Have you ever put your whole head under the water in the tub?  With just your nose above the water to breath? There is this noise you hear when you do this.  It's like being inside a seashell.  White noise.  I hear this all the time.  It's strongest when I am staring off-losing time.

I have reached the point of depression when the thought of breathing is exhausting.  I stared at myself in the mirror earlier for long enough that my features blended together.

I am lost.

Let's take things point by point

The following was left as a comment from my mother on a recent post "sisters and other strangers."  At the risk of sounding like I am dwelling on it-I feel like I need to address the things that were said.  This was the comment-and I am going to take it line by line and set things right.

From my mother-
I just read this blog and must say that I am saddened and surprised by all that I have read. First of all, Sara yes you were scheduled to have your surgery on the date that your nephew was due. I suggested many times that you insist on moving the date of your surgery forward or back in order that it not coinside with the birth of your nephew. I felt that it would be very painful and a change of dates would make things easier for you. You insisted that they continue with the scheduled date in order to not delay and that was the same date that your sister was scheduled for an inducement. If you will remember, I left the c.r. hospital long before your sister gave birth in order to be with you during your ordeal. I was there before they even put you under and started the surgery and I was there when you came to. I stayed there with Dan trying to be supportive during the entire time. When you came out of surgery, noone said that you had a nephew, BEFORE you asked about your sister. Yes, Sara, you asked us if you had a neice or nephew.
I spoke with "N", just moments ago concerning this blog of yours and simply asked her about the fact that she was being used to represent a certain lifestyle. She said that she is not a member of any commiunity, organized group, or LGBT. She also stated that she prefered not to be used as a representation for such things. She lives her life, minds her business and does not appriciate being spoken so openly about on the internet without first being asked.
Noone has ever said Sara you were faking your illness. I myself said that I had only wished that I had taken you more seriously during your teen years and perhaps it would not have gotton so out of control. However, this illness started showing signs of being a real problem while you were married to your first husband, and if you will reacall, it was HIM who refused to get you the medical attention you needed. You Dad and I are the ones who insisted on your seeing another doctor, and we are the ones who paid for the visit in order to insure that you were heard. In refernce to your cousin, I remember that during that conversation, all that was said was that even though she was very ill, she worked in order that she might be able to pay for the necessary treatment in order to be well. NOONE ever said that "she went to school, and worked even though she was sick". And noone ever indicated that you were not ill. I am not certain what is to be gained by this misconscrewed information on the internet. I understand that everyone needs an outlet of sorts, but bringing the people who care about you the most and showing them as mean and ugly people who don't care hurts me greatly. There is noone is this ENTIRE world who was more broken and saddened by the fact that you will never bear children, than your Mother and Father. Please out of respect for us stop badgering your siblings, who by the way, love you every bit as much and remember the times when we have all been there over and over again to try and help you in anyway we could. Please stop the constant demeaning of my family and all those whom I care about.
We are sad that you are miserable. There is no pleasure in that knowlege for any of us. We have tried to reach out to you and be as supportive as possible. I honestly thought that this was all behind us, but then I came across this blog and was disapointed to discover that for whatever reason, you are still angry and bitter for the things that life has thrown at you. I was saddened to find that you are claiming to be agnostic. As far as your being liberal, in all honesty, you KNOW that we have alway's said we admire the fact that you think independently, and raised you to think for yourself. Having an opinion is a wonderful thing, and not necessaraly bad if it is different than what others think. But to take those thoughts and use them in a hurtful manner is doing just that, hurting others and unnecessary. It would my hope that you would direct your anger and frustration over this illness in another direction than your family, and that everyone might know that none of us are the bad guy's. We are simply the family that loves you, that wants what's best for you, and can do nothing to change your circumstances but would do anything to make it better for you. Do not dispise your sister because she has something that you do not. I have alway's said that your day is coming and your blessings await. Things that are personal are personal. They are not stupid people and they are not fooled by the use of initials being used as examples. Everyone in this family and their friends know our initials and which people you are speaking of. Please lets put a stop to this now before more feelings get hurt. Hurting those of us who care about you is not going to help the circumstances. We only love you and want what's best for you. I was so proud of the progress that you had made in dealing with things this past year. But this entire thing saddens me beyond belief, and it would be my hope that you find it in your heart to stop.




So here we go.  My response to you, dear mother of mine.  I know you will read this and I hope you take it to heart.




