Journeys Over the Rainbow

New life

2011-07-20T20:48:00.000-07:00

I got out.

Of Iowa, I mean.

Dan got a job in Fargo, North Dakota, and we have rented a very cute place exactly 1.6 miles from my BBF Sonja in Minnesota.

lol. BBF. Inside joke :)

Anyways, I am 9 hours away from the place that stifled me for all those years, and this is my new life. My new start. I may have finally started to find my way over the rainbow. I am starting a new blog. A new start. This is not a goodbye, dear readers, but an invitation to join me on a new journey. If you would like to come join me on my new blog, please email me at sarajculwell@yahoo.com and I will respond with the new location/web address. Those with anything less than positive to say, and those who will use my words as an opportunity to judge and be mean are asked to kindly not ask for access. Everyone else-come join me!!!

2011-02-13T19:33:00.000-08:00

Have you ever put your whole head under the water in the tub? With just your nose above the water to breath? There is this noise you hear when you do this. It's like being inside a seashell. White noise. I hear this all the time. It's strongest when I am staring off-losing time.

I have reached the point of depression when the thought of breathing is exhausting. I stared at myself in the mirror earlier for long enough that my features blended together.

I am lost.

Let's take things point by point

2011-02-12T10:41:00.000-08:00

The following was left as a comment from my mother on a recent post "sisters and other strangers." At the risk of sounding like I am dwelling on it-I feel like I need to address the things that were said. This was the comment-and I am going to take it line by line and set things right.

From my mother-
I just read this blog and must say that I am saddened and surprised by all that I have read. First of all, Sara yes you were scheduled to have your surgery on the date that your nephew was due. I suggested many times that you insist on moving the date of your surgery forward or back in order that it not coinside with the birth of your nephew. I felt that it would be very painful and a change of dates would make things easier for you. You insisted that they continue with the scheduled date in order to not delay and that was the same date that your sister was scheduled for an inducement. If you will remember, I left the c.r. hospital long before your sister gave birth in order to be with you during your ordeal. I was there before they even put you under and started the surgery and I was there when you came to. I stayed there with Dan trying to be supportive during the entire time. When you came out of surgery, noone said that you had a nephew, BEFORE you asked about your sister. Yes, Sara, you asked us if you had a neice or nephew.
I spoke with "N", just moments ago concerning this blog of yours and simply asked her about the fact that she was being used to represent a certain lifestyle. She said that she is not a member of any commiunity, organized group, or LGBT. She also stated that she prefered not to be used as a representation for such things. She lives her life, minds her business and does not appriciate being spoken so openly about on the internet without first being asked.
Noone has ever said Sara you were faking your illness. I myself said that I had only wished that I had taken you more seriously during your teen years and perhaps it would not have gotton so out of control. However, this illness started showing signs of being a real problem while you were married to your first husband, and if you will reacall, it was HIM who refused to get you the medical attention you needed. You Dad and I are the ones who insisted on your seeing another doctor, and we are the ones who paid for the visit in order to insure that you were heard. In refernce to your cousin, I remember that during that conversation, all that was said was that even though she was very ill, she worked in order that she might be able to pay for the necessary treatment in order to be well. NOONE ever said that "she went to school, and worked even though she was sick". And noone ever indicated that you were not ill. I am not certain what is to be gained by this misconscrewed information on the internet. I understand that everyone needs an outlet of sorts, but bringing the people who care about you the most and showing them as mean and ugly people who don't care hurts me greatly. There is noone is this ENTIRE world who was more broken and saddened by the fact that you will never bear children, than your Mother and Father. Please out of respect for us stop badgering your siblings, who by the way, love you every bit as much and remember the times when we have all been there over and over again to try and help you in anyway we could. Please stop the constant demeaning of my family and all those whom I care about.
We are sad that you are miserable. There is no pleasure in that knowlege for any of us. We have tried to reach out to you and be as supportive as possible. I honestly thought that this was all behind us, but then I came across this blog and was disapointed to discover that for whatever reason, you are still angry and bitter for the things that life has thrown at you. I was saddened to find that you are claiming to be agnostic. As far as your being liberal, in all honesty, you KNOW that we have alway's said we admire the fact that you think independently, and raised you to think for yourself. Having an opinion is a wonderful thing, and not necessaraly bad if it is different than what others think. But to take those thoughts and use them in a hurtful manner is doing just that, hurting others and unnecessary. It would my hope that you would direct your anger and frustration over this illness in another direction than your family, and that everyone might know that none of us are the bad guy's. We are simply the family that loves you, that wants what's best for you, and can do nothing to change your circumstances but would do anything to make it better for you. Do not dispise your sister because she has something that you do not. I have alway's said that your day is coming and your blessings await. Things that are personal are personal. They are not stupid people and they are not fooled by the use of initials being used as examples. Everyone in this family and their friends know our initials and which people you are speaking of. Please lets put a stop to this now before more feelings get hurt. Hurting those of us who care about you is not going to help the circumstances. We only love you and want what's best for you. I was so proud of the progress that you had made in dealing with things this past year. But this entire thing saddens me beyond belief, and it would be my hope that you find it in your heart to stop.

So here we go. My response to you, dear mother of mine. I know you will read this and I hope you take it to heart.

I just read this blog and must say that I am saddened and surprised by all that I have read. First of all, Sara yes you were scheduled to have your surgery on the date that your nephew was due. I suggested many times that you insist on moving the date of your surgery forward or back in order that it not coinside with the birth of your nephew. I felt that it would be very painful and a change of dates would make things easier for you. You insisted that they continue with the scheduled date in order to not delay and that was the same date that your sister was scheduled for an inducement. If you will remember, I left the c.r. hospital long before your sister gave birth in order to be with you during your ordeal. I was there before they even put you under and started the surgery and I was there when you came to. I stayed there with Dan trying to be supportive during the entire time. When you came out of surgery, noone said that you had a nephew, BEFORE you asked about your sister. Yes, Sara, you asked us if you had a neice or nephew.

You are saddened and surprised? Why? Nothing that has been written here is anything that I have not said to you or my sisters in person. The fact that you think this is all brand new information just shows that you weren't ever listening when I talked about it.

Yes, I was scheduled on the due date. And yes, I asked about moving the date, and I couldn't wait the month and a half that I would have had to wait if I had rescheduled. Yes, it was very painful, but a change in the date was not an option, because I had already waited literally YEARS for a fix. There was no moving it. I don't blame Maggie for having the baby the same day-no one could have planned that. I do remember that you were there with me. I also remember sitting in the room waiting for surgery while you dictated the texts you were getting from CR about how the delivery was going. I did ask if I had a niece or a nephew. Just because I wanted to know if my sister was alright-that doesn't mean that I needed a play-by-play along with pictures on cell phones and details. If you will remember-I was a little bit DRUGGED and perhaps those people in the room that were thinking clearly should have been a little more on top of watching what they said-whether or not the person on MORPHINE was asking for them to talk or not.

My hysterectomy was not an "ordeal." It was a life-changing, mood-altering CHOICE that I regret most days. It changed my life and my marriage and my faith and my outlook and my future. It changed WHO I am. To call it an "ordeal" is truly putting it lower than it deserves. You wanted to be there for me during my "ordeal?" Guess what, mother-it's still going on. This "ordeal" will never be over. And I am sorry-but being there for the physical event does not make up for the fact that you were not there for the psychological ramifications that I deal with still-and will deal with for the rest of my life. It's like going to a funeral and then never calling the widow. The fact is, you aren't there. You weren't there.

Also, "noone" is not a word. Neither is "neice."

I spoke with "N", just moments ago concerning this blog of yours and simply asked her about the fact that she was being used to represent a certain lifestyle. She said that she is not a member of any commiunity, organized group, or LGBT. She also stated that she prefered not to be used as a representation for such things. She lives her life, minds her business and does not appriciate being spoken so openly about on the internet without first being asked.

As far as Nancy goes-what on this green earth thinks that she would tell you she is proud to be who she is? All she has ever heard from any of you is how wrong and immoral it is. The fact is that she IS a member of that community. When SHE asked me to stop referring to her as a member of it, then I will. Until then, I will continue to support gay rights. Even if my sister loved a man instead of a woman I would STILL support the cause, because unlike you, I believe that we are all equal and there are no "second class citizens"

Noone has ever said Sara you were faking your illness. I myself said that I had only wished that I had taken you more seriously during your teen years and perhaps it would not have gotton so out of control. However, this illness started showing signs of being a real problem while you were married to your first husband, and if you will reacall, it was HIM who refused to get you the medical attention you needed. You Dad and I are the ones who insisted on your seeing another doctor, and we are the ones who paid for the visit in order to insure that you were heard. In refernce to your cousin, I remember that during that conversation, all that was said was that even though she was very ill, she worked in order that she might be able to pay for the necessary treatment in order to be well. NOONE ever said that "she went to school, and worked even though she was sick". And noone ever indicated that you were not ill. I am not certain what is to be gained by this misconscrewed information on the internet. I understand that everyone needs an outlet of sorts, but bringing the people who care about you the most and showing them as mean and ugly people who don't care hurts me greatly. There is noone is this ENTIRE world who was more broken and saddened by the fact that you will never bear children, than your Mother and Father. Please out of respect for us stop badgering your siblings, who by the way, love you every bit as much and remember the times when we have all been there over and over again to try and help you in anyway we could.

Yes, Mother, Maggie did in fact, on more than one occasion, say that I was faking. In fact, you, on at least one occasion, told me that I was being a baby about it. How nice for you to be able to blame my ex-husband. You are so right, he wouldn't get me the care I needed, but that doesn't change the fact that when I was a CHILD and depended on YOU and told you there was something wrong YOU did nothing to help me. Saying now that you wished you had listened is all well and good-doesn't that make you the perfect martyr of the situation. And yes, you and Daddy paid for ONE visit to your doctor, where I was NOT heard, but only given more pain medication.

As far as my cousin-you are not remembering the conversation correctly. I am not going to argue that-I know what was said. But to say that she "worked even though she was ill to pay for the care she needed" is nothing more than a slap in the face to me and every other woman with this disease who is unable to work. How dare you imply that if we were to go to work we could get the care we need?! You have no right, and the fact that you would even say something so heartless and cold makes me ashamed to call you my mother.

As far as bringing the people who care about me most and showing them as ugly and mean? I have shown you as you are. I, in fact, have been BEYOND nice in the things I have said about you. Your comments have done nothing except show people that I have painted you prettier than you actually are. I have said nothing that isn't true. If anything I have been less than honest about how things actually are-because I know you guys read this. Rest assured-I no longer care what people think of you. You made this bed. You can lie in it.

Oh yeah, and no one hurts worse than you and Daddy that I can't have children? You say this often, and you forget one thing. ME. I HURT WORSE THAN YOU. Remember me, the one actually going through it? The one who actually lost something? Or how about my husband? Remember him? To say that no one hurts worse than you shows how selfish and ignorant you are. How very sad.

I am not badgering my siblings. If I was emailing them and calling them and yelling at them every day then you could say that I was, but I am not. Seems to me that the ones "badgering" are you and Maggie. YOU are the one who came to this blog and started badgering ME.

You have not helped me in any way you could. You COULD have, just once, acknowledged the fact that I lost something. You could have supported me. You could have NOT ripped into me and my friends for feelings that you know NOTHING about.

Please stop the constant demeaning of my family and all those whom I care about.
We are sad that you are miserable. There is no pleasure in that knowlege for any of us. We have tried to reach out to you and be as supportive as possible. I honestly thought that this was all behind us, but then I came across this blog and was disapointed to discover that for whatever reason, you are still angry and bitter for the things that life has thrown at you. I was saddened to find that you are claiming to be agnostic. As far as your being liberal, in all honesty, you KNOW that we have alway's said we admire the fact that you think independently, and raised you to think for yourself. Having an opinion is a wonderful thing, and not necessaraly bad if it is different than what others think. But to take those thoughts and use them in a hurtful manner is doing just that, hurting others and unnecessary. It would my hope that you would direct your anger and frustration over this illness in another direction than your family, and that everyone might know that none of us are the bad guy's. We are simply the family that loves you, that wants what's best for you, and can do nothing to change your circumstances but would do anything to make it better for you. Do not dispise your sister because she has something that you do not. I have alway's said that your day is coming and your blessings await. Things that are personal are personal. They are not stupid people and they are not fooled by the use of initials being used as examples. Everyone in this family and their friends know our initials and which people you are speaking of. Please lets put a stop to this now before more feelings get hurt. Hurting those of us who care about you is not going to help the circumstances. We only love you and want what's best for you. I was so proud of the progress that you had made in dealing with things this past year. But this entire thing saddens me beyond belief, and it would be my hope that you find it in your heart to stop.

I have never once demeaned your family. I have only told the truth about MY family, and how I am treated in it. If you find no pleasure in the fact that I am miserable, then please stop contributing to my misery.

DUH I am angry and bitter. YOU HAVE NO IDEA. You all walk around acting like I should just be over it. I will NEVER be over it-all I can hope for is to one day be able to deal with it.

To say that you are saddened to find that I am agnostic like you didn't already know, again, shows that you never listen when I talk. I have not believed in God for a long time now. And to tell you the truth, even if I did, I would not want to be associated with you and your so-called "Christian" values that allow you to judge that which you do not understand. You wonder why people think that Christians like you and Maggie are hypocrites? Read the things you wrote to me-they are a perfect example of "Gods love."

I do not despise my sister for having something I can't have. I despise that I can't have it. None of you have ever understood that. None of you have ever tried.

There will not be a stop to this. I will deal with this forever, and I will deal with it the ways that work. I will be honest, and I will continue to write. I am sorry that you don't get it-and even more sorry that I have had to apologize for your behavior.

If your feelings are hurt by the truth about yourself, perhaps you should change that truth.

Alcohol

2011-02-11T21:05:00.001-08:00

I am drinking tonight. Till I can't feel the pain. Slightly drunk-I still feel it.

Award!

2011-02-10T11:27:00.001-08:00

I got an award!

The rules:

Thank and link back to who gave you the award.
Share seven things about yourself.
Award up to 15 bloggers, and let them know about the award.

So first, thank you Sonja! I love you girl I would be lost without you!

Seven things about me-

1-My fingernails and toenails are always painted. I have over 200 polishes. My fingernails are a different color every single day, but my toes are always some shade of pink. It's kinda my thing.

2-I blog about my nails and other beauty stuff here.

3-My hair is longer right now then it has been in years. It is driving me insane-its all over the place and I have to constantly brush it to keep it tangle-free.

4-Monday is Valentines Day, which is also my three year wedding anniversary to the best guy ever!

5-I fully support LGBT issues...and not just because of my sister who is a member of that wonderful community.

6-I am the only liberal in my immediate family. I am also the only agnostic.

7-I have 8 tattoos and 11 piercings. And I want more.

Bloggers to award-

You Wouldn't even make an Omelet with Stale Eggs

Single Infertile Female

Jendometriosis

It's Time to Get Over How Fragile You Are

My Autoimmune Life

Thanks again for the award, Sonja, and to the rest of you, Congrats!

Sisters and Other Strangers

2011-02-10T11:02:00.000-08:00

The past few days, since I had a fight with my sister over this blog, I have been thinking more and more about what it means to be the sibling who is sick. My friend Sonja and I have talked about it-she has two brothers who will probably one day start a family of their own. Watching siblings starting their own families can be torture on the infertile/barren/sick.

The first thing that I heard after I woke up from my hysterectomy was that my sister had given birth to a boy. I had been saying for months that I just knew she was going to go into labor while I was in surgery, and everyone kept saying that I was being stupid. Bigger than life-before I walked back to the delivery room, my mother got a text saying it would be soon. When I woke up, broken and gutted-I asked my husband if everything was ok. He said yes. I asked about my sister. He said "we have a nephew."

When my parents got back to see me (after driving 45 minutes to see her), the very first thing that was said was "do you want to see a picture of your nephew?"

Not really, mother, but ok, I will pretend to be happy at this moment.

Don't get me wrong, eventually I was happy, but mostly I just wanted to feel my own loss for just a few moments.

My siblings will have families. I hope for nothing more than for M's children to grow happy and healthy, and I hope nothing more than for N to one day be able to legally marry a woman she loves and start a family of her own. That all being said, I will still always be the sick one. I will always be the one trying desperately to get them to understand-and always failing.

