When it rains.....its a fucking blizzard

I am currently writing this from my parents house cause Dan and I are snowed in. Here by choice, though, because they are 20 miles closer to town then us. Anyway it has been snowing all day and even though I am trying not to think about it I can't help but think I am supposed to be a mom.

I was supposed to be pregnant last Christmas. I was supposed to get pregnant with no problems. I was SUPPOSED to never see an Iowa snow again. Now here I sit in my mothers living room trying not to cry while it snows a foot and a fucking half and I take my birth control pill because everyone seems to think that it helps. I hate this shit.

Fucking snow.

Fucking Iowa.

Fucking infertility.

Fucking endo.

Fucking blizzard that is my life.

Snowing

It's snowing here in Iowa. I was never supposed to see an Iowa snow again. I am still here...and the cold embrace of winter is here again.

Award!

I just got this award from Sonja at


The Rules:

* Share 7 things that you don't already know about me.
* Name 7 other blogs to receive this award.
* Leave a comment on each of the blogs I nominated.
* Thank the person who gave you the award.

Seven whole things huh???

1-As hard as it may be for those who follow to believe...I used to not want children. When I was a teenager my mom would say to me all the time she hoped I had a kid just like me and I would tell her it will never happen because I am never having kids.....guess I should have never said those things huh?

2-I drink my skim milk with ice in the glass through a straw. I don't think this is strange but others seem to.

3-I put all my favorite facebook games on my husbands account as well so I can send myself the gifts I want...it drives him crazy

4-All of my clothes are second hand or under 10 dollars. Yes, all of them. Even my Silver Jeans I found two pairs of for 8 bucks each :)

5-I am so bad about taking my meds every day that I have a site email me a reminder ever night

6-I am awake right now because the stupid internet only works sometimes in the middle of the night cause I live in the middle of nowhere in the middle of Iowa

7-Middle is my word of the day :)


7 Other Blogs...

1-Carrie at [carrotspeak.]
http://address-the-world.blogspot.com
I always look forward to a post from this future best-selling author

2-The Daily Nail
http://daily-nail.blogspot.com
A different nail polish design every day for a year...I wish I had this patience!

3-Miriam at Hannah Wept, Sarah Cried
http://hannahweptsarahlaughed.blogspot.com
I came across this blog through Sonja and I am loving it

4-Gina at On The Road to Baby
http://ginalou.blogspot.com
Gina and her hubby Kev recently conceived while battling endo AND pcos....an inspiration to those like me with both.

5-Alex at The Ins and Outs of Endo
http://theinsandoutsofendo.blogspot.com
A look at endo with some laughing in there as well!

6-Alyce at At Home with Books
http://athomewithbooks.blogspot.com
I just recently found this one and really enjoy it because her tastes in books seem to run along my own.

I don't have 7 because everyone else I would nominate has already been given this award! Congrats to those I chose and keep up the entertaining me!


Sonja....Thank you so much for this award. Your friendship and support has meant so much to me this past year and I am grateful and blessed to call you friend.

One more "little death"

I read once about the "little deaths" that infertility brings every month. The familiar wetness between your legs that brings with it the red of death...the death of your chance to conceive that month. Even though I know that the chances are so low they are almost not even there...there is still that one little part of me that thinks maybe this time will be the time.

I started birth control pills this last month. Even though I knew the white pills were coming they still caught me by surprise. Last night I took the first one, and today the pain came just like every other time, and tonight...my little death.

Is it still a death when I know that that stupid pill makes it even more impossible? Is it still something to mourn when there was never anything there to begin with? Even though I know through months of therapy and talking with friends that I have every right to feel this way...I still feel guilty.

I feel guilty that I have all these things to be thankful for and yet all I can think about is everything I don't have. I feel guilty because the only thing I could ever want for Christmas no one can ever give to me, and I hate that. I feel guilty that I can't look at myself in the mirror and see who I am and not some broken woman. I feel guilty that I can't make love to my husband and enjoy it because all I can think about is how nothing will come of it but one simple moment of pleasure. Thats almost the worst of all...because I know he deserves something better than that.

