This is what I think of packing.....

it BLOWS

The Plan

We are selling everything that we can part with....including the trailer. We are moving in with Dans parents till we sell enough to move. We are getting the hell outa here. I can't be here anymore. Its breaking me....always has been. Thats the plan. Now you all know. Warmer days and NOT Iowa here we come.

Charity begins.....in the unempoyment office

I got laid off. Apparently the good people at the MDA have decided that they don't need to pay 5 temps to do what three salaried employees can do for free (kinda, you know what I mean). Either way, it blows and now Dan and I are both unemployed. How fantastic. He has a new temp job starting in two weeks but my question is what the hell are we supposed to do until then? And even after then, as the new job is only 4 hours a day 10 bucks an hour. That works out to us being 2,000 bucks in the hole every month, assuming that I stop all meds and we don't eat. If I stop blogging its because I had to cancel my internet and I have killed myself because of the lack out outside contact. Have I mentioned lately that I HATE MY LIFE?

The holiday of childless people

Just so everyone out there knows....if I see one more little kid looking for an Easter egg I am going to scream.

Why is it that every single holiday is marketed at kids? I used to meet these holidays with the joy that maybe that would be my last one without a child to share it with. Now they all just annoy me. How is it that they can take any freakin holiday and turn it into something to do with children? I want to know where the childless people holidays are. The holidays where all of us, either by choice or circumstance, who don't have children, get together and exchange gifts and drink and be merry and have a good time without the pregnancy of the world literally shoved in our faces. Where is this day. Perhaps I should make it today, in which case, I am off to buy more wine and be merry with myself.

There isn't much else to say. I hereby claim today the day of childless people. Have fun....if you still can.

Headaches and Heartache

I have a headache. It started yesterday as a dull inconvenience and has slowly grown into a raging roar right behind my right eye. I blame my new job. Its not hard by any means...pick up the phone, pitch, and up the phone after getting yelled at. Really no biggie. Note to all, though...if I charity calls you and you are genuinely too cheap or lazy to help out, please just tell the person on the other line the truth, rather than going into some really long rant about how I, 500 miles away, should have known now to call in the middle of your AA meeting while you mother is dying and your dog is going through Prozac withdrawal. I hate my life sometimes.

I have to stay, though. We woke up this morning to freezing cold and no hot water...problem? No gas. Solution? A check that is sure to bounce driven across town in the wee hours of the morning while I cry about not wanting to go to work and Dan convinces me to go in. We need the money. I need excision surgery like no one would believe, and I need the hell out of Iowa even more. Neither one of those things happens without me working and earning more money, therefore, I stay. Please don't misunderstand, though, its a great cause and when I get a "yes" I feel really good that I am doing my part. When I get a "no," "fuck off," or the more usual than you would think "I don't believe in charity," I feel like wow I hate my life and would just as soon stay at home and call random people in the phone book and ask them to donate to the "Sara needs gas to take a hot shower cause she has a headache cause of cheap-ass people" fund. What do I tell myself to get through the day? Nothing. I pretend it isn't me and that the life I am living is the dream and the dreams are my life. This has been working out well for me...although its put me in therapy....all the more reason to keep working I suppose.

Where is the heartache I spoke of in the title? I am so glad you asked. Its not really anything new. Just the usual "I hate my life why can't I have a baby why does everything suck so damn much" rant that so many of you have already heard before. Mostly it just sounded cool in the title, and it worked, cause here you are reading this. Now all I need is some baby food company to pay me lots of money to advertise on my blog to make the irony come full circle.

There really isn't much else...I have to go clean my house and clean my hair with cold water...I hate being dirty. I will close with the ever popular I hate my life....and wish you readers a happy Easter and hope that tomorrow the sun will shine brighter. Although it probably won't because I live in the land of never-ending Winter that is Iowa. *Sigh*

Sara's rules for commenting...

okay, those of you who are normal followers and frequent supporters, this is not meant for you...this is meant for those who do not know me personally and have never spoken to me except through this blog....

I have endo sisters and close friends that I ask for opinions when I want them. For those of you who only know me because of this blog, you don't really know me. When I want to reach out and ask for other peoples opinions I will do so...until then please leave your uninformed thoughts to you own blog.

Yes, I did drugs when I was younger, and yes, I am aware that is wasn't good for me. Just who the hell do you think you are, telling me what was and wasn't good for me? Trust me when I say that there are plenty of people in my life that make me feel guilty for my past choices, myself included, and I do not need those who have never even spoken to me telling me what they think I should have could have would have done. I am not an idiot and I am well aware. For you to imply that the reason I am in the boat I am in is because of choices I made when I was younger makes you just as ignorant as those who knew me then and think the same thing. Until you are in MY shoes, you have no place to judge.