Once, after another large fight with M, I actually convinced her and my mother to sit down and talk about Endometriosis, PCOS, and Adenomyosis. I brought all my books and research and journals and all kinds of things. A whole bag full of information that I had been trying to share with them for months-and now I was finally going to get to. M proceeded to tell me that (another M), our cousin, who also has endo, was able to get through school and work full time-therefore I must be faking or something. She would not even try to hear me when I told her that this disease effects every single woman differently. She refused to listen-refused to see things for what they were-and left in a huff. My mother kept the books and info and read them, and for that I am thankful. There were things that she didn't know-and at least she made an effort.

Then after this, when we had a family event in ND, we stopped in Fargo for the night, which was uber cool, because it meant that I was going to get to finally meet one of my best friends, Sonja. My mother and M were sharing the room with me, and expressed interest in meeting her to. Sonja and I went up to the room, and M said, and I quote, the following to her...

"I just want to say thank you so much for being there for Sara because I know how much she needs it and I know how much it helps her to have you there for her."

Um.

What?

M's big thing is that my online friends and blog friends who have endo all feed me. I feed them. We "feed off each other." She says this often. But when she is actually faced with another human being who suffers like I do? Oh well then its all "I understand" and "thanks for the support."

Hypocrisy.

The whole thing is-I can't change it. I can't make her see me for who I am, and I can't make her grow up. But I can try. I can try to get her to see who I am and what I am-and I suppose if she never gets it, then thats her loss. Because lets face it-I am pretty damn cool.

Yet Another one

2011-02-05T09:48:00.000-08:00

If I have to read one more pregnancy announcement of Facebook I am going to scream. I don't care that people post about their happy news-but could they not WARN me ahead of time that they are going to be posting stuff? Just now I was checking friends profiles and a very good friend of mine who has always been there for me and actually ASKED about endo and stuff is pregnant.

I don't care that she talks about it on facebook-but I feel like if it were me, I would tell people one-on-one-especially if I am telling people who I know will never be able to be as blessed as I am.

So congrats.

And thanks for the warning.

PS-
Hi dear sister...please get a life.

To be censored or to be honest....

2011-02-03T07:42:00.000-08:00

My sister reads this blog. She never comments or asks me about what I write about until something upsets her. She is angry with me right now for my last post-where I talked about finding out that she is pregnant again. Lost story short, I was told to stop writing about her. I told her I would take the post down-but the more I think about it, the more sure I am that I am not going to be censored in order for those around me to feel better about themselves.

She pretty much told me that if this is the way I am going to be, then I can just be fine with not ever seeing my nephew or the other little one on the way. Obviously I am not ok with that-I love my nephew and I will love the next one. I tried to explain to her that I write about my life to deal with it, and if I really didn't care about her as she claims, then the things that happen between us wouldn't bother me. I haven't heard back from her yet-she won't listen to me any other way, so I suppose this is my way of telling her-and the rest of my family who reads this and never mentions it till something is written they aren't happy with-this.

I will not be censored. I write this blog to deal with the problems and issues in my life. I write it to reach out to other people with the same problems and issues. I write it to make friends-the kind of friends who ask me more often how I am doing than all of you put together. I write it to HELP people. I have had more than one person tell me that by reading this blog they are a better person-better prepared to face what is in front of them because they know that I am somehow getting through it.

I write about my life-and all of you are in my life. Things that are said and things that happen between all of us affect my healing process-and if you were to be a little more open to hearing about things face to face-then perhaps I wouldn't have to write so in-depth about my life. If you don't want the things that you do, say, think, feel, share with me to be shared here-THEN DON'T SHARE AT ALL.

This is my outlet-how I deal with things. I come here and reach out to people when I feel like I have nowhere else to turn. The women here don't tell me to deal with it or fight it or move on-they understand. I don't get that anywhere else in my life-therefore I will not be changing what I write about or the way I write about it.

I don't use your names on here out of respect. You asked me not to-therefore I don't. But that is as far as I will go. If you can't understand that then you no longer have to reach out and be a part of my life. That would kill me inside, because I love each and every one of you-but I have to heal in the only ways that I know how. And this works. Writing about it works. If I am given an ultimatum-to stop contact with you or to stop writing-know now that it will be an easy choice and you will not win.

And just so you know, I am writing a book. It probably won't ever really be done and even if it is it may never see the light of day. You are all in it. I have changed your names but I have not changed events or facts. I am writing it to deal-the same reason that I write this blog.

The fact is that I am sick. I will always be sick. I will always deal with that. If you can't deal with that-then you know where the door is.

I will not be censored.

I will be honest.

Again it never ends

2011-02-01T03:24:00.000-08:00

My sister is pregnant again. I found out when I went to spend the day with her, my mother, and my nephew, and we had to make a "quick stop at the doctors" for my sis. While she was back in the office and I was trying not to cry while watching my nephew make faces at me, my mom started the conversation that went something like this....

Mom-Do you know why she is here?

Me-I dunno med check or something?

Mom-She's going off her meds

Me-Good for her.

Mom-Do you know why she's going off her meds?

Me-Well I would imagine that shes better enough now that she doesn't need them or something like that.

Mom-Remember when she said they were going to try again?

Me-Yeah, I guess she can't try while on BC and anti-depressants.

Mom-She's pregnant.

Me-Are you kidding?

Mom-No, are you ok?

Me-No.

She's due in August. I haven't seen her since. Not on purpose I guess, just haven't had a reason to reach out and see her. I don't need to go through it again. Last time she was pregnant there was still a very small chance that I could get pregnant too. There was still that glimmer of hope. This time, there is no possibly way. And I can't watch her go through another pregnancy knowing that it will never be me.

I am going back into therapy. I never meant to really stop before, it was an insurance thing that I couldn't help. Anyway we are poor enough now that there is funding for me to talk out the crazy. I am very slowly losing my mind. Maybe when I finally get there I will be able to forget. It never ends.

2011-01-29T06:03:00.000-08:00

When I was young my mother used to tell me that she hoped I had a child "just like you!"

Apparently I was a handful or something.

Then I would say to her that it didn't matter because I was never going to have any kids. I didn't want them.

I would kill for a little girl just like me.

Long Time, New Blog, New year coming soon

2010-12-04T19:48:00.000-08:00

I have been bad about writing. I have been spending so much time with school and my new beauty blog and everything that I feel like I have ignored you all, and for that, I am truly sorry.

I promise to get something written up over the next day or two to let all of you know how things have been going with my health, my marriage, and all that other overly interesting stuff that you all tune in to read about. In the mean time, check out my other blog....its my way of holding on to my womanhood AND sharing my love a beauty products with the world!

Studio Sara Jean

Talk to you all soon!!!!

ps---how are all of you?

I miss you....

2010-08-10T15:44:00.000-07:00

Eugene Alvin Hilbers
May 17th, 1932-July 30th, 2010

Rest in Peace Grandpa.

Thank you to my friends who have shown their support during this time, especially Sonja, who listened to me bitch and cry and talk in circles every night for a week while I dealt with family......

I will return to blogging as soon as I feel up to it.

A jabbering post....

2010-07-27T22:55:00.000-07:00

Ok I lied. I didn't write the next day. I am not purposely keeping anything from any one or something like that, its just that not only does my internet not work right (a problem that WILL be remedied tomorrow by the cable guy, lest I shoot him), I am being hot all the time and I can't seen to make myself think in a way that would make any sense were I to type it out.

I read the last real post I wrote, and there isn't much new to say. I went to my gyno a few weeks ago and she is insisting that I do not need estrogen and won't even try me out on it until my migraines are under control and treated by someone other than her. Great. Bring on the three weeks of waiting for an appointment and the four visits to the ER since she put me on the evil Norethindrone thinking that it was going to help the hot flashes and mood swings. News flash...it doesn't. All this med does is give me more frequent and stronger migraines, but all I can do is wait for August 4th when I see someone else about actually getting on the Imitrex injectable I was on before.

Menopause still sucks big time. Like UBER big time. I am moody and irritable and I am running at about 1,000,000.1 degrees at all times. And of course our A/C is broken (never really worked). Its so humid in our apartment that there is literally water on the floor of the kitchen and bathroom. The kitties lick it up.

Did I say kitties? Plural kitties?

Thats right followers....there is a new member of my family! Her name is Rogue, and I have spent an hour trying to upload her picture on here but like I said, I am paying for internet that doesn't actually work, so maybe tomorrow after "sometime between 5 and 7" we will be able to meet this sweet girl of mine!

I have been really trying lately to hold on to my girlishness. I put on my favorite Hard Candy lipgloss and my nail polish and whatever large gaudy ring I feel like wearing that day (THIS is a fine example of my taste in jewelry lol) and I go about my day. I suppose it helps...the whole looking good thing. If nothing else it gives me something to do for awhile in the mornings before it gets too hot.

Everyone should head over to the online auction going on know to benefit and Endo Sister named Amber who is needing a hyst and due to health issues cannot get insurance. Its a great cause, and I donated one of my paintings to be auctioned off. My only bid so far is from my friend Sonja, who also donated this wonderful blanket. So head on over there and make a bid on these and the other cool things to raise money for an awesome cause!

Thats all for now folks...time for my 4th shower since I have been awake...love those cold few minutes every day!

Back Online and Back to Blogging

2010-07-18T21:53:00.000-07:00

Ok, so its been awhile.

Too long.

I have been without internet, and without the will to really write at all. Even my journal is slightly empty considering life is still life, which means it pretty much always has something to write about.

Either way, I am here again.

Perhaps tomorrow all you beautiful people will get another few lines put together by yours truly.

Till then I am off to dream.

IComLeavWe May 2010

2010-05-21T13:29:00.000-07:00

I could say where has May gone, but this is the first month I will be doing this!

Ok, so this marks my return to blogging after a little break because of my marriage hitting a rough patch.

I have tons I want to say, so I will prolly just write something up later after I am done with the million things I have to do today, in the meantime, check things out, and I will get some of my "good" posts up so you can get a better intro to ME!

UPDATE!

Ok, I know I said I was going to update later yesterday, but instead I am updating today, and I also have to catch up on my commenting and what-not, because I spent all day yesterday cleaning and running.

Yes, I run now. No big deal.

At the risk of killing my typing ability before I get to comment on everyone elses bloggies, I have compiled some posts that pretty much tell the whole story.....

My What If
Basically my what if about what if I wasn't all broken and barren and what-not inside.

To Stop Trying
Basically the point that everyone on the TTC journey reaches one point or another, mine was reached with my hyst a couple months ago

Mothers Day Letter
a letter I wrote to the birth mother of my one-day child...I can't even really read it without getting all teary :(

Other than those, lets see.....

Dan and I are good.
I still love my Sassy and Bandit more than the world.
oh yeah...
and I run now.

No big deal!

Break

2010-05-02T23:12:00.001-07:00

As much as I love my blog and my readers and writing, I think I am going to have to take a break from writing for awhile.

I will explain more later, and please no one be surprised if I can't stand it and I have to write something before I am actually ready to and it comes out as some jumbo that doesn't really make any sense at the time.

Like that last sentence.

Wish me luck.

I have to go try to save a marriage.

Done

2010-05-02T13:55:00.001-07:00

I have left Dan. We are separated. I won't get into it here but I will say this.

I may be a bitch.

I may be overemotional and crazy right now.

I may not be processing my loss as well as I should.

I may deserve to be yelled at sometimes.

But I WILL NOT be disrespected in a physical manner, no matter now little it may seem.

I am BETTER than that.

Saturday Songs #2

2010-05-01T18:22:00.000-07:00

"The River"
Written by Garth Brooks and Victoria Shaw
Album-"Ropin' The Wind" and "Double Live"

You know a dream is like a river
Ever changin' as it flows
And a dreamer's just a vessel
That must follow where it goes
Trying to learn from what's behind you
And never knowing what's in store
Makes each day a constant battle
Just to stay between the shores...and

I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry

Too many times we stand aside
And let the waters slip away
'Til what we put off 'til tomorrow
Has now become today
So don't you sit upon the shoreline
And say you're satisfied
Choose to chance the rapids
And dare to dance the tide...yes

I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry

There's bound to be rough waters
And I know I'll take some falls
But with the good Lord as my captain
I can make it through them all...yes

I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry

Yes, I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
'Til the river runs dry

So there is a video for me to post, but I am writing this from Dans parents house and they have a limit on the internet that can be used per day...those of you who have been following me for more that awhile know this from when I was living here with them. Stupidz Internetz!

Anyway, this song has always been one of my favorites. So has Garth Brooks. His songwriting is just PHENOMENAL, I can't think of one song of his that I don't just really appreciate, if not love. So here is my take on this one....

The whole "dream is like a river ever changing as it flows" really rings true, doesn't it? This dream for me to be a mother has changed. LOTS. You know when I was a kid I used to tell my mother that I never really wanted children. Mostly I think I told her that because she used to say to me all the time that she hoped I have a child "JUST LIKE YOU!"
(Let it be known that I think I am pretty alright and would love a kid like me...bring on the challenge!)
Anyway, I got off....

So I never wanted kids, then I kinda wanted kids only not with my ex-husband, and then I really wanted kids, and now I can't have kids. Still want them. But my river took another path. A really rocky, downhill, white water, off limits to those rafters with any sanity path, but still, another path.

"Never knowing whats in store." Who ever really knows whats in store? I know that I, for one, have no idea whatsoever. I don't know if we will adopt from foster care or adopt an infant or just be foster parents the rest of our lives. At this point I don't even know if I have the energy to have kids at all, ever. The choice to remain child-free has crossed my mind more than once these days, and it is an option I am exploring, if not yet actually talking it over with Dan yet.

"Each day a constant battle just to stay between the shore." No shit. Every single day I am fighting to stay between the shores of this dream. Every single day I wonder what is going to happen next. Every single day I think about where I am going and where I have been. This line rings SO true.

So I don't know where this river is taking me, but I know that I am going to fight like hell to stay between the shores of it, and fight even harder to get to the end of it; where it meets this other river that I will have to navigate. That river is called parenthood.

There's bound to be rough waters
And I know I'll take some falls
But with the good Lord as my captain
I can make it through them all.
~Garth Brooks

ps-The "Double Live" CD is AMAZING!

Weekend Update, With Sara The Infertile...

2010-05-01T10:43:00.000-07:00

This week when Sara asked Dan what she was supposed to eat at his sisters birthday party at the steakhouse, with her being a vegetarian, he came back with the best answer ever.

"They have fish!"

(ensue laughing)

Sara plans on seeing her mother today to pick something up. She hasn't seen her in over a month due to a falling out over her very hard choice of getting a hysterectomy, among other things.

Like lying.

(never lie to your children, especially one week after the hardest choice ever. Now you can laugh, cause after all, what else are we gonna do?)

And to leave you all with nightmares for the rest of eternity, I give you the bug I found on my foot the other night. I give you....SATAN.

Meet SATAN, a, evil-hate filled creation of the bug world sent here simply to cause Sara many nights of wondering how on earth something so evil could have ever made it to the perfectness that is her pink-manicured foot. He enjoys stealing souls, giving nightmares, and the occasional deal of eternity in hellfire traded for various useless items such as concert tickets or even more blog followers! (don't worry folks, I turned him down. I prefer to increase readership by the sheer talent that is me!) To contact SATAN, Please contact Bandit....

as he ate this particular form of SATAN with great zeal. And then threw him up all over Sara's floor. Poor kitteh. Please remember, dear kittehs of the world...eating SATAN is eating EVIL.

That is all. Stay tuned for a "Saturday Songs" post later.

(All artistic renderings of SATAN and his evil doings are drawn and copyrighted by ME. Please contact me for any contract work needed for you next event where a picture of SATAN is needed. What better for your evil-themed birthday party than a life-sized portrait of the evil one himself?)

HA!

Love you all!

Even if there is nothing to laugh about, laugh on credit. ~Author Unknown

Friday Follow #2 AKA 100th post!

2010-04-30T19:15:00.000-07:00

For this weeks Friday Follow I would love it if everyone headed over "Hannah Wept, Sarah Laughed".
The woman who write this blog is just amazing. For her What IF project she did the most powerful video I have ever seen on the subject of infertility. The thing about her video that got to me the most was her asking "what if my story helps millions?"

That is why I write this blog.

To help. To reach out and connect with others going through the same things or even people who are just curious and want to learn more about it.

Long story short, Keiko is going to be around for awhile, and I would like to thank you for all the wonderful work she is doing. The blogging world, and the world in general, would be a more hollow place without her.

To "Stop Trying"

2010-04-29T12:49:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking lots about all the ways that Dan and I tried to have a child. All the ways and times we tried to conceive our child biologically. Then came the hyst. Yes, I asked for it, and yes, we both looked forward to it. But I have just recently begun to see it for another thing that it was. It was not just a radical treatment for the Endometriosis, it was not just another diagnosis, the Adenomyosis. In a way it was the point that ever couple on this journey must somehow reach. It was our decision to stop. To stop trying. To end fertility treatments. To officially look for another way.

