New life

I got out.

Of Iowa, I mean.

Dan got a job in Fargo, North Dakota, and we have rented a very cute place exactly 1.6 miles from my BBF Sonja in Minnesota.

lol.  BBF.  Inside joke :)


Anyways, I am 9 hours away from the place that stifled me for all those years, and this is my new life.  My new start.  I may have finally started to find my way over the rainbow.  I am starting a new blog.  A new start.  This is not a goodbye, dear readers, but an invitation to join me on a new journey.  If you would like to come join me on my new blog, please email me at sarajculwell@yahoo.com and I will respond with the new location/web address.  Those with anything less than positive to say, and those who will use my words as an opportunity to judge and be mean are asked to kindly not ask for access.  Everyone else-come join me!!!

Have you ever put your whole head under the water in the tub?  With just your nose above the water to breath? There is this noise you hear when you do this.  It's like being inside a seashell.  White noise.  I hear this all the time.  It's strongest when I am staring off-losing time.

I have reached the point of depression when the thought of breathing is exhausting.  I stared at myself in the mirror earlier for long enough that my features blended together.

I am lost.

Let's take things point by point

The following was left as a comment from my mother on a recent post "sisters and other strangers."  At the risk of sounding like I am dwelling on it-I feel like I need to address the things that were said.  This was the comment-and I am going to take it line by line and set things right.

From my mother-
I just read this blog and must say that I am saddened and surprised by all that I have read. First of all, Sara yes you were scheduled to have your surgery on the date that your nephew was due. I suggested many times that you insist on moving the date of your surgery forward or back in order that it not coinside with the birth of your nephew. I felt that it would be very painful and a change of dates would make things easier for you. You insisted that they continue with the scheduled date in order to not delay and that was the same date that your sister was scheduled for an inducement. If you will remember, I left the c.r. hospital long before your sister gave birth in order to be with you during your ordeal. I was there before they even put you under and started the surgery and I was there when you came to. I stayed there with Dan trying to be supportive during the entire time. When you came out of surgery, noone said that you had a nephew, BEFORE you asked about your sister. Yes, Sara, you asked us if you had a neice or nephew.
I spoke with "N", just moments ago concerning this blog of yours and simply asked her about the fact that she was being used to represent a certain lifestyle. She said that she is not a member of any commiunity, organized group, or LGBT. She also stated that she prefered not to be used as a representation for such things. She lives her life, minds her business and does not appriciate being spoken so openly about on the internet without first being asked.
Noone has ever said Sara you were faking your illness. I myself said that I had only wished that I had taken you more seriously during your teen years and perhaps it would not have gotton so out of control. However, this illness started showing signs of being a real problem while you were married to your first husband, and if you will reacall, it was HIM who refused to get you the medical attention you needed. You Dad and I are the ones who insisted on your seeing another doctor, and we are the ones who paid for the visit in order to insure that you were heard. In refernce to your cousin, I remember that during that conversation, all that was said was that even though she was very ill, she worked in order that she might be able to pay for the necessary treatment in order to be well. NOONE ever said that "she went to school, and worked even though she was sick". And noone ever indicated that you were not ill. I am not certain what is to be gained by this misconscrewed information on the internet. I understand that everyone needs an outlet of sorts, but bringing the people who care about you the most and showing them as mean and ugly people who don't care hurts me greatly. There is noone is this ENTIRE world who was more broken and saddened by the fact that you will never bear children, than your Mother and Father. Please out of respect for us stop badgering your siblings, who by the way, love you every bit as much and remember the times when we have all been there over and over again to try and help you in anyway we could. Please stop the constant demeaning of my family and all those whom I care about.
We are sad that you are miserable. There is no pleasure in that knowlege for any of us. We have tried to reach out to you and be as supportive as possible. I honestly thought that this was all behind us, but then I came across this blog and was disapointed to discover that for whatever reason, you are still angry and bitter for the things that life has thrown at you. I was saddened to find that you are claiming to be agnostic. As far as your being liberal, in all honesty, you KNOW that we have alway's said we admire the fact that you think independently, and raised you to think for yourself. Having an opinion is a wonderful thing, and not necessaraly bad if it is different than what others think. But to take those thoughts and use them in a hurtful manner is doing just that, hurting others and unnecessary. It would my hope that you would direct your anger and frustration over this illness in another direction than your family, and that everyone might know that none of us are the bad guy's. We are simply the family that loves you, that wants what's best for you, and can do nothing to change your circumstances but would do anything to make it better for you. Do not dispise your sister because she has something that you do not. I have alway's said that your day is coming and your blessings await. Things that are personal are personal. They are not stupid people and they are not fooled by the use of initials being used as examples. Everyone in this family and their friends know our initials and which people you are speaking of. Please lets put a stop to this now before more feelings get hurt. Hurting those of us who care about you is not going to help the circumstances. We only love you and want what's best for you. I was so proud of the progress that you had made in dealing with things this past year. But this entire thing saddens me beyond belief, and it would be my hope that you find it in your heart to stop.