If I need religious advice I will be sure to ask those who I know and trust. If I choose to believe or not to believe in certain deities that is my choice. Again, there are plenty of people in my real life who thrust their uneducated opinions in my face on a daily basis. My relationship with God is between me and God, and no one else. While I appreciate the prayers you so kindly offered, that is all that is needed. Please keep your opinions on religion and God to those who ask.

I am well aware of the treatment options that are available to me, and I alone will make the choice when and if to pursue those options. You are not my doctor, and you are not one of my trusted friends, so until you are either of those, please offer your thoughts to someone who asked for them. If I choose a particular treatment, even if you think it is stupid, please either be my friend and support me or don't be my friend and don't-but shut up about it. AGAIN, I have plenty of people in my own family that think they know what is best for me and my body, and I don't listen to them, either, except to take their thoughts into consideration. Those thoughts that I use to make my own decision come from those who I trust, not those who have only known about me what I have chosen to share in this blog. If you look at my reasons for starting this blog you will see that I am NOT a doctor, nor do I claim to know any better than one what is best for someone else. I would never come to your blog and disrespect a choice you have made regarding your own treatment, so please give me the same respect.

Please do not send me links to "helpful" website that do nothing but advocate your own opinion. What you chose for your own research is your choice, and I respect that. Please show me the same consideration, and please know that I know PLENTY of site, thank you very much.

This last bit is meant not only for the inconsiderate person whose mean thoughts are no longer in my comment section, but for anyone who comes across this who knows someone who is suffering from infertility......

The LAST thing any of us want or need to hear is that we are young and to stop stressing. That is just mean, uneducated, and disrespectful. If I hear one more time that I should just adopt I am going to SCREAM! I am well aware that that is an option for me, along with the millions of other women in my situation. We are ALL aware of this, and while that may be an option in the future...COULD YOU PLEASE LET US GRIEVE OUR LOSS!!!!!!!! It is not always the loss of future pregnancies we are grieving. While that is at the top of many lists, there are dozens of other things that hurt us just as badly and until you are US (which, by the way, is impossible) you will never know. Things bother me that don't bother friends I have even though we are all suffering the same problems. No two people are the same, and to assume that adoption is an option for everyone is just the same as assuming the best way to quit smoking for one person is the same for all smokers. Please, if you know and/or love someone who is suffering from infertility, please only offer your opinion on family building when you are asked. We do not need to hear about the options.....we are all aware of them.

There are those of you reading this who know this is not directed towards you, and to those...I LOVE YOU TO PIECES! You are my friends...and I don't know what I would do without you.

One of those moments...

I am having one of those moments. One of those moments where I am sitting here really thinking about the fact that I am childless. I hate these moments. They are usually late at night when Dan and all the animals are asleep and there in no one to talk to. These moments break my heart. How fair is it that I am sitting here with the room and the love and the desire for a child while there are teenagers out there getting knocked up on their first try? How fair is it that I have to explain to my family for the 500th time that they really don't get it? I don't need to hear about how using the same soap got my parents pregnant forever ago. I don't need to hear my sisters twisted opinions about Endometriosis and the pain that comes with it. I don't need to hear about how ALL the girls I went to high school with are parents, and that most of them aren't even married. I HATE THIS.

If I see one more mother being mean or not paying attention to their child while I am sitting there waiting for my therapy appointment to talk about the fact that I am barren I am going to scream. How fair is it that they put the poor women like me in the room to wait with all the pregnant people? Couples holding hands and looking at ultrasounds and women with babies waiting for the doctor to come out and tell them that they are perfectly healthy and that there is nothing wrong with their body; unlike mine which seems to fall apart every time I turn around. This is NOT fair, and I just do NOT accept it.

My therapist and I have been talking lots about how I have the right to be angry. I have the right to grieve my loss and to have it affect me, because that is just what it is, a loss. No one else seems to get this. I mean, for the first couple months they seemed to be really understanding and said they understood how angry and upset I was...but now its like they all seem to think that I should have gotten over this weeks ago. None of them seem to realize that I will be grieving for the rest of my life this loss. I have lost something I was never blessed enough to have, and that is the cruelest loss of all. I have been talking with my friend Sonja about how when someone real dies, whether it be a pet or friend or family member, people get together and grieve together and talk about it and have the ceremony where they celebrate that persons life. Where is the ceremony for my loss? Where is the funeral for my dear friends lost children? Where is the celebration of the life brought to this world for me and my sweet husband? There is none. There never was that life. And maybe there never will be.

