"Eh, whatever"

So I went out to some garage sales today with my mom. She knew that Dan was going out to look for work and I would be alone and I am pretty sure from the way she acted all day that she is sure I am going to off myself over Maggie being pregnant. I don't need to off myself....I am already dead.

So anyways we are at this garage sale and there is a large table with lots of baby things on it, and even though it hurt like hell I thought maybe there would be cute things that we could pick up for them. So there was this really nice crib that was hardly used and was just super nice (the kind that turns into a toddler bed, then a twin, and so one) and it was only 20 bucks so I said to my mom that we should get it for her. So she calls Maggie and her and Tyler (her husband) are sitting at the DHS office (because why not have a kid when you can't afford it, right? Everyone else does) and my mom asks if we should pick it up. Maggie asks Tyler and he says "NO, I dont want a USED crib and we have NINE months. Umm...yeah. You are sitting there at the DHS office getting FREE FUCKING MONEY because you are broke ass people and you are going to turn your nose up at a FREE CRIB?!?!?! Needless to say I was pretty pissed. So after that we keep seeing all these baby things that Mama wanted to buy and I finally had to go to the car and stay there because it was about killing me that here my mom wanted to buy all these baby things for them and they are just stupid stupid stupid and I am not pregnant and my life blows.

So THEN Dan and I are sitting there when Tyler brings their dog over (because they cant even take care of their dog by themselves, so yeah, they should have a baby) and I didnt say anything to him because I knew that I would cry...so Dan says "Tyler congrats man." and Tyler says "Eh, whatever" and rolls his eyes. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME???????? The man has no idea how lucky he is and even if he is stupid enough not to realize it he should have enough respect for us not to say "whatever" when we swallow how sad we are to tell him congrats. Stupid Stupid Stupid little boy who is about to be the father of my first niece or nephew. So not only did she get knocked up before me....she let a broke retard do the knocking up. SO PISSED!

Update

I added pics to my post about Backbone...there are tons more on my facebook if you want to go check them out!

Dead

My sister is pregnant.

Help

Ok anyone who knows how to get one of the cool blog templates from online to on here would you PLEASE let me know!

Backbone State Park

So I said I would blog about my trip to Backbone state park with Dan and Vicky, and late is better than never...so here goes!

So the other day was one of those very few and far between beautiful days in Iowa. None of us wanted to sit around here all day and waste the pretty weather, so we decided that we should head to Backbone and do some hiking and general outdoorsy stuff.

The park is like an hour from here (the middle of nowhere) and when we got there, although we were disappointed at the large number of people there, we were excited. I had never been and Dan hadn't been since he was young, so Vicky was acting as our guide. I hate it here so much, but I will say that being there reminded me that there is beauty in all things if you are willing to look for it.

The first thing we did was head to Backbone Cave. Vicky had been there before and said it was pretty cool. For those of you who don't know I suffer from a slight case of claustrophobia, so before I saw the thing I was not even sure that I was going to head in...but I figured I would give it a shot.


*note* I have been trying for three days to get pics of all this to come up with no luck....so you may have to use your imagination on how things looked.

So we get into the cave and I actually did really well, heading about halfway back before I had to turn around and find the light again. I think if I wasn't so scared of the small space it would have been pretty cool to be in there longer and enjoy the cool things there were to see. Either way the cave was cool and we spent about an hour going in and out and talking to people there.

After the cave we went on the "cave trail" that goes up over the cave and around again. It was pretty cool...more like actual hiking then just walking on a trail (my muscles hurt BAD the next day). Dan got some pretty cool pictured of wildlife and plants and when we got back to the car we were pretty filthy so we headed to the stream to wash off.

The streams at this park are super cool. All the bridges are underwater bridges so its like tons of little waterfalls everywhere you go. We hung out on the bridge and did some wading around for awhile and then headed to the springs.

Richmond Springs were SUPER COOL! Its this spring that shoots out 2000 gallons of water every minute and send the water to all these streams that the cool bridges are over. The water is a constant 48 degrees and there are trout EVERYWHERE. You can see all the fish cause the water was crystal clear. Apparently the water used to be piped to the hatchery in the park but they have since closed it...so no baby fishies for Sara...although Vicky and I did crawl around in the holes that were left.