I am on these magic pills that are supposed to make everything better. I always said that I would never go on anti-depressants again and yet here I am taking the little blue pill they keep increasing the dosage of in some attempt to make it work better. Right next to those stupid birth control pills. And the pain pills. And the anxiety pills. And the nausea pills. And the pills pills pills. Why is it that these little things are supposed to make everything ok? Nothing is getting any more ok than it was before the pills, so why still take them? Why still pretend that tere is some end to this feeling inside, and these stupid things are going to help me get there?

I know I shouldn't complain so much. I know that the doctors are trying to come up with the "right" dosage and all that crap...but its been months! When am I going to start feeling better? When am I going to be able to look at all the good things in my life and not just the bad. I am about to move out of this basement and into our own apartment. Dan just got a great job, and things are finally starting to look up. And all I can think is broken.

Broken.

Broken.

Broken.

Its not just my womb anymore. Its not just my useless body now. Its me. I, me, myself...WHO I AM....is broken.

So what is the little death? Is it the fact that another month has gone by without the blessing I pray for daily? Or is it me? Am I just a series of little deaths? When will they stop? When will I be a life again?

Thanksgiving

I am thinking of all the things I am thankful for this year....these are in no particular order :)

Dan-he makes my world go 'round

Sassy-She is my little white knight...I love her more every day

Bandit-My sweet boy who came home to me!

My Mom-My best friend and truest mirror.

My Dad-My biggest fan

Maggie-even though we don't always get along, I love her

Nancy-My little sister who is not so little anymore

Vicky-My SIL who has shown me real sisterhood

Sam-My SIL who has shown me the joy of food

Joe and Susan-Dans parents who have taken me in as their own

Ham-I am always thankful for ham

So many other things......

What are YOU thankful for?

Ignorance

I would like to post today about the ignorance and stigma that unfortunately still surround chronic illness. As much as I wish it wasn't this way, I get up and face the battle of fighting the win-less fight every day. For those of you who are faithful followers you know the battles I face...but for those of you who are just stopping by now and then to check up on me to use my posts to hurt me...let me enlighten you.

A chronic illness is basically one that will not go away. I have many, if you think about it. I have Endometriosis, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, Migraines, and recurrent Pelvic Inflammatory Disease. None of these has as cure really to speak of, only treatments that sometimes work and sometimes don't. I have been on many different treatments without much success. Let me tell you (those who are too ignorant to educate themselves) about what my days are like.

IF I am lucky enough to wake up without pain I am never able to make it to the bathroom without it coming on. I have spots of Endo and adhesions on my bladder and bowels, and it is painful to have a full bladder or have a bowel movement. On the worst days I sometimes have blood in my urine and stool, and while in your world this would be cause for concern, for me it is just par for the course. I have to watch what I eat for breakfast and how much of it I eat because there are many foods that either trigger a migraine or are too heavy, starchy, or just plain hard for my diseased bowels to pass. With my breakfast I take 17 supplements to replace the nutrition I am losing from not eating the foods that you can eat. Along with that I take a non-narcotic pain killer, whether the pain is bad yet or not, just to stave off any pain that is waiting to pop up. Then I get on the internet and check my many sites where I communicate with other women who have the same issues. Yes, I spend hours talking with them, but they help me, and I hope I help them. They are my friends, and some of the very few people in my life who if they don't actually suffer, at least educate themselves about the disease I battle because they love me. And that is my morning.

I could go on but, unfortunately, like the unpredictable pain does, it has come again and now I have to go take more pills and get in the hot bath before my head betrays me with a migraine. I will post my afternoons later...if I don't hear from you before then with the apology for your ignorance that I am owed.

