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Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Pain killers......

I had to take Vicodin twice today. Right now as I sit here writing this the second dose is kicking in. I thought I would write about how exactly these things make me feel....because I know not everyone has had narcotic pain killers...and certainly not as often as I have to take them, so goes....

About 20 minutes after I take these things they kick in. Percocet is quicker but I didnt have any tonight so we will focus on what I DO have......I can tell the second they kick in. Its like a wave of relief and highness all at the same time. If I concentrate long and hard enough I can realize that the pain is still there just as bad but its like I am feeling the pain through a cloud of the highness. I can totally understand how people who dont need them could become addicted to these things.

The pain killers usually only last a couple hours, and you are supposed to wait a few hours before taking another dose, but I don't know about the rest of you who have endometriosis and/or PCOS but I usually just take another when the first dose wears off. The pain overrides my concern for my liver most of the time. I take Milk Thistle every day because I am really afraid that one of these days my liver will give out on me too because of all the pain killers I have to take.

I worry that I am actually addicted sometimes without "actually" being addicted. Its hard to explain, but when I first started taking these kind of pain killers it seemed like I could get relief with the lowest I have to self-medicate almost just to be able to function when things are at their worst. I know I am not a druggie, but I still feel like that sometimes people who don't understand will see me as one because I will be in the middle of walmart or something and have to pop a pill. Like I need these worries on top of everything else?

I look forward to the day when I am in the kind of pain that will go away with a aspirin and a hot bath. I still remember those days..those days before I was so sick....before I was broken. I am so tired of feeling broken. All the pain killers in the world will never change that. There is no fixing this....only covering it up in a cloud of narcatics.