After the springs we went to the "beach" where the stream was calm and sandy and did some wading. There is a series of pictures of me where it looks for sure like I am falling and almost did....but I caught myself every time. I got pretty wet and tired and despite Vicky wanting to go on the other trails we called it a day after that...I was pooped and in some pain.

I was pretty stoked that I made it was far as I did, even though at the end I felt bad for having to cut everyone elses day short because I was in pain. I guess I have to take what I can get, and the other day I got a fun day with my handsome husband and his silly sister. I will try to post those pics again, although with the internet here I am not going to guarantee anything. Till next time! Peace!

Blog coming tonight...

I planed to blog about my recent trip to Backbone state park, but the internet is being stupid and now I have to wait till free access time at 1 am to get my pics to upload for it....so there will be one in a few hours!

This is copied lol

Okay so I am having to write this in office so that I am sure if blogger decides to be stupid yet again and delete my post then I will be able to go here and have it without having to re-write everything.....
So here we go again...
We aren't moving to Florida, as most of you know, because Dan couldn't find a job and we are pretty much too broke to do anything. Where are we living then, you may ask, as I spoke before of selling our home to be able to move. Well, folks, I am 25 years old and living with my in-laws. Thats right, I am sleeping on a mattress in the middle of the basement where the whole world can see me and I have to go behind the water heater to change my clothes. I have no privacy, and not only do I have nothing really to my name, all the things that are here are nasty. Thats right, packrats. Not that there is anything wrong with keeping everything that you ever got in your entire life....whatever...to each their own...you should, however, should you chose to keep these things, keep them clean. I kid you not I have to walk over dirty dishes to even get to the sink. I cleaned the whole kitchen one day...top to bottom...took me all day, literally. What did it get me? A day of a clean kitchen. Three days later I was walking over the dirty ones all over again. Do they mind living like this? Apparently not, being as I have yet to see anyone do anything to make it any different.
There is no cable here. One would think that that would prevent this next problem, and yet it doesn't seem to. It doesn't matter what time of day it is, where everyone is at, or what anyone is doing, the TV is ALWAYS on full blast. There are times (more than once a day mind you) that I will go in the living room to the TV on as high as it will go on some stupid public TV channel because that is all we get...and there is no one watching it!!! Just no one...not even a dog sitting in the room. So what do I do? I turn the damn thing off. Three hours later I get hollared at for turning the TV off! Hello?!?!?!?! There was no one watching it! GOD! Oh, and could I EVER watch the news around here? Nope, we don't care about what is going on the the world around here because Barney is on. Yes, Barney. I kid you not. So I have to read my news on the internet, that is when it is working....
The internet is never working here. We live in bum-fuck Iowa so the only internet we have is the kind where if it decides you have had enough internet for today it just stops working. Or if it is cloudy it stops working. Or rainy, or windy, or sunny, or if it is just having a bad day and wants to piss Sara off, it stops working. Why is this important? Because since I am STILL stuck in this stupid state and we live so far outside of stupid town that I can't afford to drive to class everyday the only way I can be a full time student is to take....you guessed it...online classes. Well, so that is all shot to pot so I am only part time. No difference, though, because we all know its only a matter of time before the dreaded “E” word comes barreling back into the center of my life instead of just staying in the sidelines as a minor annoyance...
The “E” word we all know is Endometriosis. For the longest time I thought that it was at least simmering down for awhile. Wrong. Yesterday was such a pretty day that Dan, Vicky, and I decided to go hiking and check out backbone park (I will blog about that and post pics here when the internet is workign lol) and about halfway up this mountain thing I started to have cramps. I didn't complain though because I know that everyone gets timed of hearing me complain about being hurt and I know that Dan was eexcited that it was me who suggested the trip in the first place, cause usually I would never think of it because of the pain. So today, despite the good time, I am stuck pretty much in bed, and I have no internet because, like we learned earlier, my life sucks here.
So that is pretty much all she wrote for now. I really did have a good time at Backbone and I will write more later just about that so there are some happy things for my readers to read about. I will be posting more often now, I think, being as there is nothing better to do and I am stuck in this horrible place I may as well try to be entertaining to others. I will write more soon, till then I wish my Endo and PCOS sisters a pain-free day and the rest of you a good afternoon!!! Peace!

GAHHHHHHHHH

it did it AGAIN!!!!!!!