I would die for that

I just found the best song for saying how I feel...I shall post the link and lyrics now.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JqfGqOx2iDQ


Jenny was my best friend.
Went away one summer.
Came back with a secret
She just couldn't keep.
A child inside her,
Was just too much for her
So she cried herself to sleep.

And she made a decision
Some find hard to accept.
To young to know that one day
She might live to regret.

But I would die for that.
Just to have one chance
To hold in my hands
All that she had.
I would die for that.

I've been given so much,
A husband that I love.
So why do I feel incomplete?
With every test and checkup
We're told not to give up.
He wonders if it's him.
And I wonder if it's me.

All I want is a family,
Like everyone else I see.
And I won't understand it
If it's not meant to be.

Cause I would die for that.
Just to have one chance
To hold in my hands
All that they have.
I would die for that.

And I want to know what it's like
To bring a dream to life.
For that kind of love,
What I'd give up!
I would die for that.

Sometimes it's hard to conceive,
With all that I've got,
And all I've achieved,
What I want most
Before my time is gone,
Is to hear the words
"I love you, Mom."

I would die for that.
Just to have once chance
To hold in my hands
What so many have
I would die for that.

And I want to know what it's like
To bring a dream to life.
How I would love
What some give up.
I would die ...
I would die for that.

Soooo....

I know I said I would post yesterday, but now I can't even post today because my period is here and I can barely sit here to say sorry to all of you for not making good on my promise to update. I really will try this weekend.

oh how I need...

to try to update more often. It just seems like every time a get a few minuted they are taken up by something. So here I am letting you all know that tomorrow I PROMISE to get a post up about everything that is going on.....till then just pray for me

Here is Autumn....and an update

For once I am about to make good on my promise of posting the next day. I will try to tough on everything that has been happening lately, as I know I have been lacking in my updates.

My pain is slowly but surely getting to be constant again. For almost 6 months I have been able to get through the days without much pain, and I can see now that eventually I will be right back where I was before...constantly in pain. Although I know this is coming, I am hopeful that I will be able to continue to go to school and spend time with my family. This is my hope.

I see my sister often, and even as much as it pains me to see her glowing as she does, I am trying my best to be happy and prepare myself to be the best aunt I can be. When I see little trinkets that I would love for my own child I try to get them for hers. I smile when she shows me her ultrasound pictured and complains about morning sickness, and I keep my tears for Dan and I at home. I cry often for my loss that seems to be her gain. She has everything I have ever wanted, and it pains me so. My only comfort is knowing that even though it has not happened yet, I WILL be a mother one way or another, and I hope that the wait will make it all that sweeter.

School is going better than I thought it would. I am doing my best and it is paying off in good grades. I am hoping the constant pain will not come back before I can get through this semester, and I am currently spending lots of time looking at prospective schools to transfer to. My current first choice is a school in Florida that offers a five year Bachelors/Masters program in Biology. There is still much planning to do before I make a decision, but every day brings me closer to getting my degree and doing something with my life. On a side note I would like to say that even though science is what I choose to study the most of...I HATE CHEMISTRY! I spend most of the time in that class wishing that I was sitting in Biology or even Math, because those I am so much better at.

My furry ones are doing well. Sassy follows me wherever I go and I seldom leave without her beside me. She is one of the few constants in my life, and I love her more than I can put into words. God sent her to me to be my baby until he sees fit to bless me with one of my own. Bandit spends most days outside chasing bugs and laying in the sunshine, and at night he sleeps beside us. He is the best cat in the world (although I am sure Sonja would say otherwise hehe) and I love him.

Other than that there is nothing else of interest happening, and although I am busy with school I hope to update more often, but for now I am off to snuggle with the most handsome man in the world and to love the ones dear to me, for they seem to be all I have these days.

Too Tired

I fully intended on a post tonight, but as you all can see I have made my blog all pretty and as much as I want to continue on the computer tonight, I have a handsome man and two furry things in my bed that are calling to me...so tomorrow the update shall come.