So here we go.  My response to you, dear mother of mine.  I know you will read this and I hope you take it to heart.




I just read this blog and must say that I am saddened and surprised by all that I have read. First of all, Sara yes you were scheduled to have your surgery on the date that your nephew was due. I suggested many times that you insist on moving the date of your surgery forward or back in order that it not coinside with the birth of your nephew. I felt that it would be very painful and a change of dates would make things easier for you. You insisted that they continue with the scheduled date in order to not delay and that was the same date that your sister was scheduled for an inducement. If you will remember, I left the c.r. hospital long before your sister gave birth in order to be with you during your ordeal. I was there before they even put you under and started the surgery and I was there when you came to. I stayed there with Dan trying to be supportive during the entire time. When you came out of surgery, noone said that you had a nephew, BEFORE you asked about your sister. Yes, Sara, you asked us if you had a neice or nephew.


You are saddened and surprised?  Why?  Nothing that has been written here is anything that I have not said to you or my sisters in person.  The fact that you think this is all brand new information just shows that you weren't ever listening when I talked about it.


Yes, I was scheduled on the due date.  And yes, I asked about moving the date, and I couldn't wait the month and a half that I would have had to wait if I had rescheduled.  Yes, it was very painful, but a change in the date was not an option, because I had already waited literally YEARS for a fix.  There was no moving it.  I don't blame Maggie for having the baby the same day-no one could have planned that.  I do remember that you were there with me.  I also remember sitting in the room waiting for surgery while you dictated the texts you were getting from CR about how the delivery was going.  I did ask if I had a niece or a nephew.  Just because I wanted to know if my sister was alright-that doesn't mean that I needed a play-by-play along with pictures on cell phones and details.  If you will remember-I was a little bit DRUGGED and perhaps those people in the room that were thinking clearly should have been a little more on top of watching what they said-whether or not the person on MORPHINE was asking for them to talk or not.


My hysterectomy was not an "ordeal."  It was a life-changing, mood-altering CHOICE that I regret most days.  It changed my life and my marriage and my faith and my outlook and my future.  It changed WHO I am.  To call it an "ordeal" is truly putting it lower than it deserves.  You wanted to be there for me during my "ordeal?"  Guess what, mother-it's still going on.  This "ordeal" will never be over.  And I am sorry-but being there for the physical event does not make up for the fact that you were not there for the psychological ramifications that I deal with still-and will deal with for the rest of my life.  It's like going to a funeral and then never calling the widow.  The fact is, you aren't there.  You weren't there.


Also, "noone" is not a word.  Neither is "neice."




I spoke with "N", just moments ago concerning this blog of yours and simply asked her about the fact that she was being used to represent a certain lifestyle. She said that she is not a member of any commiunity, organized group, or LGBT. She also stated that she prefered not to be used as a representation for such things. She lives her life, minds her business and does not appriciate being spoken so openly about on the internet without first being asked.