I am by no means saying that we tried everything we could have. Money and pain were the biggest things stopping us from continuing the journey. If I hadn't been in so much pain all the time, we would have saved the money and tried an IVF cycle or another IUI or SOMETHING. But I couldn't do anymore. WE couldn't do it anymore. I was literally living on Percocet, while on the couch feeling sorry for myself. There just was nothing else to do.

I know there are women out there that have tried these treatments numerous times without results. I am by no means saying that my choice was any harder or easier than theirs. It was just different. It came to us in a different way, in a different form. The mindset that all of us infertile people are the same is something that has been explored before on other blogs, and I must say that lumping us all together into one big basket with the black I pasted on the side is just as unfair as looking at a group of people with AIDS or cancer and saying that they are all the same, and have been on the same journey, and reach their choices the same way. We are all unique, and we are all on relatively the same journey, but we are individuals. One of the things that we all have in common though is that every couple, no matter if the end comes with a child or a choice to stop, has to reach that point of "enough is enough." Every couple has to stop at some point. Sometimes it is chosen by the couple, in a situation where they feel they have tried everything they can do. And sometimes it comes in the form of a medical condition, like with us, where I needed the hysterectomy to survive.

I am not saying that keeping my uterus and ovaries would have literally killed me. I could have lived with them still inside me. I could have continued to breathe while sitting on that couch or lying in bed for the rest of my life; but how would that have been any different from someone leaving me in a coma with no function for the rest of my life? I see it the same. So I had to have it. I had to lose those things to find me again. But it was also our choice to stop trying. It was also that point that everyone on this journey eventually reaches...that point when they are done.

It's an odd feeling. I am no longer TTC. We are no longer trying. I no longer have a use for the very expensive ovulation predictor or pregnancy tests or even the big bottle of folic acid (other than the obvious staying healthy on this new journey).

In a way I feel robbed. I didn't get to sit down with my husband and have that long talk about what to do next. I did get to sit down with him and talk about how we were going to deal with the loss of my organs, but I didn't really get the choice of "stop and pursue adoption or continue trying." That important choice was made for me, made by my stupid body that never really worked the way it was supposed to work.

I don't regret the hyst. Well, I don't regret it right now! I go through regret times and happy times, and I think thats normal. I think that if I didn't think about my loss AND think about my gains in equal form right now, this soon after, I would either be crazy or on drugs, and I am pretty sure I am neither.

Mostly I just want to let everyone out there know, in case it isn't obvious.

Dan and I are no longer trying to get pregnant. We are exploring other options. I will never be pregnant.

(BIG duh....but I still strangely feel the need to have that moment that others get. That moment where they share their choice to stop with the world.)

“Although we've come to the end of the road, still I can't let you go, it's unnatural, you belong to me, I belong to you .”

So I was just writing....

2010-04-28T16:26:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I know mothers day isn't for a few weeks and I know its crazy, but I was sitting here and just started writing and this is what came out. Don't ask me why. Maybe too many mothers day ads on FB or something. Who knows. But I am going to save it and send/give it to her one day.

Dear Mother of my Child,
I don’t know your name. I don’t know where you are from or how you grew up. I don’t know your dreams, your thoughts, your religious views, or your political stance. Maybe one day I will know these things…even shake your hand and look into your eyes. Maybe you will always be a mystery. What I do know is that I love you. I love you for your choice, and I love you for your strength. You carry inside you something so precious, something so fantastically miraculous, that I was not able to do it. I am in awe of you. I am in awe of your body, and your ability to do what I was not able to. I am in awe of your decision to give the child inside you life…even if that means a life without you.

As I write this you may not even be carrying our baby yet. You might not even know that you are going to face this choice. For all I know, as I write this, you are sitting in high school science, or out on a date. For all I know you have no idea what one day our paths will forever be crossed. Our hearts will forever be joined in one tiny human being. Our child. You, the mother who gave him life, and me, the mother who will raise him.

I can’t promise that I will be the best mother in the world. I can’t even promise that I will do a better job than you would have done. What I can promise you is that I will love that child as if I had carried him myself. I will put him first, and give him everything within my power to make sure that he is successful in his life. I will teach him to look both ways before crossing the street, but I will also teach him to look both ways before making judgment. I will love him no matter what he decides to do or who he decides to be. I will teach him to make the right choices, and then I will support him even if he makes the wrong ones. I will be an open door and a shoulder to cry on. I will love him no matter his sexual orientation or political views. I will never lie to him. I will never make him feel as though he is not welcome, wanted, and loved.

I will tell him about you. I will tell him about the incredible bravery of the mother who gave him life. I will tell him how much you loved him, and love him still. I will tell him that you didn’t give him up, you only handed him up. Handed him up to a life you couldn’t give him, but that you knew he deserved. I will do everything in my power to make sure he never feels as though he has no “real” mother, but that he is doubly blessed, because he has two. I will do my best to make sure that he wasn’t un-wanted, but all the more loved. You, my child’s other mother, will always be in our home and in our hearts. You are a member of this family. As much as this sweet child is.

And so with this mothers day approaching, the first since disease robbed me of the ability you have, I want to say thank you. Thank you for the choice you will one day make. Thank you for loving our child. Thank you for choosing his life and happiness over your own. I promise that I will always do the same. So on this day, the one that will forever be harder on you than this one is to me, I want to say Happy Mothers Day to my child’s other mother.

Wordless Wednesday #2

2010-04-28T11:51:00.000-07:00

I still wear pink!

“Almost all words do have color and nothing is more pleasant than to utter a pink word and see someone's eyes light up and know it is a pink word for him or her too”
Gladys Taber quotes

One Month Down

2010-04-27T19:26:00.000-07:00

One month down. One month ago was my hysterectomy. In some ways it doesn't seem like it has been that long, and in other ways it feels like it has been years. Either way, this past month of recovery and thinking and stopping myself from going for a run or making love with my husband or doing too much housework has made me think about so many things. I could list them all here one by one, but honestly I just don't have the energy to get into tall of it right now. Instead, I will just say I am sorry for not posting lately, my internet has been out; and say that all of my readers mean so much to me...I don't know what I would do without any of you.

I will post more later....

I just don't have the energy right now.

Friday Follow #1

2010-04-23T00:00:00.000-07:00

My first Friday Follow is to send all of you lovely people who haven't been there already to check out my friend Sonjas blog.

You know I have been sitting here thinking about it and I am not horribly sure how I actually met her! I know we talking some in the groups on Facebook about endo, but who knows if that is actually where it started. Either way, she is now like my very best friend and I don't know what I would do without her.

She is actually the one who started me blogging. She thought it would be good for me to put my thoughts out there and to maybe even help someone else going through the same thing at the same time. She really is amazing like that.

Her blog mostly follows her feelings dealing with her hysterectomy. Well, that and her sweet kitteh girl Alex. She is the best kitty mommy and the best friend and has one of the best blogs out there...so if you aren't already following...get on over to The Mud and The Lotus for not only a good read about the struggles we go through...but also a laugh here and there.

ps-love ya girlie!

"It is not so much our friends' help that helps us as the confident knowledge that they will help us."
~Epicurus (341 - 270 BC) Greek philosopher

What If....

2010-04-22T21:18:00.000-07:00

I am a different person now because of infertility?

What if the person that I was is gone? I was a kick-ass, get-it-done, nothing-can-stop-me, take-no-shit, pull-no-punches, pink-wearing, faux-hawk-wearing, pretty all-around awesome chick. Who I am now? This person who thought nothing could beat her, is getting beaten. This thing is beating me down, and it HAS changed me. There is no "what if" anymore. It just is. My "what if" happened.

To just give you a run-down of everything I have given infertility, I think I shall use the cool list feature I just learned how to use. I give you.....

THE LIST

8 years
87 pregnancy test. Yes, that is the correct number. All negative
Three surgeries
1 ovulation predictor
27 ovulation test strips
2 marriages
My hair-While treating the Endometriosis with Lupron
My body-losing and gaining weight due to illness
Countless depressing poems
My nails-I chew them when I am stressed
13 doctors
$54,000.00 (at last count)
Two ovaries
One cervix
One uterus

I gave these things to infertility. Just gave em up. Handed them over gladly in hopes that it would get me a child in return. It hasn't yet. Instead I find myself faced with this person that I hardly recognize. This person who, when faced with choosing biological children over getting out of pain, chose to give up the one thing that I never thought I would be able to give up. I handed that over too. I said here, take these things from me, anything you want....just get me out of pain and make me normal again.

But I was wrong.

It didn't make me normal it made me even more different. It made me this person I am now. And I am not sure who she is. In all reality is pisses me off. It pisses me off that I am different now, that I have somehow lost who I am. So that is my "what if" now. What if I am a different person? A person who has no faith and thinks about living child-free sometimes. A person who still can't go to the baby aisle in the store, because I still feel like something has been stolen from me. A person, who despite all the people in her life that tell her differently, still feels as though there was something more she could have done to make her dreams come true. This might be me.

But what if that is ok? What if its ok that I never really get over it and I still think about it years later and I still feel like I was robbed? What if that makes me the kind of person who doesn't take things for granted...a person who sees all the blessings in her life...because the blessings in her pre-hyst life weren't ever really seen? What if the person I am now is the person I was always meant to be? A person who sees life...and loves what there is to be loved out of it. That's more than I had before. Loving what there is to love. Before I wasn't able to love anything but the thing I didn't have.

So maybe its not the end of the world after all. Maybe, just maybe, I will live. I will be ok. And maybe I will be a different Sara. One who still kicks ass...but also sees that there is true suffering in the world. Because I have been there. So maybe thats the real reason why.

And maybe its ok.

For more information on infertility.....
www.resolve.org/infertility101
National Infertility Awareness Week....

www.resolve.org/takecharge

Oh Hey, I am Not Crazy

2010-04-21T21:31:00.000-07:00

So all the problems I have been having with my husband? All those problems I have been beating myself up about because I thought it all went back to the stupid hyst and lack of hormones and its all my my my my my fault?

It was him

He hasn't taken his anti-depressant in a WEEK.

So apparently I can say things right and I did say some things and I am not imagining his temper and him staring off and everything. I wouldn't even be so pissed......

Except he didn't tell me.

I had to find this out by looking on the shelf and seeing that his pills were gone. I had to find this out by Sonja asking me, "is he taking his meds?" because I have spent the last week on the phone/online with her going "omg what do I do I think this hyst is ruining my marriage?"

So turns out its not me. I should be happy, but I am not. I am more worried about the fact that he kept something from me, that he lied to me, and that his excuse for doing these things was "I was afraid you would get mad."

Oh yeah, this is much better. He let me think for over a week that I was losing it. He let me believe that I was to blame for the cracks in our marriage and that it was my problem to fix, instead of ours.

I am just in shock.

I don't know what to do at this point, but first thing is first...he is on his meds again TOMORROW.
I guess we will see from there.

Wordless Wednesday #1

2010-04-20T22:12:00.000-07:00

This is my Sassy baby at the dog park last week. We made the mistake of walking to the park instead of driving and then all she did was lie on the concrete while all the other doggies played. Next time we will drive to that we are actually getting our moneys worth out of the park!

"My little dog - a heartbeat at my feet."
~Edith Wharton

Me...Post Hyst

2010-04-19T22:18:00.000-07:00

When I first started this blog my very first post ever was an intro to me. That was nearly 100 posts and two years ago. For those of you who have been around since the beginning, you know that I am a different person now. I mean I am still Sara Jean. I still prefer to be called Sara by anyone who isn't my husband or very close to me. I still love pink, and keep my toenails in a constant state of pinkness (assuming I am not having surgery in the next few hours). I still love my Sassy dog and my Bandit butt, and I would still take in any animal in need as long as I could. Fundamentally, I am still me. But I am not. I am different. I am a different person, and I have been meaning to explore exactly what that means, and so since I am awake in the middle of the night, yet again, I figured why not now?

For years, with two husbands and countless doctors, my life revolved around getting pregnant. Time was counted with periods and fertility treatments. Moods were described in pain levels and not actual moods. Dreams revolves around that little plus sign on a piece of plastic that would change our lives forever. Even though I was in pain, I was hopeful, and faithful, and I KNEW that it was going to happen. I knew that I would get pregnant.

Everyone kept telling me that my time was coming. I remember calling my mom after a negative test and she kept telling me that my time was coming and I just has to be patient, because she knew that I was going to get pregnant soon. People would remind me that there was always a chance, always that little percentage of hope that would get me pregnant. My world was that little number. My world was that hope.

And now it never will. It will never happen. I am never going to get pregnant. There will be no more pluses or minuses on pieces of plastic, no more temperature taking, no more pills and sperm counts and wondering and worrying. No more of that.

And no more pain (I hope).

Was it worth it? I thought I was SO ready for this, but this person the surgery left behind? This isn't me. I don't know this barren women whose whole world of hope and faith is just...gone. What do I look forward to now? School? Adoption? Vacations? They somehow just seem....less. Less than that hope, less than that dream.

So this is me now. I get up and write and read and go for walks. Despite my slight depression over everything lately I am very much looking forward to starting the adoption process next month. I still keep my toes pink...but none of the polish seems as bright anymore. I still watch what I eat, but not because I might be pregnant. Thats the real killer. Before this...there was always that chance...that possibility, that I was carrying a little piece of me. Never again.

So I will paint, go to school, read, maybe even get another hobby. Anything to get me over this hump. Something has to be able to do that.

Right?

"Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else."
~ Judy Garland

Is it hot flashes or heartache?

2010-04-19T13:13:00.001-07:00

Last night was ANOTHER one of those nights that I couldn't sleep.

Who knows why.

Is it the hot flashes that I can't seem to stop having? Or is it the constant heartache about everything?

I wake up in the middle of the night hot, sweating, and crying.

So who knows?

Reminders

2010-04-18T19:10:00.000-07:00

I read a blog today but a wonderful person, SIF, where she talks about a relationship she has witnessed with her "little sister" and that family. She warns at the beginning of the post that she is taking something that SO isn't about her and making it into something about her.

But the thing is, when you are going through infertility, everything can be connected to it. Maybe because the world surrounds us with mothers and fathers and happy families that only remind us that those people aren't us.

I know that people probably look at us as selfish, or attention seeking. Us beautiful, strong, fighting women...who are only fighting for what we were denied when our bodies failed us. I have been unfortunate enough to live around, and even with sometimes, people who don't seem to understand why everything connects back to this loss, and why we can't "just get over it."

The thing that no one seems to understand with the whole getting over it thing, is that we have had a loss. A real, true, in your face no going away any time soon loss. And it is just as real to us as if we had gotten a call from a hospital in the middle of the night that someone we loved had passed. The diagnosis of "infertile," however it comes and whatever comes with it, is just as life changing and significant as any other loss. And people need to realize this.

And everything does remind us of it. Most times its seeing some other family go through some crisis or change or something, and wondering if we will ever get to have that. Other times its seeing people who see their children as some sort of burden, some sort of annoyance that wants breakfast while they want to sleep in on Saturday mornings. All these things remind us that the world isn't fair and our bodies don't work the way they are supposed to...that we have been denied those "annoyances" that other people far less deserving have been given.

Everything reminds me that I am barren. Even if I spend the entire day inside and don't watch any TV or listen to music that you would think would remind a person of children in any way, I am still reminded. I am reminded when I cook dinner and its just for two people. I am reminded of it when I look at my husband, and I know that even if we are lucky enough to one day have a family through the miracle of adoption, I will never see his sweet eyes look back at me through my child. I am reminded of it when I look at my paintings on the wall and even though I didn't mean to put it there, there is always some little piece of my lost somewhere in all those oils. Hidden, but there just the same. Because I can't do ANYTHING without that loss being there. Its there, it is always going to be there...and like it or not, I am going to be reminded of it through little things that catch me off guard for the rest of my life. One of these days maybe I will wake up and the hyst and my kids and all those things that I really don't want to think about won't be the FIRST thing that I think about. But its not now. And even if I get to that day in once piece, which seems such an impossibility right now, I know that there will never be a day that I won't be reminded of my loss...and I have a right to feel it. I have a right to be pissed. And anyone who says otherwise can wonder this....lose a child, then come tell me it shouldn't hurt. My memory is my own, even if its just memories of a child in a dream...and its my own to treasure if I chose.

When someone you love becomes a memory, the memory becomes a treasure.
~Author Unknown

testing commenter thingie

2010-04-18T17:42:00.001-07:00

just what that says. I am testing commenter thingie.