I just read this blog and must say that I am saddened and surprised by all that I have read. First of all, Sara yes you were scheduled to have your surgery on the date that your nephew was due. I suggested many times that you insist on moving the date of your surgery forward or back in order that it not coinside with the birth of your nephew. I felt that it would be very painful and a change of dates would make things easier for you. You insisted that they continue with the scheduled date in order to not delay and that was the same date that your sister was scheduled for an inducement. If you will remember, I left the c.r. hospital long before your sister gave birth in order to be with you during your ordeal. I was there before they even put you under and started the surgery and I was there when you came to. I stayed there with Dan trying to be supportive during the entire time. When you came out of surgery, noone said that you had a nephew, BEFORE you asked about your sister. Yes, Sara, you asked us if you had a neice or nephew.


You are saddened and surprised?  Why?  Nothing that has been written here is anything that I have not said to you or my sisters in person.  The fact that you think this is all brand new information just shows that you weren't ever listening when I talked about it.


Yes, I was scheduled on the due date.  And yes, I asked about moving the date, and I couldn't wait the month and a half that I would have had to wait if I had rescheduled.  Yes, it was very painful, but a change in the date was not an option, because I had already waited literally YEARS for a fix.  There was no moving it.  I don't blame Maggie for having the baby the same day-no one could have planned that.  I do remember that you were there with me.  I also remember sitting in the room waiting for surgery while you dictated the texts you were getting from CR about how the delivery was going.  I did ask if I had a niece or a nephew.  Just because I wanted to know if my sister was alright-that doesn't mean that I needed a play-by-play along with pictures on cell phones and details.  If you will remember-I was a little bit DRUGGED and perhaps those people in the room that were thinking clearly should have been a little more on top of watching what they said-whether or not the person on MORPHINE was asking for them to talk or not.


My hysterectomy was not an "ordeal."  It was a life-changing, mood-altering CHOICE that I regret most days.  It changed my life and my marriage and my faith and my outlook and my future.  It changed WHO I am.  To call it an "ordeal" is truly putting it lower than it deserves.  You wanted to be there for me during my "ordeal?"  Guess what, mother-it's still going on.  This "ordeal" will never be over.  And I am sorry-but being there for the physical event does not make up for the fact that you were not there for the psychological ramifications that I deal with still-and will deal with for the rest of my life.  It's like going to a funeral and then never calling the widow.  The fact is, you aren't there.  You weren't there.


Also, "noone" is not a word.  Neither is "neice."




I spoke with "N", just moments ago concerning this blog of yours and simply asked her about the fact that she was being used to represent a certain lifestyle. She said that she is not a member of any commiunity, organized group, or LGBT. She also stated that she prefered not to be used as a representation for such things. She lives her life, minds her business and does not appriciate being spoken so openly about on the internet without first being asked.


As far as Nancy goes-what on this green earth thinks that she would tell you she is proud to be who she is?  All she has ever heard from any of you is how wrong and immoral it is.  The fact is that she IS a member of that community.  When SHE asked me to stop referring to her as a member of it, then I will.  Until then, I will continue to support gay rights.  Even if my sister loved a man instead of a woman I would STILL support the cause, because unlike you, I believe that we are all equal and there are no "second class citizens" 


Noone has ever said Sara you were faking your illness. I myself said that I had only wished that I had taken you more seriously during your teen years and perhaps it would not have gotton so out of control. However, this illness started showing signs of being a real problem while you were married to your first husband, and if you will reacall, it was HIM who refused to get you the medical attention you needed. You Dad and I are the ones who insisted on your seeing another doctor, and we are the ones who paid for the visit in order to insure that you were heard. In refernce to your cousin, I remember that during that conversation, all that was said was that even though she was very ill, she worked in order that she might be able to pay for the necessary treatment in order to be well. NOONE ever said that "she went to school, and worked even though she was sick". And noone ever indicated that you were not ill. I am not certain what is to be gained by this misconscrewed information on the internet. I understand that everyone needs an outlet of sorts, but bringing the people who care about you the most and showing them as mean and ugly people who don't care hurts me greatly. There is noone is this ENTIRE world who was more broken and saddened by the fact that you will never bear children, than your Mother and Father. Please out of respect for us stop badgering your siblings, who by the way, love you every bit as much and remember the times when we have all been there over and over again to try and help you in anyway we could. 