As far as Nancy goes-what on this green earth thinks that she would tell you she is proud to be who she is?  All she has ever heard from any of you is how wrong and immoral it is.  The fact is that she IS a member of that community.  When SHE asked me to stop referring to her as a member of it, then I will.  Until then, I will continue to support gay rights.  Even if my sister loved a man instead of a woman I would STILL support the cause, because unlike you, I believe that we are all equal and there are no "second class citizens" 


Noone has ever said Sara you were faking your illness. I myself said that I had only wished that I had taken you more seriously during your teen years and perhaps it would not have gotton so out of control. However, this illness started showing signs of being a real problem while you were married to your first husband, and if you will reacall, it was HIM who refused to get you the medical attention you needed. You Dad and I are the ones who insisted on your seeing another doctor, and we are the ones who paid for the visit in order to insure that you were heard. In refernce to your cousin, I remember that during that conversation, all that was said was that even though she was very ill, she worked in order that she might be able to pay for the necessary treatment in order to be well. NOONE ever said that "she went to school, and worked even though she was sick". And noone ever indicated that you were not ill. I am not certain what is to be gained by this misconscrewed information on the internet. I understand that everyone needs an outlet of sorts, but bringing the people who care about you the most and showing them as mean and ugly people who don't care hurts me greatly. There is noone is this ENTIRE world who was more broken and saddened by the fact that you will never bear children, than your Mother and Father. Please out of respect for us stop badgering your siblings, who by the way, love you every bit as much and remember the times when we have all been there over and over again to try and help you in anyway we could. 


Yes, Mother, Maggie did in fact, on more than one occasion, say that I was faking. In fact, you, on at least one occasion, told me that I was being a baby about it.  How nice for you to be able to blame my ex-husband.  You are so right, he wouldn't get me the care I needed, but that doesn't change the fact that when I was a CHILD and depended on YOU and told you there was something wrong YOU did nothing to help me.  Saying now that you wished you had listened is all well and good-doesn't that make you the perfect martyr of the situation.  And yes, you and Daddy paid for ONE visit to your doctor, where I was NOT heard, but only given more pain medication.


As far as my cousin-you are not remembering the conversation correctly.  I am not going to argue that-I know what was said.  But to say that she "worked even though she was ill to pay for the care she needed" is nothing more than a slap in the face to me and every other woman with this disease who is unable to work.  How dare you imply that if we were to go to work we could get the care we need?!  You have no right, and the fact that you would even say something so heartless and cold makes me ashamed to call you my mother.


As far as bringing the people who care about me most and showing them as ugly and mean?  I have shown you as you are.  I, in fact, have been BEYOND nice in the things I have said about you.  Your comments have done nothing except show people that I have painted you prettier than you actually are.  I have said nothing that isn't true.  If anything I have been less than honest about how things actually are-because I know you guys read this.  Rest assured-I no longer care what people think of you.  You made this bed.  You can lie in it.


Oh yeah, and no one hurts worse than you and Daddy that I can't have children?  You say this often, and you forget one thing.  ME.  I HURT WORSE THAN YOU.  Remember me, the one actually going through it?  The one who actually lost something?  Or how about my husband?  Remember him?  To say that no one hurts worse than you shows how selfish and ignorant you are.  How very sad.


I am not badgering my siblings.  If I was emailing them and calling them and yelling at them every day then you could say that I was, but I am not.  Seems to me that the ones "badgering" are you and Maggie.  YOU are the one who came to this blog and started badgering ME.  


You have not helped me in any way you could.  You COULD have, just once, acknowledged the fact that I lost something.  You could have supported me.  You could have NOT ripped into me and my friends for feelings that you know NOTHING about. 

Please stop the constant demeaning of my family and all those whom I care about.
We are sad that you are miserable. There is no pleasure in that knowlege for any of us. We have tried to reach out to you and be as supportive as possible. I honestly thought that this was all behind us, but then I came across this blog and was disapointed to discover that for whatever reason, you are still angry and bitter for the things that life has thrown at you. I was saddened to find that you are claiming to be agnostic. As far as your being liberal, in all honesty, you KNOW that we have alway's said we admire the fact that you think independently, and raised you to think for yourself. Having an opinion is a wonderful thing, and not necessaraly bad if it is different than what others think. But to take those thoughts and use them in a hurtful manner is doing just that, hurting others and unnecessary. It would my hope that you would direct your anger and frustration over this illness in another direction than your family, and that everyone might know that none of us are the bad guy's. We are simply the family that loves you, that wants what's best for you, and can do nothing to change your circumstances but would do anything to make it better for you. Do not dispise your sister because she has something that you do not. I have alway's said that your day is coming and your blessings await. Things that are personal are personal. They are not stupid people and they are not fooled by the use of initials being used as examples. Everyone in this family and their friends know our initials and which people you are speaking of. Please lets put a stop to this now before more feelings get hurt. Hurting those of us who care about you is not going to help the circumstances. We only love you and want what's best for you. I was so proud of the progress that you had made in dealing with things this past year. But this entire thing saddens me beyond belief, and it would be my hope that you find it in your heart to stop.