GAH

I just spent an hour writing a blog and it erased it....

I will try again tomorrow

IT

I can't make myself not think about it. For a few weeks there I would go hours or even days at a time without thinking about how I am broken and weak. These days I can't seem to think of anything other than that. I can't even look at myself in the mirror for more than a few seconds because I can't stand what I am seeing anymore. All I see are my failures and my faults. And there are so many of them. I feel so very old and jaded....and I hate myself for it.

I don't even know where to start.....

How do I begin to even describe how I am feeling these days?? With an update on everything...

FLORIDA
For those of you who don't know a few weeks ago Dan and I sold our home in anticipation of moving to Florida so that I could continue my schooling and we could not be in the pit of hell that is Iowa anymore. Long story short...Dan got offered tow jobs but neither paid well enough for us to move there on and so now here we are with nothing but clothes, pets, and a few kitchen things living in his parents basement with just a curtain between his sister and us so that even if I felt like it (which I don't lately) I can't put the moves on him unless the light across the curtain is out and we are sure she's asleep. How long are we here for you may ask? Who freakin knows. The pit of hell apparently wants to keep its hold on me for a little longer and whatever....whats a few more months of not being able to leave the house without being reminded that every single day is just one day closer to my death here in the pit of hell? Whats a little longer misery to me? I hate this.

ENDO
I went of the Lupron a few months ago and last week my period was actually on time. Bring on the pain. I haven't been in pain like that in awhile and the only thing that I can say about it is that at least it was only for a few days. I am still pretty sure that I have endo on my sciatic nerve because my stupid legs both went out on me at about day three and stayed that way through the end. I can feel it inside me, growing every month, every day even. Its never gonna go away and even if I can for one moment forget that I am not a mother and maybe never will be the knowledge that my femininity has been stolen from me is always there in the front of my mind. I would love to find a treatment that actually works while not fucking with my head, but sadly, no luck yet. The doctors want me to go back on the Lupron, that there was no other option and another surgery was out of the question. I told them to shove it to hell and am now on the search for someone new again that will listen. It will never end.

PCOS
Nothing new here....my left ovary always hurts. Always.

So there ya go folks. There is prolly way more news than that but lets face it....the only thing I see is the children I can't have and the pain I am in all the time....what else is there? This is not rhetorical people.....someone PLEASE tell me what there is other than this constant heartache.

Lovely Blog Award!!!

Ok I have not been as good as I should have been about keeping people updated...but tomorrow I promise I shall!

I just received my first blog award from my good friend Jenn! I am supposed to put the logo on here but I can't figure it out so I suppose I shall wait till I can to get that up and to give the award on. A big thanks to her for the award....it makes me feel extra special!

And again, I promise tomorrow I shall update everyone on all the exciting news!!

Post Mothers Day Update

Ok I know I haven't really written anything in awhile and what better time than today? I am not going to go into detail about what happened...Sonja knows the horror that was Sunday. I don't want people reading the details all over the internet so lets just say...it could have been worse, but just barely.

Everywhere I looked there were families. They were fishing and hiking and just being happy spending the one day in Iowa that it was beautiful together. Every time I tried to think of happy things and go to my happy place there were children there too. Of course it does not help that of all days my period decided that Mothers Day is the day to come raging back into my life and bring with it the kind of pain that brings me to my knees. I didn't need the pain to bring me to my knees that day, I was already there. How can those of us with this pain be expected to be the bearer of gifts and flowers and pretend like we are happy for those who are lucky enough to have what we have been denied? How am I supposed to sit there and watch mothers yelling at their children for them just being children and not be completely pissed off? Do they now know how lucky they are? Do they not know that there are those of us whose bodies just don't do what they are supposed to do, and therefore we will never get that miracle? I would KILL for my child to spill his milk or lose a shoe or even mouth off to me. No one who has this joy seems to know that that is exactly what it is...a joy that they should cherish and love and be thankful for every day of their lives. There is no way to describe how painful it was for me...except to say if I EVER hear another women whine about the pain of childbirth I am going to scream...because yes, that may have hurt, but imagine Mothers Day without being a mother.