Why does it seem that this theft only occurs to those who least deserve it? There are dear friends of mine who I love more than anything, and would make the best parents I could think of, and yet they are suffering the same, if not worse, loss as me. Why is it that the people that deserve parenthood the most are the ones robbed of it? This makes no sense to me. My sister seems to think that God has a plan and all this. Bull. No one is going to convince me anymore that this is part of some larger plan. I WANT to believe that God is there and hasn't forgotten about me and my struggles...but WHERE is he? I pray ALL the time. I pray for relief and for pregnancy and for my friends and yet NOTHING happens. I told this to my sister and of course her answer to these questions was the ever popular "maybe his answer was no." Explain this to me, PLEASE. If God is there and knows what is best for me then how come he thinks that for me to be in this horrible pain is what's best? This makes NO sense, and I just hate it. And it IS pain. No one seems to get that either. Yes, I am still on the Lupron (for now) and yes, for the most part, my physical pain is gone. What about this pain in my heart? My heart actually hurts for this loss. Every time I see anything having to do with babies it just kills me. Dan asked me earlier what I was thinking about and I told him the truth "I am thinking of babies." All he could say was that I should try to think of something else so that it didn't make me so sad. Yeah, like that is easy to do, if even possible at all! And thats another thing....here we are wanting a child desperately and I seem to be the only one in this marriage who is still affected by this! He NEVER cries or gets upset or even says wow this really sucks. All he ever says is "don't be sad, Sara, it will happen for us." I HATE HATE HATE those words. Yeah it is all easy for everyone in the whole damn world to say that it will happen but they dont know! No one knows, and that is what kills me the most. Sometimes I want a hysterectomy so bad I can taste it...just because then there will be an absolution. Then there will be an answer...not the one I want....but at least an answer.....and that is all I want.

I have gone on. I should prolly head to bed and try to get some sleep. Maybe tonight my dreams won't revolve around the little girl in my head that I shall never meet. I will leave with this one last question. How can someone who has never lived, never breathed, never even died....still haunt me?

Bandit, Jobs, and the return of pain

Hey all! I know I haven't written too much lately, except to tell you all about Boy Cat. :(

Anyways, I am sitting here wishing it was spring so I could go outside and play with all my babies, but alas, Iowa is my enemy and the wind is cold and unforgiving. So instead I will sit in my warm bed with my animals who love me and write to all of you.

The last week has been rather busy actually. I decided after Boy Cat passed that is was time to get a job. I haven't worked in over a year because of pain, and although it has been under control for a little while now, I just haven't been ready. I think that I am now. Dan helped me update my resume and get it out there, and I got one! On Monday I start at the MDA helping to raise money for their yearly "lockup" program. Its only part time and temporary but I think thats a good thing...no reason to jump into things too quickly. I went and bought some new nice clothes to wear and actually had a decent time shopping for them with my sister Maggie. I am looking forward to getting out of the house a little bit and earning some money.

The other news is Bandit. I went out to the special needs kitty shelter with my sister-in-law because she was looking to adopt a kitty for when she gets her first apartment. I didn't think I was ready to get a new kitty yet, but Bandit just kinda gumped out at me. I came home and thought about it and talked it over with Dan and ultimately decided that I couldn't just leave him there. I got him two days ago. He is a domestic shorthair, black and white all over. I will post pictures of him as soon as I can, I can't right now as Dan keeps taking the camera with him when he leaves the house. Silly hubby of mine. Juno and Bandit are becoming fast friends...they both slept with Dan and I last night! I thought it was pretty cute, but I did miss my Sassy and she was giving me the cold shoulder this morning when I got up. That little one really does live up to her name! Sassy and Romeo are interested in Bandit, but not quite ready to make friends I think. I honestly don't think it will ever happen with Romeo....he just doesn't like kitties. Oh well, though, Bandit is making his was into my heart and our home, and I am glad I made the choice to get him. He is healing my hurt. I still miss my Boy Cat, though.

On the pain issue I have been having some random ovarian pain. I still can't really pinpoint if its something I need to worry about or not. There are worse things I suppose. Still sucks.

I have decided to go off the Lupron. I have thought long and hard about it as my hair falls out and the time since I was last able to make love to Dan gets farther and farther away. I just can't do it anymore. I am not sure what the long term plan is but I am definately going to try to get down to Atlanta for exsicion surgery. There has to be more options that dont involve these horrible side effects. There is always another choice, and although my family thinks I am crazy, no more Lupron for Sara.

My good friend Sonja lives in the Fargo area and was evacuated not long ago. This makes me really sad. Most of you know that last year my family and I lived through the worst flood Cedar Rapids has ever seen. I know first hand how horrible a flood can be and how long it takes to clean up and rebuild after one. My thoughts are with her and her family and everyone else who will be touched by this freak of nature.

So thats the last week or so. I really will try to update more often, but that is all I can write now as I really want my house to be clean when I start work and if I dont get off my butt and do it it wont get done cause lets face it, men are lazy. But that is a WHOLE other blog.