I have never once demeaned your family.  I have only told the truth about MY family, and how I am treated in it. If you find no pleasure in the fact that I am miserable, then please stop contributing to my misery.

DUH I am angry and bitter.  YOU HAVE NO IDEA.  You all walk around acting like I should just be over it.  I will NEVER be over it-all I can hope for is to one day be able to deal with it.

To say that you are saddened to find that I am agnostic like you didn't already know, again, shows that you never listen when I talk.  I have not believed in God for a long time now.  And to tell you the truth, even if I did, I would not want to be associated with you and your so-called "Christian" values that allow you to judge that which you do not understand.  You wonder why people think that Christians like you and Maggie are hypocrites?  Read the things you wrote to me-they are a perfect example of "Gods love."

I do not despise my sister for having something I can't have.  I despise that I can't have it.  None of you have ever understood that.  None of you have ever tried.

There will not be a stop to this.  I will deal with this forever, and I will deal with it the ways that work.  I will be honest, and I will continue to write.  I am sorry that you don't get it-and even more sorry that I have had to apologize for your behavior.

If your feelings are hurt by the truth about yourself, perhaps you should change that truth.

Alcohol

I am drinking tonight.  Till I can't feel the pain.  Slightly drunk-I still feel it.

Award!

I got an award!

The rules:

Thank and link back to who gave you the award.
Share seven things about yourself.
Award up to 15 bloggers, and let them know about the award.

So first, thank you Sonja!  I love you girl I would be lost without you!

Seven things about me-

1-My fingernails and toenails are always painted.  I have over 200 polishes.  My fingernails are a different color every single day, but my toes are always some shade of pink.  It's kinda my thing.

2-I blog about my nails and other beauty stuff here.

3-My hair is longer right now then it has been in years.  It is driving me insane-its all over the place and I have to constantly brush it to keep it tangle-free.

4-Monday is Valentines Day, which is also my three year wedding anniversary to the best guy ever!

5-I fully support LGBT issues...and not just because of my sister who is a member of that wonderful community.

6-I am the only liberal in my immediate family.  I am also the only agnostic.

7-I have 8 tattoos and 11 piercings.  And I want more.

Bloggers to award-

You Wouldn't even make an Omelet with Stale Eggs

Single Infertile Female

Jendometriosis

It's Time to Get Over How Fragile You Are

My Autoimmune Life

Thanks again for the award, Sonja, and to the rest of you, Congrats!

Sisters and Other Strangers

The past few days, since I had a fight with my sister over this blog, I have been thinking more and more about what it means to be the sibling who is sick.  My friend Sonja and I have talked about it-she has two brothers who will probably one day start a family of their own.  Watching siblings starting their own families can be torture on the infertile/barren/sick.

The first thing that I heard after I woke up from my hysterectomy was that my sister had given birth to a boy.  I had been saying for months that I just knew she was going to go into labor while I was in surgery, and everyone kept saying that I was being stupid.  Bigger than life-before I walked back to the delivery room, my mother got a text saying it would be soon.  When I woke up, broken and gutted-I asked my husband if everything was ok.  He said yes.  I asked about my sister.  He said "we have a nephew."

When my parents got back to see me (after driving 45 minutes to see her), the very first thing that was said was "do you want to see a picture of your nephew?"

Not really, mother, but ok, I will pretend to be happy at this moment.


Don't get me wrong, eventually I was happy, but mostly I just wanted to feel my own loss for just a few moments.

My siblings will have families.  I hope for nothing more than for M's children to grow happy and healthy, and I hope nothing more than for N to one day be able to legally marry a woman she loves and start a family of her own.  That all being said, I will still always be the sick one.  I will always be the one trying desperately to get them to understand-and always failing.