Marriage and Menopause

2010-04-17T23:00:00.000-07:00

There is a reason that for years and years people have gotten married at a young age, had babies, and THEN gone through menopause.

Its because a young marriage is not meant to deal with this shit.

Dan and I have been married for a little over two years now, and even though I KNOW I love and and I KNOW he loves me, this thing is breaking us.

We can't talk without fighting. I must look deep in thought all the time because he keeps asking me what I am thinking and when I tell him it never fails that we end up in some sort of argument. Like tonight. I went to bed, it woke him up (which I didn't MEAN to do, but if he would keep the goddamn covers straight I wouldn't have to fix them) and as I was laying there he asked me what I was thinking. Then, of course, like an idiot, I told him. I told him that the events of the past few days have made me wonder if I gave up motherhood period what I gave up biological children.

Bad idea.

Why does he ask if he doesn't want to know? Why push me to share my feelings if you aren't going to be open and actually HEAR them, rather than get on the defensive? Then I made another boo boo. I told him I thought we should go to therapy together.

"Why pay to have a crap on Dan session when we can do that here for free?"

Um.
What?

Is that what I said? Did I say that I wanted to go pay someone to listen to me bitch about you so that they can bitch about you and you can just feel back about yourself?

No.

I asked you to come to therapy with me because we are obviously NOT doing well and the way the losses in my life are going I really can't afford to lose my husband on top of everything else. I asked you to come work this out with me and stand by me and hold my hand while I cry, because believe it or not I know that most of the problem right now stems from this damn surgery and my inability to handle it and I need some help here and God bless you for trying but I just don't think you alone are able to help me the way I need. (this is not word for word obviously I am paraphrasing...but that is basically what I said)

His response?

Snoring.

Thats right folks...the man asked me to share and after making me feel like crap for doing so he just went right back to sleep as I was spilling my stupid guts and bawling like a baby.

So I called him on it.

So long story short I am now awake when I don't want to be cause I can't sleep on the couch and I won't sleep with him and I can't ask him to come sleep out here because then I get to hear about how "you don't even want to share a bed with me why don't you just leave me" for the next three days. And frankly? I don't have the time or the energy to hear it right now.

So I send this question out there into the world tonight. How does a marriage survive something after two years that its not supposed to see for 30?

"For two people in a marriage to live together day after day is unquestionably the one miracle the Vatican has overlooked."
~Bill Cosby

Saturday Songs #1

2010-04-17T15:12:00.000-07:00

"The Kill (Bury Me)"
Written by Jared Leto (um, hot much?)
Performed by 30 Seconds to Mars
Album-Beautiful Lie

What if I wanted to break
Laugh it all off in your face
What would you do?

What if I fell to the floor
Couldn't take all this anymore
What would you do, do, do?

Come break me down
Marry me, bury me
I am finished with you

What if I wanted to fight
Beg for the rest of my life
What would you do?

You say you wanted more
What are you waiting for?
I'm not running from you

Come break me down
Marry me, bury me
I am finished with you

Look in my eyes
You're killing me, killing me
All I wanted was you

I tried to be someone else
But nothing seemed to change
I know now, this is who I really am inside

Finally found myself
Fighting for a chance
I know now, this is who I really am

Come break me down
Marry me, bury me
I am finished with you, you, you

Look in my eyes
You're killing me, killing me
All I wanted was you

Come, break me down
Break me down
Break me down

What if I wanted to break?
What if I, what if I, what if I
Bury me, bury me

If you watch the music video to this song without actually understanding or listening to the lyrics, one might be slightly confused. Although I will say that being confused while looking at Jared Leto is better than just being confused in general! Everyone is looking at a copy of themselves. Twins were used for most of the shots, but the members of the band were obviously made double by lots of film-making tricks that I wouldn't begin to be able to tell you about. Either way, the most moving part of the thing for me is when Jared screams at himself "this is who I really am."

In an interview once, he said

"It's really about a relationship with yourself. It's about confronting your fear and confronting the truth about who you are."

This song as always had meaning to me. Whenever I hear it I see myself looking at the pre-hyst/IF/endo/PCOS/adeno me and screaming at her...this is me. This is YOU. There is no escaping it and there is no hiding from it. Get used to it. Bury me in it...still not going away. It sucks and it blows but really, what are you going to do about it?

Then there's the pre/all that crap me looking at me now...screaming...you're killing me. Killing my dreams, killing my kids...killing everything about me I know to be true.

So who is left at the end? Is it her? The Sara who thought anything was possible and still believed in miracles?

Or is it me? The Sara who wants to believe but can't...because this thing inside me killed me. Killed my dreams...killed what I wanted.

Who knows?

"This is who I really am."
~Jared Leto

Disclaimer and New Stuff!

2010-04-17T14:47:00.000-07:00

So as those of you who are avid readers have probably seen by now, there are some changes going on here! The first is that I have added some ads onto my blog. Nothing huge and nothing that will probably go anywhere, but one never can tell.

The second is that I am now an Amazon Associate. Basically all this means is that if I recommend something, such as a book (in most cases) you will be able to link directly to Amazon and purchase it...and its good for me! I can promise this though, I will never recommend or link to something that I have not read or actually used, and would recommend to a friend in real life. So rest assured, dear readers, I am not out for a quick buck or even a slow one...mostly I just want to see where this can take me.

I am introducing a few series that I will post weekly for you fine people to look forward to. I know that you would never miss a post...but this is just a little something more to look forward to every week. The series, I hope, will be as fun for you to read weekly as I am hoping they will be for me to write. The new series are as follows....

Saturday Songs

As many of you know, I love my music. I literally have playlists that are called things like "endo sucks" to get my mind of pain or "matter of time" when I feel like my dreams of motherhood are SO far away that I will never actually reach them. I am BIG into lyrics, and even if I can't stand the actual music, I am one to have great respect for any artist who can write good lyrics. Anyway, in these posts on Saturdays, I will post the lyrics of a song that has meaning to me...or even one that I am listening to loads lately just cause it rocks. I'll get into the meaning behind it, what it means to me, and maybe even post an audio file...if I can ever figure out how to do that!

Wordless Wednesdays

Ok, I am the first one to admit that I am stealing this idea from my good friend Sonja. I am not a photographer by any means, that's something that I usually leave to the very talented Dan. That being said, I love to take pictures and usually they don't ever go anywhere except onto Facebook with some kind of goofy caption. With this series I am hoping to post a picture from the last week, and even though its supposed to be wordless, I want to get into the story/ect. of the picture. So yeah, something to look forward to! ~~Some~~ ~~Lots~~ ~~Loads~~ Probably most of them of my Sassy and Bandit!

Friday Follow

Ok, I stole this from Sonja too. I suck at coming up with my own stuff. What can I say? Basically I follow loads of blogs, and I read most of them faithfully. Every Friday I will post about a blog I am following, a little about it, why I like it, and if you are very lucky and things work out the way I am wanting them too...maybe even an interview! 'Nuff said about that one.

Book Reviews
I read all these books and sometimes I write about them and sometimes I don't, and I thought about it and I think that if a book is good, I should for sure get the word out there about it. I thought about making this a once a week thing, but then I would be obligated to finish a post about a book once a week, and even though I read lots and fast, that really isn't fair to the great authors out there whose books I am rushing through just to get my review up on a certain day. So as I finish the books I will be posting reviews. There will be no particular order and no particular days that I will do this. The book may be one I just finished, or one that I read before and would like to recommend to my friends.

"Quote of the Post"

I love quotes. So I am going to try to find one in my many quote books that pertain to each post. I have yet to decide if the quote will be at the beginning of each post..kinda an intro to the post...or if they will be at the end...to leave you with something to think about. I suppose it might depend on the post or my mood at the time!

So there you are folks. I came up with all this stuff to get my excited about blogging again, because even though I hate to admit it, I was feeling a little crappy about it. But I am over it now and I am going to try my berry very best to keep up with things this time around.

ps...there is no quote for this post cause I have a headache. Unless you want to count that as quoted by Sara. hehehehehehe

More Than One Loss

2010-04-16T19:12:00.000-07:00

When you are getting ready for a hysterectomy, there are these papers you have to sign. Papers, that say in every way possible what you already know before you are reading them...you will never carry a child. You will never give birth. The have you sign these papers in about 800 spots to make sure that you realize what you are getting into before you actually do it, and of course to make sure you don't sue them when you wake up without the parts they went in to remove. They have to assume that every patient is stupid to the fact, and they have to cover their own asses.

What they don't tell you is this. The whole not having kids thing? Just the tip of the iceberg. They don't tell you that even if you wake up without pain and feeling better than you have literally felt in years that you will be different. Everyone always tells you as a woman without a uterus and/or ovaries that you are the same person, but in all reality...in all seriousness, you, along with the world around you, are changed in a way that cannot even be put into words. But for those out there facing the choice, thinking about the choice, or even living in a world after the choice, I am going to try.

For anyone that has lived in pain for a long time there begins a certain routine, a certain dynamic in a family, in a marriage. When I person is sick for a very long time, not only do they get used to being the sick person needing the help, but those around them become used to being the ones providing it. My husband waited on me hand and foot for pretty much our whole marriage up till this point. He cooked me meals and helped me to the tub and shaved my legs. He did all the driving and all the paperwork for bills and all the work. He did everything. And I let him, because there was no other choice for either of us. I was the sick one, and he was the caregiver.

Now I am not the sick one. I don't need help to the tub and I can make my own meals and its finally been long enough without meds that I can get in my car and drive away, alone. Whether or not he is meaning to he is making me feel like I am still sick. He is treating me like a child who can't cut the crusts off her own sandwich and it is driving me insane. No one ever told me, there was no piece of paper to sign, telling me that there would be this shift in my marriage. And it scares me. It scares us. Are we still us like this? Are we still Sara and Dan if Sara is independent and Dan can have parts of his life not revolve around caring for me? Will he still love me when I can work and get a job and FINALLY go back to school? Will I be the same person, uterus or no, when its ME who is able to walk away from a fight and not him? It's like building a marriage all over again, and its hard. We are only two weeks into it and even though I am ashamed to say it, I see no point in not being honest with my readers and I will say that we are falling apart. He sees the surgery as something that had to happen. I see it as something that I allowed to happen. I won't go into more details than that in respect for his privacy, But things have been said in the past couple days that really make me wonder if I didn't sign away my marriage when I signed away my uterus. And it scares me.

When I look in the mirror I look the same, except that something is different in my eyes. I am not the only one who sees it, but I am the only one who knows what it is. The children I will never have had names. They had futures. They had hobbies and blue eyes and quirks and little pieces of Dan and little pieces of me and they were OURS. The were just as real to me as the wind or the rain or the Spring. And they are dead now. Is it wrong that I want to mourn them? Is it wrong that I believe I will see them again one day? Does it make me crazy to write letters and poems to them knowing that they will never actually read them? Am I insane for hating myself a little because one little part of me, deep, deep down, things that I killed my children?

My body betrayed me. You read these stories about adrenaline and people running faster than they should be able to or lifting cars of their wife or any number of impossible feats that were possible because the human body is amazing, and has this primal desire to SURVIVE. These people can do all these things because the body goes into overdrive and does what it has to do in order to survive. And here I am, and I can't even have a child. I never could. I never could give the children in my heart life and I never ever will. I will never give birth to a child. My body was meant to do something, BUILT to do something, and it failed. It failed me. It betrayed me. It was supposed to do something and it didn't. If this was any kind of business I would fire it, because it cannot be counted upon.

There is a difference, I think, in infertile and barren. To me, infertile means that you actually have the parts and something just isn't working right. Barren means you don't have the parts, therefore it is 100% impossible to bear children. I spent years of my life as an infertile woman, and now I am barren. And its a transition. I am physically unable to get pregnant. For the rest of my life. Forever and ever. I will never feel my child kick, I will never feel them enter the world. I will never get to do those things. Because I asked for this. I was selfish and I wanted my life back and I wanted to get off the couch and I wanted to DO something that didn't involve large doses of percocet and constantly buying pads. In a book I read once, and still refer to sometimes, they talk about the "little deaths." (BTW, for those who are interested, my friend Sonja recommended the book and its called "Unsung Lullabies," totally worth the read if you are struggling with infertility) Before this surgery I would have my period, these little deaths, and even though it hurt like hell that it meant I wasn't pregnant, at least it reminded me that I was whole. I was still able to bleed. I still had that part of me. I never realized how important that was until now. No more little deaths for me...only the big one that will never go away.

There are so many aspects and things to re-learn and learn for the first time that I could never list them all here, at least not in one post. I won't say that I regret my choice, just that there is more to it than anyone ever told me. When I signed those pieces of paper saying I understood what I was asking them to do...I really didn't . I really didn't understand the very long journey this will be..long even not in pain. And I am not cured. There is no cure for Endometriosis, not even cutting everything away. I was reminded of it this week when my Sonja came out of her surgery only to hear that her Endo was back and that she would be taking birth control pills...over a year after her hyst. This was a gamble, and maybe it worked and maybe it didn't. But I guess I did what I had to do. I only wish that that little piece of paper I signed my name to had told me....there is more than one loss in this.

Menopause at 26

2010-04-15T17:26:00.000-07:00

I would have never thought that I would be going through this at my age. Well, at least not before 5 or 6 years ago. Since I was 21 or so I pretty much knew it would be much earlier than God intended. In fact for the last year or so I pretty much BEGGED for it.

And here I am. Sixteen days post hyst and menopausal and 26 years old. I NEVER thought that this would be has miserable as it is. Shall we look at all my symptoms one by one?

MOOD SWINGS
You can ask my husband, my dog, or my family who has pretty much disowned me whether or not I am over exaggerating when I say that I am a total bitch these days. I cry at the drop of a hat, I can't stand anything going wrong, and even though I don't want to be, I am yelling all the time about everything. I hate the world and I hate God and I hate my body and I hate hate hate. Bless Dan for putting up with me these days.

Night Sweats
When I finally do get to sleep, usually after three or four cold showers, I wake up a few hours later just soaking wet from sweat. My hair is sticky and my back is wet and I literally stink. Along with that comes the inevitable stains on my sheets...as if they weren't ruined enough from the bleeding all the time before the surgery. So yeah, night sweats? NOT fun.

Hot flashes
Ok, so its Spring in Iowa, which in most places would mean cool nights and nice days, except we live where there is no spring, only winter and summer. And it is full on summer....85 degrees till the sun goes down, then we get a little break and fall down to 70. Put on top of this the fact that randomly throughout the day for no particular reason I break into a sweat and become literally so hot I think I have just caught a plague or something....it pretty much sucks. I tried just the air conditioning...no good. Fans? No good. Air conditioning and two fans with a constant ice pack on the back of my neck while drinking iced water all day like its going out of style? Slightly bearable.

Distorted self-image
So I know that I am still the same person and Dan still finds me attractive and all that...but I can't seem to look at myself in the mirror for longer than to brush my teeth and hair. I hate my body for betraying me and I hate myself for accepting it and giving up the fight. I am hoping that this will change in time, or at least get easier, but if it doesn't you can expect many more blogs about the horrors of self-loathing.

I kid you not I have a new respect for anyone, any age, who has ever had to live through this. That being said, surgical menopause is harder than biological, ask any doctor. (I have to say this because there are certain people out there who seem to think that just because they had hot flashes once a week for 10 after giving birth four times that means they know what I am going through.) It is the second hardest thing I have ever had to do, the first being accepting that I would never have biological children and that I needed this hyst to get better. I know that it has only been two weeks and that it will take a long time, years even, to be completely ok with it...and I may never be completely ok with it, but I am hoping that one day I will be able to completely accept it.

As most of you will notice the blog has taken a large overhaul and re-doing, and I plan to post more often if the hopes of helping others who are going through the same thing I am. I also plan to add other things, such as a spin on wordless Wednesdays and maybe book reviews or something like that. If anyone has any ideas or suggestion I am totally open to them! I am also going to try to start tagging my posts so that new readers can easily find something they might be looking for. I am hoping to increase my readership with these things, because, lets face it, more followers makes anyone happy!

I might post again later tonight, maybe with the firsts of the series I am thinking about...maybe not. Depends if I am actually able to sleep later or not. In the mean time I hope everyone out in blogger land is well and that those that are in pain get some relief.

Spring with no ovaries

2010-04-14T20:52:00.000-07:00

Dan and I took Sassy to the dog park today, and it was the most time I have spent on my feet outside since the hyst. It was hotter than hell and I ended up with a blister, but NO PAIN. Not even a little bit. Like Dan had to stop me from running around with her because its only been a couple weeks. Its pretty much awesome.

