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Thursday, February 3, 2011

To be censored or to be honest....

My sister reads this blog.  She never comments or asks me about what I write about until something upsets her.  She is angry with me right now for my last post-where I talked about finding out that she is pregnant again.  Lost story short, I was told to stop writing about her.  I told her I would take the post down-but the more I think about it, the more sure I am that I am not going to be censored in order for those around me to feel better about themselves.

She pretty much told me that if this is the way I am going to be, then I can just be fine with not ever seeing my nephew or the other little one on the way.  Obviously I am not ok with that-I love my nephew and I will love the next one.  I tried to explain to her that I write about my life to deal with it, and if I really didn't care about her as she claims, then the things that happen between us wouldn't bother me.  I haven't heard back from her yet-she won't listen to me any other way, so I suppose this is my way of telling her-and the rest of my family who reads this and never mentions it till something is written they aren't happy with-this.

I will not be censored.  I write this blog to deal with the problems and issues in my life.  I write it to reach out to other people with the same problems and issues.  I write it to make friends-the kind of friends who ask me more often how I am doing than all of you put together.  I write it to HELP people.  I have had more than one person tell me that by reading this blog they are a better person-better prepared to face what is in front of them because they know that I am somehow getting through it.

I write about my life-and all of you are in my life.  Things that are said and things that happen between all of us affect my healing process-and if you were to be a little more open to hearing about things face to face-then perhaps I wouldn't have to write so in-depth about my life.  If you don't want the things that you do, say, think, feel, share with me to be shared here-THEN DON'T SHARE AT ALL.

This is my outlet-how I deal with things.  I come here and reach out to people when I feel like I have nowhere else to turn.  The women here don't tell me to deal with it or fight it or move on-they understand.  I don't get that anywhere else in my life-therefore I will not be changing what I write about or the way I write about it.

I don't use your names on here out of respect.  You asked me not to-therefore I don't.  But that is as far as I will go.  If you can't understand that then you no longer have to reach out and be a part of my life.  That would kill me inside, because I love each and every one of you-but I have to heal in the only ways that I know how.  And this works.  Writing about it works.  If I am given an ultimatum-to stop contact with you or to stop writing-know now that it will be an easy choice and you will not win.

And just so you know, I am writing a book.  It probably won't ever really be done and even if it is it may never see the light of day.  You are all in it.  I have changed your names but I have not changed events or facts.  I am writing it to deal-the same reason that I write this blog.

The fact is that I am sick.  I will always be sick.  I will always deal with that.  If you can't deal with that-then you know where the door is.

I will not be censored.

I will be honest.
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