Once, after another large fight with M, I actually convinced her and my mother to sit down and talk about Endometriosis, PCOS, and Adenomyosis.  I brought all my books and research and journals and all kinds of things.  A whole bag full of information that I had been trying to share with them for months-and now I was finally going to get to.  M proceeded to tell me that (another M), our cousin, who also has endo, was able to get through school and work full time-therefore I must be faking or something.  She would not even try to hear me when I told her that this disease effects every single woman differently.  She refused to listen-refused to see things for what they were-and left in a huff.  My mother kept the books and info and read them, and for that I am thankful.  There were things that she didn't know-and at least she made an effort.

Then after this, when we had a family event in ND, we stopped in Fargo for the night, which was uber cool, because it meant that I was going to get to finally meet one of my best friends, Sonja.  My mother and M were sharing the room with me, and expressed interest in meeting her to.  Sonja and I went up to the room, and M said, and I quote, the following to her...

"I just want to say thank you so much for being there for Sara because I know how much she needs it and I know how much it helps her to have you there for her."


Um.

What?

M's big thing is that my online friends and blog friends who have endo all feed me.  I feed them.  We "feed off each other."  She says this often.  But when she is actually faced with another human being who suffers like I do?  Oh well then its all "I understand" and "thanks for the support."

Hypocrisy.

The whole thing is-I can't change it.  I can't make her see me for who I am, and I can't make her grow up.  But I can try.  I can try to get her to see who I am and what I am-and I suppose if she never gets it, then thats her loss.  Because lets face it-I am pretty damn cool.

Yet Another one

If I have to read one more pregnancy announcement of Facebook I am going to scream.  I don't care that people post about their happy news-but could they not WARN me ahead of time that they are going to be posting stuff?  Just now I was checking friends profiles and a very good friend of mine who has always been there for me and actually ASKED about endo and stuff is pregnant.

I don't care that she talks about it on facebook-but I feel like if it were me, I would tell people one-on-one-especially if I am telling people who I know will never be able to be as blessed as I am.

So congrats.

And thanks for the warning.

PS-
Hi dear sister...please get a life.

To be censored or to be honest....

My sister reads this blog.  She never comments or asks me about what I write about until something upsets her.  She is angry with me right now for my last post-where I talked about finding out that she is pregnant again.  Lost story short, I was told to stop writing about her.  I told her I would take the post down-but the more I think about it, the more sure I am that I am not going to be censored in order for those around me to feel better about themselves.

She pretty much told me that if this is the way I am going to be, then I can just be fine with not ever seeing my nephew or the other little one on the way.  Obviously I am not ok with that-I love my nephew and I will love the next one.  I tried to explain to her that I write about my life to deal with it, and if I really didn't care about her as she claims, then the things that happen between us wouldn't bother me.  I haven't heard back from her yet-she won't listen to me any other way, so I suppose this is my way of telling her-and the rest of my family who reads this and never mentions it till something is written they aren't happy with-this.

I will not be censored.  I write this blog to deal with the problems and issues in my life.  I write it to reach out to other people with the same problems and issues.  I write it to make friends-the kind of friends who ask me more often how I am doing than all of you put together.  I write it to HELP people.  I have had more than one person tell me that by reading this blog they are a better person-better prepared to face what is in front of them because they know that I am somehow getting through it.

I write about my life-and all of you are in my life.  Things that are said and things that happen between all of us affect my healing process-and if you were to be a little more open to hearing about things face to face-then perhaps I wouldn't have to write so in-depth about my life.  If you don't want the things that you do, say, think, feel, share with me to be shared here-THEN DON'T SHARE AT ALL.

This is my outlet-how I deal with things.  I come here and reach out to people when I feel like I have nowhere else to turn.  The women here don't tell me to deal with it or fight it or move on-they understand.  I don't get that anywhere else in my life-therefore I will not be changing what I write about or the way I write about it.

I don't use your names on here out of respect.  You asked me not to-therefore I don't.  But that is as far as I will go.  If you can't understand that then you no longer have to reach out and be a part of my life.  That would kill me inside, because I love each and every one of you-but I have to heal in the only ways that I know how.  And this works.  Writing about it works.  If I am given an ultimatum-to stop contact with you or to stop writing-know now that it will be an easy choice and you will not win.