WARNING-CONTAINS PICTURE OF ICKY FOOT STITCHES

So since I have written last I cut my foot. I know, I know, those who actually know me know that this isn't exactly headline news, because I am indeed a klutz who doesn't watch where she is going as she should. Anyways, I was on the phone and walking out of my bedroom when I stepped on (I think) a shelf bracket. It didn't even hurt when I did it but as soon as I saw it I knew I was in trouble time. A very large piece of the skin on the bottom of my foot was hanging off. Lovely, I know. So I had to get 7 stitches in the bottom of my foot. The picture is only to see how many of you I can freak out lol!

Awake

I can't sleep. I wasn't feeling well this afternoon so I took a rather long and super comfy nap with my Bandit and Sassy...although I am paying for it now because I am wide awake...although grateful to my friend Jenny for being awake and chatting with me at this ungodly hour! There isn't really much to say that I didn't say in my last post, other than my shoulder is kinda achy and I am worried about my grandfather. He isn't doing so well and is in the hospital up in North Dakota. I am hoping and praying that he pulls through....

My shoulder is sore from digging up this horrid bush at my mothers the other day. I dug it up good....but now my shoulder is killing me.

So thats all I guess...I am gonna go eat something now cause I am feeling shaky....

Thankful

believe it or not folks...I am here. Still. I was going to move my blog but that turned out to be more of a pain in my ass than I wanted it to be so here I am writing here again. I would have written sooner but the stupid server hasn't let me on for weeks and I just spent the last hour reading up on my bloggy friends! So here I go with an update for all of those who care....

Dan

Dan and I are actually doing really well. The fighting has stopped for the most part and we are getting along great. Most of the time I look at him and think I have done nothing to deserve something so wonderful...and I am thankful.

Bandit and Sassy

What can I say? I love them, they love me, we play, we cuddle....they are my children for now and I am thankful

School

I started school last week again...giving it another shot at my Biology degree. It is going well, and I have only missed one class due to pain, and for that, I am thankful.

Zoloft

My doctor has put me on Zoloft to help with the depression. I don't think it is doing anything yet but everyone else seems to think it is..so I guess for that I am thankful.

Maggie and the Baby

Although it kills me every time I think about the fact that I am barren, I am trying very hard to be excited about being an Aunt. I will strive to be the best one I can be and hopefully I will do that little baby justice. I love my sister and I am thankful that her and my family are being understanding about how hard this is for me. I am thankful she is healthy so far, and I hope for a safe delivery of my first little nephew (yes, I KNOW its a boy lol)

Finally!

For those of you who have been following me I am sorry for the delay in getting a post up...stupid blogger hasn't let me log in for like a week! I have decided not to move my blog, cause fuck that...if someone doesn't like what I have to say then they don't have to read it. I will no longer be a slave to what mean people think. I am too tired tonight to write a full update, but I promise tomorrow I will sit down and really get it done...love you all!

Anyone want to know.....

why I hate it here in the pit of hell? this is why.

http://www.kcrg.com/news/local/52924272.html

Blog has moved!!!

Okay peeps this is it! I will continue to blog here on blogger as it is being imported to my new blog. However if there is content that I don't want certain people to see I will only be posting those on my new blog site, so you will have to go there to read it. These posts will be password protected and the information to access it will only be given to those trusted people who ask. It will not be given to those who wish to use my feelings and what I write to exploit me. My email is saraculwell@yahoo.com if you want to access info!

Blog Moving...

So I will be moving my blog to someplace else, being as there are eyes reading it that it was never meant for...Hi Maggie, Happy reading. For those of you who are avid followers, I will be letting you know where to access the new blog. For those of you who are only reading to have something to throw in my face and make me feel bad.....look elsewhere.

Today

I had to see my sister today. All hell hit the fan. I am seriously not ok....although after the yelling stopped I was able to sit there and talk about names and didn't cry till she left. I am just not ok.

Thinking.....

I hate my life