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My sister is pregnant again. I found out when I went to spend the day with her, my mother, and my nephew, and we had to make a "quick stop at the doctors" for my sis. While she was back in the office and I was trying not to cry while watching my nephew make faces at me, my mom started the conversation that went something like this....
Mom-Do you know why she is here?
Me-I dunno med check or something?
Mom-She's going off her meds
Me-Good for her.
Mom-Do you know why she's going off her meds?
Me-Well I would imagine that shes better enough now that she doesn't need them or something like that.
Mom-Remember when she said they were going to try again?
Me-Yeah, I guess she can't try while on BC and anti-depressants.
Mom-She's pregnant.
Me-Are you kidding?
Mom-No, are you ok?
Me-No.
She's due in August. I haven't seen her since. Not on purpose I guess, just haven't had a reason to reach out and see her. I don't need to go through it again. Last time she was pregnant there was still a very small chance that I could get pregnant too. There was still that glimmer of hope. This time, there is no possibly way. And I can't watch her go through another pregnancy knowing that it will never be me.
I am going back into therapy. I never meant to really stop before, it was an insurance thing that I couldn't help. Anyway we are poor enough now that there is funding for me to talk out the crazy. I am very slowly losing my mind. Maybe when I finally get there I will be able to forget. It never ends.
Mom-Do you know why she is here?
Me-I dunno med check or something?
Mom-She's going off her meds
Me-Good for her.
Mom-Do you know why she's going off her meds?
Me-Well I would imagine that shes better enough now that she doesn't need them or something like that.
Mom-Remember when she said they were going to try again?
Me-Yeah, I guess she can't try while on BC and anti-depressants.
Mom-She's pregnant.
Me-Are you kidding?
Mom-No, are you ok?
Me-No.
She's due in August. I haven't seen her since. Not on purpose I guess, just haven't had a reason to reach out and see her. I don't need to go through it again. Last time she was pregnant there was still a very small chance that I could get pregnant too. There was still that glimmer of hope. This time, there is no possibly way. And I can't watch her go through another pregnancy knowing that it will never be me.
I am going back into therapy. I never meant to really stop before, it was an insurance thing that I couldn't help. Anyway we are poor enough now that there is funding for me to talk out the crazy. I am very slowly losing my mind. Maybe when I finally get there I will be able to forget. It never ends.
