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Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Sitting on the bathroom floor

I have different kinds of pain every day. Sometimes there is ovary pain, sometimes there is uterus pain. Sometimes, well, mostly, there is mental pain. Today especially. I wish that I was pregnant. I always wish that I was pregnant. I find myself even after bleeding for days at a time in the middle of my cycle thinking that maybe it has happened this time. Maybe this time I will get my miracle. Then I end up at the store buying pregnancy tests that I know will come out negative but I still take them and hold my breath and wait for the timer to stop and then I sit on the bathroom floor and cry. It is some sort of strange thing that I do to hurt myself maybe. I don't mean to do it, I don't mean to take all these tests. I just do. I just keep waiting for my miracle that never seems to come. I hate it. I hate the physical things that make me a woman, and if I hate those things, those things that define me, don't I also hate myself? Who knows. Either way....I sat on the bathroom floor early this morning and cried. Just thought I would send the question "why" out into the world.