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Thursday, April 2, 2009

One of those moments...

I am having one of those moments. One of those moments where I am sitting here really thinking about the fact that I am childless. I hate these moments. They are usually late at night when Dan and all the animals are asleep and there in no one to talk to. These moments break my heart. How fair is it that I am sitting here with the room and the love and the desire for a child while there are teenagers out there getting knocked up on their first try? How fair is it that I have to explain to my family for the 500th time that they really don't get it? I don't need to hear about how using the same soap got my parents pregnant forever ago. I don't need to hear my sisters twisted opinions about Endometriosis and the pain that comes with it. I don't need to hear about how ALL the girls I went to high school with are parents, and that most of them aren't even married. I HATE THIS.

If I see one more mother being mean or not paying attention to their child while I am sitting there waiting for my therapy appointment to talk about the fact that I am barren I am going to scream. How fair is it that they put the poor women like me in the room to wait with all the pregnant people? Couples holding hands and looking at ultrasounds and women with babies waiting for the doctor to come out and tell them that they are perfectly healthy and that there is nothing wrong with their body; unlike mine which seems to fall apart every time I turn around. This is NOT fair, and I just do NOT accept it.

My therapist and I have been talking lots about how I have the right to be angry. I have the right to grieve my loss and to have it affect me, because that is just what it is, a loss. No one else seems to get this. I mean, for the first couple months they seemed to be really understanding and said they understood how angry and upset I was...but now its like they all seem to think that I should have gotten over this weeks ago. None of them seem to realize that I will be grieving for the rest of my life this loss. I have lost something I was never blessed enough to have, and that is the cruelest loss of all. I have been talking with my friend Sonja about how when someone real dies, whether it be a pet or friend or family member, people get together and grieve together and talk about it and have the ceremony where they celebrate that persons life. Where is the ceremony for my loss? Where is the funeral for my dear friends lost children? Where is the celebration of the life brought to this world for me and my sweet husband? There is none. There never was that life. And maybe there never will be.

Why does it seem that this theft only occurs to those who least deserve it? There are dear friends of mine who I love more than anything, and would make the best parents I could think of, and yet they are suffering the same, if not worse, loss as me. Why is it that the people that deserve parenthood the most are the ones robbed of it? This makes no sense to me. My sister seems to think that God has a plan and all this. Bull. No one is going to convince me anymore that this is part of some larger plan. I WANT to believe that God is there and hasn't forgotten about me and my struggles...but WHERE is he? I pray ALL the time. I pray for relief and for pregnancy and for my friends and yet NOTHING happens. I told this to my sister and of course her answer to these questions was the ever popular "maybe his answer was no." Explain this to me, PLEASE. If God is there and knows what is best for me then how come he thinks that for me to be in this horrible pain is what's best? This makes NO sense, and I just hate it. And it IS pain. No one seems to get that either. Yes, I am still on the Lupron (for now) and yes, for the most part, my physical pain is gone. What about this pain in my heart? My heart actually hurts for this loss. Every time I see anything having to do with babies it just kills me. Dan asked me earlier what I was thinking about and I told him the truth "I am thinking of babies." All he could say was that I should try to think of something else so that it didn't make me so sad. Yeah, like that is easy to do, if even possible at all! And thats another thing....here we are wanting a child desperately and I seem to be the only one in this marriage who is still affected by this! He NEVER cries or gets upset or even says wow this really sucks. All he ever says is "don't be sad, Sara, it will happen for us." I HATE HATE HATE those words. Yeah it is all easy for everyone in the whole damn world to say that it will happen but they dont know! No one knows, and that is what kills me the most. Sometimes I want a hysterectomy so bad I can taste it...just because then there will be an absolution. Then there will be an answer...not the one I want....but at least an answer.....and that is all I want.

I have gone on. I should prolly head to bed and try to get some sleep. Maybe tonight my dreams won't revolve around the little girl in my head that I shall never meet. I will leave with this one last question. How can someone who has never lived, never breathed, never even died....still haunt me?

6 comments:

Sonja said...

*hugs* I was up last night thinking most of the same thoughts as you. You're right, it's not fair, it sucks, we have the right to be angry and grieve and hate and hurt this but when will it stop? It feels like it's eating me alive. I wish I had answers for us, or a way to make the pain lessen at least a little.

Andy's the same way. I told him that I wish he could feel the way I do, even a little bit, but he says "The feelings just aren't there."

It's a horribly lonely feeling, but I'm here for you Sara *hugs*

PS: Kind of a lame attempt at trying to say something, I know, but I hope it helped. Sometimes words just don't work...

deedee-7766 said...
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deedee-7766 said...
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autoimmunelife said...

((hugs)) Sounds like my thoughts recently :/
I was standing at the window right by where we park the car... and those windows are almost floor to ceiling... I was picturing a toddler standing at the window in front of me staring outside waiting for Daddy to come home... and my heart just broke because that's another thing that may never happen due to my health! I want kids so bad it is a physical ache... and to know I may never get them.... I can't express the pain I go through with that thought! There was a time with my ex where we thought I was pregnant... and I got so excited... and then we found out I wasn't (I would have been a month or two along at that point) and my heart broke like I'd miscarried or something. I was so attached to that baby... it was not a good time for me at all. I still miss that baby.... but how can you miss a baby that wasn't even actually there? I don't know.. but I sure deal with it....
I hate that women who seem to me like they should not have kids have two or more, and then there's me... who everyone says should have kids... and between my endo and my lupus who knows if I'll ever have one...
I'm sorry you are going through all of this Sara ((hugs))
If you need to talk you are welcome to message me on weareendo, leave a comment on my blog, or email me!
J

Melissa said...

I am new to your blog and I must say that I have never read anything so close to the feelings of my own heart. You explained my feelings with perfection. I go through the motions of watching a very undeserving person spit out 5 babies like they are some kind of a paycheck and it pissed me off to no end, Then I am made to feel guilty because I have not supplied gradchildren! Hugs and many thanks to you hun!

Jenny H. said...

Jeff is the same way...he always tells me to get off the web and stop reading about it and thinking about it...how do you stop thinking about anything??? Men are blessed with this skill and it seems to me women would benefit from it more greatly.
In a sick twisted way I almost feel if his sperm analysis results showed he had a problem I'd feel relief because he'd see what it's like when the part of you that makes you a man/women is broken you feel useless and pathetic.