Sassy saved me really. She sat on my lap and walked beside me and even hiked for a little bit with me without doing her usual prissy thing where she does what she wants when she wants. She licked my face and jumped in my arms when I said "come to mommy." She even got me a card and a photo, although I suppose daddy helped with that...but what three-year-old doesn't need help with that? :)

I am already dreading next year, although I figure that if I got through this one maybe I can do it again. But I will never ever EVER look around a restaurant or park on a family holiday and wonder why there are always just a few that look like they want to kill themselves or someone else, because I have been that person, and will prolly be again.

So that was the dreaded day. If you want more details cause you like the juicy stuff lol...and trust me it is...message me or gimme a call or whatever, y'all know how to reach me. I am off now to pretend like it doesn't still hurt. Wish me luck.

Happy Fucking Mothers Day

If I see one more freakin baloon boasting congrats to women who are not broken everywhere I am going to scream! As if it isn't enough that I have to listen to the woes of the stupid women who don't know how lucky they are in the grocery store line complaining about sore nipples are something equally tragic, I also have to run about doing errands as if there is some sort of arrow pointing at my head saying "LOOK!!! An infertile woman!!! Lets make her feel worse, shall we?" GRRR. I will post more when I have the time and my computer isn't dying but until then, I propose a holiday....the holiday of "Shut the fuck up and keep your kids at home so I don't have to feel any more sorry for myself!"

This is what I think of packing.....

it BLOWS

The Plan

We are selling everything that we can part with....including the trailer. We are moving in with Dans parents till we sell enough to move. We are getting the hell outa here. I can't be here anymore. Its breaking me....always has been. Thats the plan. Now you all know. Warmer days and NOT Iowa here we come.

Charity begins.....in the unempoyment office

I got laid off. Apparently the good people at the MDA have decided that they don't need to pay 5 temps to do what three salaried employees can do for free (kinda, you know what I mean). Either way, it blows and now Dan and I are both unemployed. How fantastic. He has a new temp job starting in two weeks but my question is what the hell are we supposed to do until then? And even after then, as the new job is only 4 hours a day 10 bucks an hour. That works out to us being 2,000 bucks in the hole every month, assuming that I stop all meds and we don't eat. If I stop blogging its because I had to cancel my internet and I have killed myself because of the lack out outside contact. Have I mentioned lately that I HATE MY LIFE?

The holiday of childless people

Just so everyone out there knows....if I see one more little kid looking for an Easter egg I am going to scream.

Why is it that every single holiday is marketed at kids? I used to meet these holidays with the joy that maybe that would be my last one without a child to share it with. Now they all just annoy me. How is it that they can take any freakin holiday and turn it into something to do with children? I want to know where the childless people holidays are. The holidays where all of us, either by choice or circumstance, who don't have children, get together and exchange gifts and drink and be merry and have a good time without the pregnancy of the world literally shoved in our faces. Where is this day. Perhaps I should make it today, in which case, I am off to buy more wine and be merry with myself.

There isn't much else to say. I hereby claim today the day of childless people. Have fun....if you still can.

Headaches and Heartache

I have a headache. It started yesterday as a dull inconvenience and has slowly grown into a raging roar right behind my right eye. I blame my new job. Its not hard by any means...pick up the phone, pitch, and up the phone after getting yelled at. Really no biggie. Note to all, though...if I charity calls you and you are genuinely too cheap or lazy to help out, please just tell the person on the other line the truth, rather than going into some really long rant about how I, 500 miles away, should have known now to call in the middle of your AA meeting while you mother is dying and your dog is going through Prozac withdrawal. I hate my life sometimes.

I have to stay, though. We woke up this morning to freezing cold and no hot water...problem? No gas. Solution? A check that is sure to bounce driven across town in the wee hours of the morning while I cry about not wanting to go to work and Dan convinces me to go in. We need the money. I need excision surgery like no one would believe, and I need the hell out of Iowa even more. Neither one of those things happens without me working and earning more money, therefore, I stay. Please don't misunderstand, though, its a great cause and when I get a "yes" I feel really good that I am doing my part. When I get a "no," "fuck off," or the more usual than you would think "I don't believe in charity," I feel like wow I hate my life and would just as soon stay at home and call random people in the phone book and ask them to donate to the "Sara needs gas to take a hot shower cause she has a headache cause of cheap-ass people" fund. What do I tell myself to get through the day? Nothing. I pretend it isn't me and that the life I am living is the dream and the dreams are my life. This has been working out well for me...although its put me in therapy....all the more reason to keep working I suppose.