Yes, Mother, Maggie did in fact, on more than one occasion, say that I was faking. In fact, you, on at least one occasion, told me that I was being a baby about it.  How nice for you to be able to blame my ex-husband.  You are so right, he wouldn't get me the care I needed, but that doesn't change the fact that when I was a CHILD and depended on YOU and told you there was something wrong YOU did nothing to help me.  Saying now that you wished you had listened is all well and good-doesn't that make you the perfect martyr of the situation.  And yes, you and Daddy paid for ONE visit to your doctor, where I was NOT heard, but only given more pain medication.


As far as my cousin-you are not remembering the conversation correctly.  I am not going to argue that-I know what was said.  But to say that she "worked even though she was ill to pay for the care she needed" is nothing more than a slap in the face to me and every other woman with this disease who is unable to work.  How dare you imply that if we were to go to work we could get the care we need?!  You have no right, and the fact that you would even say something so heartless and cold makes me ashamed to call you my mother.


As far as bringing the people who care about me most and showing them as ugly and mean?  I have shown you as you are.  I, in fact, have been BEYOND nice in the things I have said about you.  Your comments have done nothing except show people that I have painted you prettier than you actually are.  I have said nothing that isn't true.  If anything I have been less than honest about how things actually are-because I know you guys read this.  Rest assured-I no longer care what people think of you.  You made this bed.  You can lie in it.


Oh yeah, and no one hurts worse than you and Daddy that I can't have children?  You say this often, and you forget one thing.  ME.  I HURT WORSE THAN YOU.  Remember me, the one actually going through it?  The one who actually lost something?  Or how about my husband?  Remember him?  To say that no one hurts worse than you shows how selfish and ignorant you are.  How very sad.


I am not badgering my siblings.  If I was emailing them and calling them and yelling at them every day then you could say that I was, but I am not.  Seems to me that the ones "badgering" are you and Maggie.  YOU are the one who came to this blog and started badgering ME.  


You have not helped me in any way you could.  You COULD have, just once, acknowledged the fact that I lost something.  You could have supported me.  You could have NOT ripped into me and my friends for feelings that you know NOTHING about. 

Please stop the constant demeaning of my family and all those whom I care about.
We are sad that you are miserable. There is no pleasure in that knowlege for any of us. We have tried to reach out to you and be as supportive as possible. I honestly thought that this was all behind us, but then I came across this blog and was disapointed to discover that for whatever reason, you are still angry and bitter for the things that life has thrown at you. I was saddened to find that you are claiming to be agnostic. As far as your being liberal, in all honesty, you KNOW that we have alway's said we admire the fact that you think independently, and raised you to think for yourself. Having an opinion is a wonderful thing, and not necessaraly bad if it is different than what others think. But to take those thoughts and use them in a hurtful manner is doing just that, hurting others and unnecessary. It would my hope that you would direct your anger and frustration over this illness in another direction than your family, and that everyone might know that none of us are the bad guy's. We are simply the family that loves you, that wants what's best for you, and can do nothing to change your circumstances but would do anything to make it better for you. Do not dispise your sister because she has something that you do not. I have alway's said that your day is coming and your blessings await. Things that are personal are personal. They are not stupid people and they are not fooled by the use of initials being used as examples. Everyone in this family and their friends know our initials and which people you are speaking of. Please lets put a stop to this now before more feelings get hurt. Hurting those of us who care about you is not going to help the circumstances. We only love you and want what's best for you. I was so proud of the progress that you had made in dealing with things this past year. But this entire thing saddens me beyond belief, and it would be my hope that you find it in your heart to stop.

I have never once demeaned your family.  I have only told the truth about MY family, and how I am treated in it. If you find no pleasure in the fact that I am miserable, then please stop contributing to my misery.

DUH I am angry and bitter.  YOU HAVE NO IDEA.  You all walk around acting like I should just be over it.  I will NEVER be over it-all I can hope for is to one day be able to deal with it.

To say that you are saddened to find that I am agnostic like you didn't already know, again, shows that you never listen when I talk.  I have not believed in God for a long time now.  And to tell you the truth, even if I did, I would not want to be associated with you and your so-called "Christian" values that allow you to judge that which you do not understand.  You wonder why people think that Christians like you and Maggie are hypocrites?  Read the things you wrote to me-they are a perfect example of "Gods love."

I do not despise my sister for having something I can't have.  I despise that I can't have it.  None of you have ever understood that.  None of you have ever tried.

