Boy Cat

This is the story of Boy Cat. April 14th, 2008-March 22nd, 2009

After my surgery in August I was really down and sad because I didn't have a baby. Dan brought me home my sweet boy after work one day and thought it would help. We did have dogs but they wouldn't cuddle with me on my lap nicely the way I needed after the surgery. I named "her" Calliope. My Callie Cat.

"She" played with the dogs and had fun and brought joy to all our lives for the short time "she" was here. The name changed after I saw his little balls and thought "jeez hes a boy!" but I couldnt come up with a good name so Boy Cat it was. Three months ago we brought home Alegra to be friends with Boy Cat and they ran and played and we just pretty much cute all the time. They slept in an empty drawer in the kitchen...when Boy Cat wasn't sleeping with Juno being VERY cute.

Last week Dan and I noticed the cats were getting outside somehow, and we found a small home that gave access to the outside through our bathroom, and although we thought we had it closed last night my sweet Boy Cat got out. We are still not sure what happened, whether it was a car or another animal or what, but here is what we do know.

At 1am Dan went to the bathroom and came back and woke me up to tell me there was blood all over the floor. I went and looked and we could hear Boy Cat crying somewhere behind the wall. After taking the wall off we found him, covered in bruises and blood. I scooped him up in a towel and we ran to the ER vet just outside of town. They took him back and did the initial exam. When the vet came out the first time he told us there was significant trauma and he thought either his spine was severed or his pelvis was seriously broken, but there was no way to tell without xrays. So we gave the permission for that and they pulled us back to look at them. My poor kitties spine was in two pieces, broken right above his hind legs. An injury like that is very hard and very unlikely to come back from. There was too much damage to his bladder to ever function again and it was filled with blood. The vet said it would be a slow, if painless (from the spinal injury) death. We made the desicion to put him down. My sweet Boy Cat was taken from my arms at 6:30 this morning, and the next time I see him will be in an urn.

This is my tribute to Boy Cat. He was sweet and affectionate and SO funny. He made me laugh when I needed and distracted the dogs when I needed a break. He made friends with any animal or person he came in contact with, and was the most laid back cat I have ever met...right till the end. He nursed from our Juno and even though it was silly we let it happen, because it seemed to be a comfort for both of them. He kept my belly soft and warm after my surgery and kept my heart warm in the months we had him. He knew where home was and even after injury he knew where to come to get the help and love he needed to leave this world painlessly. Although I will miss him terribly, I am trying to remember the good things he brought to my life in a very hard time.

My mind is reeling over this loss. I can't seem to accept it yet. I woke up this afternoon and asked Dan if it was a dream, because it still feels that way. I will never know why God took my kitty at this time in my life, when the loss burns even more. There are many tears to come. Please pray for me, as I have lost what I considered my child. And pray for his friends in this house, Juno, Sassy, Romeo, and Alegra. They will dearly miss their friend.

Update

I haven't written much in a long time. I have been pretty busy. I had my birthday on the 13th and since then I have been pretty much spending all my time "playing" with my presents. I got a new ipod and some rollerblades so I have been spending lots of time outside now that it is getting nice. I am not gonna lie...its really nice to be able to plan something and be able to do it without much pain. These days most of the pain is in my head. I have had a few breakdowns where I just cried uncontrollably because of the lack of babies and periods and the feeling that I am not a woman anymore. Dan and I are not having much sex...I can't seem to make myself enjoy it and even though I still give it up to him he still gets upset because I figure what the hell right? Apparently I either don't fake it well enough or something and so that is getting us into fights about that. Oh well, though, I can't help it so I guess it just comes with the territory. That is pretty much it. Therapy weekly and fights weekly and crying and trying to keep busy to prevent going out of my mind. I will try to update more for those of you who read this often. Peace out all!

Mostly I am pissed

For those of you who don't already know, today begins March, aka Endometriosis Awareness Month. This will be my first official March with an official diagnosis. Oh the joy. I want to go out there and spread the word and tell everyone I meet all about it...but mostly I am just pissed. Pissed that despite the friends I have made and the things I have learned, I shouldn't have to even know this word, Endo. I am 24 years old! I should be able to have a child when I want to and get a job when I want to and go shopping and clean and LIVE when I want to! I should not even know the things that I know about disease and my own body and other womens bodies and research and all this! Don't get me wrong, I am glad that this disease has opened my eyes to all the injustices in the medical community, and yet I am pissed that I even have to sit here thinking about it while chewing my nails down to nothing worrying about things that no one should ever have to worry about. Mostly I am pissed.

I will be 25 in two weeks. I should be happy. Mostly I am pissed because not only do I not have the child I wanted by the time I was 25 but I don't have the degree and the long hair and the smooth skin and the house and the debt-free life and the career and all mostly ANYTHING that I wanted by the time I was this age....and its all due to endo. And every freakin March for the rest of my life I will get one year older and have the thoughts of something that I should have by that older age but I don't have because of this freakin disease. Mostly I am pissed.

Please don't get me wrong, I am beyond happy that there is a whole month where people can spread the word and learn and teach about endo. I think its great. I also think that if someone would get off their ass and find a freakin cure already then the month of my birth would not only represent the passage of time in my life...but that horrible disease I once had that pissed me off all the time. Maybe I could plan a party and plans and have a martini and just be...happy. Maybe I wouldn't be mostly pissed.