Where is the heartache I spoke of in the title? I am so glad you asked. Its not really anything new. Just the usual "I hate my life why can't I have a baby why does everything suck so damn much" rant that so many of you have already heard before. Mostly it just sounded cool in the title, and it worked, cause here you are reading this. Now all I need is some baby food company to pay me lots of money to advertise on my blog to make the irony come full circle.

There really isn't much else...I have to go clean my house and clean my hair with cold water...I hate being dirty. I will close with the ever popular I hate my life....and wish you readers a happy Easter and hope that tomorrow the sun will shine brighter. Although it probably won't because I live in the land of never-ending Winter that is Iowa. *Sigh*

Sara's rules for commenting...

okay, those of you who are normal followers and frequent supporters, this is not meant for you...this is meant for those who do not know me personally and have never spoken to me except through this blog....

I have endo sisters and close friends that I ask for opinions when I want them. For those of you who only know me because of this blog, you don't really know me. When I want to reach out and ask for other peoples opinions I will do so...until then please leave your uninformed thoughts to you own blog.

Yes, I did drugs when I was younger, and yes, I am aware that is wasn't good for me. Just who the hell do you think you are, telling me what was and wasn't good for me? Trust me when I say that there are plenty of people in my life that make me feel guilty for my past choices, myself included, and I do not need those who have never even spoken to me telling me what they think I should have could have would have done. I am not an idiot and I am well aware. For you to imply that the reason I am in the boat I am in is because of choices I made when I was younger makes you just as ignorant as those who knew me then and think the same thing. Until you are in MY shoes, you have no place to judge.

If I need religious advice I will be sure to ask those who I know and trust. If I choose to believe or not to believe in certain deities that is my choice. Again, there are plenty of people in my real life who thrust their uneducated opinions in my face on a daily basis. My relationship with God is between me and God, and no one else. While I appreciate the prayers you so kindly offered, that is all that is needed. Please keep your opinions on religion and God to those who ask.

I am well aware of the treatment options that are available to me, and I alone will make the choice when and if to pursue those options. You are not my doctor, and you are not one of my trusted friends, so until you are either of those, please offer your thoughts to someone who asked for them. If I choose a particular treatment, even if you think it is stupid, please either be my friend and support me or don't be my friend and don't-but shut up about it. AGAIN, I have plenty of people in my own family that think they know what is best for me and my body, and I don't listen to them, either, except to take their thoughts into consideration. Those thoughts that I use to make my own decision come from those who I trust, not those who have only known about me what I have chosen to share in this blog. If you look at my reasons for starting this blog you will see that I am NOT a doctor, nor do I claim to know any better than one what is best for someone else. I would never come to your blog and disrespect a choice you have made regarding your own treatment, so please give me the same respect.

Please do not send me links to "helpful" website that do nothing but advocate your own opinion. What you chose for your own research is your choice, and I respect that. Please show me the same consideration, and please know that I know PLENTY of site, thank you very much.

This last bit is meant not only for the inconsiderate person whose mean thoughts are no longer in my comment section, but for anyone who comes across this who knows someone who is suffering from infertility......

The LAST thing any of us want or need to hear is that we are young and to stop stressing. That is just mean, uneducated, and disrespectful. If I hear one more time that I should just adopt I am going to SCREAM! I am well aware that that is an option for me, along with the millions of other women in my situation. We are ALL aware of this, and while that may be an option in the future...COULD YOU PLEASE LET US GRIEVE OUR LOSS!!!!!!!! It is not always the loss of future pregnancies we are grieving. While that is at the top of many lists, there are dozens of other things that hurt us just as badly and until you are US (which, by the way, is impossible) you will never know. Things bother me that don't bother friends I have even though we are all suffering the same problems. No two people are the same, and to assume that adoption is an option for everyone is just the same as assuming the best way to quit smoking for one person is the same for all smokers. Please, if you know and/or love someone who is suffering from infertility, please only offer your opinion on family building when you are asked. We do not need to hear about the options.....we are all aware of them.

There are those of you reading this who know this is not directed towards you, and to those...I LOVE YOU TO PIECES! You are my friends...and I don't know what I would do without you.