There will not be a stop to this.  I will deal with this forever, and I will deal with it the ways that work.  I will be honest, and I will continue to write.  I am sorry that you don't get it-and even more sorry that I have had to apologize for your behavior.

If your feelings are hurt by the truth about yourself, perhaps you should change that truth.

Alcohol

I am drinking tonight.  Till I can't feel the pain.  Slightly drunk-I still feel it.

Award!

I got an award!

The rules:

Thank and link back to who gave you the award.
Share seven things about yourself.
Award up to 15 bloggers, and let them know about the award.

So first, thank you Sonja!  I love you girl I would be lost without you!

Seven things about me-

1-My fingernails and toenails are always painted.  I have over 200 polishes.  My fingernails are a different color every single day, but my toes are always some shade of pink.  It's kinda my thing.

2-I blog about my nails and other beauty stuff here.

3-My hair is longer right now then it has been in years.  It is driving me insane-its all over the place and I have to constantly brush it to keep it tangle-free.

4-Monday is Valentines Day, which is also my three year wedding anniversary to the best guy ever!

5-I fully support LGBT issues...and not just because of my sister who is a member of that wonderful community.

6-I am the only liberal in my immediate family.  I am also the only agnostic.

7-I have 8 tattoos and 11 piercings.  And I want more.

Bloggers to award-

You Wouldn't even make an Omelet with Stale Eggs

Single Infertile Female

Jendometriosis

It's Time to Get Over How Fragile You Are

My Autoimmune Life

Thanks again for the award, Sonja, and to the rest of you, Congrats!

Sisters and Other Strangers

The past few days, since I had a fight with my sister over this blog, I have been thinking more and more about what it means to be the sibling who is sick.  My friend Sonja and I have talked about it-she has two brothers who will probably one day start a family of their own.  Watching siblings starting their own families can be torture on the infertile/barren/sick.

The first thing that I heard after I woke up from my hysterectomy was that my sister had given birth to a boy.  I had been saying for months that I just knew she was going to go into labor while I was in surgery, and everyone kept saying that I was being stupid.  Bigger than life-before I walked back to the delivery room, my mother got a text saying it would be soon.  When I woke up, broken and gutted-I asked my husband if everything was ok.  He said yes.  I asked about my sister.  He said "we have a nephew."

When my parents got back to see me (after driving 45 minutes to see her), the very first thing that was said was "do you want to see a picture of your nephew?"

Not really, mother, but ok, I will pretend to be happy at this moment.


Don't get me wrong, eventually I was happy, but mostly I just wanted to feel my own loss for just a few moments.

My siblings will have families.  I hope for nothing more than for M's children to grow happy and healthy, and I hope nothing more than for N to one day be able to legally marry a woman she loves and start a family of her own.  That all being said, I will still always be the sick one.  I will always be the one trying desperately to get them to understand-and always failing.

Once, after another large fight with M, I actually convinced her and my mother to sit down and talk about Endometriosis, PCOS, and Adenomyosis.  I brought all my books and research and journals and all kinds of things.  A whole bag full of information that I had been trying to share with them for months-and now I was finally going to get to.  M proceeded to tell me that (another M), our cousin, who also has endo, was able to get through school and work full time-therefore I must be faking or something.  She would not even try to hear me when I told her that this disease effects every single woman differently.  She refused to listen-refused to see things for what they were-and left in a huff.  My mother kept the books and info and read them, and for that I am thankful.  There were things that she didn't know-and at least she made an effort.

Then after this, when we had a family event in ND, we stopped in Fargo for the night, which was uber cool, because it meant that I was going to get to finally meet one of my best friends, Sonja.  My mother and M were sharing the room with me, and expressed interest in meeting her to.  Sonja and I went up to the room, and M said, and I quote, the following to her...

"I just want to say thank you so much for being there for Sara because I know how much she needs it and I know how much it helps her to have you there for her."


Um.

What?

M's big thing is that my online friends and blog friends who have endo all feed me.  I feed them.  We "feed off each other."  She says this often.  But when she is actually faced with another human being who suffers like I do?  Oh well then its all "I understand" and "thanks for the support."

Hypocrisy.

The whole thing is-I can't change it.  I can't make her see me for who I am, and I can't make her grow up.  But I can try.  I can try to get her to see who I am and what I am-and I suppose if she never gets it, then thats her loss.  Because lets face it-I am pretty damn cool.