I have pretty much but most ties with my family. I won't go into details on the internet because, well, I know they like to read the blog and use things I say against me, so I will just say that I will have to be one of those people who don't see their family often, which isn't the worst thing, being as my best support system comes in the form of my friends.

I haven't been blogging much lately because I have been actually journaling. Something about actually writing my thoughts down on the paper just makes me feel better, although I do feel pretty crummy about the lack of my updates here. Perhaps this is the start of me being better about that.

The title is Spring but there is no spring in Iowa. There is only winter and hotter-than-hell. Throw in the hot flashes and the fact that I generally run hot anyways and you have one cranky Sara Jean.

Foster/adopt classes start in June, and despite what certain people have told me lately I know that this is the way we are going to build our family.

I have started to read about Buddhism, and even though I am not turning my back on how I was raised, I find it interesting to learn about other customs and religions and maybe even practice the traditions in my own life. Thanks for my friend Sonja for recommending "Living Buddha, Living Christ" for a good place to start. Its a short read but I am very much enjoying it.

I plan to spend the rest of the evening looking for fun way to update the blog. I know I just did this but I seem to be more likely to actually post when I change it up, cause I am silly like that. I plan to post more tomorrow about how I am actually coping with the whole H word, but till then I hope you all out in blogger land have a MARvelous evening!

For my baby...

2010-04-13T21:56:00.001-07:00

I wrote this about a week before my hyst, and just found it again in my journal. Thought I would post it here, to share with my readers.

For Lydia Lane
Dear child I will never carry
I thought of you today
I looked into your eyes of blue
Before you ran away.
I wish I could have spoke to you,
Just said a word or two
To tell you how we hoped and prayed
How much we wanted you.
I feel like I have let you down,
Like there was more that we could do
But it is time to say goodbye,
Cause if I stay here I will drown
Inside this pain where you should be
This hurt down deep inside
I wish I could have put you there
God knows, dear girl, we tried.
But still inside is hurt and tears,
That fill this womb of mine
And even if it means no you,
Myself I must re-define.
I will let them take my womb
Along with any chance of you
In hopes that I will gain a life,
Though it won't be full without you.
I wish that I could make you see
This choice not really mine,
Is made by this that eats me up
This sickness deep inside.
This thing has taken everything
My health, my life, my dreams,
And what I trade to get them back
Is you, my girl unseen.
Please forgive me for giving up,
For saying farewell to you,
But I will always see your face
My girl,
With eyes of blue.

Home

2010-03-31T14:50:00.001-07:00

Surgery went well. I was there for one night and am back home in my own bed now. I will post a more thorough update when I am not so tired...just wanted to let my friends out in blogger land know that I am ok. And to thank all of you for the thoughts and prayers and kind words...they mean more to me than I could ever say!

Three Days

2010-03-27T23:05:00.000-07:00

So I know I haven't written much. Shame on me. I have been doing most of my writing in my actual journal since my hyst was scheduled. And now it is three days away. Three days. Well, two if I get no sleep tonight. I just wanted to put this post out into the world.....

I am scared.

I am angry.

I am hurting.

And I an hopeful.

And I also need some prayers and good thoughts guys!

For Sonja

2010-02-23T22:51:00.001-08:00

Sonja has been reminding me that I haven't blogged in awhile, so here I am blogging. Its late right now and I can't stay up any longer, so I promise I will write a big long one tomorrow...in the mean time...here is my news...

Foster/adopt is on hold

Because I am having a hysterectomy next month.

I know everyone is shocked.

More tomorrow.

Love ya Sonja!

A long over due post....

2010-01-22T01:48:00.000-08:00

I haven't written in weeks. I wish I could say it was because I have been so busy or something but really it is just pure lazy on my part. There is so much to say that it is pretty much going to be random and what my composition prof. would call "freewriting." Here goes

They want to do a hyst. FINALLY. I am waiting to hear from the surgeon about when and all that cause we are waiting for paperwork and stuff to go through since we are poor and can't pay out of pocket. I am thrilled and nervous and scared and excited all at the same time. I want my life back. Well, really I want my life AND my uterus but beggers can't be chosers I suppose.

Dan quit is temp job at TaxAct to stay and work from home full time so he can take care of me. The pain is so bad this time that I can't get in and out of the tub or on and off the toilet without help. Let me tell you, it takes a special kind of hubby that will help you stand up from the toilet while still telling you how much he loves you. He is my rock and I have no idea what I would ever do without him. One day he is going to make the most amazing father.

I started spring classes a couple weeks ago and they are all online since I can't drive or walk or pretty much anything anymore. I am liking them ok, and I am actually far ahead in all of them so that when I can actually get in for my surgery than I will be able to focus on getting better and not worrying about things coming up due. That is the plan anyways.

On February first Dan and I are taking our first class to become foster/adoptive parents in the state of Iowa. I am pretty nervous but excited too...because I know after this surgery I will be able to be a good mom and all that. We are still discussing the age group we want to go for, but other than that we are on the page and both UBER excited. We WILL be parents.

other than that there is not much new...I will try to post more often and keep my readers updates...I love you all!~

SUCH GOOD NEWS!!!!!

2010-01-12T16:02:00.000-08:00

Yaya is a mom!!!!! Please go share in their joy and say congrats!

http://www.yayastuff.net/2010/01/its-boy.html

Shopping

2010-01-03T21:16:00.000-08:00

I am helping my mother throw my sister a baby shower. I went and got her gifts tonight. I only broke down once and the sales lady asked if I was ok and when I told her "no" she said "is it friend or family?" Like she knew. How could she know?

Dear Lord....
Get me through the next couple months and if ya could....please don't have her go into labor early on my birthday or something...cause that is the newest nightmare. Please bring me peace and a baby.

Thanks

Sooooooo this birth control crap???

2010-01-02T09:21:00.000-08:00

NOT WORKING. I have given it FIVE periods and THREE months and its not working. I am still bleeding like a stuck pig. I still have to spend the first few days in bed because if I stand up there is...how do I say this? A gushing? A waterfall? Either way you put it its a mess. And the pain is unbearable. Monday the doctor shall get ANOTHER call about my other options. I hate this crap. I hate hate hate it.

Oh yeah, and I still have to go out in public and see everyone and their brother pregnant out to THERE with their three kids they have already covered in dirt and begging for attention from their 15-year-old mother who obviously doesn't give a hoot.

Dear Lord,
Take this pain away and give me peace. Please?

Ah the new year....

2010-01-01T18:22:00.000-08:00

Has started with my period. And a Migraine. Yay. And also the start of me getting my faith back...

Dear Lord, forgive me for doubting sometimes, and for not seeing your plan. If you could please show me what it is....and maybe give me some peace this year that would be great.

thanks.

Sleep.....

2009-12-29T17:49:00.000-08:00

Is somewhat important. Those who get this on a regular basis cannot possibly understand what it is like to not be able to get any. Those who get their 6-8 hours nightly probably think I am crazy...when really I just want to SLEEPPPPPP~~~!!!!!

That is all for now.

My Christmas Story

2009-12-28T17:56:00.000-08:00

Once upon a time there was a girl. This girl loved Christmas and dreamed about the day when she would get up in the middle of the night and wrap presents for her children from Santa the way her parents did for her. She wasn't even mad when she caught them that Christmas eve, she was excited. Excited to do the same thing for her own kids one day.

Then the little girl grew up. She met a nice young man and they decided to get married, and not long after that they decided to have a baby, because we all know, that is what young people in love tend to do sometimes!

They tried and tried and tried, but every month the little girl all grown up had her little death one morning, and each time it brought pain and sadness and tears. She prayed and prayed and hoped and hoped, but still the little girl all grown up was broken, and she didn't know why.

One day the little girl all grown up went to the doctor and they did an operation and when she woke up the doctor told the girl that she was very sick on the inside where no one could see, but that they had fixed most of her and they were going to give her medicine so that she and the nice young man could have a baby together. This made the girl very happy because they told her by Christmas she would be expecting her baby and things would be happy and healthy.

The girl went home with this very nice young man and tried and tried some more to have a baby. She took the medicine that the doctor gave her, and even though the medicine made her very sick she still took it, because she wanted a baby so badly.

Christmas time came and went that year and the girl was still not expecting her baby. She went back to the doctor and they told her that even with the medicine and the operation that maybe she was just too broken inside where no one can see and she should try this other medicine to help her body rest for awhile, and then maybe she could have a baby later. The girl decided she would try that, because after all, the nice young man and her wanted a family very badly, and were willing to wait if that is what it took.

For four months the little girl all grown up had the poison raging through her. It made her body think it was even more grown up, like she was an old woman, and her emotions and thoughts and memory were all affected by this magic medicine they gave her through a needle every month. The nice young man she married tried to be patient, but their very young marriage was falling apart. So even though the doctors told her not to, the girl decided to stop the medicine because she loved the young man very much and didn't much like the way she was anymore. So when the time came for her to get the 5th shot, she stayed at home instead and read through the baby names book she had bought so many years before.

The little girl all grown up and the nice young man read a book about how there are natural things you can do when you are broken inside where no one can see in order to have a baby. The girl and the nice young man tried all these things over and over and kept trying and trying, but still the girl did not get pregnant.

Pretty soon it was the time of year where the little girl all grown up and the nice young man would have a baby with them to decorate the tree, had the doctors not lied and filled the girl full of medicine and poison that doesn't work, and she was not broken inside where no one could see. Christmas time was always the girls favorite time of year, but this year it seemed broken and empty, and she was not able to get much joy at all anymore.

The little girl all grown up still hopes for a baby for her and the nice young man, but she has almost given up hope. She looks around at all the things she bought for her future baby, and instead prepares to give them to other people who are not broken inside. Now not only is her body broken inside where no one can see, but her mind is broken too. She has bad dreams and cries all the time and is just not happy at all, especially at Christmas time. The doctors keep giving her medicine, but this time it is to help her broken heart and mind and not her belly. She takes these medicines, even though she doesn't think they are helping very much. Call her crazy, but medicine hasn't really done its job for the little girl much lately, so even though she takes it, she still doesn't think they will work.

The little girl all grown up now writes stories about her dreams of being a mother and tries to enjoy time with the nice young man and the animals she has surrounded herself with the ease the pain and loss. She bites her tongue when people say that she shouldn't be so sad anymore and that she has had plenty of time to get over it. You see, in the girls mind there was a death, and she feels the pain just as much today as she did then. She avoids people and places that remind her that she is broken inside, and when she can't avoid those people and places she waits until she gets home with the nice young man and he holds her while she cries all her tears out. She wants so badly to enjoy Christmas again, but until she is a little fixed inside where no one can see, she will just keep in her head the dreams she had as a little girl, about how she would hide the secret of Santa until her children were old enough to know that fairy tales really don't come true.

Home

2009-12-16T19:58:00.000-08:00

Dan and I are home. Our own place. Our own kitchen. I took a bath with the door open and walked naked to my closet to get my slinky nightgown I haven't worn in 7 months because my in laws don't need to see my...well you know. Incidentally it doesn't fit. Too big. *BIG SMILE*

Sassy and Bandit are loving it...although Sassy is still getting used to being on the leash to poo. She'll get used to it.

Dan made me eggplant for dinner. It was seriously good. And I did the dishes. No more walking over dirty ones all over the floor.

The new bed the in laws got us for Christmas is wonderful. Even Dans back didn't hurt when we got up this morning.

We still don't have a couch but my parents are loaning us camping chairs...which is just as good as anything I suppose when you can sit in it in your own place.

The second bedroom is currently holding all Dans computer stuff and random things I have no place for.....but beyond those things I can see a crib. I see a playpen. I see HER.

I see Lydia Lane Culwell.

And I see HIM.

I see Elliott Issac Culwell.

I still see you sweetheart.....and I await your arrival as always Love, Mommy

When it rains.....its a fucking blizzard

2009-12-08T20:35:00.000-08:00

I am currently writing this from my parents house cause Dan and I are snowed in. Here by choice, though, because they are 20 miles closer to town then us. Anyway it has been snowing all day and even though I am trying not to think about it I can't help but think I am supposed to be a mom.

I was supposed to be pregnant last Christmas. I was supposed to get pregnant with no problems. I was SUPPOSED to never see an Iowa snow again. Now here I sit in my mothers living room trying not to cry while it snows a foot and a fucking half and I take my birth control pill because everyone seems to think that it helps. I hate this shit.

Fucking snow.

Fucking Iowa.

Fucking infertility.

Fucking endo.

Fucking blizzard that is my life.

Snowing

2009-12-03T12:20:00.000-08:00

It's snowing here in Iowa. I was never supposed to see an Iowa snow again. I am still here...and the cold embrace of winter is here again.

Award!

2009-12-02T23:29:00.000-08:00

I just got this award from Sonja at

The Rules:

* Share 7 things that you don't already know about me.
* Name 7 other blogs to receive this award.
* Leave a comment on each of the blogs I nominated.
* Thank the person who gave you the award.

Seven whole things huh???

1-As hard as it may be for those who follow to believe...I used to not want children. When I was a teenager my mom would say to me all the time she hoped I had a kid just like me and I would tell her it will never happen because I am never having kids.....guess I should have never said those things huh?

2-I drink my skim milk with ice in the glass through a straw. I don't think this is strange but others seem to.

3-I put all my favorite facebook games on my husbands account as well so I can send myself the gifts I want...it drives him crazy

4-All of my clothes are second hand or under 10 dollars. Yes, all of them. Even my Silver Jeans I found two pairs of for 8 bucks each :)

5-I am so bad about taking my meds every day that I have a site email me a reminder ever night

6-I am awake right now because the stupid internet only works sometimes in the middle of the night cause I live in the middle of nowhere in the middle of Iowa

7-Middle is my word of the day :)

7 Other Blogs...

1-Carrie at [carrotspeak.]
http://address-the-world.blogspot.com
I always look forward to a post from this future best-selling author

2-The Daily Nail
http://daily-nail.blogspot.com
A different nail polish design every day for a year...I wish I had this patience!

3-Miriam at Hannah Wept, Sarah Cried
http://hannahweptsarahlaughed.blogspot.com
I came across this blog through Sonja and I am loving it

4-Gina at On The Road to Baby
http://ginalou.blogspot.com
Gina and her hubby Kev recently conceived while battling endo AND pcos....an inspiration to those like me with both.

5-Alex at The Ins and Outs of Endo
http://theinsandoutsofendo.blogspot.com
A look at endo with some laughing in there as well!

6-Alyce at At Home with Books
http://athomewithbooks.blogspot.com
I just recently found this one and really enjoy it because her tastes in books seem to run along my own.

I don't have 7 because everyone else I would nominate has already been given this award! Congrats to those I chose and keep up the entertaining me!

Sonja....Thank you so much for this award. Your friendship and support has meant so much to me this past year and I am grateful and blessed to call you friend.

One more "little death"

2009-11-30T20:44:00.000-08:00

I read once about the "little deaths" that infertility brings every month. The familiar wetness between your legs that brings with it the red of death...the death of your chance to conceive that month. Even though I know that the chances are so low they are almost not even there...there is still that one little part of me that thinks maybe this time will be the time.

I started birth control pills this last month. Even though I knew the white pills were coming they still caught me by surprise. Last night I took the first one, and today the pain came just like every other time, and tonight...my little death.

Is it still a death when I know that that stupid pill makes it even more impossible? Is it still something to mourn when there was never anything there to begin with? Even though I know through months of therapy and talking with friends that I have every right to feel this way...I still feel guilty.

I feel guilty that I have all these things to be thankful for and yet all I can think about is everything I don't have. I feel guilty because the only thing I could ever want for Christmas no one can ever give to me, and I hate that. I feel guilty that I can't look at myself in the mirror and see who I am and not some broken woman. I feel guilty that I can't make love to my husband and enjoy it because all I can think about is how nothing will come of it but one simple moment of pleasure. Thats almost the worst of all...because I know he deserves something better than that.

I am on these magic pills that are supposed to make everything better. I always said that I would never go on anti-depressants again and yet here I am taking the little blue pill they keep increasing the dosage of in some attempt to make it work better. Right next to those stupid birth control pills. And the pain pills. And the anxiety pills. And the nausea pills. And the pills pills pills. Why is it that these little things are supposed to make everything ok? Nothing is getting any more ok than it was before the pills, so why still take them? Why still pretend that tere is some end to this feeling inside, and these stupid things are going to help me get there?

I know I shouldn't complain so much. I know that the doctors are trying to come up with the "right" dosage and all that crap...but its been months! When am I going to start feeling better? When am I going to be able to look at all the good things in my life and not just the bad. I am about to move out of this basement and into our own apartment. Dan just got a great job, and things are finally starting to look up. And all I can think is broken.