And just so you know, I am writing a book.  It probably won't ever really be done and even if it is it may never see the light of day.  You are all in it.  I have changed your names but I have not changed events or facts.  I am writing it to deal-the same reason that I write this blog.

The fact is that I am sick.  I will always be sick.  I will always deal with that.  If you can't deal with that-then you know where the door is.

I will not be censored.

I will be honest.

Again it never ends

My sister is pregnant again.  I found out when I went to spend the day with her, my mother, and my nephew, and we had to make a "quick stop at the doctors" for my sis.  While she was back in the office and I was trying not to cry while watching my nephew make faces at me, my mom started the conversation that went something like this....

Mom-Do you know why she is here?

Me-I dunno med check or something?

Mom-She's going off her meds

Me-Good for her.

Mom-Do you know why she's going off her meds?

Me-Well I would imagine that shes better enough now that she doesn't need them or something like that.

Mom-Remember when she said they were going to try again?

Me-Yeah, I guess she can't try while on BC and anti-depressants.

Mom-She's pregnant.

Me-Are you kidding?

Mom-No, are you ok?

Me-No.

She's due in August.  I haven't seen her since.  Not on purpose I guess, just haven't had a reason to reach out and see her.  I don't need to go through it again.  Last time she was pregnant there was still a very small chance that I could get pregnant too.  There was still that glimmer of hope.  This time, there is no possibly way.  And I can't watch her go through another pregnancy knowing that it will never be me.

I am going back into therapy.  I never meant to really stop before, it was an insurance thing that I couldn't help.  Anyway we are poor enough now that there is funding for me to talk out the crazy.  I am very slowly losing my mind.  Maybe when I finally get there I will be able to forget.  It never ends.

When I was young my mother used to tell me that she hoped I had a child "just like you!"

Apparently I was a handful or something.

Then I would say to her that it didn't matter because I was never going to have any kids.  I didn't want them.

I would kill for a little girl just like me.

Long Time, New Blog, New year coming soon

I have been bad about writing.  I have been spending so much time with school and my new beauty blog and everything that I feel like I have ignored you all, and for that, I am truly sorry.

I promise to get something written up over the next day or two to let all of you know how things have been going with my health, my marriage, and all that other overly interesting stuff that you all tune in to read about.  In the mean time, check out my other blog....its my way of holding on to my womanhood AND sharing my love a beauty products with the world!

Studio Sara Jean 

Talk to you all soon!!!!

ps---how are all of you?

I miss you....

Eugene Alvin Hilbers
May 17th, 1932-July 30th, 2010

Rest in Peace Grandpa.

Thank you to my friends who have shown their support during this time, especially Sonja, who listened to me bitch and cry and talk in circles every night for a week while I dealt with family......

I will return to blogging as soon as I feel up to it.

A jabbering post....

Ok I lied.  I didn't write the next day.  I am not purposely keeping anything from any one or something like that, its just that not only does my internet not work right (a problem that WILL be remedied tomorrow by the cable guy, lest I shoot him), I am being hot all the time and I can't seen to make myself think in a way that would make any sense were I to type it out.

I read the last real post I wrote, and there isn't much new to say.  I went to my gyno a few weeks ago and she is insisting that I do not need estrogen and won't even try me out on it until my migraines are under control and treated by someone other than her.  Great.  Bring on the three weeks of waiting for an appointment and the four visits to the ER since she put me on the evil Norethindrone thinking that it was going to help the hot flashes and mood swings.  News flash...it doesn't.  All this med does is give me more frequent and stronger migraines, but all I can do is wait for August 4th when I see someone else about actually getting on the Imitrex injectable I was on before.

Menopause still sucks big time.  Like UBER big time.  I am moody and irritable and I am running at about 1,000,000.1 degrees at all times.  And of course our A/C is broken (never really worked).  Its so humid in our apartment that there is literally water on the floor of the kitchen and bathroom.  The kitties lick it up.

Did I say kitties?  Plural kitties?