Yet Another one

If I have to read one more pregnancy announcement of Facebook I am going to scream.  I don't care that people post about their happy news-but could they not WARN me ahead of time that they are going to be posting stuff?  Just now I was checking friends profiles and a very good friend of mine who has always been there for me and actually ASKED about endo and stuff is pregnant.

I don't care that she talks about it on facebook-but I feel like if it were me, I would tell people one-on-one-especially if I am telling people who I know will never be able to be as blessed as I am.

So congrats.

And thanks for the warning.

PS-
Hi dear sister...please get a life.

To be censored or to be honest....

My sister reads this blog.  She never comments or asks me about what I write about until something upsets her.  She is angry with me right now for my last post-where I talked about finding out that she is pregnant again.  Lost story short, I was told to stop writing about her.  I told her I would take the post down-but the more I think about it, the more sure I am that I am not going to be censored in order for those around me to feel better about themselves.

She pretty much told me that if this is the way I am going to be, then I can just be fine with not ever seeing my nephew or the other little one on the way.  Obviously I am not ok with that-I love my nephew and I will love the next one.  I tried to explain to her that I write about my life to deal with it, and if I really didn't care about her as she claims, then the things that happen between us wouldn't bother me.  I haven't heard back from her yet-she won't listen to me any other way, so I suppose this is my way of telling her-and the rest of my family who reads this and never mentions it till something is written they aren't happy with-this.

I will not be censored.  I write this blog to deal with the problems and issues in my life.  I write it to reach out to other people with the same problems and issues.  I write it to make friends-the kind of friends who ask me more often how I am doing than all of you put together.  I write it to HELP people.  I have had more than one person tell me that by reading this blog they are a better person-better prepared to face what is in front of them because they know that I am somehow getting through it.

I write about my life-and all of you are in my life.  Things that are said and things that happen between all of us affect my healing process-and if you were to be a little more open to hearing about things face to face-then perhaps I wouldn't have to write so in-depth about my life.  If you don't want the things that you do, say, think, feel, share with me to be shared here-THEN DON'T SHARE AT ALL.

This is my outlet-how I deal with things.  I come here and reach out to people when I feel like I have nowhere else to turn.  The women here don't tell me to deal with it or fight it or move on-they understand.  I don't get that anywhere else in my life-therefore I will not be changing what I write about or the way I write about it.

I don't use your names on here out of respect.  You asked me not to-therefore I don't.  But that is as far as I will go.  If you can't understand that then you no longer have to reach out and be a part of my life.  That would kill me inside, because I love each and every one of you-but I have to heal in the only ways that I know how.  And this works.  Writing about it works.  If I am given an ultimatum-to stop contact with you or to stop writing-know now that it will be an easy choice and you will not win.

And just so you know, I am writing a book.  It probably won't ever really be done and even if it is it may never see the light of day.  You are all in it.  I have changed your names but I have not changed events or facts.  I am writing it to deal-the same reason that I write this blog.

The fact is that I am sick.  I will always be sick.  I will always deal with that.  If you can't deal with that-then you know where the door is.

I will not be censored.

I will be honest.

Again it never ends

My sister is pregnant again.  I found out when I went to spend the day with her, my mother, and my nephew, and we had to make a "quick stop at the doctors" for my sis.  While she was back in the office and I was trying not to cry while watching my nephew make faces at me, my mom started the conversation that went something like this....

Mom-Do you know why she is here?

Me-I dunno med check or something?

Mom-She's going off her meds

Me-Good for her.

Mom-Do you know why she's going off her meds?

Me-Well I would imagine that shes better enough now that she doesn't need them or something like that.

Mom-Remember when she said they were going to try again?

Me-Yeah, I guess she can't try while on BC and anti-depressants.

Mom-She's pregnant.

Me-Are you kidding?

Mom-No, are you ok?

Me-No.

She's due in August.  I haven't seen her since.  Not on purpose I guess, just haven't had a reason to reach out and see her.  I don't need to go through it again.  Last time she was pregnant there was still a very small chance that I could get pregnant too.  There was still that glimmer of hope.  This time, there is no possibly way.  And I can't watch her go through another pregnancy knowing that it will never be me.

I am going back into therapy.  I never meant to really stop before, it was an insurance thing that I couldn't help.  Anyway we are poor enough now that there is funding for me to talk out the crazy.  I am very slowly losing my mind.  Maybe when I finally get there I will be able to forget.  It never ends.