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Sunday, March 1, 2009

Mostly I am pissed

For those of you who don't already know, today begins March, aka Endometriosis Awareness Month. This will be my first official March with an official diagnosis. Oh the joy. I want to go out there and spread the word and tell everyone I meet all about it...but mostly I am just pissed. Pissed that despite the friends I have made and the things I have learned, I shouldn't have to even know this word, Endo. I am 24 years old! I should be able to have a child when I want to and get a job when I want to and go shopping and clean and LIVE when I want to! I should not even know the things that I know about disease and my own body and other womens bodies and research and all this! Don't get me wrong, I am glad that this disease has opened my eyes to all the injustices in the medical community, and yet I am pissed that I even have to sit here thinking about it while chewing my nails down to nothing worrying about things that no one should ever have to worry about. Mostly I am pissed.

I will be 25 in two weeks. I should be happy. Mostly I am pissed because not only do I not have the child I wanted by the time I was 25 but I don't have the degree and the long hair and the smooth skin and the house and the debt-free life and the career and all mostly ANYTHING that I wanted by the time I was this age....and its all due to endo. And every freakin March for the rest of my life I will get one year older and have the thoughts of something that I should have by that older age but I don't have because of this freakin disease. Mostly I am pissed.

Please don't get me wrong, I am beyond happy that there is a whole month where people can spread the word and learn and teach about endo. I think its great. I also think that if someone would get off their ass and find a freakin cure already then the month of my birth would not only represent the passage of time in my life...but that horrible disease I once had that pissed me off all the time. Maybe I could plan a party and plans and have a martini and just be...happy. Maybe I wouldn't be mostly pissed.