Broken.

Broken.

Broken.

Its not just my womb anymore. Its not just my useless body now. Its me. I, me, myself...WHO I AM....is broken.

So what is the little death? Is it the fact that another month has gone by without the blessing I pray for daily? Or is it me? Am I just a series of little deaths? When will they stop? When will I be a life again?

Thanksgiving

2009-11-26T06:46:00.000-08:00

I am thinking of all the things I am thankful for this year....these are in no particular order :)

Dan-he makes my world go 'round

Sassy-She is my little white knight...I love her more every day

Bandit-My sweet boy who came home to me!

My Mom-My best friend and truest mirror.

My Dad-My biggest fan

Maggie-even though we don't always get along, I love her

Nancy-My little sister who is not so little anymore

Vicky-My SIL who has shown me real sisterhood

Sam-My SIL who has shown me the joy of food

Joe and Susan-Dans parents who have taken me in as their own

Ham-I am always thankful for ham

So many other things......

What are YOU thankful for?

Ignorance

2009-11-11T09:58:00.000-08:00

I would like to post today about the ignorance and stigma that unfortunately still surround chronic illness. As much as I wish it wasn't this way, I get up and face the battle of fighting the win-less fight every day. For those of you who are faithful followers you know the battles I face...but for those of you who are just stopping by now and then to check up on me to use my posts to hurt me...let me enlighten you.

A chronic illness is basically one that will not go away. I have many, if you think about it. I have Endometriosis, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, Migraines, and recurrent Pelvic Inflammatory Disease. None of these has as cure really to speak of, only treatments that sometimes work and sometimes don't. I have been on many different treatments without much success. Let me tell you (those who are too ignorant to educate themselves) about what my days are like.

IF I am lucky enough to wake up without pain I am never able to make it to the bathroom without it coming on. I have spots of Endo and adhesions on my bladder and bowels, and it is painful to have a full bladder or have a bowel movement. On the worst days I sometimes have blood in my urine and stool, and while in your world this would be cause for concern, for me it is just par for the course. I have to watch what I eat for breakfast and how much of it I eat because there are many foods that either trigger a migraine or are too heavy, starchy, or just plain hard for my diseased bowels to pass. With my breakfast I take 17 supplements to replace the nutrition I am losing from not eating the foods that you can eat. Along with that I take a non-narcotic pain killer, whether the pain is bad yet or not, just to stave off any pain that is waiting to pop up. Then I get on the internet and check my many sites where I communicate with other women who have the same issues. Yes, I spend hours talking with them, but they help me, and I hope I help them. They are my friends, and some of the very few people in my life who if they don't actually suffer, at least educate themselves about the disease I battle because they love me. And that is my morning.

I could go on but, unfortunately, like the unpredictable pain does, it has come again and now I have to go take more pills and get in the hot bath before my head betrays me with a migraine. I will post my afternoons later...if I don't hear from you before then with the apology for your ignorance that I am owed.

I would die for that

2009-11-01T19:05:00.000-08:00

I just found the best song for saying how I feel...I shall post the link and lyrics now.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JqfGqOx2iDQ

Jenny was my best friend.
Went away one summer.
Came back with a secret
She just couldn't keep.
A child inside her,
Was just too much for her
So she cried herself to sleep.

And she made a decision
Some find hard to accept.
To young to know that one day
She might live to regret.

But I would die for that.
Just to have one chance
To hold in my hands
All that she had.
I would die for that.

I've been given so much,
A husband that I love.
So why do I feel incomplete?
With every test and checkup
We're told not to give up.
He wonders if it's him.
And I wonder if it's me.

All I want is a family,
Like everyone else I see.
And I won't understand it
If it's not meant to be.

Cause I would die for that.
Just to have one chance
To hold in my hands
All that they have.
I would die for that.

And I want to know what it's like
To bring a dream to life.
For that kind of love,
What I'd give up!
I would die for that.

Sometimes it's hard to conceive,
With all that I've got,
And all I've achieved,
What I want most
Before my time is gone,
Is to hear the words
"I love you, Mom."

I would die for that.
Just to have once chance
To hold in my hands
What so many have
I would die for that.

And I want to know what it's like
To bring a dream to life.
How I would love
What some give up.
I would die ...
I would die for that.

Soooo....

2009-10-30T19:38:00.001-07:00

I know I said I would post yesterday, but now I can't even post today because my period is here and I can barely sit here to say sorry to all of you for not making good on my promise to update. I really will try this weekend.

oh how I need...

2009-10-28T21:43:00.001-07:00

to try to update more often. It just seems like every time a get a few minuted they are taken up by something. So here I am letting you all know that tomorrow I PROMISE to get a post up about everything that is going on.....till then just pray for me

Here is Autumn....and an update

2009-09-19T20:00:00.000-07:00

For once I am about to make good on my promise of posting the next day. I will try to tough on everything that has been happening lately, as I know I have been lacking in my updates.

My pain is slowly but surely getting to be constant again. For almost 6 months I have been able to get through the days without much pain, and I can see now that eventually I will be right back where I was before...constantly in pain. Although I know this is coming, I am hopeful that I will be able to continue to go to school and spend time with my family. This is my hope.

I see my sister often, and even as much as it pains me to see her glowing as she does, I am trying my best to be happy and prepare myself to be the best aunt I can be. When I see little trinkets that I would love for my own child I try to get them for hers. I smile when she shows me her ultrasound pictured and complains about morning sickness, and I keep my tears for Dan and I at home. I cry often for my loss that seems to be her gain. She has everything I have ever wanted, and it pains me so. My only comfort is knowing that even though it has not happened yet, I WILL be a mother one way or another, and I hope that the wait will make it all that sweeter.

School is going better than I thought it would. I am doing my best and it is paying off in good grades. I am hoping the constant pain will not come back before I can get through this semester, and I am currently spending lots of time looking at prospective schools to transfer to. My current first choice is a school in Florida that offers a five year Bachelors/Masters program in Biology. There is still much planning to do before I make a decision, but every day brings me closer to getting my degree and doing something with my life. On a side note I would like to say that even though science is what I choose to study the most of...I HATE CHEMISTRY! I spend most of the time in that class wishing that I was sitting in Biology or even Math, because those I am so much better at.

My furry ones are doing well. Sassy follows me wherever I go and I seldom leave without her beside me. She is one of the few constants in my life, and I love her more than I can put into words. God sent her to me to be my baby until he sees fit to bless me with one of my own. Bandit spends most days outside chasing bugs and laying in the sunshine, and at night he sleeps beside us. He is the best cat in the world (although I am sure Sonja would say otherwise hehe) and I love him.

Other than that there is nothing else of interest happening, and although I am busy with school I hope to update more often, but for now I am off to snuggle with the most handsome man in the world and to love the ones dear to me, for they seem to be all I have these days.

Too Tired

2009-09-18T21:24:00.000-07:00

I fully intended on a post tonight, but as you all can see I have made my blog all pretty and as much as I want to continue on the computer tonight, I have a handsome man and two furry things in my bed that are calling to me...so tomorrow the update shall come.

WARNING-CONTAINS PICTURE OF ICKY FOOT STITCHES

2009-09-14T18:29:00.000-07:00

So since I have written last I cut my foot. I know, I know, those who actually know me know that this isn't exactly headline news, because I am indeed a klutz who doesn't watch where she is going as she should. Anyways, I was on the phone and walking out of my bedroom when I stepped on (I think) a shelf bracket. It didn't even hurt when I did it but as soon as I saw it I knew I was in trouble time. A very large piece of the skin on the bottom of my foot was hanging off. Lovely, I know. So I had to get 7 stitches in the bottom of my foot. The picture is only to see how many of you I can freak out lol!

Awake

2009-09-06T23:40:00.000-07:00

I can't sleep. I wasn't feeling well this afternoon so I took a rather long and super comfy nap with my Bandit and Sassy...although I am paying for it now because I am wide awake...although grateful to my friend Jenny for being awake and chatting with me at this ungodly hour! There isn't really much to say that I didn't say in my last post, other than my shoulder is kinda achy and I am worried about my grandfather. He isn't doing so well and is in the hospital up in North Dakota. I am hoping and praying that he pulls through....

My shoulder is sore from digging up this horrid bush at my mothers the other day. I dug it up good....but now my shoulder is killing me.

So thats all I guess...I am gonna go eat something now cause I am feeling shaky....

Thankful

2009-09-05T18:30:00.000-07:00

believe it or not folks...I am here. Still. I was going to move my blog but that turned out to be more of a pain in my ass than I wanted it to be so here I am writing here again. I would have written sooner but the stupid server hasn't let me on for weeks and I just spent the last hour reading up on my bloggy friends! So here I go with an update for all of those who care....

Dan

Dan and I are actually doing really well. The fighting has stopped for the most part and we are getting along great. Most of the time I look at him and think I have done nothing to deserve something so wonderful...and I am thankful.

Bandit and Sassy

What can I say? I love them, they love me, we play, we cuddle....they are my children for now and I am thankful

School

I started school last week again...giving it another shot at my Biology degree. It is going well, and I have only missed one class due to pain, and for that, I am thankful.

Zoloft

My doctor has put me on Zoloft to help with the depression. I don't think it is doing anything yet but everyone else seems to think it is..so I guess for that I am thankful.

Maggie and the Baby

Although it kills me every time I think about the fact that I am barren, I am trying very hard to be excited about being an Aunt. I will strive to be the best one I can be and hopefully I will do that little baby justice. I love my sister and I am thankful that her and my family are being understanding about how hard this is for me. I am thankful she is healthy so far, and I hope for a safe delivery of my first little nephew (yes, I KNOW its a boy lol)

Finally!

2009-08-22T19:18:00.000-07:00

For those of you who have been following me I am sorry for the delay in getting a post up...stupid blogger hasn't let me log in for like a week! I have decided not to move my blog, cause fuck that...if someone doesn't like what I have to say then they don't have to read it. I will no longer be a slave to what mean people think. I am too tired tonight to write a full update, but I promise tomorrow I will sit down and really get it done...love you all!

Anyone want to know.....

2009-08-10T23:18:00.001-07:00

why I hate it here in the pit of hell? this is why.

http://www.kcrg.com/news/local/52924272.html

Blog has moved!!!

2009-08-04T22:19:00.000-07:00

Okay peeps this is it! I will continue to blog here on blogger as it is being imported to my new blog. However if there is content that I don't want certain people to see I will only be posting those on my new blog site, so you will have to go there to read it. These posts will be password protected and the information to access it will only be given to those trusted people who ask. It will not be given to those who wish to use my feelings and what I write to exploit me. My email is saraculwell@yahoo.com if you want to access info!

Blog Moving...

2009-08-04T14:41:00.000-07:00

So I will be moving my blog to someplace else, being as there are eyes reading it that it was never meant for...Hi Maggie, Happy reading. For those of you who are avid followers, I will be letting you know where to access the new blog. For those of you who are only reading to have something to throw in my face and make me feel bad.....look elsewhere.

Today

2009-08-03T22:24:00.000-07:00

I had to see my sister today. All hell hit the fan. I am seriously not ok....although after the yelling stopped I was able to sit there and talk about names and didn't cry till she left. I am just not ok.

Thinking.....

2009-08-01T17:45:00.000-07:00

I hate my life

"Eh, whatever"

2009-07-30T18:26:00.000-07:00

So I went out to some garage sales today with my mom. She knew that Dan was going out to look for work and I would be alone and I am pretty sure from the way she acted all day that she is sure I am going to off myself over Maggie being pregnant. I don't need to off myself....I am already dead.

So anyways we are at this garage sale and there is a large table with lots of baby things on it, and even though it hurt like hell I thought maybe there would be cute things that we could pick up for them. So there was this really nice crib that was hardly used and was just super nice (the kind that turns into a toddler bed, then a twin, and so one) and it was only 20 bucks so I said to my mom that we should get it for her. So she calls Maggie and her and Tyler (her husband) are sitting at the DHS office (because why not have a kid when you can't afford it, right? Everyone else does) and my mom asks if we should pick it up. Maggie asks Tyler and he says "NO, I dont want a USED crib and we have NINE months. Umm...yeah. You are sitting there at the DHS office getting FREE FUCKING MONEY because you are broke ass people and you are going to turn your nose up at a FREE CRIB?!?!?! Needless to say I was pretty pissed. So after that we keep seeing all these baby things that Mama wanted to buy and I finally had to go to the car and stay there because it was about killing me that here my mom wanted to buy all these baby things for them and they are just stupid stupid stupid and I am not pregnant and my life blows.

So THEN Dan and I are sitting there when Tyler brings their dog over (because they cant even take care of their dog by themselves, so yeah, they should have a baby) and I didnt say anything to him because I knew that I would cry...so Dan says "Tyler congrats man." and Tyler says "Eh, whatever" and rolls his eyes. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME???????? The man has no idea how lucky he is and even if he is stupid enough not to realize it he should have enough respect for us not to say "whatever" when we swallow how sad we are to tell him congrats. Stupid Stupid Stupid little boy who is about to be the father of my first niece or nephew. So not only did she get knocked up before me....she let a broke retard do the knocking up. SO PISSED!

Update

2009-07-29T23:26:00.001-07:00

I added pics to my post about Backbone...there are tons more on my facebook if you want to go check them out!

Dead

2009-07-29T13:25:00.000-07:00

My sister is pregnant.

Help

2009-07-29T10:53:00.001-07:00

Ok anyone who knows how to get one of the cool blog templates from online to on here would you PLEASE let me know!

Backbone State Park

2009-07-29T10:14:00.000-07:00

So I said I would blog about my trip to Backbone state park with Dan and Vicky, and late is better than never...so here goes!

So the other day was one of those very few and far between beautiful days in Iowa. None of us wanted to sit around here all day and waste the pretty weather, so we decided that we should head to Backbone and do some hiking and general outdoorsy stuff.

The park is like an hour from here (the middle of nowhere) and when we got there, although we were disappointed at the large number of people there, we were excited. I had never been and Dan hadn't been since he was young, so Vicky was acting as our guide. I hate it here so much, but I will say that being there reminded me that there is beauty in all things if you are willing to look for it.

The first thing we did was head to Backbone Cave. Vicky had been there before and said it was pretty cool. For those of you who don't know I suffer from a slight case of claustrophobia, so before I saw the thing I was not even sure that I was going to head in...but I figured I would give it a shot.

*note* I have been trying for three days to get pics of all this to come up with no luck....so you may have to use your imagination on how things looked.

So we get into the cave and I actually did really well, heading about halfway back before I had to turn around and find the light again. I think if I wasn't so scared of the small space it would have been pretty cool to be in there longer and enjoy the cool things there were to see. Either way the cave was cool and we spent about an hour going in and out and talking to people there.

After the cave we went on the "cave trail" that goes up over the cave and around again. It was pretty cool...more like actual hiking then just walking on a trail (my muscles hurt BAD the next day). Dan got some pretty cool pictured of wildlife and plants and when we got back to the car we were pretty filthy so we headed to the stream to wash off.

The streams at this park are super cool. All the bridges are underwater bridges so its like tons of little waterfalls everywhere you go. We hung out on the bridge and did some wading around for awhile and then headed to the springs.

Richmond Springs were SUPER COOL! Its this spring that shoots out 2000 gallons of water every minute and send the water to all these streams that the cool bridges are over. The water is a constant 48 degrees and there are trout EVERYWHERE. You can see all the fish cause the water was crystal clear. Apparently the water used to be piped to the hatchery in the park but they have since closed it...so no baby fishies for Sara...although Vicky and I did crawl around in the holes that were left.

After the springs we went to the "beach" where the stream was calm and sandy and did some wading. There is a series of pictures of me where it looks for sure like I am falling and almost did....but I caught myself every time. I got pretty wet and tired and despite Vicky wanting to go on the other trails we called it a day after that...I was pooped and in some pain.

I was pretty stoked that I made it was far as I did, even though at the end I felt bad for having to cut everyone elses day short because I was in pain. I guess I have to take what I can get, and the other day I got a fun day with my handsome husband and his silly sister. I will try to post those pics again, although with the internet here I am not going to guarantee anything. Till next time! Peace!

Blog coming tonight...

2009-07-28T17:47:00.000-07:00

I planed to blog about my recent trip to Backbone state park, but the internet is being stupid and now I have to wait till free access time at 1 am to get my pics to upload for it....so there will be one in a few hours!

