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Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Again it never ends

My sister is pregnant again.  I found out when I went to spend the day with her, my mother, and my nephew, and we had to make a "quick stop at the doctors" for my sis.  While she was back in the office and I was trying not to cry while watching my nephew make faces at me, my mom started the conversation that went something like this....

Mom-Do you know why she is here?

Me-I dunno med check or something?

Mom-She's going off her meds

Me-Good for her.

Mom-Do you know why she's going off her meds?

Me-Well I would imagine that shes better enough now that she doesn't need them or something like that.

Mom-Remember when she said they were going to try again?

Me-Yeah, I guess she can't try while on BC and anti-depressants.

Mom-She's pregnant.

Me-Are you kidding?

Mom-No, are you ok?


She's due in August.  I haven't seen her since.  Not on purpose I guess, just haven't had a reason to reach out and see her.  I don't need to go through it again.  Last time she was pregnant there was still a very small chance that I could get pregnant too.  There was still that glimmer of hope.  This time, there is no possibly way.  And I can't watch her go through another pregnancy knowing that it will never be me.

I am going back into therapy.  I never meant to really stop before, it was an insurance thing that I couldn't help.  Anyway we are poor enough now that there is funding for me to talk out the crazy.  I am very slowly losing my mind.  Maybe when I finally get there I will be able to forget.  It never ends.
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