not go away. I have many, if you think about it. I have Endometriosis, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, Migraines, and recurrent Pelvic Inflammatory Disease. None of these has as cure really to speak of, only treatments that sometimes work and sometimes don't. I have been on many different treatments without much success. Let me tell you (those who are too ignorant to educate themselves) about what my days are like.

IF I am lucky enough to wake up without pain I am never able to make it to the bathroom without it coming on. I have spots of Endo and adhesions on my bladder and bowels, and it is painful to have a full bladder or have a bowel movement. On the worst days I sometimes have blood in my urine and stool, and while in your world this would be cause for concern, for me it is just par for the course. I have to watch what I eat for breakfast and how much of it I eat because there are many foods that either trigger a migraine or are too heavy, starchy, or just plain hard for my diseased bowels to pass. With my breakfast I take 17 supplements to replace the nutrition I am losing from not eating the foods that you can eat. Along with that I take a non-narcotic pain killer, whether the pain is bad yet or not, just to stave off any pain that is waiting to pop up. Then I get on the internet and check my many sites where I communicate with other women who have the same issues. Yes, I spend hours talking with them, but they help me, and I hope I help them. They are my friends, and some of the very few people in my life who if they don't actually suffer, at least educate themselves about the disease I battle because they love me. And that is my morning.

I could go on but, unfortunately, like the unpredictable pain does, it has come again and now I have to go take more pills and get in the hot bath before my head betrays me with a migraine. I will post my afternoons later...if I don't hear from you before then with the apology for your ignorance that I am owed.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

I would die for that

I just found the best song for saying how I feel...I shall post the link and lyrics now.

Jenny was my best friend.
Went away one summer.
Came back with a secret
She just couldn't keep.
A child inside her,
Was just too much for her
So she cried herself to sleep.

And she made a decision
Some find hard to accept.
To young to know that one day
She might live to regret.

But I would die for that.
Just to have one chance
To hold in my hands
All that she had.
I would die for that.

I've been given so much,
A husband that I love.
So why do I feel incomplete?
With every test and checkup
We're told not to give up.
He wonders if it's him.
And I wonder if it's me.

All I want is a family,
Like everyone else I see.
And I won't understand it
If it's not meant to be.

Cause I would die for that.
Just to have one chance
To hold in my hands
All that they have.
I would die for that.

And I want to know what it's like
To bring a dream to life.
For that kind of love,
What I'd give up!
I would die for that.

Sometimes it's hard to conceive,
With all that I've got,
And all I've achieved,
What I want most
Before my time is gone,
Is to hear the words
"I love you, Mom."

I would die for that.
Just to have once chance
To hold in my hands
What so many have
I would die for that.

And I want to know what it's like
To bring a dream to life.
How I would love
What some give up.
I would die ...
I would die for that.