Thats right followers....there is a new member of my family!  Her name is Rogue, and I have spent an hour trying to upload her picture on here but like I said, I am paying for internet that doesn't actually work, so maybe tomorrow after "sometime between 5 and 7" we will be able to meet this sweet girl of mine!

I have been really trying lately to hold on to my girlishness.  I put on my favorite Hard Candy lipgloss and my nail polish and whatever large gaudy ring I feel like wearing that day (THIS is a fine example of my taste in jewelry lol) and I go about my day.  I suppose it helps...the whole looking good thing.  If nothing else it gives me something to do for awhile in the mornings before it gets too hot.

Everyone should head over to the online auction going on know to benefit and Endo Sister named Amber who is needing a hyst and due to health issues cannot get insurance.  Its a great cause, and I donated one of my paintings to be auctioned off.  My only bid so far is from my friend Sonja, who also donated this wonderful blanket.  So head on over there and make a bid on these and the other cool things to raise money for an awesome cause!

Thats all for now folks...time for my 4th shower since I have been awake...love those cold few minutes every day!

Back Online and Back to Blogging

Ok, so its been awhile.

Too long.

I have been without internet, and without the will to really write at all.  Even my journal is slightly empty considering life is still life, which means it pretty much always has something to write about.

Either way, I am here again.

Perhaps tomorrow all you beautiful people will get another few lines put together by yours truly.

Till then I am off to dream.

IComLeavWe May 2010

I could say where has May gone, but this is the first month I will be doing this!

Ok, so this marks my return to blogging after a little break because of my marriage hitting a rough patch.

I have tons I want to say, so I will prolly just write something up later after I am done with the million things I have to do today, in the meantime, check things out, and I will get some of my "good" posts up so you can get a better intro to ME!


UPDATE!

Ok, I know I said I was going to update later yesterday, but instead I am updating today, and I also have to catch up on my commenting and what-not, because I spent all day yesterday cleaning and running.

Yes, I run now.  No big deal.

At the risk of killing my typing ability before I get to comment on everyone elses bloggies, I have compiled some posts that pretty much tell the whole story.....

My What If
Basically my what if about what if I wasn't all broken and barren and what-not inside.

To Stop Trying
Basically the point that everyone on the TTC journey reaches one point or another, mine was reached with my hyst a couple months ago

Mothers Day Letter
a letter I wrote to the birth mother of my one-day child...I can't even really read it without getting all teary :(

Other than those, lets see.....

Dan and I are good.
I still love my Sassy and Bandit more than the world.
oh yeah...
and I run now.


No big deal!

Break

As much as I love my blog and my readers and writing, I think I am going to have to take a break from writing for awhile.

I will explain more later, and please no one be surprised if I can't stand it and I have to write something before I am actually ready to and it comes out as some jumbo that doesn't really make any sense at the time.

Like that last sentence.

Wish me luck.

I have to go try to save a marriage.

Done

I have left Dan.  We are separated.  I won't get into it here but I will say this.

I may be a bitch.

I may be overemotional and crazy right now.

I may not be processing my loss as well as I should.

I may deserve to be yelled at sometimes.



But I WILL NOT be disrespected in a physical manner, no matter now little it may seem.

I am BETTER than that.

Saturday Songs #2

"The River"
Written by Garth Brooks and Victoria Shaw
Album-"Ropin' The Wind" and "Double Live"

You know a dream is like a river
Ever changin' as it flows
And a dreamer's just a vessel
That must follow where it goes
Trying to learn from what's behind you
And never knowing what's in store
Makes each day a constant battle
Just to stay between the shores...and

I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry

Too many times we stand aside
And let the waters slip away
'Til what we put off 'til tomorrow
Has now become today
So don't you sit upon the shoreline
And say you're satisfied
Choose to chance the rapids
And dare to dance the tide...yes

I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry

There's bound to be rough waters
And I know I'll take some falls
But with the good Lord as my captain
I can make it through them all...yes

I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry

Yes, I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
'Til the river runs dry

So there is a video for me to post, but I am writing this from Dans parents house and they have a limit on the internet that can be used per day...those of you who have been following me for more that awhile know this from when I was living here with them.  Stupidz Internetz!