This is copied lol

2009-07-26T23:31:00.000-07:00

Okay so I am having to write this in office so that I am sure if blogger decides to be stupid yet again and delete my post then I will be able to go here and have it without having to re-write everything.....
So here we go again...
We aren't moving to Florida, as most of you know, because Dan couldn't find a job and we are pretty much too broke to do anything. Where are we living then, you may ask, as I spoke before of selling our home to be able to move. Well, folks, I am 25 years old and living with my in-laws. Thats right, I am sleeping on a mattress in the middle of the basement where the whole world can see me and I have to go behind the water heater to change my clothes. I have no privacy, and not only do I have nothing really to my name, all the things that are here are nasty. Thats right, packrats. Not that there is anything wrong with keeping everything that you ever got in your entire life....whatever...to each their own...you should, however, should you chose to keep these things, keep them clean. I kid you not I have to walk over dirty dishes to even get to the sink. I cleaned the whole kitchen one day...top to bottom...took me all day, literally. What did it get me? A day of a clean kitchen. Three days later I was walking over the dirty ones all over again. Do they mind living like this? Apparently not, being as I have yet to see anyone do anything to make it any different.
There is no cable here. One would think that that would prevent this next problem, and yet it doesn't seem to. It doesn't matter what time of day it is, where everyone is at, or what anyone is doing, the TV is ALWAYS on full blast. There are times (more than once a day mind you) that I will go in the living room to the TV on as high as it will go on some stupid public TV channel because that is all we get...and there is no one watching it!!! Just no one...not even a dog sitting in the room. So what do I do? I turn the damn thing off. Three hours later I get hollared at for turning the TV off! Hello?!?!?!?! There was no one watching it! GOD! Oh, and could I EVER watch the news around here? Nope, we don't care about what is going on the the world around here because Barney is on. Yes, Barney. I kid you not. So I have to read my news on the internet, that is when it is working....
The internet is never working here. We live in bum-fuck Iowa so the only internet we have is the kind where if it decides you have had enough internet for today it just stops working. Or if it is cloudy it stops working. Or rainy, or windy, or sunny, or if it is just having a bad day and wants to piss Sara off, it stops working. Why is this important? Because since I am STILL stuck in this stupid state and we live so far outside of stupid town that I can't afford to drive to class everyday the only way I can be a full time student is to take....you guessed it...online classes. Well, so that is all shot to pot so I am only part time. No difference, though, because we all know its only a matter of time before the dreaded “E” word comes barreling back into the center of my life instead of just staying in the sidelines as a minor annoyance...
The “E” word we all know is Endometriosis. For the longest time I thought that it was at least simmering down for awhile. Wrong. Yesterday was such a pretty day that Dan, Vicky, and I decided to go hiking and check out backbone park (I will blog about that and post pics here when the internet is workign lol) and about halfway up this mountain thing I started to have cramps. I didn't complain though because I know that everyone gets timed of hearing me complain about being hurt and I know that Dan was eexcited that it was me who suggested the trip in the first place, cause usually I would never think of it because of the pain. So today, despite the good time, I am stuck pretty much in bed, and I have no internet because, like we learned earlier, my life sucks here.
So that is pretty much all she wrote for now. I really did have a good time at Backbone and I will write more later just about that so there are some happy things for my readers to read about. I will be posting more often now, I think, being as there is nothing better to do and I am stuck in this horrible place I may as well try to be entertaining to others. I will write more soon, till then I wish my Endo and PCOS sisters a pain-free day and the rest of you a good afternoon!!! Peace!

GAHHHHHHHHH

2009-07-25T22:19:00.000-07:00

it did it AGAIN!!!!!!!

GAH

2009-07-24T22:45:00.000-07:00

I just spent an hour writing a blog and it erased it....

I will try again tomorrow

IT

2009-06-24T23:30:00.000-07:00

I can't make myself not think about it. For a few weeks there I would go hours or even days at a time without thinking about how I am broken and weak. These days I can't seem to think of anything other than that. I can't even look at myself in the mirror for more than a few seconds because I can't stand what I am seeing anymore. All I see are my failures and my faults. And there are so many of them. I feel so very old and jaded....and I hate myself for it.

I don't even know where to start.....

2009-06-23T21:15:00.000-07:00

How do I begin to even describe how I am feeling these days?? With an update on everything...

FLORIDA
For those of you who don't know a few weeks ago Dan and I sold our home in anticipation of moving to Florida so that I could continue my schooling and we could not be in the pit of hell that is Iowa anymore. Long story short...Dan got offered tow jobs but neither paid well enough for us to move there on and so now here we are with nothing but clothes, pets, and a few kitchen things living in his parents basement with just a curtain between his sister and us so that even if I felt like it (which I don't lately) I can't put the moves on him unless the light across the curtain is out and we are sure she's asleep. How long are we here for you may ask? Who freakin knows. The pit of hell apparently wants to keep its hold on me for a little longer and whatever....whats a few more months of not being able to leave the house without being reminded that every single day is just one day closer to my death here in the pit of hell? Whats a little longer misery to me? I hate this.

ENDO
I went of the Lupron a few months ago and last week my period was actually on time. Bring on the pain. I haven't been in pain like that in awhile and the only thing that I can say about it is that at least it was only for a few days. I am still pretty sure that I have endo on my sciatic nerve because my stupid legs both went out on me at about day three and stayed that way through the end. I can feel it inside me, growing every month, every day even. Its never gonna go away and even if I can for one moment forget that I am not a mother and maybe never will be the knowledge that my femininity has been stolen from me is always there in the front of my mind. I would love to find a treatment that actually works while not fucking with my head, but sadly, no luck yet. The doctors want me to go back on the Lupron, that there was no other option and another surgery was out of the question. I told them to shove it to hell and am now on the search for someone new again that will listen. It will never end.

PCOS
Nothing new here....my left ovary always hurts. Always.

So there ya go folks. There is prolly way more news than that but lets face it....the only thing I see is the children I can't have and the pain I am in all the time....what else is there? This is not rhetorical people.....someone PLEASE tell me what there is other than this constant heartache.

Lovely Blog Award!!!

2009-05-18T19:19:00.000-07:00

Ok I have not been as good as I should have been about keeping people updated...but tomorrow I promise I shall!

I just received my first blog award from my good friend Jenn! I am supposed to put the logo on here but I can't figure it out so I suppose I shall wait till I can to get that up and to give the award on. A big thanks to her for the award....it makes me feel extra special!

And again, I promise tomorrow I shall update everyone on all the exciting news!!

Post Mothers Day Update

2009-05-12T08:57:00.000-07:00

Ok I know I haven't really written anything in awhile and what better time than today? I am not going to go into detail about what happened...Sonja knows the horror that was Sunday. I don't want people reading the details all over the internet so lets just say...it could have been worse, but just barely.

Everywhere I looked there were families. They were fishing and hiking and just being happy spending the one day in Iowa that it was beautiful together. Every time I tried to think of happy things and go to my happy place there were children there too. Of course it does not help that of all days my period decided that Mothers Day is the day to come raging back into my life and bring with it the kind of pain that brings me to my knees. I didn't need the pain to bring me to my knees that day, I was already there. How can those of us with this pain be expected to be the bearer of gifts and flowers and pretend like we are happy for those who are lucky enough to have what we have been denied? How am I supposed to sit there and watch mothers yelling at their children for them just being children and not be completely pissed off? Do they now know how lucky they are? Do they not know that there are those of us whose bodies just don't do what they are supposed to do, and therefore we will never get that miracle? I would KILL for my child to spill his milk or lose a shoe or even mouth off to me. No one who has this joy seems to know that that is exactly what it is...a joy that they should cherish and love and be thankful for every day of their lives. There is no way to describe how painful it was for me...except to say if I EVER hear another women whine about the pain of childbirth I am going to scream...because yes, that may have hurt, but imagine Mothers Day without being a mother.

Sassy saved me really. She sat on my lap and walked beside me and even hiked for a little bit with me without doing her usual prissy thing where she does what she wants when she wants. She licked my face and jumped in my arms when I said "come to mommy." She even got me a card and a photo, although I suppose daddy helped with that...but what three-year-old doesn't need help with that? :)

I am already dreading next year, although I figure that if I got through this one maybe I can do it again. But I will never ever EVER look around a restaurant or park on a family holiday and wonder why there are always just a few that look like they want to kill themselves or someone else, because I have been that person, and will prolly be again.

So that was the dreaded day. If you want more details cause you like the juicy stuff lol...and trust me it is...message me or gimme a call or whatever, y'all know how to reach me. I am off now to pretend like it doesn't still hurt. Wish me luck.

Happy Fucking Mothers Day

2009-05-06T19:17:00.000-07:00

If I see one more freakin baloon boasting congrats to women who are not broken everywhere I am going to scream! As if it isn't enough that I have to listen to the woes of the stupid women who don't know how lucky they are in the grocery store line complaining about sore nipples are something equally tragic, I also have to run about doing errands as if there is some sort of arrow pointing at my head saying "LOOK!!! An infertile woman!!! Lets make her feel worse, shall we?" GRRR. I will post more when I have the time and my computer isn't dying but until then, I propose a holiday....the holiday of "Shut the fuck up and keep your kids at home so I don't have to feel any more sorry for myself!"

This is what I think of packing.....

2009-04-22T10:15:00.001-07:00

it BLOWS

The Plan

2009-04-17T19:36:00.000-07:00

We are selling everything that we can part with....including the trailer. We are moving in with Dans parents till we sell enough to move. We are getting the hell outa here. I can't be here anymore. Its breaking me....always has been. Thats the plan. Now you all know. Warmer days and NOT Iowa here we come.

Charity begins.....in the unempoyment office

2009-04-16T06:54:00.000-07:00

I got laid off. Apparently the good people at the MDA have decided that they don't need to pay 5 temps to do what three salaried employees can do for free (kinda, you know what I mean). Either way, it blows and now Dan and I are both unemployed. How fantastic. He has a new temp job starting in two weeks but my question is what the hell are we supposed to do until then? And even after then, as the new job is only 4 hours a day 10 bucks an hour. That works out to us being 2,000 bucks in the hole every month, assuming that I stop all meds and we don't eat. If I stop blogging its because I had to cancel my internet and I have killed myself because of the lack out outside contact. Have I mentioned lately that I HATE MY LIFE?

The holiday of childless people

2009-04-11T08:53:00.000-07:00

Just so everyone out there knows....if I see one more little kid looking for an Easter egg I am going to scream.

Why is it that every single holiday is marketed at kids? I used to meet these holidays with the joy that maybe that would be my last one without a child to share it with. Now they all just annoy me. How is it that they can take any freakin holiday and turn it into something to do with children? I want to know where the childless people holidays are. The holidays where all of us, either by choice or circumstance, who don't have children, get together and exchange gifts and drink and be merry and have a good time without the pregnancy of the world literally shoved in our faces. Where is this day. Perhaps I should make it today, in which case, I am off to buy more wine and be merry with myself.

There isn't much else to say. I hereby claim today the day of childless people. Have fun....if you still can.

Headaches and Heartache

2009-04-09T15:33:00.000-07:00

I have a headache. It started yesterday as a dull inconvenience and has slowly grown into a raging roar right behind my right eye. I blame my new job. Its not hard by any means...pick up the phone, pitch, and up the phone after getting yelled at. Really no biggie. Note to all, though...if I charity calls you and you are genuinely too cheap or lazy to help out, please just tell the person on the other line the truth, rather than going into some really long rant about how I, 500 miles away, should have known now to call in the middle of your AA meeting while you mother is dying and your dog is going through Prozac withdrawal. I hate my life sometimes.

I have to stay, though. We woke up this morning to freezing cold and no hot water...problem? No gas. Solution? A check that is sure to bounce driven across town in the wee hours of the morning while I cry about not wanting to go to work and Dan convinces me to go in. We need the money. I need excision surgery like no one would believe, and I need the hell out of Iowa even more. Neither one of those things happens without me working and earning more money, therefore, I stay. Please don't misunderstand, though, its a great cause and when I get a "yes" I feel really good that I am doing my part. When I get a "no," "fuck off," or the more usual than you would think "I don't believe in charity," I feel like wow I hate my life and would just as soon stay at home and call random people in the phone book and ask them to donate to the "Sara needs gas to take a hot shower cause she has a headache cause of cheap-ass people" fund. What do I tell myself to get through the day? Nothing. I pretend it isn't me and that the life I am living is the dream and the dreams are my life. This has been working out well for me...although its put me in therapy....all the more reason to keep working I suppose.

Where is the heartache I spoke of in the title? I am so glad you asked. Its not really anything new. Just the usual "I hate my life why can't I have a baby why does everything suck so damn much" rant that so many of you have already heard before. Mostly it just sounded cool in the title, and it worked, cause here you are reading this. Now all I need is some baby food company to pay me lots of money to advertise on my blog to make the irony come full circle.

There really isn't much else...I have to go clean my house and clean my hair with cold water...I hate being dirty. I will close with the ever popular I hate my life....and wish you readers a happy Easter and hope that tomorrow the sun will shine brighter. Although it probably won't because I live in the land of never-ending Winter that is Iowa. *Sigh*

Sara's rules for commenting...

2009-04-03T17:33:00.000-07:00

okay, those of you who are normal followers and frequent supporters, this is not meant for you...this is meant for those who do not know me personally and have never spoken to me except through this blog....

I have endo sisters and close friends that I ask for opinions when I want them. For those of you who only know me because of this blog, you don't really know me. When I want to reach out and ask for other peoples opinions I will do so...until then please leave your uninformed thoughts to you own blog.

Yes, I did drugs when I was younger, and yes, I am aware that is wasn't good for me. Just who the hell do you think you are, telling me what was and wasn't good for me? Trust me when I say that there are plenty of people in my life that make me feel guilty for my past choices, myself included, and I do not need those who have never even spoken to me telling me what they think I should have could have would have done. I am not an idiot and I am well aware. For you to imply that the reason I am in the boat I am in is because of choices I made when I was younger makes you just as ignorant as those who knew me then and think the same thing. Until you are in MY shoes, you have no place to judge.

If I need religious advice I will be sure to ask those who I know and trust. If I choose to believe or not to believe in certain deities that is my choice. Again, there are plenty of people in my real life who thrust their uneducated opinions in my face on a daily basis. My relationship with God is between me and God, and no one else. While I appreciate the prayers you so kindly offered, that is all that is needed. Please keep your opinions on religion and God to those who ask.

I am well aware of the treatment options that are available to me, and I alone will make the choice when and if to pursue those options. You are not my doctor, and you are not one of my trusted friends, so until you are either of those, please offer your thoughts to someone who asked for them. If I choose a particular treatment, even if you think it is stupid, please either be my friend and support me or don't be my friend and don't-but shut up about it. AGAIN, I have plenty of people in my own family that think they know what is best for me and my body, and I don't listen to them, either, except to take their thoughts into consideration. Those thoughts that I use to make my own decision come from those who I trust, not those who have only known about me what I have chosen to share in this blog. If you look at my reasons for starting this blog you will see that I am NOT a doctor, nor do I claim to know any better than one what is best for someone else. I would never come to your blog and disrespect a choice you have made regarding your own treatment, so please give me the same respect.

Please do not send me links to "helpful" website that do nothing but advocate your own opinion. What you chose for your own research is your choice, and I respect that. Please show me the same consideration, and please know that I know PLENTY of site, thank you very much.

This last bit is meant not only for the inconsiderate person whose mean thoughts are no longer in my comment section, but for anyone who comes across this who knows someone who is suffering from infertility......

The LAST thing any of us want or need to hear is that we are young and to stop stressing. That is just mean, uneducated, and disrespectful. If I hear one more time that I should just adopt I am going to SCREAM! I am well aware that that is an option for me, along with the millions of other women in my situation. We are ALL aware of this, and while that may be an option in the future...COULD YOU PLEASE LET US GRIEVE OUR LOSS!!!!!!!! It is not always the loss of future pregnancies we are grieving. While that is at the top of many lists, there are dozens of other things that hurt us just as badly and until you are US (which, by the way, is impossible) you will never know. Things bother me that don't bother friends I have even though we are all suffering the same problems. No two people are the same, and to assume that adoption is an option for everyone is just the same as assuming the best way to quit smoking for one person is the same for all smokers. Please, if you know and/or love someone who is suffering from infertility, please only offer your opinion on family building when you are asked. We do not need to hear about the options.....we are all aware of them.

There are those of you reading this who know this is not directed towards you, and to those...I LOVE YOU TO PIECES! You are my friends...and I don't know what I would do without you.

One of those moments...