Anyway, this song has always been one of my favorites.  So has Garth Brooks.  His songwriting is just PHENOMENAL, I can't think of one song of his that I don't just really appreciate, if not love.  So here is my take on this one....

The whole "dream is like a river ever changing as it flows" really rings true, doesn't it?  This dream for me to be a mother has changed.  LOTS.  You know when I was a kid I used to tell my mother that I never really wanted children.  Mostly I think I told her that because she used to say to me all the time that she hoped I have a child "JUST LIKE YOU!"
(Let it be known that I think I am pretty alright and would love a kid like me...bring on the challenge!)
Anyway, I got off....

So I never wanted kids, then I kinda wanted kids only not with my ex-husband, and then I really wanted kids, and now I can't have kids.  Still want them.  But my river took another path.  A really rocky, downhill, white water, off limits to those rafters with any sanity path, but still, another path.

"Never knowing whats in store."  Who ever really knows whats in store?  I know that I, for one, have no idea whatsoever.  I don't know if we will adopt from foster care or adopt an infant or just be foster parents the rest of our lives.  At this point I don't even know if I have the energy to have kids at all, ever.  The choice to remain child-free has crossed my mind more than once these days, and it is an option I am exploring, if not yet actually talking it over with Dan yet.

"Each day a constant battle just to stay between the shore."  No shit.  Every single day I am fighting to stay between the shores of this dream.  Every single day I wonder what is going to happen next.  Every single day I think about where I am going and where I have been.  This line rings SO true.

So I don't know where this river is taking me, but I know that I am going to fight like hell to stay between the shores of it, and fight even harder to get to the end of it; where it meets this other river that I will have to navigate.  That river is called parenthood.

There's bound to be rough waters
And I know I'll take some falls
But with the good Lord as my captain
I can make it through them all.
~Garth Brooks

ps-The "Double Live" CD is AMAZING!

Weekend Update, With Sara The Infertile...

This week when Sara asked Dan what she was supposed to eat at his sisters birthday party at the steakhouse, with her being a vegetarian, he came back with the best answer ever.

"They have fish!"

(ensue laughing)


Sara plans on seeing her mother today to pick something up. She hasn't seen her in over a month due to a falling out over her very hard choice of getting a hysterectomy, among other things.

Like lying.

(never lie to your children, especially one week after the hardest choice ever.  Now you can laugh, cause after all, what else are we gonna do?)



And to leave you all with nightmares for the rest of eternity, I give you the bug I found on my foot the other night.  I give you....SATAN.

Meet SATAN, a, evil-hate filled creation of the bug world sent here simply to cause Sara many nights of wondering how on earth something so evil could have ever made it to the perfectness that is her pink-manicured foot.  He enjoys stealing souls, giving nightmares, and the occasional deal of eternity in hellfire traded for various useless items such as concert tickets or even more blog followers!  (don't worry folks, I turned him down.  I prefer to increase readership by the sheer talent that is me!)  To contact SATAN,  Please contact Bandit....

as he ate this particular form of SATAN with great zeal.  And then threw him up all over Sara's floor.  Poor kitteh.  Please remember, dear kittehs of the world...eating SATAN is eating EVIL.


That is all.  Stay tuned for a "Saturday Songs" post later.



(All artistic renderings of SATAN and his evil doings are drawn and copyrighted by ME.  Please contact me for any contract work needed for you next event where a picture of SATAN is needed.  What better for your evil-themed birthday party than a life-sized portrait of the evil one himself?)

HA!

Love you all!

Even if there is nothing to laugh about, laugh on credit.  ~Author Unknown

Friday Follow #2 AKA 100th post!

For this weeks Friday Follow I would love it if everyone headed over "Hannah Wept, Sarah Laughed".
The woman who write this blog is just amazing. For her What IF project she did the most powerful video I have ever seen on the subject of infertility. The thing about her video that got to me the most was her asking "what if my story helps millions?"

That is why I write this blog.

To help. To reach out and connect with others going through the same things or even people who are just curious and want to learn more about it.

Long story short, Keiko is going to be around for awhile, and I would like to thank you for all the wonderful work she is doing.  The blogging world, and the world in general, would be a more hollow place without her.