2009-04-02T23:01:00.000-07:00

I am having one of those moments. One of those moments where I am sitting here really thinking about the fact that I am childless. I hate these moments. They are usually late at night when Dan and all the animals are asleep and there in no one to talk to. These moments break my heart. How fair is it that I am sitting here with the room and the love and the desire for a child while there are teenagers out there getting knocked up on their first try? How fair is it that I have to explain to my family for the 500th time that they really don't get it? I don't need to hear about how using the same soap got my parents pregnant forever ago. I don't need to hear my sisters twisted opinions about Endometriosis and the pain that comes with it. I don't need to hear about how ALL the girls I went to high school with are parents, and that most of them aren't even married. I HATE THIS.

If I see one more mother being mean or not paying attention to their child while I am sitting there waiting for my therapy appointment to talk about the fact that I am barren I am going to scream. How fair is it that they put the poor women like me in the room to wait with all the pregnant people? Couples holding hands and looking at ultrasounds and women with babies waiting for the doctor to come out and tell them that they are perfectly healthy and that there is nothing wrong with their body; unlike mine which seems to fall apart every time I turn around. This is NOT fair, and I just do NOT accept it.

My therapist and I have been talking lots about how I have the right to be angry. I have the right to grieve my loss and to have it affect me, because that is just what it is, a loss. No one else seems to get this. I mean, for the first couple months they seemed to be really understanding and said they understood how angry and upset I was...but now its like they all seem to think that I should have gotten over this weeks ago. None of them seem to realize that I will be grieving for the rest of my life this loss. I have lost something I was never blessed enough to have, and that is the cruelest loss of all. I have been talking with my friend Sonja about how when someone real dies, whether it be a pet or friend or family member, people get together and grieve together and talk about it and have the ceremony where they celebrate that persons life. Where is the ceremony for my loss? Where is the funeral for my dear friends lost children? Where is the celebration of the life brought to this world for me and my sweet husband? There is none. There never was that life. And maybe there never will be.

Why does it seem that this theft only occurs to those who least deserve it? There are dear friends of mine who I love more than anything, and would make the best parents I could think of, and yet they are suffering the same, if not worse, loss as me. Why is it that the people that deserve parenthood the most are the ones robbed of it? This makes no sense to me. My sister seems to think that God has a plan and all this. Bull. No one is going to convince me anymore that this is part of some larger plan. I WANT to believe that God is there and hasn't forgotten about me and my struggles...but WHERE is he? I pray ALL the time. I pray for relief and for pregnancy and for my friends and yet NOTHING happens. I told this to my sister and of course her answer to these questions was the ever popular "maybe his answer was no." Explain this to me, PLEASE. If God is there and knows what is best for me then how come he thinks that for me to be in this horrible pain is what's best? This makes NO sense, and I just hate it. And it IS pain. No one seems to get that either. Yes, I am still on the Lupron (for now) and yes, for the most part, my physical pain is gone. What about this pain in my heart? My heart actually hurts for this loss. Every time I see anything having to do with babies it just kills me. Dan asked me earlier what I was thinking about and I told him the truth "I am thinking of babies." All he could say was that I should try to think of something else so that it didn't make me so sad. Yeah, like that is easy to do, if even possible at all! And thats another thing....here we are wanting a child desperately and I seem to be the only one in this marriage who is still affected by this! He NEVER cries or gets upset or even says wow this really sucks. All he ever says is "don't be sad, Sara, it will happen for us." I HATE HATE HATE those words. Yeah it is all easy for everyone in the whole damn world to say that it will happen but they dont know! No one knows, and that is what kills me the most. Sometimes I want a hysterectomy so bad I can taste it...just because then there will be an absolution. Then there will be an answer...not the one I want....but at least an answer.....and that is all I want.

I have gone on. I should prolly head to bed and try to get some sleep. Maybe tonight my dreams won't revolve around the little girl in my head that I shall never meet. I will leave with this one last question. How can someone who has never lived, never breathed, never even died....still haunt me?

Bandit, Jobs, and the return of pain

2009-04-01T11:33:00.000-07:00

Hey all! I know I haven't written too much lately, except to tell you all about Boy Cat. :(

Anyways, I am sitting here wishing it was spring so I could go outside and play with all my babies, but alas, Iowa is my enemy and the wind is cold and unforgiving. So instead I will sit in my warm bed with my animals who love me and write to all of you.

The last week has been rather busy actually. I decided after Boy Cat passed that is was time to get a job. I haven't worked in over a year because of pain, and although it has been under control for a little while now, I just haven't been ready. I think that I am now. Dan helped me update my resume and get it out there, and I got one! On Monday I start at the MDA helping to raise money for their yearly "lockup" program. Its only part time and temporary but I think thats a good thing...no reason to jump into things too quickly. I went and bought some new nice clothes to wear and actually had a decent time shopping for them with my sister Maggie. I am looking forward to getting out of the house a little bit and earning some money.

The other news is Bandit. I went out to the special needs kitty shelter with my sister-in-law because she was looking to adopt a kitty for when she gets her first apartment. I didn't think I was ready to get a new kitty yet, but Bandit just kinda gumped out at me. I came home and thought about it and talked it over with Dan and ultimately decided that I couldn't just leave him there. I got him two days ago. He is a domestic shorthair, black and white all over. I will post pictures of him as soon as I can, I can't right now as Dan keeps taking the camera with him when he leaves the house. Silly hubby of mine. Juno and Bandit are becoming fast friends...they both slept with Dan and I last night! I thought it was pretty cute, but I did miss my Sassy and she was giving me the cold shoulder this morning when I got up. That little one really does live up to her name! Sassy and Romeo are interested in Bandit, but not quite ready to make friends I think. I honestly don't think it will ever happen with Romeo....he just doesn't like kitties. Oh well, though, Bandit is making his was into my heart and our home, and I am glad I made the choice to get him. He is healing my hurt. I still miss my Boy Cat, though.

On the pain issue I have been having some random ovarian pain. I still can't really pinpoint if its something I need to worry about or not. There are worse things I suppose. Still sucks.

I have decided to go off the Lupron. I have thought long and hard about it as my hair falls out and the time since I was last able to make love to Dan gets farther and farther away. I just can't do it anymore. I am not sure what the long term plan is but I am definately going to try to get down to Atlanta for exsicion surgery. There has to be more options that dont involve these horrible side effects. There is always another choice, and although my family thinks I am crazy, no more Lupron for Sara.

My good friend Sonja lives in the Fargo area and was evacuated not long ago. This makes me really sad. Most of you know that last year my family and I lived through the worst flood Cedar Rapids has ever seen. I know first hand how horrible a flood can be and how long it takes to clean up and rebuild after one. My thoughts are with her and her family and everyone else who will be touched by this freak of nature.

So thats the last week or so. I really will try to update more often, but that is all I can write now as I really want my house to be clean when I start work and if I dont get off my butt and do it it wont get done cause lets face it, men are lazy. But that is a WHOLE other blog.

Boy Cat

2009-03-22T16:09:00.000-07:00

This is the story of Boy Cat. April 14th, 2008-March 22nd, 2009

After my surgery in August I was really down and sad because I didn't have a baby. Dan brought me home my sweet boy after work one day and thought it would help. We did have dogs but they wouldn't cuddle with me on my lap nicely the way I needed after the surgery. I named "her" Calliope. My Callie Cat.

"She" played with the dogs and had fun and brought joy to all our lives for the short time "she" was here. The name changed after I saw his little balls and thought "jeez hes a boy!" but I couldnt come up with a good name so Boy Cat it was. Three months ago we brought home Alegra to be friends with Boy Cat and they ran and played and we just pretty much cute all the time. They slept in an empty drawer in the kitchen...when Boy Cat wasn't sleeping with Juno being VERY cute.

Last week Dan and I noticed the cats were getting outside somehow, and we found a small home that gave access to the outside through our bathroom, and although we thought we had it closed last night my sweet Boy Cat got out. We are still not sure what happened, whether it was a car or another animal or what, but here is what we do know.

At 1am Dan went to the bathroom and came back and woke me up to tell me there was blood all over the floor. I went and looked and we could hear Boy Cat crying somewhere behind the wall. After taking the wall off we found him, covered in bruises and blood. I scooped him up in a towel and we ran to the ER vet just outside of town. They took him back and did the initial exam. When the vet came out the first time he told us there was significant trauma and he thought either his spine was severed or his pelvis was seriously broken, but there was no way to tell without xrays. So we gave the permission for that and they pulled us back to look at them. My poor kitties spine was in two pieces, broken right above his hind legs. An injury like that is very hard and very unlikely to come back from. There was too much damage to his bladder to ever function again and it was filled with blood. The vet said it would be a slow, if painless (from the spinal injury) death. We made the desicion to put him down. My sweet Boy Cat was taken from my arms at 6:30 this morning, and the next time I see him will be in an urn.

This is my tribute to Boy Cat. He was sweet and affectionate and SO funny. He made me laugh when I needed and distracted the dogs when I needed a break. He made friends with any animal or person he came in contact with, and was the most laid back cat I have ever met...right till the end. He nursed from our Juno and even though it was silly we let it happen, because it seemed to be a comfort for both of them. He kept my belly soft and warm after my surgery and kept my heart warm in the months we had him. He knew where home was and even after injury he knew where to come to get the help and love he needed to leave this world painlessly. Although I will miss him terribly, I am trying to remember the good things he brought to my life in a very hard time.

My mind is reeling over this loss. I can't seem to accept it yet. I woke up this afternoon and asked Dan if it was a dream, because it still feels that way. I will never know why God took my kitty at this time in my life, when the loss burns even more. There are many tears to come. Please pray for me, as I have lost what I considered my child. And pray for his friends in this house, Juno, Sassy, Romeo, and Alegra. They will dearly miss their friend.

Update

2009-03-20T11:56:00.000-07:00

I haven't written much in a long time. I have been pretty busy. I had my birthday on the 13th and since then I have been pretty much spending all my time "playing" with my presents. I got a new ipod and some rollerblades so I have been spending lots of time outside now that it is getting nice. I am not gonna lie...its really nice to be able to plan something and be able to do it without much pain. These days most of the pain is in my head. I have had a few breakdowns where I just cried uncontrollably because of the lack of babies and periods and the feeling that I am not a woman anymore. Dan and I are not having much sex...I can't seem to make myself enjoy it and even though I still give it up to him he still gets upset because I figure what the hell right? Apparently I either don't fake it well enough or something and so that is getting us into fights about that. Oh well, though, I can't help it so I guess it just comes with the territory. That is pretty much it. Therapy weekly and fights weekly and crying and trying to keep busy to prevent going out of my mind. I will try to update more for those of you who read this often. Peace out all!

Mostly I am pissed

2009-03-01T08:39:00.000-08:00

For those of you who don't already know, today begins March, aka Endometriosis Awareness Month. This will be my first official March with an official diagnosis. Oh the joy. I want to go out there and spread the word and tell everyone I meet all about it...but mostly I am just pissed. Pissed that despite the friends I have made and the things I have learned, I shouldn't have to even know this word, Endo. I am 24 years old! I should be able to have a child when I want to and get a job when I want to and go shopping and clean and LIVE when I want to! I should not even know the things that I know about disease and my own body and other womens bodies and research and all this! Don't get me wrong, I am glad that this disease has opened my eyes to all the injustices in the medical community, and yet I am pissed that I even have to sit here thinking about it while chewing my nails down to nothing worrying about things that no one should ever have to worry about. Mostly I am pissed.

I will be 25 in two weeks. I should be happy. Mostly I am pissed because not only do I not have the child I wanted by the time I was 25 but I don't have the degree and the long hair and the smooth skin and the house and the debt-free life and the career and all mostly ANYTHING that I wanted by the time I was this age....and its all due to endo. And every freakin March for the rest of my life I will get one year older and have the thoughts of something that I should have by that older age but I don't have because of this freakin disease. Mostly I am pissed.

Please don't get me wrong, I am beyond happy that there is a whole month where people can spread the word and learn and teach about endo. I think its great. I also think that if someone would get off their ass and find a freakin cure already then the month of my birth would not only represent the passage of time in my life...but that horrible disease I once had that pissed me off all the time. Maybe I could plan a party and plans and have a martini and just be...happy. Maybe I wouldn't be mostly pissed.

Interview

2009-02-24T20:55:00.000-08:00

woo hoo! Jenn interviewed me and if any of you bloggers out there want to be interviewed by me just let me know!

1. If money didn't matter, what would be your dream job?
I would sing. Once upon a time I was really good and got offers that most people would not believe and I screwed them all up because I was, well, stupid when I was younger. I would sing for free.
2. If you could meet anyone who would it be and why?
My brother, Ryan. I always knew about him and when he found us I was beyond excited. That was almost 5 years ago and I have still only spoken with him on the phone and through e-mail, so I would want to meet him and get to know him because from what I do know he is more like me than either of my sisters.
3. What animal would you say best describes your personality?
wow this one is hard! I would say....a turtle lol. Mostly because when I get my feelings hurt or if something scares me even though I want to face it head-on I am usually to scared to do it and I just hide within myself
4. If you could have any superpower, what would it be?
breathing underwater. partly because it would be super-cool, and partly because then my never-ending fear of drowning would be gone.
5. What is your favorite book?
its a little cheesy but its still "Little Women." I have tons of books that I love but that is the one I can always count on for the rainy or painful days to carry me away...which is the point of books, after all!

Six things that make me smile

2009-02-24T17:25:00.000-08:00

I was tagged by Sonja!

1-Dan. We have our moments where we argue and want to kill each other (lol) but mostly he is my best friend and my one and only love. Hes really my everything

2-my animals. Sassy is my second best friend in the world and between her and romeo and boy cat and girl cat (and very rarely Juno) I am almost never lonely

3-my friends. online mostly...but they are still more than I could ever ask for and I thank God that he blessed me with women who know what I am going through and who I can lean on.

4-my family. My mom and dad and my sisters are the most awesome ever and I couldn't ask for better!

5-pomegranates. I LOVE them and they are a special treat when I can find a ripe one!

6-books. I don't know what I would do without the worlds that are right there on my shelf. They take me to better and happier places when I need an escape!

Hannah's Prayer

2009-02-12T12:49:00.000-08:00

'O Lord of hosts, if You will indeed look on the affliction of Your maidservant and remember me, and not forget Your maidservant, but will give Your maidservant a male child, then I will give him to the Lord all the days of his life, and no razor shall come upon his head"

I am Hannah. I am barren....and my prayers still go unanswered. When will I get my miracle?

Those with stronger faith than mine may say that maybe I have gotten my answer and its "no." I refuse to accept this. Not yet. I still dream of pregnancy every night and I still wake up and cry because part of me if scared to death it will never actually happen. When do I get MY miracle?

I am lazy...I shall update now

2009-02-09T16:29:00.000-08:00

Okay I know I haven't written anything since, well, forever...and so I shall write now.

I saw the new specialists at the University about two weeks ago. Long story short they told me I wasn't getting preggers any time soon and that my best bet was lupron. So I took it. Stupid Stupid Stupid Lupron. I have never hated anything worse than I hate the way I am feeling now. I am having hot flashes and I am bleeding and it just plain sucks...sucks sucks sucks.

So yeah, thats the quick update. I would write more about it except that, you know, UGH! If I talk or write or even think about it more than I want to then I just cry. So yeah...although I have been reading lots since all this cause I have no energy to do anything else so my book blog is soon to be updated with all the fun of the books! Peace people!

Tagged

2009-01-26T23:41:00.001-08:00

Is it sad that I feel somehow special because I have been tagged? lol....thanks Jenn for the tag, and the use of your picture here that I didn't ask for!

1) I took my first shot of lupron today. Those of you who follow the blog will hear all about it tomorrow when I have real coherent thoughts.

2) I sometimes miss the cat I had for 14 years growing up. RIP Attic!

3)I go through animal fazes where for a few days I am a dog person and for a few days I am a cat person. This confuses my animals!

4)I was very close to living in England a few years ago when my ex-husband was facing deportation. Being still married to him would be hardly be worth the culture!

5)Some of my best friends I have never met in real life. This includes my endo sisters and Dan (not either husband lol) with whom I have had a pen-pal relationship with for over 10 years

6)I have a sister who is gay and since finding this out have become very interested in reading/learning about the gay community

7)I read so fast its scary. I can literally sit down and read a large "chapter book" or novel in a few hours or less. I tried once to write down and count all the books I have read and I stopped counting at 3,432.....and before you ask that is a real number I just looked at my list!

TAGGED PEEPS!
Sam
Whitney
Kristen
Allyson
Jenn-ha ha I wasn't going to and you talked me into it
Sonja-you should feel special (cause you are) cause you are tagged at least twice!